Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Raven White
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00080B
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00:13 Welcome back, you know on the last segment I was talking
00:16 about the maintenance stuff and what to do with exercise, 00:18 eating, and sleeping and all that stuff. 00:21 I want to say that one of the things, to that I realize, 00:24 is that I needed to find out what God says as far 00:29 as in my recovery. 00:30 I have a couple Bibles and a want you to grab what ever 00:33 one works for you. 00:34 I got one that's called the Recovery Bible, and all the 00:36 way through the Bible it actually talks about recovery. 00:39 It talks about anger, it talks about lying, it talks 00:41 about all the good stuff that we are stuck with. 00:43 It talks about all that and this one right here that 00:45 I just got gifted from a friend who is actually in the 00:49 café right now, it's a study Bible. 00:52 So this one has a chain reference throughout the Bible. 00:55 So if I want to look at faith, or fear, or something like 00:59 that, it will take me from one place to the next place 01:03 to the next place, where the Bible talks about that. 01:05 So I'll get a really good sense of what God wants to say 01:08 to me on that issue. 01:10 Some people stay away from that, but if my best thinking 01:14 got me into this mess, I'm going to need someone outside 01:18 of myself to get me out of it. 01:20 A lot of the 12 step groups talk about needing a higher 01:23 power, I found out my higher power is God, is Jesus 01:26 Christ, is the Holy Spirit and so the only way I'm going 01:28 to find out what He wants for my life is to actually 01:31 to get in the word. 01:33 What is really fun is the book that we are offering this 01:37 season is by Shelley Quinn, it's called, 01:39 'Pressing Into His Presence. ' 01:41 It teaches you how to pray and she sets aside now and 01:45 hour every day which is prayer time with God. 01:48 That sounds like a lot, but most guys I know spend 01:52 three hours watching football so you have to 01:54 put it in perspective. 01:56 An hour a day gets you so grounded in your recovery that 02:01 you will be surprised at just how blessed you feel, how 02:04 healthy you feel and the other things come easier. 02:06 So grab a Bible, if you don't have one call here and get 02:10 one, go to a bookstore, or ask friend. 02:15 Get a good Bible that you like and teach yourself how to 02:20 pray and let the Holy Spirit teach you actually. 02:22 I'm going to introduce you to Raven, Raven I have to say 02:26 when I first met you at Wildwood I was blessed. 02:28 I'm even more blessed that you are on the program. 02:30 Thank you, thank you! 02:32 When we first met, I remember just being down the hall 02:35 and around the corner, and I heard someone just talking, 02:39 laughing and telling a story. 02:41 I thought who is that? Because you sounded so much 02:44 like me I think, just kind of loud and funny. 02:47 I realized that we had met before too. 02:51 It was in DC at the 10 Commandments with 3ABN and I was 02:58 walking with a friend and you saw me. 03:00 It was such a blessing, you started talking to me as if 03:04 the Lord told you to say something to me. 03:07 You offered me your book about your testimony, 03:10 which I actually used and gave to other young girls 03:13 that loved your book. 03:14 So yeah, we met then. 03:17 What was really fun is that I love when God does that, 03:20 just says you know what, you guys need to minister to 03:23 each other and I think the thing that got me at that 03:29 point was telling you that God is God. 03:32 He has a plan for our life and that kind of stuff. 03:35 But you have an incredible story and so I want you 03:38 to share where you came from. 03:40 Then if we can jump in on talking about how you maintain 03:45 that about health, because this whole program right now 03:48 is just about health. 03:50 But you came from pretty intense places. 03:54 Well I was born and raised in Washington, DC. 03:57 Ironically, I think for God's protection for me, I can't 04:02 remember much, I remember bits and pieces. 04:05 I know that I have 10 brothers in all, but I only 04:08 interacted with a few of them. 04:10 - why, where they different places? 04:13 Well I was the youngest, I was the baby so many 04:15 of my brothers were gone from the home because 04:18 they were much older. 04:19 The youngest one, which was closest to me at only five 04:21 years, I'm used to him being around. 04:23 I knew there was a gentleman coming here and there at 04:27 the time I did not know it was my father. 04:28 It is weird because one moment of my life I remember 04:32 being in a movie theater with him, with another woman, 04:36 and I was, can I call you mommy? 04:38 Just because I wanted to do that family thing, 04:42 and my brother started laughing, and my father said, 04:44 don't you dare say that, you only have one mother. 04:46 But to push forward in the future when I was having 04:50 issues with the learning, they said oh yeah your 04:53 child probably have been a problem because, 04:55 it's probably the divorce and I was thinking 04:57 what divorce, my mother doesn't have a man. 04:59 It's just me, my mother, and my brother. 05:02 I didn't even think sometimes about my older brothers 05:05 until one day I said, mommy, my brother is white. 05:08 She said no baby, he's the light skinned and I said, 05:11 no, no, no, he is white. 05:12 It sounds like, at that point, as a little girl you 05:14 were just starting to look up and say nothing 05:16 is making sense to me. 05:18 It seems like was trying to put the pieces together, 05:20 because in my brain nothing was coming together 05:23 in a chronological order, but my upbringing was 05:27 very disturbing, it was. 05:31 I was abused early and I was picked on constantly. 05:37 It seemed like I was just the underdog. 