Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), C.A. Murray
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00084A
00:11 Welcome to Celebrating Life In Recovery
00:12 I'm Cheri your host.
00:13 This is what season, - season number seven.
00:16 Season seven and this season we are looking at and doing
00:21 a searching and fearless moral inventory.
00:23 Everybody hates that step for doing it so come join us.
00:54 Seven seasons ago Cheri we began in Odyssey and now
00:57 we are at a searching and fearless and moral inventory.
01:01 It even sounds scary. - it doesn't sounds very, very
01:04 daunting, but it is not really.
01:05 But it is a necessary step isn't it?
01:07 This is one of those steps that everybody stays away from
01:11 because it is really tough to say, like my husband when
01:14 he took his and you think that he was a Boy Scout,
01:17 he was from a normal household, he didn't have the same
01:20 background I had and he said that's probably not going
01:22 to be too bad.
01:24 So he started his fearless and searching moral inventory
01:27 saying I did do a few things wrong and I'm sorry.
01:31 He heard the Holy Spirit say no, no, no, no.
01:35 What exactly, get a piece of paper and a pen out.
01:38 What exactly did you do wrong?
01:40 What is really interesting is that he wanted to group
01:45 things together, when I was young I was sexual early,
01:50 slept around and I did whatever.
01:52 God was really asking him to be free as to who did
01:56 you sleep with and what kind of damage was done to
02:00 you and to them and he again tried to group it together.
02:02 He was always actually name some names and when
02:09 he turned around at one point told me Cheri I'm sorry
02:13 for all the things I did a girl popped up into his head
02:16 and he said that situation that night had plagued him
02:20 over the years because of how it was done, how she felt
02:24 afterwards, he said he didn't know her name and so
02:26 we say God the girl with red dress.
02:32 I don't even know her name but any damage
02:35 that I caused her.
02:36 So when you look at a moral inventory, when you are
02:39 looking at the things you have done in your life and
02:43 putting them down, what have you done sexually, what have you
02:47 done as far as character stuff, are you a liar?
02:50 I even hate that one because I am.
02:52 This is interesting Cheri because knowing your husband
02:57 he came into the relationship. I am the whole guy.
03:01 I'm going to resurrect you, she's kind of a mess.
03:04 When you turn the spotlight on yourself you realize that
03:07 you are just as damaged and you may be able to cover it
03:10 better, not the obvious stuff that you went through.
03:13 Everyone has baggage.
03:14 There is no one who goes through life baggage free.
03:16 One of things that really trashed him is his pride in
03:21 his arrogance and not so much directed at me, even at
03:25 times it was but he just really believed he was better
03:29 than the next person and when he starts looking at that
03:33 and realized how he damaged people with that over the
03:36 years he cried like a baby.
03:38 It's so hurt him but if we are going to get into recovery
03:40 and we are going to stay into recovery and get our lives
03:43 back we really have to look at what's underneath.
03:46 The anger issues and all that.
03:47 I'm going to give a demonstration, and this
03:50 demonstration is very interesting I saw the other
03:53 day and I thought it was brilliant.
03:54 Let's say when you get yourself in hot water what happens
04:01 to you? What comes out? - your colors your flavors.
04:05 Well you're flavors come out.
04:07 If you have anger stuff. If you are insecure and
04:10 you think negative about yourself. If you are arrogant.
04:14 If you are what ever it starts to come out.
04:16 It's just like when you put tea in this hot water,
04:19 pretty soon the water changes colors.
04:24 This is a pomegranate raspberry tea, so you put it in
04:28 and at first the water is just clear but pretty soon
04:33 it comes out.
04:34 Then you start squeezing this teabag a little bit
04:37 so it is not that the water is doing anything different
04:41 but what is in this teabag is going to cause this water
04:45 to change colors, to change flavors, and the smell
04:48 is going to come out.
