Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Palischer Ratliff
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00087A
00:11 Welcome to Celebrating Life In Recovery,
00:12 I'm Cheri your host.
00:14 We get hit with a ton of things in life, but you know
00:17 what? The one thing I know for sure is that God is bigger
00:20 then all of those things and His goal is our recovery.
00:24 We are going to talk about that today, join us.
00:54 Okay this season we are looking at step four.
00:57 For people who do not like steps, it is just a process.
01:01 We are looking at what is underneath all of our junk.
01:05 What is interesting, I'm going to read some of the
01:09 personal inventory stuff that we have worked with this far
01:13 as in our ministry when we look at doing fearless moral
01:16 inventory, and we start looking at the underlying core
01:19 issues are we look at bitterness, pride, rebellion,
01:22 materialism, immoral thoughts and actions.
01:27 You know Palischer I'm inviting you on this program and
01:31 we are going to look at some of this as it relates to
01:34 your life, and tell me any so far? - oh yeah!
01:40 What is really interesting is that we look at if we are
01:44 going to get clean, if we're going to have our lives
01:48 back, if we're going to stand up free from all our stuff
01:51 we really do have to be honest.
01:54 Do I have bitterness? Is there people in my life that
01:57 I want to just grab them by the throat and hold it until
02:00 I see a facial color change? If you know what I mean?
02:04 Is there people in my life that I still have that if
02:07 I think long enough about them, I still have that stuff
02:10 come up and if I do, if there are then I'm going
02:14 to get tripped up.
02:16 Because it no longer hurts them, they are gone and going
02:18 about their lives and some of them are not even alive.
02:21 I still have all that stuff so we are looking at,
02:24 I love it when it talks about moral issues.
02:28 When you take moral inventory I am looking at sexual
02:33 stuff, any thoughts, any desires that you have.
02:38 Anything that is twisted in your life.
02:40 And don't tell me you don't have any of those because
02:43 most of us do, and most of us even if nobody on the
02:46 planet knows, you know. So it trips you up.
02:51 So during this season were looking at all that.
02:55 Generational stuff, sometimes I can work with somebody
02:58 and I can look at my own life, I don't even have to go
03:01 far to see this one.
03:03 I can start looking at great- grandparents and what
03:07 their issues are, grandparents, did they have anger issues,
03:10 alcohol issues, did they have porn stuff, were they
03:13 critical, where the judge mental, did they have
03:17 I have to be better than the neighbors next door,
03:20 did they have pride issues?
03:21 Then you look at your parents in the same kind of things
03:24 start happening there, and then you look at yourself
03:27 and one day you'll look in the mirror and you think
03:29 I am my parents, what happened with that?
03:32 It's just the whole generational thing, but if I can
03:35 get that on paper and look at that and ask God, which
03:38 is the best accountability partner on the planet.
03:42 Ask God, can You help me and God says absolutely.
03:45 Another one is just any kind of sinful habit and we
03:48 will get into what that looks like.
03:50 Occult activity, we are very much faith-based and
03:54 I believe there is a good and the bad out there.
03:57 I believe there is a devil and there is a God.
04:01 Sometimes with the occult stuff I can get involved
04:05 and they get their hooks in me really young.
04:09 Even though I turn things over and start walking
04:14 towards recovery, walking towards God, walking towards
04:18 my spirituality or health in that way, it's even then
04:22 these hooks are still there and there is a time when you
04:26 can confess to God, to someone else, the Bible, I love
04:29 the verses that says confess your sins to one another,
04:32 pray for one another so you can be healed.
04:34 Some of the occult stuff we need to repent of that,
04:37 confess that at Ask God if there is anything that the devil
04:41 has in my life that relates to this and take it from me.
04:45 Remove it from me, I'm done with it.
04:47 What is really fun about God, and I want to kiss Him
04:51 on the face when He does this.
04:52 What is really fun about God is that He shows it to us
04:55 in a gentle way.
04:57 All of a sudden we'll have a thought about something,
05:00 or we will talk to a friend I and that friend will expose
05:03 something to us that we think I have an issue with that.
05:06 Don't lose those moments, because those moments in
05:08 recovery are life-changing.
05:10 Thought patterns, I don't know about you but there was a time
05:14 of my life that my thoughts were constantly negative.
05:18 Constantly not only negative, but so self focused.
05:22 There is almost 7 billion people in the world and all day
05:27 I'm thinking about me, if you know what I mean?
05:30 Get over that, and I know some body out there is hearing me
05:34 because there's all stuff I could be thinking about,
05:37 but because of my damage, because of my injuries all day
05:41 long if I stop and listen to my thoughts, it's about me,
05:45 and what happened to me, what they said about me,
05:48 how was I was offended by so-and-so or whatever.
