Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Wayne Blakely
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00093B
00:14 Okay so we were talking to, welcome back by the way.
00:19 We're talking to Wayne Blakely about his life and coming
00:24 from a place from where his mom was very abusive, didn't
00:29 even want a little boy, wanted a little girl.
00:31 Really had damaged him prior to even being two and three
00:36 years old and then always having that confusion about his
00:40 sexuality and in school was bullied, all that stuff.
00:44 Raised by people that really loved you, Wayne, you were
00:47 talking about that they really searched for help for you.
00:50 But we don't talk about this stuff so there is not a lot
00:53 especially if you stay within the church so that is
00:56 the struggle they had.
00:57 We ended the last segment of talking about the way that
01:01 sexual addictions happen for a lot of us, especially in
01:05 the gay community, is just by the closeness and moment
01:09 of connection, not just a sexual connection but that
01:12 moment where you feel loved and safe and warm.
01:15 Because you are dying for that, with all this abuse and
01:19 all this craziness, that moment is worth fighting for
01:22 and you get addicted to that.
01:24 After I had met this guy who told me I was gay,
01:30 within a year or so I said to myself I wasn't going to go
01:37 back to church anymore because I have began to find
01:39 there was another side and it was the side that of course
01:42 was sensually pleasing to me.
01:44 I decided I was going to try every drug, every taboo thing
01:50 that was, that I had been warned about.
01:53 Because I thought, I was already told homosexuality was wrong,
01:58 but here I was, I never found any kind of help for it
02:02 and now I was going to accept myself and so I said let's
02:05 let everything else come in too.
02:07 The drugs, the alcohol, the the sex, everything.
02:11 This became my lifestyle and I ended up moving to
02:16 Key West Florida where they just about give you a line of
02:20 cocaine when you get off the plane.
02:22 I have never heard that, so if you are in Florida
02:26 excuse us. It is only his opinion.
02:30 This was a number of years ago, but even the police
02:35 were doing it in the town, and it was a huge bust so
02:41 even the police department.
02:42 It was so well accepted, it was so off the edge of the
02:46 earth almost, anyone who lived in Key West, it was 90 miles
02:51 from the mainland so you didn't stay in touch with reality,
02:55 you partied till dawn, or well after dawn.
03:00 You did drugs at work, your bosses did drugs.
03:04 What kind of work did you get into?
03:06 Well in Key West you only have hotel-restaurant pretty much
03:10 so I worked as a room service waiter for a hotel.
03:15 It was a constant party for two years and when I realized
03:20 that it was taking over my life, I thought I better get
03:25 out of here before it ends my life.
03:27 And you knew, you had a sense that this was really
03:31 - I couldn't control it. - yeah. -yeah.
03:33 It was the cocaine was, I kept looking for the childhood
03:38 and all the years that led up to this were such horrible
03:43 memories for me of pain that the artificial substances
03:48 for bringing such elation, and the elation only ends when
03:52 you have to either come down for it or get caught with it.
03:56 - exactly, I remember the first time I did drugs
03:58 I thought I'm going to this rest of my life.
04:01 The first time I didn't feel like killing myself,
04:03 I took a drug and I didn't care if you liked me and I didn't
04:07 feel like I wanted to commit suicide, I didn't feel sad.
04:10 I just thought I had found the solution.
04:13 It is really hard for somebody normal to understand that.
04:18 We normally want to feel like we fit in, we want to feel
04:23 joy, we were created for that and when everything fights
04:28 against us we finally find something that works.
04:30 Whether it is drugs, sex, alcohol, gambling, or whatever
04:34 our addictions is, that is the draw, that's the hook.
04:38 That Satan's lure. - he says, I promise you when you
04:42 do this you will feel good. - right!
04:45 And it's a lie, a lie in the long run, but it feels true
04:50 at first. - absolutely.
04:52 I finally left Key West and moved to Seattle, Washington.
05:00 I gave up the drugs, but hung around the alcohol for
05:05 quite some time and certainly didn't give up the sex.
05:10 So when you talk about, for a lot, again, when I was in
05:15 my own addiction, living on the streets and stuff, is
05:20 that I met a lot of people in regular gigs, doctors,
05:23 lawyers, pastors, people in and out of the church that
05:27 had sexual addictions or drug addictions.
05:29 When I met them it was because they were playing on that
05:33 edge themselves and so when you are in the lifestyle
05:37 I don't think a lot of people realize that you are
05:40 surrounded by some pretty, what folks would say normal
05:44 men, married men, men that are carrying off this
05:49 heterosexual life well, so you seeing all of this and the
05:53 reason I want to bring it up and have you address that a
05:57 little bit Wayne, is that adds to your confusion, or adds
06:00 to your disconnect from reality.