04:50 In our recovery it's the same, I can dress it up and
04:53 I can say there really isn't anything that I'm really dealing
04:57 with anymore, but you push me, you get me against the wall.
05:00 You start pushing my buttons and I may be right at your
05:04 throat because that is what is in me still.
05:06 So if you squeeze me I'm right there.
05:08 What the four steps says, lets look at what's going to come
05:12 out when you get squeezed, or when you get into hot water.
05:16 Let's surrender that stuff. In a - yeah that is what's
05:19 so cool about the Bible, that is what you just stated in
05:23 a very urbane sort of way that is Pauline theology.
05:27 Back a person in a corner giving no quarter right or left,
05:31 squeeze them he will show you what he is made of.
05:34 Good or bad is going to come out.
05:36 That's the New Testament Pauline theology.
05:39 I could think of because I worked in the nursing field
05:43 for a while and there was an incident where I was at work
05:47 and something happened and we were doing a change of
05:49 shift and we were talking about different patients that
05:51 were on the unit.
05:53 The woman that I worked with all of sudden just lost it.
05:57 Screaming, you think you're better than me at all that
06:00 kind of stuff and I don't know she was screaming at me
06:03 or somebody else but she had lost it.
06:05 She just got squeezed and all that came out.
06:11 It wasn't that anybody said anything to her, but her
06:14 insecurities, herself doubts the fact that you are never
06:18 going to take anything from me again all came out.
06:21 If she doesn't, if we don't deal with that we will
06:24 always be manipulated by this stuff.
06:27 Why during that time do I need to bring someone else in?
06:32 You know because in most programs, and we are not
06:35 talking about any program because there are
06:37 tons of them out there.
06:38 There is an Oxford group that does their moral inventory
06:40 in a certain way, there's 12 step group that doesn't
06:43 a certain way, our group does it a certain way.
06:46 So everyone looks at this part of recovery
06:48 in a different way.
06:49 The Bible is really clear about doing this part of
06:52 recovery, renew your mind, and you examine yourself
06:55 and it says God search me and know my ways, so the
06:58 steps necessary regardless of how you do it.
07:02 But what is really cool about taking the step is that
07:07 I can't do it fully, and I will do another example
07:11 because I just learned about it by example.
07:14 CA are you a good driver? - I like to think so.
07:16 So if you are going cross-country to this as someone
07:20 and you are getting ready for a trip what do you do as
07:23 far as to make sure that trip is going to be successful?
07:25 first of all you had to know where your going and
07:27 how you are going to get there.
07:29 how about your car, oil any of that stuff.
07:31 tires and brakes you know.
07:33 Leave when you are tired or rested? -Rested!
07:35 So you really are going to check a lot of things.
07:38 Get behind the wheel and you are driving down the freeway
07:40 and what are you checking?
07:41 My speed first of all. - how about any crazy drivers?
07:46 Yeah I'm looking around me sure.
07:47 So you are checking for people around you.
07:49 But there are certain things that you cannot check and
07:52 those are blind spots in the side windows.
07:56 I can look in those mirrors but there are blind spots
07:59 that if I'm not really aware I have to know that they
08:02 are there and I really want to work around them that
08:05 I can pull over into another lane and push somebody right
08:08 into a ditch not realizing they were in my blind spot.
08:12 So the fourth step of this moral inventory we are looking
08:15 at things that have been in our blind spots and so a lot
08:19 of times we are asking people to come alongside of us,
08:22 not that I have to confess to you and not that
08:27 there's something magical and that but I want to work on
08:29 stuff I know about myself and as they share that with
08:32 you, you may say to me you know Cheri there are some areas
08:36 I noticed that come up and those are my blind spots.
08:39 So you pull France along how an evil people along that you
08:43 trust and a lot of people that is why they joined groups
08:46 to get an accountability partner and all the other things.
08:49 Blind spots are we going to take us down
08:52 that makes this season really exciting and the one
08:54 really can't wait to be a part of one because
08:58 self-deception is the easiest, self inventory
09:01 that's the absolute hardest.
