Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Ashley Desormeau
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00088A
00:11 Welcome to Celebrating Life In Recovery, I'm Cheri your
00:13 host and today we're going to talk about rejection and
00:16 everything that comes with that when we spin out of
00:20 control and how God just grabs us and brings us to
00:23 recovery, it's amazing.
00:24 Come join us in the café.
00:54 This season is one of my absolute favorites because we're
00:57 talking about core recovery stuff.
01:00 In this particular program we are going to talk about not
01:04 only what the addiction looks like, because the addiction
01:08 looks like an addiction, drugs, alcohol, acting out, with
01:12 relationships and doing all that stuff.
01:14 When you get into recovery the genius of what God offers
01:19 us is that He says let Me show you now what was at the
01:23 bottom of all that, and what led you to reach out
01:26 for those addictions.
01:27 For me I'm a molested kid, I have all that stuff and the
01:31 first time I did a drug and didn't feel pain I thought
01:35 Wahoo, I love this stuff.
01:38 It was for the first time something that worked,
01:41 the same with relationships.
01:42 When I got into relationships I felt that first couple
01:46 weeks you feel loved and everything is passionate and
01:49 they don't even remember your name half the time.
01:53 At least where I was running it wasn't about that for
01:56 anybody, but that first part of it where you are
01:59 everything thing to someone and that was what I was
02:02 addicted to and it all came from those core issues of
02:05 being rejected and not being loved, and being abused
02:08 and all that stuff.
02:09 When you get into looking at a true healing, it's not only
02:14 about walking out a what has got you by the throat, or
02:18 what really has tripped you up for worse it's looking at
02:22 and asking the Holy Spirit show me everything.
02:26 Show me everything, I want to see it all.
02:28 When I see it teach me how to surrender it.
02:31 Teach me how to surrender the negative thoughts, there
02:36 wasn't a day that I didn't have thoughts of suicide or
02:40 worthlessness or if somebody really knew me,
02:43 they wouldn't even want me here.
02:45 Or I would say something and it would be funny and
02:48 I would say that was dumb.
02:49 I would say that to myself and it was this running
02:52 dialogue of this negative stuff.
02:54 It was fine when I was high because when I decided to
02:57 smoke a joint or do some drugs or take a drink or
02:59 whatever and all that will go away.
03:01 Or someone would fall in love with me and all that was
03:03 gone, but as soon as I got quiet or by myself again
03:06 those thoughts just start going, and they are relentless,
03:10 I mean relentless, and some of you know exactly what
03:13 I'm talking about, it's like the whole room could be
03:16 looking together and I'm thinking I wish I was like them.
03:20 I wish I could walk in the room and do it as easy as she
03:23 does it or I wish I had the friendships in the family that
03:27 he has. For that negative thinking always follows us.
03:32 If you are a rejected kid and have those issues you will
03:38 have a number of things that will not let you go until
03:42 you finally say, God what are they? What are they?
03:46 A lot of times we have to really look at them, we have to
03:50 find a way to surrender them to God.
03:52 What the coolest thing is as they leave and as you get
03:58 some peace and silence is that God puts in their place
04:03 just good stuff, good stuff.
04:07 All of a sudden one day I remember the first time I felt
04:10 like I was really was loved by God, not something that's
04:13 going to last two weeks, not something that's going to
04:16 leave but I was loved and lovable.
04:20 I was, shut up, how fun is that?
04:23 Just stop, I couldn't even stand it.
04:25 As I got that I realized that I could stand up
04:29 straighter, I could be in a friendship, I could bring
04:33 something to the table in relationships.
04:35 All of a sudden all this junk was, He said let me clear
04:39 the table for you and let Me show you who I really
04:42 created you to be, and I'm telling you it is all good.
04:45 We are going to talk about that especially today.
04:47 I want to welcome Ashley, you are from McBride Canada?
04:51 Yes, a small town. - We met a couple years ago.
04:54 Yes we did. - and as I'm talking about what these
04:57 programs are about, can you relate to any of that stuff?
05:00 It is funny that you say that because even though like
05:04 I watched this first show probably four years ago, and
05:08 it wasn't a topic that had necessarily to do with anything
05:11 with what I have been going through.
05:13 There was something I could pull out of it that did
05:17 pertain to my life and I knew the first time I watched
05:20 that show that I had to meet you someday.
