Celebrating Life in Recovery

Mother's Death/Daughter's Love

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Bobbie Hartman, Tammy Hartman, Haylee Staton


Series Code: CLR

Program Code: CLR00085C

00:12 Welcome back, we are now going to meet Haylee and I just
00:17 want to say we are doing this whole program on looking at
00:21 her stuff, are there any blind spots, are you really
00:23 being tripped up by things that may take your life?
00:27 How does God bring us out of that?
00:29 When the worst case happens, like what happened with Lynn
00:37 is, does God care about that?
00:40 What was incredible to me Haylee that God with your mom
00:45 was there at the very last minute.
00:47 So I would like to start with you telling us who you are.
00:52 Telling us what did you feel when you watched your aunt
00:56 talking about your mom on death?
00:58 Well I'm Haylee, Lynn's daughter, and I am almost 15.
01:04 Actually my birthday is in July.
01:06 When my aunt was just now talking earlier about my mom,
01:10 some of the stuff I really didn't know because they never
01:14 told me, so it was more like a big shock.
01:16 I was more like whoa. - What stuff didn't you know?
01:21 I didn't know that my mom had threatened by Me-ma.
01:25 I didn't know that.
01:26 You told me one time that you would even go and get
01:31 your mom's drugs, talk about that a little bit.
01:35 You told me about going to the neighbors.
01:37 I would be playing outside and my mom will come and get me
01:40 and she would be like, would you run over to the neighbors
01:43 house and get this for me? I'd have a note with it.
01:46 I would just go up to the house and get whatever was
01:49 needed and bring it to her.
01:51 So even though you didn't know what happened with your
01:54 grandma and your mom, but you knew about your mom's taking
01:58 pain meds? I knew right off the bat. - Talk about that.
02:02 What was it like, what was your house like?
02:04 It was like, I wouldn't really know how to describe it.
02:08 It was more like confused really sad, and why is she doing this?
02:12 Because your mom really gave the care of raising your sister
02:16 on you, kind of because she was high?
02:19 Yeah, I did some of the work sometimes but not all the
02:25 time. Did you love your mom? - very, very much,
02:29 I was a mama's girl. - Where you? - yes!
02:32 Was she always strung out, was she always using?
02:36 I mean when you were a real little do you remember that?
02:40 No, it just started happening after she had her surgery,
02:44 but before that she was really cool.
02:46 She would play with us but after her surgery she just
02:50 went loco, she lost it all. It was really sad.
02:54 What age when she had her surgery? Do you remember?
02:59 Was I? - yes. - like 11, or 10.
03:04 So before that it was like a normal house? - Um hmmm.
03:08 Where was your dad during this time?
03:10 He was, most of the time he went to work and he brought us
03:14 to my Me-ma's House and my aunt would take us to school.
03:17 Sometimes if he was going to go do something,
03:20 he does it differently.
03:21 Was that real dad or stepdad?
03:23 - stepdad, I've never met my real dad.
03:25 To this day? - to this day.
03:28 So with, talk about during the last part, well talk
03:37 about who you are spiritually first.
03:38 I know that you are a Christian. - Um hmmm.
03:40 So talk about that. - Well I have been an Adventist
03:43 for like four years, but when my mom was alive I really
03:47 didn't go to church.
03:48 I went to church and went out to eat and stuff I wasn't
03:51 really a big Christian.
03:53 After she died, I opened up and started letting God in
03:58 and went on Kids Time and gave my heart to God.
04:03 - Was you blessed then? - yes and I am now going to
04:07 a Christian school. - right.
04:09 What part of your mom's journey influenced you to come
04:15 back and look at who God is for real?
04:17 When she gave her life to God, I never thought she would
04:20 do that again, it was like I never thought that.
04:25 What was that like for you?
04:26 I was happy, I was like hey she's getting back with God
04:30 again, and I was happy.
04:33 Did you see the hope in her eyes when she started doing that?
04:35 Not really because the night she gave her life to God
04:40 I wasn't there, thankfully because I was with my dad in
04:45 Kansas City celebrating my grandpa's birthday.