09:03 When you say I lost it because he or she pushes my buttons,
09:07 you are also saying you sowed that button
09:09 you have buttons to be pushed.
09:10 And when you are in hot water you know what I mean.
09:15 Look at the color of this one now,
09:17 do you know what I mean?
09:18 It is that it comes out, it comes out.
09:21 So this is going to be an exciting season.
09:23 What's really interesting is you go back to the Bible
09:26 and the Bible says the first time I read the heart is
09:29 deceitful above all things.
09:30 You know I've been rejected kid and I'm stupider than
09:34 the husband and he has this arrogance and his family
09:37 says you're better than everyone else in my family
09:40 says you're worth nothing so did we push each other's buttons
09:43 Absolutely if you know what I mean.
09:46 Well I'm at him saying you think you're better
09:50 than me at all that stuff, even if I never said it out
09:52 loud and nailed him every time he forgot to take the
09:55 trash out. Because that is where the passive aggressive
09:58 stuff comes from its not realizing the button he pushed
10:01 in me with his arrogance, and he didn't even know that
10:05 that was one of his hidden stuff.
10:07 So what you start to the personal inventory, and make
10:10 it fearless, really ask people around you.
10:13 Have you ever been with somebody who said I just don't think
10:17 I have a lot of things wrong with me.
10:20 Yeah and if they don't say it their attitude and it
10:22 shows that, I'm pretty good.
10:26 Yeah ask your kids.
10:27 Ask the people that know you the most, love you the most.
10:32 What this says is that I wanted to be fearless I want to
10:36 look at everything because I've done getting tripped up.
10:41 I'm done being manipulated, I'm just done without so if
10:45 I am truly down with that get a piece of paper out and
10:49 start writing down some things.
10:51 When you write that down then hook up with somebody
10:54 whether it is a group or it is an individual that you
10:57 trust, a church group or whatever and start looking
11:01 at how do I now gain insight and break denial and
11:05 surrender this to God?
11:07 I know that you were hoping that during the course of
11:09 the season your viewers are doing that kind of thing.
11:12 They may not have some of this really obvious sort of
11:15 in-your-face kind of stuff that we are going to be
11:17 talking about, but they get out a piece of paper,
11:20 and if they are honest with ourselves we are talking
11:22 about searching and honestly, you have to have both.
11:24 If you're going to be surface and blow it off and
11:27 you are not doing yourself any good.
11:28 Do you want to dig deep, scrape beneath the
11:31 surface and then you want to be honest with the stuff
11:33 you see down there.
11:34 They just stop for a minute because he will tell you in
11:37 when people have some really bad rejection issues
11:41 a because of neglect or whatever in their life they
11:46 don't even know what they are good at.
11:49 So do a fearless inventory and a lot of times you
11:54 also find out what you're good at so it's not just the
11:56 bad stuff it's do I have any talents, do I have any
12:00 gifts and with somebody that is damaged we can't even
12:03 say them out loud because for one what
12:06 we think is that right?
12:07 Can I say that out loud? Can I recognize the fact that maybe
12:11 I am a good communicator?
12:12 Maybe I do have a big heart and let the people around
12:16 me but we can say that because we think it
12:18 is conceited to say that.
12:19 So during this inventory there's both sides of it, the things
12:22 I've trash and the things I have done well.
12:24 Oh, something just popped in my mind.
12:25 There is a text in Corinthians that talks about those
12:28 who compare themselves by themselves, judge themselves,
12:31 are not wise.
12:32 So I know you are not saying don't compare yourself,
12:35 judge yourself by yourself, Judge yourself by Christ.
12:38 Look at you and not CA as opposed to Cheri, CA as opposed
12:41 to Jesus, CA, not someone else because if I look
12:45 at you I'm always going to find some reason to feel good
12:47 and I'll fake it, but if I look at myself
12:50 particularly in the light of Christ love I will see
12:52 myself as I really am.
