Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Dwight Hall, Debbie Hall
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00063A
00:10 Welcome to Celebrating Life in Recovery!
00:12 My name is Cheri and today
00:14 we are going to look at what
00:15 happens when I am in total denial, I don't know anything,
00:17 how does God get through to me?
00:19 Come and join us because it is pretty exciting
00:21 and actually good stuff.
00:23 If you are in denial it's going to help.
00:52 Welcome back!
00:53 You know I really love, this whole season we do a teaching.
00:58 Every season I want to have
01:00 at the end of the season
01:02 for you to remember something about recovery.
01:05 And the first ones, I'm going to recap again,
01:07 I've already done that this season but the first ones
01:10 were just foundational Christianity, about repentance,
01:14 prayer, and who God is, and who we are and
01:17 then the Holy Spirit.
01:18 We talked about getting into the word of God,
01:20 because in our recovery if I lean on my own stuff,
01:23 I'm going to end up where have always ended up.
01:26 That is not ever good, but this season I'm trying to do,
01:31 I think the most important thing about recovery is totally
01:35 turning it over to God, totally.
01:38 Not even thinking I know where to go and I will explain
01:42 again why I think that is important.
01:43 I spent the first 21 years in my recovery thinking
01:49 I knew where to go.
01:50 And I was serious, I'm seriously going to
01:54 look at heroin addiction.
01:55 I am seriously going to look at that I am a drug addict.
01:59 And I'm going to stop doing drugs, I'm going to stop all
02:03 drugs, I'm going to stop sleeping with my neighbor.
02:05 I'm going to stop what ever is that God tells me to stop,
02:08 I will stop all that.
02:10 I was serious, I got every book on the planet,
02:13 I had my shelves full and if you wanted to know how
02:16 not to do drugs, how to stop doing drugs,
02:19 I could pull from the shelf a book and handed it to you.
02:22 I had everything.
02:23 I have books on depression, I have books on anger.
02:25 What was really funny about the anger books,
02:28 somebody tried to give me a book on anger and
02:30 I'm thinking I'm not angry.
02:33 I was so in denial about my own anger that
02:37 I didn't even see it.
02:38 In fact one time I went to a psychologist and he said,
02:42 have you ever been angry about any of this?
02:44 And I said no, and he looked at me like oh man,
02:47 oh when she gets in touch with this,
02:50 and he helped me to get in touch with that so
02:52 I was angry totally for about a year.
02:54 So I've got books on that.
02:55 I have books on everything and finally after 10, 20 years,
03:01 first 10 years went by then 20 years went by.
03:06 In my 21st year of recovery, I thought God I'm tired,
03:12 should this be so hard?
03:15 He said, no, actually no.
03:18 That is when I learned the whole thing about turning
03:20 it over to Him, the Holy Spirit and all that stuff.
03:23 But He did something that I thought was so not fair.
03:26 He said now I'm going to tell you what to do.
03:31 What your first step is.
03:34 Now I'm thinking wait a minute, first step,
03:37 I have been doing this 21 years haven't I already
03:40 done the first step?
03:41 He said you've done all your stuff, and I have.
03:44 I did everything I thought I should do to be in recovery.
03:47 Do you know of God tells me to do?
03:49 Go wash the dishes, and I am thinking stop,
03:55 what do you mean wash the dishes?
03:56 Make my bed, get up and go outside and take a breath.
04:00 Have water instead of soda, do you know what I mean
04:03 God just got real simple.
04:05 He didn't say, this is not complicated,
04:07 I'm going to teach you how to live and
04:09 how to be healthy.
04:10 I mean He started teaching me.
04:12 He said I want you to learn to connect with people.
04:15 I have attachment disorders and bonding disorders.
04:18 I don't know if anybody understands that.
04:20 If you do understand that is I don't know how to do that.
04:23 I process myself in the room, I don't know how to sit with
04:26 somebody and just say hi how is the weather.
04:28 In fact I can't figure out why you guys kept talking about
04:31 the weather, do you know I mean?
04:32 I did know how to do any of that.
04:33 So He says I want you to take a class.