04:49 Because that was also the night she died? - yes!
04:52 It was very unexpected. - for you it was?
04:58 Or was it for everybody really? - really everybody.
05:00 She was getting into rehab and doing the whole recovery
05:03 thing. - I was young and didn't really know much.
05:06 I was just like, I was just like normal daughter until
05:10 afterwards and all this stuff started happening and me
05:15 and my sister got separated and we went somewhere else.
05:20 So you went different places to live?
05:22 So not only did you really knew, this is where I think
05:26 a lot of people do not realize, is you really knew how
05:30 to care for your sister and take that leadership role
05:33 in the household, so you adapted to that.
05:36 But when mom, when you lost your mom, not only the
05:40 sadness with that, but then you guys get separated?
05:43 We rarely saw each other, we talked on the phone all the
05:48 time but we live so far apart, like we were an hour apart.
05:52 So you don't see each other too much? - no but as things
05:56 changed and I was going to a Christian school, now I see
06:01 her more often. - is she in the same school?
06:04 No, she is in the same city as me. - okay!
06:06 So your life has changed in a lot of different ways
06:11 since your mom's death. What was that like because
06:14 I can't imagine losing my mom, especially when
06:18 you were so young. Did you go to counseling?
06:21 Yes I went to counseling ever since after she died.
06:25 I went to counseling and quit, I went back to counseling
06:29 and I am still in it now.
06:31 Does it help to be able to talk to somebody?
06:33 - yes and it helps to know
06:35 there is somebody who will not tell nobody about any
06:38 thing I tell them, and she is really cool.
06:42 I get to play games and stuff until something comes up
06:47 in my mind that I want to talk about.
06:48 So she doesn't rush you or push you to talk about stuff?
06:53 What is the hardest thing for you with your mom gone?
06:58 Going through life without her, like without her there
07:02 it's like I don't have a family anymore.
07:06 Because dad is not here anymore? - right!
07:10 Your stepfather, he left about the same time? Did he?
07:13 He was cheating on my mom when mom was in the hospital.
07:17 Him and this other girl, it wasn't all his fault.
07:21 Me, I pretty much took control of my sister and then
07:26 after my dad had moved out and was gone everything just
07:30 start falling apart. - wow!
07:34 I can't even imagine the things you've gone through.
07:35 Yeah, I have lost a lot.
07:37 Yeah and your grandma died after that too right?
07:40 Well both, one before and one after. - wow!
07:43 How did you survive all of this?
07:46 I honestly don't know, with out God I wouldn't be
07:51 here, I don't know where I would be.
07:53 I would be lost in the desert somewhere.
07:55 Right, you really held on to God in prayer and definitely
08:00 been able to talk to somebody like a counselor.
08:03 I'm not the type of girl that holds stuff in,
08:05 I have to let it out.
08:06 If I told a lie, five seconds later I'd have to tell
08:09 somebody, I cannot hold stuff in, it is hard for me to do.
08:14 I just really want to adopt you.
08:17 I felt like that because we have met the few times and
08:20 I have felt like that every single time I meet you I feel
08:24 like I know the pain you have to deal with, the struggles
08:28 that you have to go through.
08:29 I know that sometimes you are at a school function and you
08:33 have neither a mother or a father there to come in and
08:36 watch you and my heart breaks for you, but I also have so
08:40 much faith in God and His ability to lift your head up.
08:43 This is going to be a huge question.
08:46 So if you tell me I just don't understand what you're
08:50 asking just feel free to say that.
08:52 We talk about the fact that sometimes people let their
08:56 addictions really go on to where they don't even face
09:01 them, they don't even acknowledge them.
09:03 Everybody around them suffers, does that make sense when
09:07 we talk about that? Did you feel that in your own life?
09:11 That your mom never, go ahead and talk about that.
09:14 When she was addicted she was like always falling asleep.
09:17 Me and my aunt would have to come to get us, or me and
09:21 my sister would walk home from school sometimes.
09:23 Because she forget to pick you up?