06:03 That is true, I wanted to, I began to, people used to
06:07 say to me you are in denial and I used to think that
06:12 most heterosexual men were in denial.
06:15 So I began a service, a massage service which was worded
06:22 in my ads in a way that one could know there was probably
06:29 more to it than a therapeutic massage.
06:33 Inviting heterosexual men, this is a legit thing on the
06:37 outside, so you can come here and play around. - right.
06:43 The many, many people I met were ministers, doctors,
06:48 lawyers, garbage men, construction men, you name it.
06:53 I listen to it, to me it was therapeutic.
06:57 They came for the massage and afterwards there would be
07:01 and immense guilt and I would sit and talk to them
07:04 afterwards about telling them that I knew what the
07:06 guilt was like because I had experienced it myself and
07:09 not to beat themselves up over it.
07:11 I personally was sitting there thinking ah hah, I knew,
07:15 I knew all along that even heterosexual men
07:18 could go this far.
07:20 God reaches in and He wants to find that little two or
07:24 three-year-old that just has no idea who they are
07:28 because all of the other stuff is piled on to you.
07:32 All the other stuff has totally spun you out of control.
07:36 God just says, let me find your heart.
07:39 How did that happen? Well during the time I was in
07:43 Key West, the first AIDS break came out and they had not
07:49 developed any Aids test at the time, but they begin to start
07:56 doing some screenings and I began to pray to God
08:00 that I would be healthy.
08:02 After leaving Key West and coming to - because you know
08:06 we do reach out to God. - it's a moment of distraction.
08:10 It's I think I might have AIDS and oh God you know that
08:13 I always have loved You buddy. - oh miserable, miserable.
08:17 But you know what I think is interesting because
08:19 somebody would say that's like sacrilegious or whatever.
08:22 But there is always that moment, no matter what the sin
08:26 is, no matter what the lifestyle is, no matter how deep
08:29 we get into our junk, there is that moment where
08:31 we look up to God and say, God!
08:33 Yeah I don't think that, you know a lot of times we have
08:36 been told in our youth that your angels leave you if you
08:40 go here or there, and I honestly believe that as long as
08:44 God knows that there is a spec of hope for you,
08:47 He knew all these years what was deep in my heart.
08:51 He knew I had appreciation for His word.
08:54 He knew what I understood and what I didn't understand.
08:56 So - what if the Bible was true?
08:59 What if that line in the Bible that says I will never
09:02 leave you or forsake you? What if that was true?
09:06 - Yeah absolutely! - you know sometimes, I look
09:09 at the Bible and I think I don't know why we get
09:12 such Grace, I don't know why we get such mercy but I love
09:16 what you just said.
09:17 As long as there is any place, speck of hope within you
09:21 that God says, you know what? I will be there in the
09:25 darkest of the darkest times and I will be there in all
09:28 your joy, I am not leaving you.
09:31 Yeah I knew that God, I believed in Him the whole time.
09:34 I just didn't know what to do with this aspect of His
09:37 Word and that no one ever taught me as to what
09:40 I could do about it.
09:42 So I never stopped believing that He was there, I just
09:45 figured He was probably pretty unhappy with me.
09:48 I just thought that if at some point in time there was
09:52 any hope that He could draw me back somehow.
09:56 After the AIDS epic hit and I would pray over
09:59 and over every time I tested, please don't let me test
10:03 positive, if You get me through this I promise I will
10:07 do something for You.
10:08 I thought that, I was amazed that He kept answering
10:14 my prayer, because I kept testing negative.
10:17 And then one day I sat there and I thought, wow.
10:25 Here I am, I'm healthy and every last one of my friends
10:30 are dead. - wow! Because people don't survive in those
10:36 lifestyles very long.
10:38 - and God said can you hear Me now? - Amen! Audience: Amen!
10:45 So it was, I finally understood that He had to get me
10:52 to a point where I could hear Him. - Amen!
10:55 That He could say regardless of how you has been thought
10:59 of or how you have been treated, or the leper spots that
11:03 you have had on your body and in your heart, I love you.
11:07 And I offer you redemption. - Amen!
11:15 So I began to do a search, I wondered if the church had
11:22 began to recognize the need, and if they had done anything
11:27 yet for people who had been, people who have left the church?
11:33 Who had been somewhere, not barred but told at the doors
11:37 you are not welcome here, I mean that still happens.
11:40 So in your heart you knew that God was inviting you back,
11:44 but you are saying, will the church let me come back?
11:51 Yeah, yeah and I was led to an understanding that there
11:56 were people out there that were reaching out and that
12:00 they were recognizing that they needed to reach out.
12:04 That God needed to get through to these individuals.
12:09 Before long I found myself taking a shower one morning
12:13 and I thought, I've peeked out it was a Sabbath morning.
12:17 I peeked out of the shower curtain and looked at the clock
12:20 and it was 20 to 11 and I thought there is an Adventist
12:23 church right down the road and I could get there.