05:22 I actually said that out loud.
05:24 In my house it is just me and my dog and I was like,
05:29 God I have to meet that woman someday.
05:30 Someday, well what I love about that is because there's
05:34 a lot people won't get that. I have felt that in my own
05:36 life about someone is that I think your heart cry was
05:39 you wanted to be in recovery, I want to have that
05:42 journey where I can get rid of this stuff.
05:44 We did met a couple years ago so before we get into
05:49 why I brought you here because I brought you here for a
05:52 specific reason to share your journey with us.
05:55 I love the fact of how God pulls people together.
05:58 We cannot do recovery by ourselves.
06:02 I want to tell a story before we get into that.
06:03 If you were blind, just imagine you are blind and you
06:08 live by yourself, you were talking about you and your dog
06:13 there watching movie, or the program.
06:17 But let's say you are blind and you live by yourself.
06:19 I can kind of straight up the house, and you know what
06:22 I mean? I know that this is a table and where it fits
06:25 and stuff like that.
06:26 I have gotten used to things in the house so I can kind
06:29 of straight up but I am blind. Right?
06:31 I really need to call someone that is sighted to help me
06:36 out, especially with stuff that gets in the corners.
06:40 The things that are not as easy to see and cleanup,
06:44 well I can't see, you know what I mean I can't see.
06:47 So my sighted friend can help me with that.
06:50 In our recovery, we are blind when we first walked in.
06:54 You saw the Celebrating Life In Recovery program and
06:58 there were a lot of things you were totally blind to.
07:01 I was credible to be a part of Ashley's life
07:04 before we even met was we were like the sighted friend
07:08 that came in and said let me show you some stuff.
07:11 Then we met, man there was alot of stuff, Ashley get over here.
07:15 There was a lot more stuff than I really thought there
07:19 was actually, I want to tell how we met for sure
07:23 because it is huge in the recovery process that
07:28 I have been going through.
07:29 I had gone to Esther Martins were you stayed at the first
07:33 time and I said I was watching the show and
07:36 I have to meet her.
07:37 She said all we are working on it don't worry.
07:40 I think it was probably two months later that I saw in the
07:43 bulletin that you are coming to McBride and I'm like oh no.
07:48 I wanted to meet her someday but I think it would happen.
07:52 Just because I said a lot like to meet a famous person
07:57 someday and before and. - did she say famous?
08:00 I love that. - so it was just like you never think it is
08:06 actually going to happen.
08:07 It did and it was so crazy because the day that you showed
08:12 up in McBride and I came with my friend to your show,
08:16 or the program you had that evening in the town.
08:19 I went there and I knew I needed to talk to you but I was
08:23 too scared, I was like no I'm not dealing with my junk,
08:27 I'm just not going to.
08:28 I prayed inside and said okay God, if you use Your will
08:32 I need to talk to her she is going to have to come to me
08:35 because I am too chicken to go.
08:36 And sure enough at the end of the program a bunch of
08:40 people had left and my friend and I were standing at the
08:43 back and you just out of the blue turnaround and said
08:46 now what is your story?
08:48 I'm like aught oh, here we go.
08:51 But it was amazing to me, what I love about God is that
08:55 He does that for us.
08:56 We are in a place of recovery, and that is for any of us,
08:59 when we are in a place of recovery and we open ourselves
09:02 up to the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit says whatever you
09:04 need I will set it in front of you.
09:06 Whether it is a crazy heroine addict in recovery or
09:09 whether it is somebody, it doesn't matter.
09:11 God said I will set that person in front of you because
09:14 I love you and it was so clear when we started talking.
09:17 I said, let's go back to where I was staying and we stayed
09:20 up all night long - it was one in the morning talking.
09:24 It was crazy and you know it's funny because I started
09:28 talking to you about some of things because those were the
09:31 things I thought were the real issue.
09:33 It was like I was completely blinded by it thinking that
09:38 nothing else happened it was just this.
09:41 So I opened up to you to that night ended up down the road
09:46 being a little more than that.
09:48 What was amazing to me was that as you started your
09:52 journey where you opened up I watched God just capture
09:56 your heart and it reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11 where
09:59 it talks about, and I know that is your favorite,
10:02 your favorite text.