09:24 Yeah she would fall asleep and like I couldn't do anything
09:26 with her, she would either sleep or get so scared
09:29 she was sending me to Me-ma's House when there was
09:33 tornado and such. She had some paranoia then? - yeah!
09:36 She had some fears.
09:38 It really affected me much, a lot because with all this
09:43 and just couldn't face losing my mom.
09:47 I never pictured it.
09:48 So to me I like what you said because you said sometimes
09:52 in our addictions we forget to pick our kids up, the
09:56 was you, pick our children up, and there
10:00 is no way that somebody can come to a game, or sing in
10:03 the choir there is no way for that to happen because of
10:06 the condition, and when you got home who fixed meals?
10:09 Sometimes my mom did but other times I would go
10:12 to my aunt's house and eat her food,
10:14 she cooked most of the time.
10:16 You knew if your mom was too high to just go to your aunt's
10:20 house and you could get something to eat. - ah hmmm!
10:23 Who is the adult in the house do you think?
10:26 Hmmm. - because I'm thinking it was you.
10:30 Well I'm not sure, I don't think it was my mom much
10:35 but I don't think it was me because I was in that growing
10:40 stage and I did some stuff that wasn't the best.
10:43 But, I'm not sure exactly.
10:46 - so there were no adults in the house?
10:48 Well me acting like one sometimes.
10:53 It is really interesting because every time I meet you
10:57 and think about the fact that it's nice in recovery for
11:02 people to wake up to their own condition so that
11:06 they can bring in healing and everybody else can like
11:10 have a mom, have a normal household.
11:13 Would you have ever considered your house normal? - no.
11:16 The house has never been normal, never.
11:19 Would you invite friends over?
11:22 Yeah I was free to bring them over, I'm not embarrassed
11:27 with my family and if they don't like it then
11:29 that is their problem.
11:31 Even in all the craziness you protected your family?
11:35 Ah hmmm. - I love them, that is huge because you have
11:39 such a good heart, you have such a good heart.
11:41 If you were talking to somebody else that was in the
11:44 situation you were in growing up,
11:48 what would you say to them?
11:49 Just grab a hold of the Bible and don't let go.
11:56 Hang on to God, pray every day, read your Bible even
12:01 though it is hard to translate from being a normal
12:05 regular person to an Adventist it's going to take some
12:09 time and a lot of effort but with God's help
12:11 you can do it.
12:12 You really got a lot of comfort with your relationship
12:17 with God, but now I'm going to say some that I know
12:19 about you is that there was a time you are angry at God.
12:22 What does that look like and what did you say to Him
12:26 and how did He heal that?
12:30 Well I was like, after my mom died, why God? Why take
12:36 her away from me? She was the only thing I had.
12:39 I don't know how I healed but I started going to church
12:44 and got baptized and was in Pathfinders.
12:47 So you surrounded yourself with people that believed
12:51 in God? - Um hmmm. - a lot of support.
12:53 To me I, do you remember, like when you said,
12:58 you asked God why did You take her from me?
13:02 Can you remember those prayers and did you get
13:06 a sense of God's love for you?
13:09 I got a sense of it, like my heart was just touched,
13:12 I felt so bad after I said it, but I don't remember
13:15 the prayers, it was so long ago.
13:17 I love what you're saying that you got a sense that your
13:20 heart was touched, that God did hear me.
13:23 What I think for someone who has to go through that kind
13:28 of pain is that the reality is that God is the only
13:34 innocent party, I have a feeling that God a lot of times
13:38 tried to get your mom to stop using.
13:42 If you know what I mean?
13:44 That the whole situation was heartbreaking.
13:47 In some parts I'm glad that my mom did die because
13:50 I wouldn't be this close to God, I wouldn't be here
13:54 right now, I wouldn't be an Adventist.
13:56 I don't know who I would be but after my mom died
14:00 I got so close to God.
14:01 Most people it would be hard for them to understand that,
14:05 but it changed your whole life.
14:07 It did, I stopped eating pork and everything.