05:39 For the majority of my life, after being raped, and the 05:45 difficulty that I found the most is that no one seemed 05:49 to notice that something was wrong with me. 05:53 - wow, nobody was paying attention. 05:54 It was difficult, I know my family, my mom, 05:57 dad was raised, I guess on his own, he left the house at 16. 06:02 He met a group of men who taught him that he should have 06:05 many wives, and so when he married my mom he already 06:09 had other wives and that was the difficulty. 06:12 My mom was raised with the mindset that a man ever wants 06:16 you he'll leave you for a light skinned woman because 06:19 you are just too dark. 06:20 So my father left her for a light skinned woman and it 06:23 made such a difficulty. 06:25 So now she is a single woman taking care of, at the time 06:29 then I knew of, a few of my brothers because the others 06:32 were gone because they were from other women. 06:34 She couldn't be there to notice all that was going on. 06:37 So my brothers and I was going through various different 06:41 things in life, and myself, men would come around and I 06:45 did know how to handle that. 06:47 She never personally brought men into the home, 06:49 but I was a kid that had difficulties growing up with 06:54 my environment, I was still an outgoing kid. 06:57 I wanted anyone and everyone to feel loved, 06:59 it's a problem, it's a problem. 07:02 It's a problem because you attract people that are 07:04 abusive, and they will take advantage of a child like 07:07 that, especially one that is needy. 07:09 One that doesn't have a father to fill that void up. 07:12 The damage is really intense really early. 07:15 As I was growing up my brothers, they were very 07:19 protective but in the environment we lived in, 07:22 there was many murders, people wouldn't fight. 07:25 - they seem to have the highest murder 07:26 rate in the nation. 07:27 People wouldn't fight, they killed and I couldn't handle 07:31 at a young age, I could not handle finding out one of 07:35 my brothers was going to die because of me. 07:37 I wasn't worth it, where did they get the idea? 07:40 I don't know, I just wasn't worth that, so they didn't 07:43 know, my mom did know, no one knew. 07:45 Because your fear was that if I tell them I got raped, 07:47 they are going to go and kill somebody, or be killed. 07:50 They are going to want to protect me. 07:52 Also I could not read, what I learned now is that when 07:57 you are damaged at a certain age it is making everything 08:00 else difficult for you. 08:02 So for me, I could not read, if you told me to pronounce 08:04 out a certain word, difficult, even to this day. 08:08 It took up to the age of 20 for me to learn how to read. 08:12 The King James version was actually taught me. 08:15 When you said you learned to read through the King James, 08:18 because I love the poetic thing of the King James, but it 08:22 is harder for me to read that. 08:23 I learned to read at 23, so that was late, but King James 08:27 I would just say forget it, I would have to get something 08:29 simpler, and now I love the poetry of it. 08:32 But you learned from the King James. 08:34 You see what happened was when I was 14, this gentleman 08:36 raped me at 14, then by the time I was 17, a guy called 08:41 me up before and told me that he personally tried 08:43 to get me pregnant. 08:45 I was like man, this is horrible. 08:47 My mother tried to teach me Jesus, but it was like hey, 08:51 her and I didn't have the best relationship. 08:52 I did know how to relate to her because I assumed she 08:55 should have picked up something was wrong with me. 08:57 - she should have protected me! 08:59 She didn't know, so at the time I didn't know that. 09:01 It's hard, because it sounds like what you were feeling 09:04 is that I wasn't being protected by mom or anybody. 09:07 My mother and I, because we didn't communicate, there 09:10 are things I didn't understand even just about life. 09:13 Male and female interactions, how I was supposed to act 09:16 with men, or anything. 09:17 One day I was in my biology class, this is something 09:21 I didn't learn at home, when my teacher started to talk 09:24 about male and female interactions and how children 09:27 came about, I was thinking man, this is not possible because 09:31 at 14, I should have been pregnant. 09:34 But what you are saying is I should have been pregnant, 09:38 but I'm thinking, why wasn't I pregnant? 09:40 That's impossible, something happened and it made me 09:44 start to think about something must be greater than me. 09:48 If the human body does one thing, and my body did some 09:51 thing different, then there must be something greater than me. 09:56 That put me on a search, I started questioning my hands. 10:00 I start to question why the sky is hanging up there? 10:02 Where did rain come from? 10:04 You could tell me all the chemical and blah, blah, blah. 10:06 Yeah, but where did it come from? 10:08 I needed to know, so I went on search of all world 10:11 religions, difficulty was I couldn't read. 10:14 So that was my problem I had, I had this desire to try 10:19 and understand these words of different books and 10:21 religions, what is higher than me? 10:23 Where did I come from? How was I even created? 10:26 It has to be more than I know so far. 10:29 Something and I ran away from the Christian God because 10:32 my mother was a Christian, 10:34 and remember I didn't like her. 10:36 So I didn't want to know anything about her God. 10:37 So I studied Hindu, Buddhism, trying to talk to 10:42 other people and with their great comprehension 10:44 I could read but not much, if the words got too big, 10:47 it was too much for me. 10:49 I did settle back because there were some good people 10:53 who were Christians, and I settled back and said I will 10:56 try to learn about the Christian God. 10:59 I did a King James version, a living version and I am 11:02 studying back-and-forth trying to understand the words 11:05 and for some reason within one year my brain started 11:09 to attach to words. 