05:51 The devil himself keeps us locked up in that and
05:53 God says I want to set you free.
05:55 This season is about that.
05:57 Palischer I want to just say thank you so much for coming
06:02 on the program, and I say that but I'm the only one knows
06:07 when I first asked you, you said what?
06:10 Talk about that, your reaction of just even being here.
06:13 It's unbelievable to me, first thank you for inviting me.
06:17 It was hard for me to get my hands around, she wants me
06:21 to be on 3ABN, me? I don't have nothing really to share
06:25 with nobody, I'm just an average person.
06:29 Cheri sees something in what I've talked about that she
06:31 thinks would benefit someone else and that made me feel
06:34 like extra special, but it scared me to death
06:37 at the same time.
06:39 Amen, so you know where I want to start.
06:41 You really did touch my heart from the first time I heard
06:47 any part of your journey.
06:49 So let's start with when I read this inventory list,
06:53 is there anything that you said you know what, I think
06:57 that's me, and I think that's me, and I think that's me.
07:01 And start about your spiritual journey long before what
07:05 happened with your children.
07:07 Okay, I guess I'll start with who I am as far as in my
07:14 family, I'm the youngest sibling of six.
07:17 So that sets the stage for jealousy, for spoiled, getting
07:25 your way, selfishness and those types of things.
07:28 My mother was a Seventh-day Adventist Christian and my
07:32 father an alcoholic so there were a lot of back-and-forth
07:37 things with mixed messages you get in a house that is divided.
07:42 - it is so divided. - it was really divided.
07:44 I always had to ask people to do this because alcoholism
07:48 looks different in different homes.
07:50 It's a kind of theme you don't talk about stuff and all
07:54 that, but what did it look like at your house?
07:58 Well um humm, for me I do not see it as clear as my
08:04 sisters did because I was so young, it ended before
08:09 I got old enough to remember a lot of it.
08:11 There were some physical abuse of my mother and my dad
08:16 cussed a lot, a lot of us were scared of him.
08:19 In fact all of us were afraid of him except for me
08:21 because I was his baby girl.
08:23 So his drunkenness never bothered me because when he was
08:26 drunk he would take me to his friends and say this is my
08:29 baby, and they would love me.
08:30 I always felt loved and not afraid.
08:32 Cussing it didn't bother me, it just didn't bother me.
08:36 But my sisters have a whole different story to tell,
08:40 so they are like yeah right.
08:42 I love when you say that because when I was little the
08:46 cussing was just language. - yeah.
08:48 When I look back on it I think oh man, but when I was
08:52 going through it that's just the way our family
08:54 spoke to each other.
08:56 My mother always told us my dad was going to be lost
08:59 because of that, you don't want to talk like that
09:02 because God does what you talking like that.
09:03 So kids are kids and we would talk to each other and say
09:07 those words just because we heard daddy say them.
09:09 We didn't even know we were talking about, and
09:11 I can't say them on the TV and we would talk back and
09:13 forth and mom would tell us we can't say that
09:15 type of thing, that's not good.
09:16 So we grew up knowing what was right and wrong,
09:19 and daddy was down and we were up if we did what Mama said.
09:22 That was important to us and mother was very domineering
09:26 so I guess I picked up that trait from her.
09:29 Getting my way as her baby make me selfish, very selfish.
09:34 What is interesting when you talk that dominant thread
09:38 that gets in there, is that we never even mentioned that
09:41 on this list, but that dominant thing there is a lot of
09:45 people that have that.
09:46 I will get what I want when I want it and
09:49 you will give it to me.
09:51 Some of us are more aggressive at that than others.
09:56 Yeah, assertive - yeah, assertive that's a better word.
10:01 But you do and I grew up in my sisters shadows.
10:05 We all went to the same schools and I was like their
10:10 sister, I didn't have my own identity.
10:11 That also puts rebellion in you because you want to be
10:15 who you are, you don't want to be someone else's
10:17 sister all the time.
10:18 Right, you were just a babe.
10:20 Just a baby and one of my sisters was very musical.
10:24 She is an excellent vocalist and she plays the cello.
10:27 She's just been right on the top of the line all through
10:31 school and my other sister were straight A student
10:33 and she was always in the limelight for that.
10:35 And another was a good public speaker and so you know
10:39 it was a lot to keep up with and I wasn't really
10:41 interested in but people expected if you come from this
10:44 line of things you are going to be like that too.
10:46 That puts pressure on you, and I was really not liking
10:50 living in my sisters shadow so it made me want to do my
10:53 own thing and that was where I the rebellion part came in.