10:03 But it talks about I know the plans that I have for you,
10:07 plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you
10:11 hope and a future, but it goes on to say in like 13 is
10:15 that when you search for Me with all your heart you will
10:18 find Me and a lot of people when they read that it is
10:22 almost like they think what to search mean?
10:24 Does that mean when God thinks I'm honest enough in my
10:27 search? When God thinks I worked hard enough? I'm diligently
10:31 searching, when it says with all my heart.
10:34 I think it means when you fall in love with Me,
10:37 when you're heart opens up to Me.
10:39 It's a heart search, it's no longer a head search and
10:42 that night I watched you go from your head to your heart.
10:46 I just thought no way, I watched.
10:50 What was amazing to me Ashley, because I think you are
10:54 amazing, I love you and I love your talent and I love who you
10:57 are as a person, but what I saw was this hardness in-your-
11:01 face turn soft. - and I felt it, I really did.
11:05 It was the next evening after the church service and stuff
11:09 that we were doing the anointing ceremony that after that
11:14 that I really felt okay, alright I'm a little scared but
11:18 let's go on this journey.
11:20 You are really doing the whole God thing before?
11:24 Well I was playing the part I guess.
11:26 I was sitting in church and raised Adventist most of my
11:30 life and been to church most of my life, I spent six
11:34 years out of church partying and doing things and stuff
11:38 like that that you know not wanting God and submerging
11:42 myself and things that God couldn't be a part of.
11:45 But He was still always there. That is the crazy part.
11:49 It's just amazing that He's there.
11:54 So what that night did for you I watched and listened
11:57 because we have been in contact since that night, but
12:01 I have watched and listened as God became a part of your
12:05 life everyday, it was like this journey is a journey
12:09 with God and I with Holy Spirit.
12:11 Yeah exactly and even though I had been growing up in
12:15 church, I had never actually really felt God there.
12:18 It never really felt real to me, it was going through
12:22 the motions and sometimes I think it seems like it is
12:26 easier if you have never been in church to come then to
12:29 be raised in it and not feel like you are actually
12:33 a part of it and you feel like a hypocrite.
12:35 To know all the words - yet know all the words but not
12:39 really feel it and really believe it in yourself.
12:41 You know you hear God say I love you and not believe it.
12:44 It's just like I will go to church because that's what
12:47 we do. - there's things that I know about you that
12:51 I want to bring in, or bring that to the table too.
12:55 You are hearing God saying I will never leave or forsake
12:58 you or any of that stuff, as your dad is leaving.
13:01 So you have had rejection from the time you were tiny.
13:04 So even talk about that, you are in church and hearing
13:07 all the right words but your life is not reflecting
13:09 anything right. - no it is not.
13:11 Because every girl wants their dad to be a part of their
13:15 life and it's hard because I have always dreamed of
13:20 getting married someday and having him walk
13:22 me down the aisle.
13:24 And when you hear people say God is your Father,
13:28 I didn't want to hear it, it was no because my dads like
13:32 no I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear
13:35 the word father thank you because I had to start
13:38 relating to God more as a friend then a father at first.
13:42 It was just too painful because even though you have all
13:46 the promises, people are you having His promises just
13:49 believe them and you can't if you have had nothing but
13:53 broken promises your whole life.
13:56 Even hearing God's promises is like well He's going to
14:00 let me down because everybody else has.
14:02 When is that shoe going to drop? - Yeah, Exactly.
14:06 Growing up without a father was really hard because I
14:11 never really felt good enough, never really felt like
14:16 I really mattered that much.
14:18 I remember you saying one time, When am I going to be
14:21 enough and I remember you saying that and the sadness
14:24 of this incredible woman, saying when am I?
14:30 When is it going to happen for me?
14:31 Until recently, a few months ago were my dad again,
14:35 things have been going so well for the last year and
14:39 a half and he would call me when he came to town and
14:43 we would hang out and he would let me money to do things.
14:46 To help out with stuff and things were, were so amazing
14:49 and I had actually let those walls down and let him
14:51 completely in to the point where it was scary.
14:57 I wanted it to be so real and then that all came crashing
15:00 down I noticed a few months ago because he wrote me another
15:04 letter saying that he didn't feel I appreciated him.
15:08 - I'm cutting you out of my life!
15:09 - yeah exactly and I'm just going to cut everybody out
15:13 of my life and yourself included.