12:28 I went and I was blessed, I sat there and felt very
12:32 out of place, I mean the whole building didn't cave in
12:37 when I walked in and I heard God through the Pastor
12:42 speaking to me. - you know I could imagine that all of
12:47 the Angels just shouting and dancing around.
12:50 I know that some people say we don't dance, but I think
12:54 they were dancing, dancing around and saying,
12:56 he is coming back, he is coming home.
12:59 Yeah I hadn't told anyone yet, I was kind of doing it
13:03 on the sly, because my parents and my family had been praying
13:07 for me for 40 years. - Wow! Wow!
13:12 And so I was, I thought I better wait and I can't tell
13:16 anyone until I know this is something that is real
13:21 and this is going to stick.
13:23 Every time I would go home from church, or every day, not
13:28 just, that's part of my ministry now is the
13:31 connection it's not just when you are at church or once
13:36 - it will not sustain you if it's just once a week experience
13:40 It's constant, and I would go home and start diving into
13:45 God's word and into religious books and things that began
13:51 to address our rejection and our acceptance.
13:56 Let me just, I want to, you talked about a text that
14:01 I love in the break on yesterday's program.
14:07 That was 1 Corinthians 6, can you share that with us?
14:11 Because you are learning a lot, but share that with us
14:15 and your take on it.
14:17 Yeah I was led to 1 Corinthians 6:9 which for some people
14:23 may or may not be real familiar, but when I got here it
14:29 was a voice of encouragement to me because at this
14:34 particular point in God's Word it says, "do you not know
14:38 "that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God.
14:42 "Do not be deceived, neither the sexually immoral nor
14:47 "idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor
14:53 "homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor the greedy
14:58 "nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers will inherit
15:01 "the kingdom of God." - and if you stop there wouldn't that
15:05 just kill you, but it goes on.
15:08 And then the saving grace comes in, because God says,
15:15 "and that is what some of you were, but if you were washed
15:20 "and sanctified, you are justified in the name of the
15:25 " Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
15:29 Give me a kiss, I love that.
15:34 But on the heels, - but isn't it like God is so gracious,
15:38 God is so gracious,- I wept. - of course you did.
15:41 I thought wow if that is not proof, and if that is not
15:45 also an indication to me of God saying yeah I know some
15:48 of you were going to have to go through this rough road,
15:52 this rough experience that you may not have been
15:55 understood during your walk and because of that I want
15:58 to assure you that you went down some roads that weren't
16:03 particularly satisfying roads, but you did come back.
16:08 I drew you back to Me and you will be in My kingdom.
16:11 Amen. - and then He turns around and tells us in
16:14 2 Corinthians 5:17 who we are now.
16:18 Because I went to my Pastor and said, I got it, I have
16:23 been away for a lot of years but I have got it now and
16:27 I want to be baptized.
16:29 I then found out who I was in Jesus Christ in
16:35 2 Corinthians 5:17 it says, "therefore if anyone is in
16:40 "Christ, he is a new creation." - I like it.
16:43 "The old is gone and the new has come."
16:47 So I thought, because identity is huge to me today
16:53 because when I came back to Christ I thought, who am I now?
16:57 Because - what do identify with? - Ah, the
17:00 expectations when you walk back into the church it
17:03 sometimes it's like, oh, okay it is wonderful he is
17:06 coming back now he's going to be a heterosexual.
17:09 Because people don't, it is really interesting in a
17:11 certain sense because they don't introduce you anymore
17:14 when they're talking to a friend, I will be going like
17:17 Rosemary, Wayne just came into the church, did you know
17:20 he was gay? Do you know what I mean? Because we
17:23 always have to add that. You know the gay guy, Wayne?
17:27 So we can't even say we just got a new member Wayne,
17:31 that everyone wants to identify us with our sin.
17:35 This is Cheri she is the heroine addict.
17:37 It still segregates you if we are allowed to continue
17:40 in that - and God said that is what some of you were.
17:43 When you read that it is so clear, He doesn't say that's
17:46 who some of you are. - right, exactly.
17:48 It is huge. - so in my walk back I began to speak up
17:54 a bit, in my church because I began to recognize this.
17:59 I wanted to help others recognize that all of our sins,
18:04 some of them look a little treacherous but just as
18:09 treacherous as the sin of homosexuality is a sin of pride.
18:13 Or gossip. - oh shut up, it can't be. - it's true.
18:17 I can find it, it what if the Bible is true?
18:21 It's true but if you haven't walked out in the world there
18:25 seems to be what considers to be some safe sins, but no
18:29 sin is safe and so I think there is a mission that comes
18:33 from those who have been out and God has led back.
18:36 The mission is that I was told when I came back you are
18:43 a testimony Wayne, probably won't be good for 3 to 10
18:48 years. - because they want to make sure you are safe.