04:36 I'm like what kind of a class?
04:39 Any kind of class, so I got in my phonebook, I like art.
04:44 So I got into an art store and walked in,
04:47 what kind of class do you have?
04:49 They had a crochet class going on.
04:51 I'm thinking are you kidding me?
04:52 I'm a hard-core druggie in recovery,
04:55 I'm now doing worldwide evangelism,
04:57 and God is telling me to start a crochet class
05:00 with a group of women that I don't even know?
05:04 Not Christians, just crochet and I sat there and
05:08 just felt like, I thought, God this is kind of stupid.
05:12 He was like, this stupid stuff will get you right into
05:16 recovery, right into recovery because we need to connect
05:19 with each other and need to do all this stuff.
05:21 I thought it was about understanding my past, my abuse,
05:25 my molest, my neglect, my addictions, my whatever.
05:29 He said you don't even know how to connect with anybody.
05:31 You don't know how to let anybody connect with you.
05:34 So in this crochet class I laughed with other women.
05:37 I hung out with them.
05:39 We talked about just whatever was going on
05:42 with us that day.
05:43 Some of it was serious, somebody had just went
05:46 through divorce, husband left them for somebody
05:49 that was 20 years younger.
05:51 She had to deal with all that stuff,
05:53 so as we crocheted we talked about that.
05:55 Some body else just got a promotion on their job and she
05:58 was stoked about that and we talked about that stuff.
06:01 I got to talk about whatever, at first I didn't even
06:05 know what to talk about and do you know I said? So lame!
06:09 Wow what crazy weather were having, because I knew that
06:13 was what you guys did to feel each other out,
06:15 so I am like saying that.
06:16 What was really interesting to me is when I said to God, what
06:22 about all those years that I went in
06:24 all these different directions?
06:25 It wasn't wasted time because God said, Him and I hung out,
06:30 I got to learn some stuff, but all the stuff that I
06:34 focused on for all those years didn't help me as much as a
06:39 a simple crochet class.
06:40 It's weird, when we turn it over to God,
06:44 He says I will actually direct your steps.
06:46 I will show you what you need to know.
06:48 I will teach you what you need to know.
06:51 I needed to learn how to socialize.
06:54 I thought I already knew,
06:57 I got a book on how to socialize.
06:59 My husband almost did not marry me, you can ask Brad,
07:02 Brad just laughed at this.
07:03 Brad said he was thinking about marrying me,
07:05 my family are drug addicts and
07:07 dying of their addictions.
07:08 My sisters are strippers and sell cocaine for a living.
07:10 Mike has a porn site, do you know what I mean?
07:13 His dad is an ambassador for the United States.
07:15 His mom plays violin in Madison,
07:17 Wisconsin for the orchestra.
07:19 So we were so different and he did all these fundraisers,
07:23 he teaches music at the University and so
07:26 he said Cheri you can't even socialize.
07:28 When I come into a room full of people,
07:30 I had such panic attacks, I had to leave the room.
07:33 So of course I got a book on how to socialize because
07:36 that was safe for me, not socializing but getting
07:39 the book was safe, and the book said you walk into a crowd.
07:44 I loved this, you walk into a circle of people talking
07:47 and you stop.
07:48 You listen to what they are saying, don't say anything
07:52 until you know, you know, what they are saying.
07:54 If they are talking about economy you don't want to say,
07:57 you know what my first suicide attempt
07:59 was when I was eight.
08:00 Because it just misses the conversation up.
08:02 But it is like walking in and you figured out and then
08:06 you join in, and there is an energy in the circle and
08:08 you pay attention to that and when it is your turn
08:11 to speak, you speak and stay on topic.
08:13 So I read the whole book.
08:15 I was ready to do it.
08:17 Brad was having a fund raiser, the orchestra was meeting
08:21 after the concert, everybody is in this one room.
08:23 I looked adorable, I'm telling you I was so adorable.
08:26 I walked in, I had my symphony clothes on, so I had this little
08:29 gown on and I walked up to the group and I was nervous.
