Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Dr. Douglas Weiss
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00035A
00:10 Welcome to Celebrate Life In Recovery.
00:11 I'm Cheri your host.
00:13 I believe that the most import relationship beside with
00:15 God is with our spouse.
00:16 I really believe that, but if you are like most of us
00:19 that's the hardest one.
00:20 What if you could fix it in just Ten Minutes A Day.
00:23 Join us and let's see how.
00:51 Welcome, this is my favorite part of the show, but we are
00:55 going to do a little bit different right now.
00:56 Instead of doing the teaching segment
00:58 I want to introduce you to the guest right off.
01:00 We are going to meet with Doug Weiss again and I want to
01:04 say Dr. Doug. Thank you so much for coming back.
01:06 Well thank you for having me back.
01:07 Were going to talk about marriage this time.
01:09 I like marriage.
01:10 I was just going to say, we were going to do a radio
01:13 interview at one time.
01:14 The radio interview is going to be on the Ten Minute Marriage.
01:17 And I thought how cool is that and your office sent me the
01:21 book and I look through the book I was reading it.
01:23 I was reading it and going through and trying to get good
01:27 interview questions in that kind of thing.
01:29 And I left it sitting down, my husband picks it up as
01:32 getting ready for work in the morning and he looks
01:35 at the tile Ten Minute Marriage, and he's like I do that.
01:38 Absolutely that's the guy type isn't it.
01:41 That's why guys love the book because it's
01:43 actually practical in ten minutes I
01:45 can do that and if that will
01:46 keep my wife happy let me get into that book.
01:48 And so he did, he decided to do it this cracked me up.
01:52 He sees that and he says, you know what he reads through
01:55 okay ten minutes and I can pick any of these things.
01:58 Nana Nana Nana Nana as though he decides he
02:01 going to do it right now.
02:02 It's like six thirty in the morning,
02:03 I'm asleep, sound asleep.
02:06 He comes back upstairs and I literally
02:08 had drool on my face.
02:10 He's thinking no time like the present.
02:12 Exactly he's like so focused, so he says Hon, wake up,
02:16 and I'm like excuse me.
02:18 And he's like wake up.
02:20 I got something I want to do, and
02:22 I'm like what he says wake up.
02:24 And I wake up and he says, look at me and I'm like,
02:28 what is up.
02:29 I don't have to get up, yet, you know and what is up.
02:32 He's like look at me are a looking at me, yeah, what's up.
02:37 And in trying to wipe the sleep from my eyes, and the
02:40 drool from my face and he's like.
02:41 I love you, let that settle in your heart.
02:43 And I realized that he had read your new book, and
02:46 I'm like, not now and then I thought I'd better
02:48 not discourage him.
02:49 So tell us a little bit first of all who are you for
02:52 people who have never seen you on previous show.
02:55 And then what's he talking about.
02:58 Well I'm Dr. Doug Weiss, we have a counseling center in
03:01 Colorado Springs, where we do three intense
03:03 phone counseling and all that of stuff.
03:04 We been doing it for twenty years, almost twenty years and
03:06 what we found is actually principles
03:09 that help marriages work.
03:11 And we been putting marriages together for about that
03:12 long, and it's really fun stuff so your husband is right
03:15 he found a toolkit that can actually help him.
03:18 In the kit there's ten different exercises, you pick three,
03:20 and you do them.
03:21 At what he was excited probably about was.
03:23 While this looks like it would actually work,
03:26 let me go try it.
03:27 Guys like trying different things as he just
03:31 tried it on you.
03:32 What's really interesting for a long time,
03:34 what I'm telling him.
03:35 You know he plays in the orchestra, he works at the
03:39 University, is a busy guy has so many things he
03:41 produces a jazz fest.
03:43 So many things on his plate.
03:44 I will say something to him very generic.
03:46 You know what I want to be on your plate too.
03:48 And he's like was that mean.