10:55 We all grew up in church, we all knew right from wrong,
10:58 but I wanted to do it my kind of way.
11:01 I wanted to do it so rebellion was really, really.
11:04 So what did that look like?
11:05 It look like not going to church if you didn't want to.
11:09 - you really can't make me do anything, - nothing.
11:13 Not necessarily while I was at home, going to school
11:18 is a big issue when I was at home.
11:19 I had decided I did not want to go to school anymore so
11:22 my mom called the preacher and they put me in church
11:25 school because we had all been through public school.
11:27 None of us could afford to go to church school.
11:30 When I decided I wasn't going to school my mother called
11:33 the Pastor and they may me wash dishes at the Academy to
11:36 to pay for my tuition. - That helped your rebellion.
11:38 It was really the very best thing that could happen to me
11:41 because it opened a door to a whole new arena of people.
11:44 People you just see on Sabbath at church, you don't
11:46 really know them but when you start going to school
11:49 with the kids you get to know the more.
11:50 Palischer, I have to say one of the things for even
11:54 parents is that they will protect their kids from, and
11:57 like if their child doesn't want to do something and
12:00 voices their opinions strong enough, they won't make it
12:03 happen, but sometimes when you make it happen, even
12:06 though the child may be kicking and screaming there is
12:09 so much good that comes from it.
12:11 So I love when you said that, it was the best thing that
12:13 happened. Somebody has got to hear that.
12:15 That is a hard age to get through especially when you have
12:18 dysfunction, when you have addictions.
12:21 Especially alcoholism and that stuff that kid is going
12:24 to act out and when they act out can you set the
12:27 boundaries and keep them?
12:28 Send them to do dishes at the Academy.
12:31 It was you know a change, I didn't have to go back to
12:34 school where I was at and that was what I wanted.
12:37 So I got my way and that way you never knew what I was
12:40 getting into on the other hand.
12:42 But I made it through that.
12:43 But after I got grown then I decided I wanted to do things
12:48 my way, for real, my way.
12:50 College wasn't my thing, I went to Oakwood four a quarter
12:54 and I decided that was not what I wanted to do.
12:57 I went to class one time and they told me I had to read
13:00 all this stuff, and I had never read anything in my life,
13:02 not a whole book.
13:04 I went to three classes and each one of them said
13:06 I had to read two or three chapters and come back
13:09 tomorrow, and I was like I don't think so.
13:11 So I spent my time working paying off my tuition but
13:15 I never went back to classes.
13:16 So I didn't owe any money when my quarter was over and
13:18 I came home and I stayed.
13:20 That was a good experience also.
13:23 As I got older I started meeting people that were not in
13:29 the church, men especially.
13:30 I was always overweight, people always saying she has
13:33 such a beautiful face, she has such a pretty face.
13:36 I wanted to be more than a pretty face, what is this
13:38 pretty face thing? I'm glad I'm pretty, okay fine.
13:41 But that was not me.
13:42 - it actually was a slam to you. - yeah.
13:45 What your heart heard was that all you see. - yeah!
13:48 All you see is a pretty face, there is more to me than my
13:51 face and so men were attracted to me.
13:55 That was exciting and I just got off onto the wrong foot,
13:59 I got on the wrong foot and I started acting out and was
14:02 very promiscuous and ended up having two boys not married.
14:06 I love them very much and I am sure that I hurt my
14:09 mother's heart and my family and embarrassed them.
14:13 The church put me out and that wasn't an easy thing
14:17 but an understandable thing.
14:20 What did, because you know all these things that start
14:24 to happen, we have to process them some way.
14:27 So when the church put you out, when you realized you
14:30 were going to be a single parent, what kind of things
14:33 went through your head? Because we don't walk around
14:37 with our anger and our rebellion all the time.
14:39 There is a time that we actually seriously
14:41 set with ourselves.
14:42 Yeah, well I have to do this myself then.
14:45 If I can't have the support of the church family anymore,
14:48 I have to do it myself which wasn't hard for me because
14:51 that is what I wanted to do anyway.
14:53 But I didn't necessarily stopped going to church.
14:56 You can take me off the rolls, but you can't make me
14:59 stop coming, so church is for sinners
15:02 that is what they preach, so.
15:03 I didn't go all the time but whenever I got ready.
15:06 I didn't feel I was barred away, but I was able to focus
15:10 on my kids, they were my priority now.
15:13 I could make life different for them, I didn't want them to live
15:16 in each other's shadow, I made sure they had the same father
15:19 so they wouldn't have to deal with his dad and that dad
15:21 and that type of thing.