11:11 I had an issue with my mom, I said I need to leave 11:15 the home, this is by 17 that I said I need to find 11:18 where is this God. 11:20 By 18 I said I need to leave home, I can't handle this. 11:24 Her and I did not have the best relationship and again 11:26 she does not know why. 11:27 I had a gentleman in my church, my mother forced us to 11:32 go to different churches, all kinds of churches. 11:35 She stopped off at a Seventh- day Adventist church when 11:38 I was 14, and I was thinking you are all apostates. 11:42 My hatred for Adventist was horrible, horrible. 11:47 - wait, I am Adventist, but that was like your mom's 11:51 issue and it was still with all that stuff. 11:53 Right, right in the thing again is a misunderstanding 11:56 so because my mom liked it, I didn't like it. 11:58 Nothing else, but I still was on a search. 12:02 So I started to search out God from the Bible. 12:06 I could understand, I started understanding and I was 12:09 praising the Lord that He was showing me Him. 12:13 In the word of God I began to read more. 12:16 So the gentleman at church said Raven, why don't you go 12:20 to this particular college? 12:22 I was thinking, sure as long as it gets me 12:25 out of the house. 12:27 But you know, I know there was a period of time where you 12:31 acted out, is that not happening yet? 12:33 I'm more acting out not in anger, that did not hit until 12:38 college, I acted out more with being with many gentleman. 12:43 I needed to be with men, I had to have at least five minimum, 12:47 just in case I can handle silence, I couldn't handle it 12:51 at all, I had a TV in every room. 12:53 It was the thing to have and it was always on. 12:56 What I have to say too, is a lot of people, and I don't 12:59 know if you see that even now in the Ministry that you 13:01 do, but a lot of people without fathers will search for 13:04 that male connection. 13:07 We are never going to find it in intimate relationships 13:11 because we need a father, but we don't know that. 13:14 Yes, and because of the court situation between my mom 13:18 and my dad, he would have to come back into the picture 13:20 at times, which would anger me sometimes and then other 13:24 times it was, I just wanted to be daddies little girl. 13:26 I just want to be daddies little girl, but because he 13:29 didn't know how to connect like that with me, I would go off 13:31 and be with whoever I could, whether it was real or fake 13:36 they could tell me I don't like you and I don't remember 13:38 your name, it didn't matter. 13:40 At least I could lie to myself for the moment so I wouldn't 13:43 be alone, I hated to be alone. 13:47 For me the transition in high school, which was being with 13:52 many men, then by 17 getting this epiphany, there is 13:57 a God, ironically I was with one guy, I tried, I tried 14:02 my hardest to be with one guy. 14:03 He went off to the Marines, he said Raven, I'll get you out 14:08 of the projects and I will take care of you and 14:11 I will marry you. 14:12 That was the only relationship, a one-year relationship 14:14 and he asked me to marry him. 14:16 Now I'm getting into knowing God, and I am on the phone 14:19 with him and I said, I need to get to know God. 14:22 I said that with confidence and then I had a strict depth 14:28 of fear, because people always said I was so stupid. 14:31 Raven you are just dumb, you can't say anything, 14:33 you don't speak properly, and what do I say to make up 14:37 for me for saying something stupid. 14:40 He said I'm not ready for God. 14:41 I was like you know what dude, I would be a slave 14:46 unto men, because I didn't want to be alone, but for some 14:49 reason this time, it was like you have to go. 14:52 I know you didn't just say, and mind you at this time 14:56 I didn't even understand the depths of what I was doing. 14:58 You know God just gave you this boldness, I'm sorry this 15:01 isn't my direction, I may not understand it yet, 15:04 but this is my direction. 15:06 Exactly, after that of course I started to pick Christian 15:09 men, who at least said they were Christians but we were 15:12 doing the same thing. 15:13 Try to understand, I'm having sex, I'm not trying to stop 15:16 going to movies, he understood Christianity and I didn't. 15:20 I was sitting there thinking, you're just saying you 15:23 don't believe in God, that was how my mindset was. 15:25 I didn't understand an 18-year-old boy saying I don't 15:27 want to stop having sex, my mind says you don't believe 15:30 in God that I just started to believe in. 15:33 Oh no, you have to go and that pretty much became my 15:37 interacting with men, to try to hold onto men and find 15:41 God, because my prayer after that became Jesus if You are 15:45 a real God, can you get me a man? 15:47 - can you settle this for me? Somebody that's real 15:51 that is going to take care of me. 15:53 - give me a good man that I can get lost in, I don't 15:55 want to be at verbatim words, I don't want to be myself, 15:58 I want to be what ever He wants me to be. 16:00 Just find me a good Christian man that I can get lost in. 16:02 That was my prayer from 17 on to 20. 16:06 - because you know for a lot of people that we don't 16:08 realize we don't know who our self is. 16:09 I don't know what it means to be myself. 16:11 So don't ask me to do that. 16:13 I've vowed that I wouldn't have children, I refuse to 16:17 have any children in this kind of family, in this kind of 16:20 neighborhood, and I refuse to have anything more of me. 16:24 - talk about the projects, because when you said getting 16:27 out of the projects, what was that like? 16:30 A lot people don't understand that. 16:31 Well the projects is pretty much a city area of darkness. 16:35 It just seemed dark, everybody's pregnant, they have 16:38 drive-by shootings, there's always someone outside, there 16:41 are always people were just there smoking and loud 16:45 and just noisy, that was my impression at the time. 16:50 It was dismal, and everything was pitiful and you are 16:54 never going to make it beyond this. 16:56 If you can get out of this, great, but if you can't, 16:59 let's just deal with it. 17:01 Just at 16 someone walked up to me on the street and 17:03 said, so you're not pregnant yet? 17:06 You don't have any children, because they said happy 17:07 Mother's Day to me, and I said I'm not a mother. 