03:51 So totally... - I think you should talk about that because
03:57 what the ten minute marriage did was given him what that
03:59 means in ten minutes.
04:01 We are not really trained in any where and I got
04:04 four degrees and there's nowhere 2 in counseling
04:06 and 2 in theology and there's nowhere
04:07 they actually trained me how to be intimate, how to share
04:10 feelings, how to communicate, and how to do some of the
04:11 other exercises like well we'll get into that later.
04:14 So you don't have any training, and then you put it into a
04:17 marriage and this woman is saying give me your heart.
04:19 What does that mean in guy language, put the engine I mean
04:25 what does that mean?
04:26 That is totally different language okay.
04:31 So this book says okay this is actually how you do it.
04:33 You can share your feelings, you can share what was effort
04:36 or energizing for you today, you look in her eye she
04:38 can do some flooding we will get into this stuff.
04:40 It's like a how to meet that need that your wife has
04:43 been saying, I feel like a roommate.
04:45 I feel alone I feel like you don't love me.
04:48 I feel like you don't want me,
04:49 I'm just not a part of your life.
04:51 I'm not in your life, where did the love go.
04:53 And the guys are thinking, wait a minute I'm working sixty hours
04:56 a week, I'm providing, I'm loving.
04:58 I just took you on a date just six days ago.
04:59 Like what are you talking about?
05:01 And so this book helps them find that peace that they're
05:05 talking about, which I just need some real connected time.
05:09 And ten minutes is really enough.
05:11 That makes her feel wonderful and then things go better.
05:15 So I went through knowing that he must've picked up
05:19 the book, knowing he must have looked at that,
05:21 I did not want to discourage him at all.
05:24 And went through that with him, not wanting to,
05:28 not in a place where I hadn't even woke up yet, and at the
05:32 end of the ten minutes I thought I love you,
05:33 I so love you.
05:35 And it was just the coolest thing to realize that even
05:37 if I'm not in the place.
05:39 And he's not in the place by the time.
05:41 You are down ten minutes, you will love them.
05:44 So, I want you to really just unfold that for us.
05:48 Because it is an incredible teaching.
05:50 There are some basic principles to be successful in
05:52 anything, business, life, parenting, and also a marriage.
05:55 What this does it apply some principles.
05:58 And that is we need emotional intimacy, like I said,
06:01 there's no place to get that training.
06:02 Where do you go to get training to identify your feelings?
06:05 Or how to share your heart.
06:08 Women have an easier time at that.
06:10 Well, they think they do.
06:12 Women aren't always there slightly usually better at
06:15 intimacy than their husbands, husbands get this book, and
06:18 they become masters they become black belts, and sometimes
06:20 women look pretty bad.
06:21 Hey, it's like I know what your feeling what are you feeling?
06:23 How funny is that!
06:25 So is actually skill-based, and you learn these
06:27 skills like eye gazing where you look at
06:30 someone's eyes for a minute.
06:31 You can't imagine how powerful that is.
06:33 You know, I have had couples who have been married for
06:35 30, 40, 50 years and have never looked into each other's
06:37 eyes for a minute.
06:38 And Brad and I are not like our marriage is very good so
06:41 we don't have a bad marriage, but when he looked at my
06:43 eyes for a minute.
06:45 I started crying because, you know what I so love being
06:48 connected with you in that way.
06:49 So was a huge thing to be able to say, Okay.
06:52 everything just stop for a minute, and let's just
06:54 get connected with each other
06:55 Women love to be beheld.
06:56 They were totally created for that.
06:58 But anyway, some of the other exercise like going down
07:01 memory lane, because a lot times you remember the negative.
07:04 But you don't make an effort at remembering the positive.
07:07 So that exercise you give one or two examples of things
07:10 in your past and your relationship that you really
07:12 enjoyed about each other.
07:13 Or playing the wing and marriage game, which is a whole
07:16 bunch of questions kind of like dating game.