15:22 But I wanted them to have each other,
15:26 that was the main thing.
15:27 Having one was bad and when I had the other one my
15:30 mother thought I had really lost my mind.
15:31 - she was like what are you are doing?
15:33 I was like he can't be by himself.
15:35 - it was like there is a logic in your mind.
15:37 Like it was perfectly logical for one sibling, he needs
15:40 I had five so, well six of them so I knew that there
15:43 is value in having someone with you. - right!
15:46 And what is really, and I would like you to address it
15:50 for second, what is interesting is we in our rebellion,
15:55 in our acting out we don't think of what God says about
15:59 we need mother, father and the whole family thing.
16:02 We don't think about that because what we think is that
16:05 I can take care of it all.
16:06 And you're thinking of right now.
16:08 Before you are a parent you have no idea what being
16:12 a parent is, you've been a kid all this time and see what
16:15 your parents haven't done for you, and what you wish they
16:18 had done for you so in your mind you could do what they
16:20 didn't do and you can be better at this thing than they can.
16:23 Not a clue as to what is really going on.
16:26 They are not going to stay babies, one day one of them is
16:28 going to grow up and have their own opinion just like
16:30 I have mine and then what am I going to do?
16:32 But you're not thinking that at the time.
16:34 I saw a book one time and I just haven't even gone through
16:37 it totally but it was called 'Fields of the Fatherless.'
16:41 To me I think lot of us don't think past our own
16:48 personal needs, we don't think about what's going to
16:51 happen to this child with our decision.
16:55 So you have your baby. - yeah both of them.
16:58 Two sons. - 2 sons two years apart.
17:00 What were their names? - David and Boyd.
17:02 David was my first son and Boyd was my second son.
17:05 Exactly 2 years and two days apart, one on June 14
17:08 and one on June 16.
17:09 It was great, I loved being a mother and I love having
17:13 them, and they loved me back and I didn't have no worry
17:17 if anybody at love me or except it.
17:19 - filling some of those needs for you?
17:21 Yeah because I think what I realize in hindsight is that
17:25 parents need to be emotionally there for their kids.
17:28 My parents were never emotionally there for me so
17:31 I didn't even know I had emotional needs.
17:33 In turn I didn't know my kids had emotional needs.
17:36 So their emotional needs were not met either.
17:38 Because I didn't know you needed to do that part of
17:40 parenting, so it is a cycle that happens.
17:43 When you talk about it like what we are looking at,
17:47 even this whole season is that cycle.
17:49 When I start having the damage in my life, is I shut down
17:55 emotionally or intellectually I shut down.
17:57 My heart gets locked up, locked up so tight that I don't
18:01 respond in that way anymore.
18:03 And in your family the genera- tional thing is the emotional
18:06 thing was locked up, so they may love you and do the
18:09 right thing and all that stuff and you know it,
18:11 but emotionally you didn't get anything.
18:13 And usually with an alcoholic parent is they are so self
18:16 focused because of their addictions that they don't even
18:19 know how to really give in an honest way. - right!
18:22 And I know there is some alcoholic watching and screaming
18:26 at the set right now, but I know that is a blind spot
18:30 we have but your children do miss out in our addictions.
18:33 What you are saying is that I missed out, I missed out to
18:36 the point that I didn't even give it so the whole
18:38 generational stuff starts.
18:40 Yeah it starts and hurts me now because now that I've got
18:43 it, my kids already have the damage because they didn't
18:46 have it to give to them at that time.
18:48 I'm trying really hard now to make up for it and to reach
18:52 my grandchildren and try to nurture them and feel where
18:55 their minds are now.
18:56 Because kids couldn't say nothing when they were coming up
18:59 Your to be seen and not heard, so no matter how you
19:02 felt about something you didn't tell anybody because
19:05 you couldn't talk.
19:06 What I would like to do because I think it's a great
19:10 time to just stop and take a break and come back and actually
19:13 get into now how did that step into the lives of your
19:17 parenting to your children?
19:19 So we are great go ahead and take a break because what is
19:22 really incredible to me is that somebody has to blink,
19:25 somebody has to do recovery, somebody is going to
19:27 actually do the hard work.
19:29 If you don't do it your children will do it, and if
19:32 they don't do it their children won't do it but everybody
19:34 gets trashed until somebody says I'll do it.
19:37 I don't care how hard it is, I don't care what I have to
19:41 look at, I don't care what I have to ask, who I have to
19:44 ask, how I have processed this, but it stops with me.
19:48 And when it stops with you your legacy, what you pass on
19:52 is actually good stuff, it's good stuff.
19:55 Stay with us we will be right back!