17:10 He was like, how old are you? I said 16. 17:13 He said you're getting old - I'm getting old? 17:17 I haven't even finished high school yet, 17:19 but that was a common thing. 17:21 Even today you have day cares in our high schools because 17:24 it is just a common thing. 17:26 You know when you said that, the last time I went to an 17:30 area, when I went to the projects it was too do Ministry 17:32 At a high school with day care. 17:34 Everybody had children, some were 16 and had three kids 17:39 already and still trying to finish their high school. 17:41 So when you say, that I am trying to figure out life 17:45 and this is where my reality is. 17:48 I don't think we have an idea of what that means, 17:52 and what God has to reach into and just say, 17:54 baby girl, that wasn't it. 17:58 Oh, the next thing I had a problem with, is being gay. 18:01 It was like, I was so confused because I had all these 18:04 brothers, so I'm walking around thinking I'm a guy, 18:07 although I am attracted to men. 18:09 I am still being called a guy. 18:14 Let me just say to you, I have to say when I work with 18:18 people that are dealing with sexual identity issues, 18:21 is that that we have been raped, molested, 18:25 and you have all that craziness, so for you to explore 18:29 well maybe I don't even belong here, is an escape 18:33 we do not understand fully. 18:35 You have this reality that is so skewed, you are walking 18:39 around now being told that you are gay. 18:43 You don't have any babies, - I virtually was told I was 18:47 gay, aren't you gay, don't you have a man yet? 18:50 That made me search, if I don't have a guy something is 18:52 wrong with me, but it also made me think, maybe I am gay. 18:56 So I started to interact with women on that level, 18:59 but the closer I got to God, it seemed wrong. 19:04 I didn't understand it, so I said you know what? 19:07 I'm going to let go, I don't like the feeling of it. 19:09 I tried to smoke numeral times, because I saw my brother 19:12 smoking, so I tried to smoke. 19:14 I hate immediate pain, I despise immediate pain. 19:18 - so it is going to cause me to cough like crazy. 19:21 - that's what I did the first time, an immediate pain. 19:24 It has to go, I tried to drink many of times. 19:27 My dad gave me something to drink, my older brothers gave 19:30 you something to drink, threw up every single time. 19:32 Immediately and for hours, don't like immediate pain. 19:37 Then of course when it came to the feeling, 19:39 again going back to the homosexuality, the feeling 19:42 I got was uncomfortable. 19:44 Now before it made me feel dominant, I can be better 19:48 than, I could take care of you better than your man. 19:51 The closer I got to God it was uncomfortable and I hated 19:54 that feeling, along with other feelings I already had. 19:57 I'm worthless, I'm pointless, so many times I tried to 20:01 kill myself, well I won't mention that part. 20:04 So many times that try to kill myself, so many times 20:08 you look at TV and it gives you great ideas and so 20:12 hey, I tried every idea. 20:14 I walk down the middle of the road, I would take pills, 20:16 I would do the cutting, I did whatever it took and 20:19 I would just try it. 20:21 When I hear your story my heart breaks because I think 20:25 that God is not afraid of all the stuff that our pain 20:28 leads us to, a lot of people are making judgments 20:31 about your walk, but God is saying, don't blow that 20:37 candle out, don't distinguish that flame, because she 20:40 will get it, she will get it, and she will be okay. 20:43 We don't even know, we don't know how wounded we are. 20:47 I wish our wounds would show on the outside. 20:49 That might be frightening to walk into the mall but if it 20:53 did, I wish our wounds would show on the outside, because 20:55 when I see a lot of people acting out in all different 20:58 ways, I know that underneath all that their heart is 21:01 closed up and they don't know who they are. 21:04 They do not know how much they are loved, so it sounds 21:07 like you jumped in, in every single place just saying do 21:10 I fit here, do I fit here, do I fit here? 21:13 For me the closer I got to God, you would think I would 21:19 want to stop trying to commit suicide. 21:21 Oh no, I went to a different level. 21:23 I started claiming Scriptures for me to have to die. 21:27 - oh no, ouch! 21:29 You know it is better to die than to gain so I would pray 21:33 come on God, - let's do it! 21:35 It's better to die, so see I've been good today, 21:37 I've been good today, so when I go to sleep tonight, 21:39 take me out, just do it. 21:41 It was horrible, it was horrible because I would pray 21:44 prayers like this is the night, this is the night for 21:46 me to die, you're wasting a lot of time. 21:49 I don't want to live, I would beg, I'm not loved, 21:53 no matter what anyone says to me. 21:56 Raven you're so talented, it didn't matter. 21:58 Raven you're so beautiful, - I want to be loved. 22:00 I didn't get it, so for me it was a difficult journey, 22:05 from 17, it got worse after 17 because all the truth 22:10 I was learning was having a war with what I was always 22:14 used to, and it was a difficulty. 22:17 I can relate to that because when I first started looking 22:19 at the Scriptures, everywhere it said love it confused me 22:24 because I didn't have that, I don't have that. 22:27 So it sounds like you are feeling that same thing. 22:30 For me also, if someone said, oh Raven, Jesus loves you. 22:35 Now mind you, I'm beginning to believe in Jesus, but that 22:38 would stir a rage in me because then my brain would say, 22:42 where was Jesus when this man was touching me? 22:44 Where was Jesus, where was Jesus? 