15:15 You know I couldn't breathe, I was at my grandmas house
15:21 I had to go home, I just had to go home and I was laying
15:26 there at home and feeling tempted to cut and stuff like
15:31 that and something told me Ashley - you went by that
15:35 really fast and nobody knows what cutting means.
15:39 So tell them your history of that.
15:41 With cutting I started cutting when I was in high school,
15:45 not very often. - what does cutting mean?
15:48 I would take a knife and start cutting on me and
15:54 I've got scars are my arms and stuff.
15:56 Because I wanted the emotional pain to go away, I wanted
16:00 to feel something physical, something real,
16:03 am I really still alive so to see myself bleed
16:06 it meant I was alive.
16:08 Then that peace that came out of that, I know it sounds
16:12 weird. - it sounds weird but a lot of people want to
16:17 understand what does that mean for someone?
16:21 I love your description, I don't feel real, and I don't
16:25 feel real enough and I don't feel, I don't feel.
16:28 When I cut, when I see that blood at least I know that
16:34 I am real, I am alive. - exactly, exactly.
16:39 So when going back with what happened with my dad
16:43 recently here I had that temptation again to cut and
16:47 then goodness like six years before the last time and
16:52 I was laying there and say God where do I start being
16:55 good enough. He just whispered Ashley you have always
16:59 been good enough for Me, always!
17:02 - what did that do to your heart?
17:05 I just had this peace and all of a sudden, it was like I
17:10 actually gotten to the point finally where I felt okay.
17:16 He is real, He is really who He says He is.
17:20 It was like God is not going to let me down, even if
17:23 everybody else does He won't, He won't
17:25 He's always going to be there.
17:27 I went to our Vespers program after that and the support
17:31 I had was just amazing, I had always before I'm going to
17:36 do this on my own so I would pretend I was okay.
17:39 People would ask me how are you doing and I would say,
17:42 oh I am good and inside I like do you really want to know?
17:45 You really don't right?
17:47 Even though I really want is to tell people I just
17:49 wouldn't, - you didn't share anything - know I wouldn't.
17:53 I wouldn't tell anybody anything and I felt like I was
17:56 suffocating in doing that.
17:58 Even if I told God wasn't enough, it just wasn't enough.
18:02 So I went back to the church and I told a couple friends
18:05 of mine what was going on and I talked with them and
18:09 prayed with them and I went home feeling so much better.
18:13 She went over that way too fast because I know not only
18:18 did you decide to open up to friends and let them into
18:22 your space, they then opened up to you and this entire
18:26 group stood up and started ministering to each other.
18:29 The group that you have been worshiping with for ever but
18:33 nobody ever talked to anybody. - no nobody did.
18:35 You know that is the amazing thing about recovery and
18:38 going through this ride that I have been on is that like
18:42 all this time I see these people in my church and I would
18:45 be like oh they have it together and I can only wish
18:48 to be like them someday.
18:50 The more I opened up the more they opened up, and the
18:54 more we met in the middle we realized woe we're all
18:59 hurting people here and it was just like you start to
19:03 see people in a different light. - and it becomes real.
19:06 - it does. It becomes very real and you help each other
19:10 through your problems and you are there to support each
19:13 other. - what I loved it that think I got it either the
19:17 next time I went out McBride and you told me that you are
19:21 not going to believe this Cheri but I'm leading a little
19:24 ministry group and I thought oh shut up, that is the
19:28 coolest thing I'd heard.
19:30 Because I knew, when we spent that evening together
19:33 I look at you and thought if she ever got sold out for
19:37 God she is going to bless someone, and you were.
19:40 The church had actually asked me if I would be the social
19:43 committee ministry leader? I was like whoa are
19:47 you kidding me, my social idea, when they told me
19:51 I would be planning parties, I'm thinking oh boy the
19:54 parties I want to plan your not want to going to have.
19:57 - I'm still recovering - I don't want to go there.
20:01 But I really felt God say no, it's okay, I'm going to
20:05 go with you on it. - I'm going to go with you and
20:08 I'm actually going to teach you to do it in a way that
20:11 is healthy - oh exactly. - Teach you to laugh out loud
20:13 in a way that is healthy. - Exactly.
20:15 No Coke, no cutting no anything. - no nothing.