08:33 I did not know where to put my hands or feet,
08:34 I probably should have left them underneath me.
08:36 So I walked up and put my foot like this and just crossed them
08:40 and was going to stand there like that, I am not sure why
08:44 I wanted to stand there like that, but when I did that
08:48 I had high heels on and I tripped myself and fell
08:52 flat on the ground.
08:53 I did know how to do that it wasn't in the chapters
08:57 I read, so I got up and just continued my conversation.
09:00 Everybody was like did she just fall?
09:03 So it is like even if we read about it,
09:06 it is not the same as turning it over to God.
09:08 Let go and let God allow recovery programs say.
09:11 There is a point in your recovery that the best
09:14 you have ever done in your life has got you to the point
09:17 you are at now.
09:18 And I do want to be mean to people
09:21 who don't have obvious addictions.
09:23 Obvious addictions, you're slamming heroine, your strung
09:27 out on Internet porn, your a gambler, you beat your wife,
09:32 your a rage-aholic, but what about perfectionism,
09:34 and what about religious addictions and
09:36 those cleaner addictions?
09:37 If you were sitting there and you are miserable,
09:40 absolutely miserable, I don't want to wake up tomorrow
09:43 because I know I keep doing this, then you need recovery.
09:46 And I mean seriously need recovery.
09:49 So at that point don't get another book, God told me one
09:52 time, Cheri I want you to get rid of all your books.
09:56 My palms started sweating.
09:58 I'm thinking are you kidding me?
09:59 What if I need help?
10:01 How about asking Me?
10:03 I'm thinking what if I need help, what if I need my books?
10:07 He said you need to get rid of all these books.
10:09 I've said this before, probably on the first season,
10:11 is that I started crying, and I am not a crier.
10:14 My husband in 20 years has seen me cry maybe three or four
10:18 times, so I am telling you crying is
10:19 not something I do well.
10:21 So I am like God, and He is like Cheri get rid of them.
10:29 I was mad, I want to be normal and you know what it is
10:37 so not fair because she gets to be normal.
10:40 God said, you'll be normal when I come back.
10:44 I thought unless you are coming back tomorrow,
10:48 that's not helping me, because I want to be normal now,
10:51 I want to be normal today.
10:52 It was really interesting because I fought, I fought,
10:55 I thought my being normal means that I need to know
10:58 all this stuff about recovery.
11:00 I need to have all these books about recovery.
11:02 I need to know how to deal with anger and depression
11:06 and hatred and molest issues and past memories stuff,
11:09 nightmares and all that stuff I need to know all that.
11:11 Please hear me, I am not knocking any of that.
11:15 For me none of that worked, I knew tons and
11:18 I was still miserable.
11:20 God's said, get rid of the books,
11:23 throw them out and come sit with Me.
11:26 I'm thinking I don't know what that means.
11:30 He said, so you are powerless here.
11:33 I said yeah, He said that step one.
11:35 I'm like how cool are You?
11:39 How cool are You, He did not shame me for 21 years when
11:43 I went in every single direction.
11:44 He did not tell me Cheri you're wrong, wrong, wrong,
11:48 wrong, wrong, wrong, He didn't keep doing that,
11:52 He let me do what I was determined to do even though
11:56 He knew eventually I would have come to this place!
12:00 God I do not know what to do, I have done everything
12:03 in my power to get well and I am still not well.
12:07 He said, will you trust Me?
12:09 I'm thinking, man, I don't know.
12:14 You know when I said I don't know what cracks me up?
12:17 He said, that is the issue,
12:20 you have never learned to trust anybody.
12:22 I thought, are you kidding me?
12:25 Because I'm saying I don't know thinking that was
12:28 such wisdom and He is saying that is the issue.
12:32 Since you were a little girl nobody has,
12:34 I read in Ezekiel one time there was a text.
12:37 Ezekiel 16:4 where it says in the days that you were born
12:41 nobody wrapped you, nobody loved you, nobody cared about
12:45 you, nobody cleaned you up, nobody even cut your cord.
12:49 When I read that I am trying to act adult in this class
12:53 and I started sobbing because that is how I felt.