22:46 It would just enraged me and I would have such anger 22:50 with God, but I didn't stop believing in God because 22:53 my mind was already set. 22:54 There is a God and now I'm going to argue with You. 22:57 - so what's funny is when you say, not funny but 23:00 strange, is when you say you read the Scripture, every 23:03 place where it gave you in your mind permission to take 23:06 yourself out, it really wasn't even what the Scripture 23:08 said because Scripture said, to live as Christ lives. 23:11 But having to get there, how to get to that point where 23:15 you gave up suicidal stuff? 23:17 Where you allowed God to heal you in that way? 23:19 I kept praying, that is one thing I will admit, 23:22 God kept pushing me, there is a Scripture in the Bible 23:25 that does say, I always been the person who knows it's 23:28 been there, exactly where, I would say where is it? 23:31 But it says I give you all I cry, Abba Father and 23:37 I believe He kept giving me this desire to pray to Him. 23:41 Whether it was give me a man, or want to die, I kept 23:44 praying to Him. - He was always there. 23:48 He was always there, so I kept begging, please tonight 23:50 can you let me die? 23:52 Please, I don't want to turn around 23:55 and hate You tomorrow. 23:56 The only thing I heard verbatim words, if you will live 24:01 for Me, if you don't like it I'll let you die. 24:06 - that is a huge surrender, isn't that a huge surrender? 24:11 It takes your breath away. 24:13 Okay, I'll try to live just for You without anything 24:16 about myself, I will try to live just for you. 24:19 Then my prayer stopped being, give me a man. 24:21 Now it was, help me love You, because I don't know what 24:24 that means, help me stop being angry with You. 24:27 Help me to understand my past. 24:29 Help me so You and I, now the whole purpose is God. 24:32 So now you have to forgive Him. 24:34 I was very angry with God, I thought it was all His fault. 24:36 Everything was His fault, because I always believed why 24:40 didn't You destroy everyone, the devil and everyone? 24:43 Why in my going through this, and that was a battle. 24:46 The more I read, I love the Old Testament, the more 24:52 I read the more I started to understand God is not trying 24:55 to lose anyone, not anyone. 24:58 He is trying to protect, when I was angry with Him about 25:01 when I got raped, how is it that You let this 25:04 guy do this to me? 25:06 He said, how is it that you don't want him to live? 25:09 I created him, he had a bad circumstance too. 25:12 I'm trying to create opportunities for you both to 25:16 know Me, but because of bad circumstances, 25:18 neither of you know Me. 25:20 That begin to help me understand God's placement. 25:22 What He is trying to do in my life. 25:24 What He is trying to orchestrate in having churches and 25:27 having Bible studies, and having His word. 25:29 It started to make sense. 25:31 He wants everybody in recovery, everyone to choose Him. 25:37 It is a difficulty because my mind set is, you're hurting me 25:40 I want you gone. 25:41 He is saying, live for Me, because if you live for Me 25:44 you will start realize that the person who is hurting you 25:46 needs help too, and that was hard for me. 25:49 As you get that though, did He take you to a place where 25:55 you actually can say, I forgive you? 25:58 Eventually - that's a hard place to go to. 26:02 Last year, it took last year because I would still, 26:08 I'm going on the age of 34 now, but I would still walk 26:12 out of church, walk out of the church angry, cursing, 26:15 literally verbatim curse words at him. 26:18 Someone did a program about their father and I was 26:21 sitting back there thinking, how could you not 26:23 have my father there? 26:24 How could you not, whoa all this stuff 26:27 you're bringing back up again. 26:28 There were times I said Lord what are you going to 26:30 get me some money? chirp, chirp, chirp. 26:32 When my going get a husband? Chirp, chirp, chirp. 26:34 I hate You just let me die today, I'm tired of You. 26:37 And I would just curse, curse, curse. 26:39 And then I hear, how is it that you can live like your 26:43 earthly father's daughter and get all these penalties, 26:46 but when you live like your Heavenly Father's daughter, 26:49 you don't get any and you want to question Me? 26:57 Because we do, I realized at times I may know the word 27:01 of God, but I choose to live my old ways. 27:03 I get comfortable when I feel God is leading me to do 27:07 better things with my life, I go back to my old ways. 27:10 I start to create worlds in my head, 27:12 I live in two worlds. 27:14 Wow, this is the first time I'm talking about this. 27:16 I live in two worlds, and when I get uncomfortable with 27:20 life, I go into the other world. 27:22 When I'm bored with life, I go into the other world. 27:25 When I'm stressed, I go into the other world. 27:27 In the other world I am the queen, I'm perfect, 27:30 nothing is wrong with me. 27:32 The problem is, only recently my world has started 27:35 changing on me, and now it is starting to abuse me. 27:37 Now I am begging God to get me out of here. 27:40 Get me out of here, I can't get out of my own head. 27:42 If I'm not in a paying attention talking to you, my brain 27:46 will go off into another place, 27:48 it's like God stop me, stop me. 27:50 I love you saying that Raven, the fact that a lot of us 27:54 in our recovery, because of the junk we have learned to 27:59 disassociate, or to go into that other place. 28:01 The other place is safe for a long time. 28:03 I think what God says to us is that if you trust that 28:07 other place too long, it turns on you eventually. 28:10 Then it robs you of living in the present, living in 28:14 your own life, and what you are saying to Him now, 28:15 is do not let me escape there anymore. 28:18 It is not working anymore, like any drug, any addiction, 28:21 anything that is dysfunctional it stops feeding that 28:26 need, God says the need is going to be fed when you 28:30 figure out who you are in Christ. 