20:18 You know the thing is like being the social committee leader has
20:24 been huge, I mean I've always been a follower most of my
20:28 life, all through playing hockey it was like people knew
20:31 I was to go to person when we needed a goal go to Ashley,
20:35 send her out or whatever.
20:36 I always felt like even though people felt that in me
20:40 I couldn't believe that in myself, I have never felt
20:45 like a leader, ever.
20:46 So when they asked me to take on that role I was like are
20:49 you kidding me? Okay and I actually prayed about it for
20:53 a couple of days before I said yes, but I felt God saying
20:57 it was okay so last year was the first year that I did it
21:00 and I am again this year.
21:02 The route I want to go with it is alot of times social
21:07 committees tend to be for a church, bring the church
21:12 together and stuff which is important, it is really good,
21:15 but I want to be more than that.
21:17 I wanted to be a tool for all the people who have left the
21:21 church to come and see that yet we still have fun together
21:24 and it is not just sitting there - you can actually be real here.
21:28 - we can be real together and hang out together
21:30 and just be friends and really use it as a ministry tool.
21:35 One thing that I know and for a lot of us in our recovery
21:40 is that we have never been able to just be friends
21:42 because of our damage so our heart longs for that.
21:45 And it should happen in the building, if it happens in the
21:49 building there is something incredibly healing about that.
21:53 So we are going to take a break and come back but not now.
21:56 I want to first talk about that there is a couple things
21:59 that God during that time asked you to give up and they
22:02 were huge things for you because it is where you got all
22:05 of your affirmation and all of your good stuff.
22:11 After you had come to McBride the first time, it started
22:18 a little bit before, probably two months before.
22:22 Acts For Christ that year was Edmonton and I went out and took
22:26 part in Ty Gibson weekend thing about relationships.
22:31 Some of things I was hearing was like whoa, are you kidding me?
22:36 I was actually in a relationship no sorry I had just gotten
22:40 out of a relationship that I was in like a month before
22:43 that and I had questioned did I do the right thing?
22:47 Did I just push him away because of my trust issues with
22:51 men? Was it really like should have I let him go?
22:56 I got that affirmation that weekend from hearing Ty Gibson
23:00 and all the things that a relationship should have and
23:04 seeing that none of those were really there.
23:07 It was like okay I did the right thing
23:10 and that started it.
23:12 I think it was two weeks before you came to McBride
23:15 I went on a hockey tournament - because you have played
23:18 hockey your whole life? - I played hockey since
23:21 I was 13 years old and I'm not just talking playing
23:24 hockey, I slept it, I watched it, I traded hockey cards,
23:28 I did hockey, hockey everything so we played outside.
23:32 I lived at the rink pretty much, it was like my second
23:36 home really and I was good at it.
23:40 It was one thing that I knew I was good at.
23:42 That was the one and only thing I thought that I had
23:45 all this time.
23:47 And when I went to that hockey tournament I realized
23:51 that I had to let it go and it was so crazy.
23:57 - I don't think I fit anywhere else and I fit right here.
24:02 Exactly an even though music had started had always been a
24:07 thing for me, I still didn't believe I was really that good.
24:11 Hockey was the one thing I knew I could do.
24:14 It was like okay you're going to take this away? Oh no.
24:19 Everyone reminds me of this is going to sound so
24:22 ridiculous, but it reminds me of when Moses said I don't
24:25 have anything and He said what is in your hand?
24:27 So I have decided that weekend, I had let the team know,
24:33 that week end I had to stop.
24:36 God used a tendon injury to help me reaffirm my re-injured tendon
24:44 playing baseball and I pulled the Achilles' tendon and
24:47 ended up getting tendinitis out of it so it was just
24:51 painful to walk even sometimes in the morning.
24:54 So I made the choice to not play hockey for that year
24:58 and that is when everything just started to come out.
25:02 Like you wouldn't believe it was just, I hadn't realized
25:05 how much stuff that I had.
25:07 So we are going to take a break and what I want you to
25:10 hear from that or think about in your own life is that
25:13 sometimes what ever we used to mask everything really
25:17 works or else we wouldn't use it.
25:19 Hockey worked for Ashley, for me it was drugs that work
25:22 for me and somebody else it might be sexual stuff that
25:26 works for them or whatever or porn addiction or whatever.
25:29 But whatever works for us when all of a sudden I surrender
25:33 that I'm telling you what is under the surface is scary.
25:36 We will be right back, stay with us!