12:56 Nobody ever did those things.
12:58 I did not learn anything.
12:59 So when you think about when we learn to trust.
13:04 When you think where we learn to feel comfortable in love,
13:07 in our own skin, we learn that from the people around us.
13:11 But the people around us are damaged at any level.
13:13 Not because they are cruel, not because they are horrible.
13:16 My mom is not horrible, she was never loved,
13:18 didn't have it to teach me.
13:20 So the more I get into recovery, the more I look at her
13:23 and think, you know what, you just didn't have it.
13:26 He said you never learned the basic things that is going to
13:32 cause you to flourish, to grow, to be well,
13:35 and that is to trust.
13:36 I'm going to teach you that.
13:37 I'm thinking okay, I'm ready for this huge thing,
13:42 and He says take a crochet class.
13:46 Wash your dishes, get outside, take a breath,
13:50 drink some water, eat an apple, make your bed,
13:54 and I am thinking well what about, is there a book?
13:58 Do you want me to read a book?
13:59 Well He says absolutely, but we are not going to start
14:03 there, we are going to start with taking a breath,
14:07 hang out with somebody, laugh with someone,
14:09 connect with people.
14:11 It is amazing to me as, people tell me now in the
14:14 last 10 years, Cheri you absolutely are looking better.
14:21 People know that I got diagnosed with cancer.
14:25 Even since then, man you look good.
14:27 I'm thinking you know what,
14:29 I'm finally letting go and letting God.
14:32 I'm not struggling for my recovery anymore.
14:36 I am not fighting for my recovery.
14:37 I do not have to understand all things.
14:39 When something comes up that is ugly from my past I take
14:43 it right to God and say what about this?
14:44 What's up with this because this keeps coming up?
14:47 He tells me, He tells me going through His word,
14:49 He tells me with counsel with people that I love,
14:52 He tells me somehow but I do not have to dig into that.
14:54 He brings it up when it needs to be brought up and
14:57 then I can look at it.
14:58 I do not have to focus on that every minute of my life.
15:00 What I have to focus on the every minute of my life,
15:02 is to let go and let God.
15:05 Most of the time when I do that the things that
15:09 He asked me to do are simple.
15:11 Do you know what He just gave me?
15:12 A bicycle, and do you know what is really cool about that?
15:15 Is that when you are this damaged and you focus on
15:18 recovery, recovery is always about such heavy stuff.
15:21 What else can I do? What else can I learn?
15:24 What else can I dive into? What else can I uncover?
15:27 God gives you a bicycle and says, get outside and ride.
15:30 I'm thinking the first time I got out from a bike shop,
15:33 and I didn't have any money, I'm in Ministry.
15:36 If you have any money please send it to us, but I didn't have
15:38 any money so I just put the word out to my friends.
15:41 Money came in and I got this bike.
15:44 I got out onto the road on this bike, and I am riding
15:47 down the street, I just wanted to laugh out loud.
15:50 I felt like a little kid and it felt so good.
15:53 So now for the Leukemia Society I am like a poster child
15:56 and we are doing 100 mile bike run around
15:58 Lake Tahoe in June.
16:00 We are doing a 300 mile ride for an AIDS center in
16:04 Africa raising money for them.
16:06 So we are riding and it is for a purpose and it is fun.
16:09 I am riding with 25 other people that have committed to
16:11 do something good, they are getting exercise,
16:13 they are getting outside, and I am thinking God this
16:16 is the funnest recovery ever.
16:17 It is different than what I was doing.
16:20 I was in my house in a book, in a group
16:23 trying to learn about anger.
16:25 He is saying how about learning about life?
16:26 I'm like, You are cool!
16:29 So let go, let God.
16:32 We are going to take a break and I will introduce you
16:34 to some friends of mine when we come back.
16:35 We will hear how God taught them the very thing
16:38 I am talking about, and if you get this very thing,
16:41 I'm telling you recovery goes from be this dreaded thing,
16:44 this intense thing, to where you were start laughing out
16:47 loud and you might even get a bike.
16:50 Stay with us!