28:31 When you figure are who you are in recovery. 28:33 When you can stay present and laugh out loud in 28:36 your own skin, and that is so scary. 28:39 It is perfectly scary. 28:41 Even like you said, I look at you and think man you are 28:45 funny and beautiful and talented, and you are like, 28:48 none of that matters because I don't buy it. 28:50 God says that's what I have to teach you. 28:53 I have got to teach you that for whatever reason your 28:57 whole life you have believed all these lies, 28:58 or were shown all these lies. 29:00 Right now, I praise the Lord. 29:03 It is to the point that I walked into this year saying, 29:07 Jesus me and You, me and You. 29:09 And not only me and You, but I want to connect back to my 29:12 family, because I have distanced myself. 29:14 As much is the word of God speaks to me personally about 29:17 making connections and loving everyone. 29:19 Bringing people closer to Christ, my family was not what 29:24 I was trying to work with. 29:25 - isn't that funny? - it is. 29:26 I made my friends my family, so when they betray me, 29:30 I feel like death, I feel like I need to harm them. 29:34 But now, ever since I say you know what? 29:37 since November of last year, I'm going to start making 29:40 my family my friends, and my friends my family. 29:42 I'm going to make my family everything, and me and God 29:46 everything, and that started to change a lot. 29:49 Because there is that, when God says I want to bring 29:52 healing into your life, that healing into my life is 29:55 restoration of what ever the devil has tried to rob me 29:58 of, and that is my family. 29:59 For a lot of us we think, how can You fix that? 30:02 He's like because remember I'm God. I can do that. 30:06 I want to jump back into your past a little bit. 30:10 I know that at one point in your life you started to 30:14 gain weight and do that stuff and that is a huge part of 30:18 how God is healing you. 30:20 So talked a little bit about that, how did that get 30:24 started, and how extreme did that get, and what are you 30:26 doing with that issue? 30:29 Because that's all part of the hiding and protecting 30:30 yourself. - that's true! 30:32 Always felt like a mini Oprah, up down and up and down. 30:37 I would gain weight and lose weight, gain weight and 30:40 lose weight, but I went to grad school and I got to 220 30:46 pounds and I don't know how. 30:49 I would do the same exercises and I would eat the same 30:54 way, why this time I'm a vegetarian. 30:56 Still I would just gain, and gain and gain to a point 31:01 that now when I get up you hear cracking in my knees. 31:04 I lost all of fluid in my knees. 31:06 What I found out was that my whole habit, I was a 31:11 vegetarian that didn't eat any vegetables and didn't 31:14 eat any fruit, - that is funny, - never. 31:18 That is funny though, I'm a vegetarian but I stayed away 31:22 from vegetables. - yeah pretty much! 31:25 No fruits, no vegetables, loved sodas, loved juices. 31:28 Ate cereal, ate veggie meat and that's pretty much it. 31:32 So you just stayed away from meat? - yeah! 31:35 But you ate a bunch of junk food? 31:36 - and cheese and everything. 31:38 Taco Bell was my friend. That pretty much was my diet. 31:44 That caused a lot of health concerns. 31:47 Now I had health concerns before but they seem 31:49 to get worse after that. 31:51 To me I have to say health concerns, as I have gained 31:57 weight and lost weight is that I had these insecurities 32:01 or grew up with these insecurities about who I am and 32:03 all that stuff, and now with the weight you look in the 32:07 mirror and think look at yourself. 32:08 I mean there's all that that starts waking up too. 32:11 My skin was breaking out and I'm fat, you look 32:16 at yourself and you look ugly, you're confused as who 32:20 you are, and you are ugly. 32:22 The more, I just kept gaining and went up to a size 24. 32:25 It was horrible, but that is what I was use to, 32:28 I got use to it. 32:30 The Holy Spirit was like, hon, I love you. - yeah! 32:33 Ironically me and my friends would study health things 32:36 all the time, but I never applied to myself. 32:39 I can teach you something about health and would never 32:42 do it myself, that was pretty much my lifestyle. 32:45 Follow what I teach you but never do what I do. 32:49 So what I love about your own recovery, about who God 32:52 is in your life, is that in your own recover, what 32:56 finally got you to the place where you said, I'm actually 33:00 coming to a place where I am staying present. 33:03 I'm dealing with my health, because you talked about at 33:05 the beginning of the program when I told you about that 33:08 discipline thing, I'm not good with that whole discipline 33:12 thing, but God says, I'm like a father going to come in 33:16 and discipline you a bit because I love you. 33:19 What was that like for you? 33:20 For me it was difficult, in 2006 my brother went into 33:30 a coma, he's type 1 diabetic. 33:32 My world was, like if he dies, I'm too young to have 33:37 a brother die. 33:39 I told God, you know, this is not working. 33:43 One day I heard God say, I can't save you Raven. 33:47 I was thinking about death, because I was thinking 33:51 my brother was going to die, and He was like, 33:52 I can't save you. 33:54 I was thinking Lord please save my brother, please help 33:57 him live because I don't think my brother had a close 34:01 walk with God, please save him if anything. 34:03 But I can't save you. 34:06 I said why? Because you won't let me. 34:08 I was like, how is that? He said, your God is not Me. 34:12 Your God is food, your God is television, your God is 34:15 everything but Me, you're doing all the right things, 34:18 but you won't let Me really work with you. 34:21 The reality is I'm out of control, I have no control. 34:26 I eat all day, I drink all day, I work and that's it. 34:31 I lived in an imaginary world of Raven is always right. 