12:53 And I will be free, because what God says is that
12:55 I want to set you free.
12:57 There is the goals of this whole thing that you can
13:01 finally stand up and take the grave clothes off.
13:05 What has kept you in bondage take it off and live your
13:09 life and God says I want that for you so badly and
13:13 you don't even know how many things have
13:15 really trashed yourself with.
13:17 I'm going to show you some of the guests we've had on
13:20 and they have been amazing.
13:22 So were going to do a roll in and his first role is
13:26 a family that when I first met them, Lynn was dying and
13:31 she was very sick and had a horrible addiction and
13:35 they were trying to get her into recovery to get
13:39 free of those addictions.
13:41 She had a young daughter I think 12, all 11, 12 years old
13:47 that was amazing Haley and her sister was there
13:49 and so we meet.
13:51 We start working together and found a place that would
13:54 accept her but during the entire time we were working
13:56 on this they are showing her some different things about
13:59 celebrating life and recovering which brought
14:01 her back to Christ.
14:02 The night that she came back to Christ everybody was
14:07 celebrating, it was incredible.
14:09 She died 20 hours later. So to me we were a part of her
14:14 journey and unfortunately by the time she gets there
14:18 she dies and so another reason I wanted to bring them on
14:22 is that we can die in our addictions and we can die saved
14:25 and we can die loved, but that is not God's intention
14:29 for us is to die.
14:30 Haley is on this program is just as child I have fallen
14:34 in love with her, I want to adopt this kid
14:37 she is so amazing.
14:38 Also Marcia in a whole different situation with her.
14:43 Rebellious all through her life, I'm so not going to marry at
14:50 Pastor and be a pastors wife and God did exactly that
14:53 and she rebelled the whole time, her coming out of
14:56 rebellion the whole time and she look good.
14:59 Everything that she had to do but nothing that she wanted
15:02 to do, so her coming out of rebellion was huge.
15:05 And Felicia, a good friend of mine that son was shot in
15:10 the head and killed, in gangs and all that kind of stuff.
15:14 It was her life up until that point at which he gave to
15:18 her children and the results of that.
15:20 Then her surviving that, go ahead and watch this roll in
15:25 and think about these are people that are doing the four
15:29 step, somewhat tragic situations they are coming out.
15:33 God is still saying stand up I love you and
15:36 I will give you a life.
15:40 What's the hardest thing for you with your mom?
15:42 Going through life without her, without her there it's
15:49 like I don't have family anymore
15:53 because dad is not here anymore. - right.
15:57 Did you stepfather leave about the same time?
16:01 He was cheating on my mom when she was in the hospital
16:04 with this other girl, it wasn't all his fault.
16:08 I took pretty much controlled my sister and
16:11 after my dad had moved out and was gone everything
16:17 just started falling apart.
16:18 And I said to the Pastor you know my husband doesn't
16:23 appear to have a lot of time left would you come?
16:27 The Pastor said well you know I'm in a school board
16:31 meeting but I will wrap it up and get their just
16:35 as soon as I can.
16:36 As I was sitting waiting for him I was watching the
16:39 elevator and when the elevator door opened his wife
16:43 came out of the elevator.
16:46 I said what are you doing here?
16:48 She said my husband called me and stated that he was
16:53 needed but he has been delayed and so I came and she
16:57 touched my hand and said Marcia it's going to be all
17:00 right. Then she hugged my mother-in-law who was waiting
17:04 in the hallway, and then she moved very cautiously into my
17:08 husband's room and she stood and prayed with him until
17:12 her husband arrived, the Pastor.
17:15 It was that day that I realized the effectiveness of the
17:20 Pastor wife, efficacy and what could have been for me
17:25 the satisfaction that I could have brought to families,
17:30 to other families all those years and I didn't and
17:34 that truly touched my heart.
17:36 He had got shot in 2000, I got a call in 2000 that
17:39 he was shot and it was New Year's.