14:12 I feel so much better now.
14:14 - changed your diet and stuff.
14:15 So you know what I want to say is that I know that
14:19 you are in a Christian school right now and it has really
14:25 been difficult for you to stay in a Christian school
14:28 because financially there is no money anywhere.
14:30 You asked me, tell me what you asked me before we started
14:35 the program. - if I can mention something about to keep
14:39 staying in a Christian school because right now money
14:43 I don't even like the sound of that word because it has
14:46 caused much trouble and I don't really want to go back to
14:48 public school. I don't like it there at all.
14:51 I have lots of friends there but I don't like it there.
14:54 Because the direction you would go into public school is
14:58 probably not as safe? - yeah.
15:00 You know that everything in me tells you to not even try
15:03 drugs, don't drink, don't use don't do anything because
15:06 you have that addictive gene in you, but what you are
15:10 saying is I wish I could stay in Christian schools,
15:13 so what would be the only way that you could stay?
15:17 If I had some help, some sponsors, some people who would
15:22 like to help out a little bit.
15:24 So I have to say we never do this on this program, but I
15:28 am asking for a sponsor, I'm just asking if there is
15:32 anybody that could sponsor Haylee's education and you are
15:36 out there and hearing this, I beg you to get a hold of us.
15:39 truestepministries.org and we will put
15:42 you guys together. You know you are going to have a
15:46 battle, we talk about the blind spots in your mom.
15:49 The addictions that she had to deal with in her life
15:53 and how you begin not even to see the fact that I'm not
15:56 picking my kids up, and am not doing all that stuff but
16:00 in your sadness sometimes there's blind spots in your
16:04 own life, do you see any blind spots for things that maybe
16:08 you have to make sure you pay attention to?
16:11 Some of them yes, but not all the time.
16:15 Some spots are like blind but other spots I see clearly.
16:19 What kind of things do you deal with that you see clearly,
16:22 that you know I have to pay attention to this.
16:25 I have to bring it up with counseling, or with my friends.
16:28 When ever I start missing my mom, whenever I do some
16:33 thing I'm not proud of it and my faith in God and myself
16:38 get really low, it's like it's time.
16:41 So you can feel that slide? Right, you can feel that
16:45 all of a sudden I'm feeling depressed, I may be thinking
16:48 or saying things that are not good.
16:50 Do you have negative thoughts that you deal with?
16:52 Yes, to be honest all the time.
16:56 What's really if you didn't that would be so unusual,
17:00 because you have been through a lot, but even with those
17:04 negative thoughts, being able to not ignore them,
17:07 you really do want to talk to
17:11 the counselor or your Pastor or your aunt or somebody.
17:15 Call me up, we're Face Book friends, Face Book me.
17:19 But those negative thoughts if they stay, they literally
17:23 create blind spots that get you in a place where your life
17:27 changes, do you know what I mean?
17:29 Your current life, so being able to say I'm not
17:32 going to let those things just go without being brought
17:37 out to someone.
17:39 What does your negative thinking look like?
17:41 What kinds of things you think about?
17:43 Negative thoughts, like about me being fat, why am I here?
17:50 - being alone? - yeah.
17:52 So all those things and you know what?
17:56 I used to think that, because my parents were addicts,
17:59 so one of the things I have in common with you and it is
18:03 hard to explain to somebody, is that even at the best of
18:06 best an addict is very self focused.
18:10 They don't give their children a lot because they are
18:13 asleep, if you know what I mean?
18:14 They are doing something else, it's not that they don't
18:17 love us, they just don't give a lot.
18:18 So nobody probably has told you, you are beautiful.
18:23 Because I know when I tell you that you look at me and
18:27 smile and look away right away.
18:29 But you need to surround yourself with people who will
18:32 say you are beautiful and what you have to offer is
18:36 going to be incredible.
18:37 I know that at one point you even talked about someday
18:40 you would like to be in ministry.
18:42 What is that all about?
18:44 Well I want to help people who have been through what
18:47 I have been through, I want to help them step by step
18:50 with God's help, I don't want to sit back and
18:54 see all the stuff happening.