34:35 Because I feel like I'm always wrong, so I'm going to 34:39 self-destruct and unless You force me to change, 34:42 You might as well let me go. 34:44 That was at the end of 2006, and that is when the turning 34:48 point came, then it was take my brother David to Wildwood. 34:53 I was like, I'm not going to no Wildwood. 34:55 How did you know about Wildwood? 34:59 Did you hear about that? 35:00 I had some friends that went to Wildwood. 35:02 It's a health center and they will help him with his 35:05 diabetes. - yes, because medication wasn't working for 35:07 him, he is been like since he was 15. 35:10 So my thing was maybe natural remedies can help. 35:13 So I will take him there. 35:14 Well he said no, and I was like well 220 pounds maybe 35:18 I should go there, because I don't know how I can teach 35:21 someone about health, no one is paying attention to me. 35:23 That is beginning to hurt my pride, 35:25 you're not listening to me? 35:26 Of course now, after a while my anger has now built, 35:30 because now I'm not been abused anymore so my anger 35:34 is beginning to build. 35:35 I was like you won't listen to me, I will force you 35:37 to listen to me. 35:39 I was talking with addicts, and my feelings would get 35:41 hurt for about a minute, a minute and a half and then 35:44 I'm angry, so it is pretty horrible. 35:47 So I'm saying Lord, I can't change so You'll have to 35:50 force me and so He told me to apply to Wildwood. 35:54 I said I don't want to go to Wildwood. 35:56 So not to apply as to go in as a guest, but apply 35:59 as a student? - as a student. - oh my goodness. 36:02 Because we had no money, were coming from the projects. 36:05 We're working to make sure we pay the next bills. 36:09 What I love about that is as a student at Wildwood, 36:13 I know you are going to have classes on every one of the 36:17 subjects, you are great have somebody teach you and be 36:20 with you and show you how to apply it to yourself. 36:22 You will have people that say it is time to walk, 36:24 it's time to get outside, it's time to sleep. 36:27 I'm just thinking, when you said God you will have to do 36:30 it, God is like, all right, no problem. 36:33 I can do that. - I can do that. 36:35 So by December of 06 I woke up one morning and I felt 36:40 I was going to die, and I was so happy. 36:44 I felt for the first time, He's going to let me die. 36:48 I was so happy and then I woke up the next day and He 36:51 said you are going to die to self. 36:53 I was so mad. - that is not fair, that's not what you 36:58 meant and that's not what I meant. 37:00 I felt I'm going to do when Hezekiah didn't do, I'm going to 37:03 prepare my home, prepare my family, I was serious about it. 37:05 I was serious about that, I was going to prepare them 37:08 for my death and it upset me something serious when He said, 37:12 no, you're going to die to self. 37:13 I said, you got to be kidding me. 37:15 So is that when you went to Wildwood? 37:16 I went to Wildwood and the Lord truly help me die to 37:20 self, He help me to lose weight in six to eight months. 37:23 I dropped 60 pounds. 37:25 He taught me His eight laws of health, which you know 37:28 them, but to live them is an experience. 37:31 I got into the word more, I just became different person. 37:35 I really started to die to self. 37:37 What I like about that, is that you are also are passionate 37:41 to teach other people how to get to a place where 37:45 you can take care of yourself. 37:47 You can heal from those emotional things, 37:49 heal from those physical diseases. 37:51 So you stayed at Wildwood, even after your stay there, 37:56 to teach them? 37:57 I'm the seminars coordinator, I also teach health talks. 38:01 In my health talk classes, what I used to present a health 38:05 message with is my own personal testimony. 38:07 So now I'm teach other people how to do the same thing 38:10 and I do seminars, three a year just teaching them 38:13 God's way of life. 38:15 I have to say, when I heard you present in the seminar 38:19 because you have been there you know what it feels like 38:22 to be lost and be out of control. 38:24 When somebody give you all that back, you present all 38:27 that in the seminar. 38:28 So it is not just about what you eat, it is who you are, 38:31 how you stay present, who you are with your higher power, 38:34 with God, with all that stuff. 38:37 So it is not just one thing, everything matters. 38:40 We are going to open it up for questions, because 38:42 I want to just see what your friends have to say. 38:45 So I want to start Esther, with you, because I know that 38:49 you had a comment. 38:50 The Lord, I believe, has blessed Raven in a way that 38:55 I can't even explain because I met Raven at Wildwood. 38:59 I was visiting a friend and he wanted to show us around 39:03 Wildwood, and I met Raven. 39:05 Her testimony is not what I've seen. 39:09 The person that I met at Wildwood was someone that had a 39:14 true relationship with God and gave me the desire to be 39:19 like her, I wanted that experience. 39:22 I want to know Christ that way, because in myself I was 39:26 just looking for a walk with God. 39:30 But she was so welcoming, so loving while I was there, 39:34 it was like wow, the Lord is really working in her life. 39:38 I really, really wanted that relationship that she had. 39:42 Amen, I know that Raven has influenced you to the fact 39:46 that you are in Wildwood now taking the program. 39:49 I think that's incredible. 39:51 Angela, I know you had a question. 39:53 Yes Raven, you talked about dying to self and all that. 39:57 What touches me is that your willingness now to die to 40:01 self and surrender and make amends with your family. 40:07 My hurt is such that I want my family to be a way from 40:12 me because it hurts. 40:14 I am getting to that place where you are at, but see that 40:18 beautiful surrender in your face and in your eyes, 40:20 being willing to be obedient because God doesn't want 40:22 anyone to die like you said. 40:24 He wants them all to live, but my feeling is stay away 40:28 from them a lot longer because that hurts, 40:31 but I am getting to that place and I appreciate that 40:34 you are willing to go there. 