17:41 And I was Stockton visiting and then the thought
17:45 come to me oh no not like this.
17:48 I got back there and it was a wake-up call for him,
17:51 it should have been but actually it was
17:53 a wake-up call for me.
17:54 During a party, how did he get shot?
17:59 I was up on the street, there is a strip in Oakland
18:03 where a lot of the guys hang out and sell drugs,
18:06 they party, there's women up there and
18:09 he loved that strip.
18:11 He was like the man up there, they loved him.
18:13 He got shot, they shot him in the back and as a result
18:18 of that shot they had to cut off part of his intestines
18:22 and they stitched him up and he was good, he survived
18:26 that. Then he realized that somebody was trying to kill
18:31 him, the devil was trying to kill you boy but
18:36 you do not have to die you can change it doesn't have to
18:38 be like this.
18:40 Welcome back, I absolutely love these folks.
18:45 And when Felicia was talking that God showed her when her
18:50 son was really young, I don't know three maybe four years
18:53 old and was playing, she felt like the Holy Spirit said
18:57 you're going to bury this one.
18:58 She said my whole life I've protected him and then when
19:02 all of a sudden they are telling me they are going to
19:05 take life support off of him because he just got shot in
19:08 the head I remembered that time.
19:10 All these years she felt like God left her know that this
19:14 was what was going to happen with this kid.
19:16 So the fact that she share that with us, and not only
19:19 share that with us but were talking about doing a moral
19:23 inventory is that she had been in her addictions,
19:26 she had been running, the kids had seen all I kind of
19:29 stuff as they were growing up and now she was watching
19:32 the next-generation pull in all of that stuff and now
19:34 with all that tragedy behind her God is saying
19:38 don't be afraid.
19:39 Look at what you still have and start
19:42 unloading that stuff.
19:44 We are not unloading, not looking at these moral
19:46 inventories in a vacuum, we are looking at them through
19:50 the tragedies of our lives and yet God is saying if you
19:54 trust Me I will hold you up.
19:56 This is not going to kill you.
19:57 I know it is going to hurt, some of us are so afraid to
20:01 feel because we have been running from that our whole
20:05 lives, we are so afraid of that so don't be afraid to
20:08 feel. Your pain is not going to kill you, your memories
20:11 are not going to kill you, but what is on the other side
20:14 of that is your life.
20:16 I think our people should Cheri would like be tourists in
20:19 their own life, so when it gets really tough I'm packing
20:22 my bags and going home, I'm not staying for
20:25 this kind of thing.
20:26 But whether you see death coming a long way off as she did
20:29 or whether that sneaks in all of a sudden it doesn't make
20:32 it easier to cope with even when I use the term you are
20:36 whole and sane there are addictive stuff in your life and
20:39 you are ill equipped and it's when you need the Lord.
20:41 To share that with us is very powerful.
20:44 It was very power full and you know we look at this family
20:47 that the little girl, and she's so tiny.
20:51 Haley is like in the seventh grade and just as tiny thing.
20:55 When she looked at, one point during the interview she
20:58 looked at me and I said what is it that you would like
21:01 your life. She said I would like my mom back.
21:05 I would like my mom to see my graduation and would like
21:08 all that, but because her mom's addiction she is never
21:10 going to see that.
21:12 So now her mom is dead and with Haley she is now going
21:16 into high school and having to look at her fearless
21:22 inventory, her sadness, her rejection, her genetic
21:27 history of addiction.
21:28 To me I love the fact that we are walking along side
21:31 of her, because I would love to do that now in the
21:35 eighth grade instead of when she is 80.
21:36 Because we have to do it sometime.
21:38 It's funny how addiction presupposes addiction and
21:42 the next-generation presupposes addiction and you get
21:47 individuals who are angry and upset and have no place
21:51 to focus it so you turn it on yourself.
21:54 You're destroyed because of it.