18:55 I want to actually know and help the people that are
19:01 going through some of the stuff.
19:02 To be able to see them, people who are having drugs in
19:05 their family, people that are going through death with
19:09 somebody that they love?
19:11 Anything else? - Just about like drugs too,
19:16 everything pretty much.
19:19 To me what is the e-mail that you have?
19:23 Hayleeministries@yahoo.com
19:28 I love that Haylee's ministries, so already you're
19:31 thinking in that direction, you really are looking at
19:34 how is God going to use this and how am I going to stand
19:38 up and how all my going to reach out to the people around
19:41 me that are going through the same kind of things.
19:43 I just have to say, there is a part of me that my heart
19:47 breaks for the things that you have to see, or had to
19:51 see this young because you are so young still.
19:55 But I also look at you and think that you are an
20:00 incredible young Christian that is standing up in
20:04 ministry and I am so proud of you.
20:06 Is there anything else that you need to tell us about
20:10 your journey that you think would be important to say?
20:16 Just keep your focus on God and don't let go no matter
20:20 how hard the devil tries, just don't, don't even.
20:25 He will try, he will because he's tried on me a lot.
20:30 Keep your focus on God as much as you can.
20:32 Thank you so much for being on the program.
20:35 Thank you for every single thing you brought to this
20:39 topic from your mom to what you have dealt with and even
20:44 what you are going to take in to ministry.
20:46 I just enjoyed hanging out with you.
20:48 Thank you I enjoyed it too. - cool!
20:50 Now what I would like for everyone to think about as
20:54 we close is that we are talking about our blind spots.
20:57 We are talking about the things they can actually take
21:01 us down, and I didn't mean to get so heavy with this at
21:05 first, but what I believe more than anything is that our
21:09 addictions will destroy us.
21:11 What I saw when I met Haylee and Bobby and Tammy,
21:16 when I met them the first time, is that they are dealing
21:19 with Lynn and what happened with Lynn and they were
21:22 powerless to do anything for her because she was locked in this
21:27 addiction unto the very end.
21:29 I am thrilled that she came back around at the very end.
21:32 I really believe that we have a God that if I can say to
21:36 God that I am done, I'm going to turn this over to you.
21:39 Please through the Holy Spirit show me every single thing that
21:45 I need to know to break out of my denial, to break out of my
21:50 addiction and if I have to I'll ask people that I love,
21:53 all as my husband or my daughter or my best friend.
21:56 Is there anything that you see that I am needing to look
22:01 at that I am not paying attention to.
22:02 Whether it is pride, whether it is anger, or whether it
22:06 is what a lot of us are just too sensitive and we respond
22:09 to everything, to hang out with us is like walking
22:12 on eggshells sometimes.
22:13 We have to look at all that stuff, am I dying in my
22:18 addictions and doing all that stuff and get that
22:20 information from someone else and let the Holy Spirit
22:23 direct you into recovery, direct you back to a right
22:26 relationship with God.
22:27 And in the Lamentations I'd love this in Lamentations it
22:30 says, "let us examine our ways." Lamentations 3:40
22:34 "let's examine our ways and let us turn back to the Lord."
22:38 Let us look at all our stuff and let us pay attention.
22:42 I just want to say the thousand times, pay attention
22:45 because recovery is not only stopping the addiction.
22:49 Recovery is not only turning away from that but it is
22:52 what ever trips you up as far as this character stuff.
22:56 Surrender that, be done with that and let God show you
23:00 who you actually are and how blessed you are in Him and
23:04 turn back to your relationships and love on
23:07 the people around you and let them love on you.
23:09 I had a great time, this was a heavy topic but you met
23:12 some incredible folks and I am glad that you are with us.
23:16 Remember to look at your stuff no matter what it looks
23:20 like, ask people were my blind spots are and stay with
23:23 us all season because we are going to cover a lot of
23:26 this so until then remember that God is crazy about you
23:29 and me too, goodbye and God bless.


Revised 2014-12-17