18:52 But you know what I mean, without Christ none of us
18:57 are safe, you know and what I have to say is that I am
19:02 sorry anyone has ever said that to you.
19:04 Do you know what I mean? Because God is safe.
19:06 He is the only One that is safe.
19:08 Well what God said to me that day and convinced me of
19:11 and still has me convinced of today is that my testimony
19:14 was good from the moment I accepted Him into my life.
19:17 All right. - audience: Amen, Amen.
19:20 I believe that even if someone comes back and they are
19:23 only back a brief time that if the God that is in them,
19:27 the good that is in them which only can be God, influences
19:32 and affects others to be brought in to love Christ and
19:35 except Christ as their Savior, there has been good that
19:39 has come of it.
19:40 No one is safe, we are all tempted.
19:42 So let's stay right there because a lot of folks, and I'm
19:45 not talking about the church right now, because you know
19:48 what? Not that I don't care about the church, but I care
19:51 about the lost and there is a lot of people that are
19:54 struggling with these sexual sins, you know same-sex
19:58 stuff, attractions with just sexual addiction with the
20:02 relationship addictions, we don't know how to do any of
20:07 that stuff and we find our connection, or we think it's
20:12 our connection in our sexually acting out.
20:14 Do you get tempted? And what do you do with that
20:17 temptation? - right, yes and I will tell you what I do.
20:22 This is much like it would be for an alcoholic.
20:28 Alcoholics would go to meetings often, some will go to
20:33 a couple of meetings a day and not feeling safe.
20:36 Particularly if they don't feel safe.
20:38 The Bible is like that for me, my connection with God
20:43 is like that and I feel like it is that way for all sin.
20:48 If I don't have a personal connection to Christ, I don't
20:54 have protection. - I loved when you talked about,
20:57 I don't know when it was but you said sometimes I'm going
21:00 through the airport and there is eye candy everywhere
21:04 and I get that, but I have to do what it says in Job.
21:08 I have to avert my eyes, I literally have to decide at
21:12 that moment, every time temptations come up, is at that
21:15 moment who am I? - yeah, your past doesn't disappear.
21:19 It's not like you can turn it off.
21:21 I wrote a friend shortly after I got here and I said
21:24 I am so thankful that I live in the country because
21:28 from the time I have been rebaptized and been back in
21:32 the church, I live out in the country and spend a lot
21:36 of time in researching and reading and writing and
21:41 healing, lots of healing and then when you step back out
21:45 into mainstream America, which I did on the way here
21:48 through various airports and you see all kinds of people
21:52 and there were reminders immediately of the past.
21:56 The types of people that would catch my eye,
21:58 the temptation that would be involved.
22:02 You notice what you like about individuals in physical
22:07 appearance and so the eye candy was definitely there.
22:11 Satan was like ah ha, there it is, there, there, there.
22:15 If you don't plug yourself immediately in to Christ,
22:19 you are at great danger. - Amen, when we were talking
22:23 this whole season on you really doing that personal
22:26 inventory, and really knowing who you are and that kind
22:30 of thing, the Bible says daily check yourself.
22:33 Really don't sleep on this stuff, really take it at the
22:38 end of the night and you close off in prayer, God is
22:41 there anything today that I really need to look at?
22:46 Because it will creep in subtly again and God says
22:51 you know what? I am your refuge, I'm your rock stand
22:57 here because the world says it's all fine.
23:00 It is just who you are, it is all fine and it will say
23:03 that until you're buried. - right and we are coming to
23:06 that more and more now, in fact homosexuality is now beginning
23:12 to be looked at and taught actually even in schools as
23:16 being normal, as completely normal.
23:19 What has happened, I recently read here the
23:22 other day about a heterosexual couple in England who
23:26 had been adopting children their whole lives.
23:29 They now have been barred from adopting children because
23:34 they are Christians and the fear from the laws and what
23:39 is seen in England is that you might not teach these
23:44 children that if they are gay that it is okay.
23:47 So you can't now love on the rest of the kids. Wow!
23:51 It's crazy stuff, we are going to go ahead and break
23:54 and come back for the close.
23:55 Wayne would you join me in the close? -yes.
23:58 I want to say I loved having you on, I love your journey.
24:02 If I can be a part of that journey in a healthy way at all
24:06 please don't hesitate to call, come over and hang out at
24:10 our place if you are struggling with anything, or if you
24:13 just want to share some of the joys you are going
24:15 through right now, my house is always open.
24:18 My ministry is always open to you. - thank you.
24:21 I will pray that you will not get taken down from this
24:24 point and that you will be able to bring people into the
24:27 kingdom that are struggling with this very struggle.
24:30 - absolutely. - we will be right back, stay with us.
24:33 I love him.