21:55 Your mother is gone, you can't focus it there so it
21:58 becomes self-destructive.
22:00 Exactly you become your own perpetrator. - precisely.
22:03 It's huge, and what is really interesting is sometimes
22:07 we wonder why I am so angry at someone else.
22:09 I'm angry because their life looks normal.
22:12 Who are you to have this? How fair is this?
22:14 We can you have fun while I'm suffering?
22:16 Somebody came up to me and were doing this counseling
22:19 and there was this really neat kid 17, she said you know
22:22 our family is perfect except for my brother has ADD
22:25 and I'm thinking that's it?
22:27 I don't want to be discounting but is that it, are you
22:30 kidding me? I wanted to kick her in the shins.
22:33 My first reaction was a part of me just says that
22:36 life is not fair.
22:38 During this fearless searching moral inventory looking
22:41 at that part of you, we are looking at everything.
22:46 We are looking at the sexual stuff, the drug stuff,
22:49 the sadness's, we are looking at everything with this.
22:54 To me what is amazing that is when you start doing that
22:58 you can learn to feel and it doesn't kill you.
23:02 I started what was really, really interesting to me,
23:07 I'm looking at my anger of my mom and different things
23:11 and I start to deal with that and start to look at my
23:16 mom's life and her point of view.
23:18 My mom was a kid when she was having kids and she was
23:22 married to an abuser and so she disappeared into herself.
23:25 He disappeared into her anger and she had to take it out
23:29 on a child, but when I started to do my own inventory
23:33 and forgiving her and asking God to release me from the
23:37 bitterness that I've carried all of these years.
23:39 To free from that and anything that Satan has tied onto
23:42 that I'm asking you for strongholds be broken down and
23:46 through anything that is an ripple effect from that
23:49 I want to see it all so I can surrender it to You.
23:52 And now I am free to look at my mom and for the first
23:55 time in my life I looked at her and really
23:58 felt some compassion.
23:59 I'm sorry for what you went through and so I was sitting
24:02 at her house the other day, you are going to die with
24:04 this, I'm sitting at her house during Christmas and
24:07 she invited me to Christmas for the first time in a long
24:11 time and I was shocked.
24:12 She is never done that so I am sitting at her house and
24:15 she said something, she was putting me down about
24:18 my religion and she does that a lot.
24:20 I said mom do you have faith in anything?
24:23 She looked at me really rebellious and defiant
24:27 and said no.
24:28 I felt such a deep sadness and then she felt that for
24:31 a moment and there was kind of silence and she said
24:34 let's see if you are on TV right now. I said what?
24:39 And she took the remote and she turned on 3ABN and
24:43 I'm like shut up, but there is no way
24:46 my mom is watching 3ABN.
24:49 Everything in me wanted to celebrate, I wanted to say
24:52 God how do you do that? How do You reach into our lives
24:55 but He does that when someone blinks.
24:57 You talk about generational stuff that happens, somebody
25:01 blinks and decide through their courage to take the courage
25:05 to do a fearless inventory, I'm going to fight
25:11 for my family I'm going to fight for the generations that
25:13 follow me I'm going to fight for those of us that are
25:16 still alive but somebody still has to do it and it is
25:19 not easy but it is so worth it.
25:21 I was stunned, my mom turns it on and she knew at that
25:26 moment to turn it on because we were on.
25:28 She knew all that and I was totally set up in such a
25:32 good way, so if you can pray for my mom.
25:36 Pray for the fact that we are all doing this together.
25:41 Some of us are at different stages but at this stage we
25:46 are talking about this season is the fearless inventory.
25:50 Look at your stuff, not the obvious things you have
25:54 dealt with not just step one is where you said I am
25:57 powerless against it, but the things that are hidden,
26:00 The blind spots that you have get rid of those and then
26:03 you are free to love the people around to and you are
26:05 free to live your life. It's amazing we're taking a break
26:08 and we will be right back so stay with us.