40:36 That is profound sister, because it was in September 40:42 I said the same thing. 40:45 I was very honest with God, I cannot handle my mother 40:49 dying, but if she doesn't call I'm okay. 40:53 If I never talked to my family I'm okay because I have built 40:58 a world of friends that made me feel comfortable. 41:02 I didn't have a need, but I had an emptiness inside of me 41:06 that ached and I did know how to stop it from aching. 41:10 So I have to say, I love question that says I have to 41:15 say what is interesting is God just says that healing 41:20 is complete when all those pieces are back on the table. 41:25 We want to say, but I don't want is piece anymore, 41:28 and I don't want this piece anymore, and I don't want 41:30 this piece anymore, but God says when I bring it back 41:33 to you in health, it will be different. 41:36 So that is what you are saying, I have to have them 41:40 back my life. - I have to. 41:42 Not only that, the joy of life never, could never fill 41:47 it until I say God, give me love for my mom. 41:51 Like I began to really see that my mom is a hurting 41:56 person, why understand all of this, understand the word 42:00 of God, and can't apply it to my mother? 42:02 Why can I apply it to my brothers and why can't I apply 42:05 to the rest of my family? 42:07 When I made up my mind to say I can't love them. 42:10 I'm not a loving person, it is just not in me. 42:14 But you've already told me that I can do nothing 42:16 without You, so I need You to help me love her. 42:19 It opened my eyes to the hurt that she is dealing with, 42:22 to the things she knew nothing, she knew nothing of my 42:26 past, so I am blaming her for things she didn't even know 42:30 about and that has given me joy that I have never know. 42:33 When we talk about it, and I want to address this a little. 42:37 But when we talk about forgiveness, and God says that 42:40 even in the prayer that Jesus taught us to say, as I forgive 42:45 those of others, as I forgive the debts that were against 42:49 me, and I think I did not relate that for a long time to 42:53 my family and God said I want you to understand. 42:56 I want you to see the pain that they have been through. 42:58 I want you to see all that stuff and I remember not being 43:01 able to until I can see my mom as a three-year-old girl 43:03 that was abused herself. 43:05 And it broke my heart and I can say now to her, 43:08 as an adult woman, I forgive you, I forgive you. 43:12 If there is anything I can do to show you love, 43:15 I pray that God will pour that into me because 43:17 I want to show her that for her own healing. 43:20 So talk about how He did that with you because I love 43:23 the fact that God brings us full circle. 43:26 He says, you know what? 43:27 I'm going to bring you all the way around. 43:29 For me He said, Raven you argue with your mom that 43:32 you're different, like stop making me like you. 43:35 Why don't you stop trying to make her like you? 43:38 It's like so many times you keep wanting her to do 43:41 something you don't want to do, stop doing that. 43:44 She is an individual, and that took a lot for me. 43:47 - let her be that. - let her be who she is. 43:50 Let Me heal her the same way I healed you. 43:53 Are you praying for her? 43:55 You have not been praying for her. 43:57 Everything has been about me so He took me back to the 44:00 first thought if you will live for Me, if you don't 44:03 like it I'll let you die. 44:05 Again living for Me means are you praying for her, 44:07 are you seeking her well-being? 44:09 As I talked to her now our relationship is so much 44:13 different, our communication is different. 44:15 - now you love her. - I love her and speak Scriptures now, 44:18 so when she says things, it's like why is she doing 44:21 this again, Raven and Scripture will come to my mind. 44:24 I'll say that Scripture and it inspires her. 44:26 It's like oh my word, you are inspired? 44:29 I could have tackled this a long time ago. 44:31 Well you know the Bible talks about let them find favor 44:36 in my eyes, and I thought what does that mean? 44:40 Talk about what that means, because that is such an 44:43 incredible thing, I can't muster it up. 44:46 But God give them favor in my eyes. 44:49 I've learned this, if I pray before I talk to my mom, 44:53 my pain of anger, because I usually have a pain in my chest, 44:57 what ever she says it's going to cause me to say this. 45:01 It goes away when I'm praying, I pray from the beginning 45:05 of the conversation to the end. 45:06 That is my new thing now, and now she sees me different. 45:10 She respects me now because we used to argue, I hate you, 45:14 I hope you die and now the conversation is that I just 45:17 want to see you happy, want to see live. 45:20 Now that I respect her for who she is, she now speaks 45:26 to me differently and it is like wow. 45:27 That is so awesome, I want to go ahead and say thanks 45:31 for being on the program. I don't want to let you go now. 45:35 I know that you teach this in seminars and stuff. 45:39 So when we come back, we're going to take a break right 45:41 now, and I want to come back and I want you to put that 45:46 teacher hat on, and teach us something about recovery, 45:50 staying in recovery, healing emotionally, but not in your 45:54 testimony, but in a teaching role. 45:57 I want you to stay with us because the fact that God brings 46:00 us full circle, the fact that God says all that stuff I 46:04 am not afraid of, and I want you to stay with us and hear 46:08 the next step of this. 46:10 If God was here I would kiss Him right on the face. 46:14 I just would come I'm so proud of Him. 46:16 I'm proud that whatever He does and gives us courage to 46:19 stay in our recovery, stay on this journey is amazing. 46:22 So we will be right back, stay with us! |
Revised 2014-12-17