07:18 I ask questions and see if you get the answer right.
07:20 You'll are a lot that way.
07:22 What say some of the questions, or let's do it
07:25 a different way.
07:26 Let's start out with go through the different things
07:30 you could choose cause what you're saying is,
07:32 this is Ten Minutes A Day.
07:33 Ten minutes a day you can pick any exercise.
07:36 If the menu we're in a café, there's a menu.
07:39 There's ten exercise, you pick the three any three
07:41 combinations of those are about ten minutes together.
07:44 Okay, praying together is one, sharing two feelings a day.
07:47 I feel blank when, I first remember
07:49 feeling blank when, well most people do not know
07:51 how to do their feelings.
07:53 So this is really good stuff.
07:54 Nurturing each other's saying two things that you
07:58 really love or appreciate about each other.
07:59 We talked about the eye gazing, we talked about what
08:02 energized you, what was effort for you today, what I
08:05 learned today.
08:06 And that can be from God from myself or from you.
08:08 person down the street, winning in marriage we talked about that
08:11 on a couple of the other ones because I have my own
08:17 little favorites I do personally.
08:18 I love the marriage game.
08:20 Oh yes, that's very much fun.
08:21 If I was going to write you a love letter what would it say?
08:25 And is just where you speak a love letter, you say, you
08:28 know how if I was talking to Lisa I'd say it's writing you
08:32 a love letter I would first have to say I'm unable to
08:35 write what I see, what I sense, and who you are, no pen no
08:42 paper could capture that.
08:43 That's what I would write you today.
08:45 And so as a woman I'm going, Oh man I love you.
08:48 closeness of the exercise, it's great.
08:50 I write, so it's easier for me to do that.
08:53 But you know what's really interesting to me about that
08:56 is, this is not encouraging you to put every junk every
09:00 bad thing in the marriage on the table.
09:01 It's saying get in touch with the good stuff.
09:05 Even there was one exercise where you just go back and
09:09 say something about the first time I remembered feeling
09:14 excited about her, enthusiastic about something
09:17 It's funny because I thought the first time remember feeling
09:21 enthusiastic about something is when I got braces on a
09:24 and that was kind of drag.
09:25 But I learn to skate on one foot and I could
09:29 do it with a brace.
09:30 My husband looked at me and he said I love you,
09:33 how cute is that.
09:34 And for him to say that all of a sudden I realized there
09:37 were something in my memory I had remembered, now, I shared
09:40 with him, and he saw that as somehow character thing that
09:43 he loved about me.
09:44 Right, a lot of endearment happens in this exercise.
09:46 It's huge.
09:47 What happens what you are doing is it intentionally
09:50 investing in the intimacy in your relationship.
09:53 Guys understand investment.
09:54 They understand when you're 30, you got a start putting
09:58 money away for when you're going to be sixty.
09:59 But you want to be relationally wealthy, not just
10:01 financially wealthy.
10:03 And this is a practical way to look at it so it doesn't
10:06 feel so ambiguous.
10:10 See Paul talked about Ephesians where God says
10:13 husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church,
10:16 Now guys, when you hear that Scripture, what immediately
10:19 happens for you, oh God, I hope he's not going to talk
10:21 about that today. Right
10:24 Because that Scripture has been kind of so
10:26 misused in ways.
10:27 But it often time today leave out the rest of it.
10:30 And Paul says, what man doesn't love his own body.
10:32 What man doesn't wash his body, what man doesn't feed
10:35 his body, and what Paul said was to be like Christ,
10:38 listen guys, you accept the daily maintenance of your
10:41 physical body, you work out, you eat okay.
10:43 We do these things, you guys took baths today.
10:46 We do this every day, and we don't take a shower and say
10:48 who thought this dumb system up, I hate this.
10:51 We don't go to a restaurant and curse God because
10:53 we have to eat.
10:54 I have to eat, I hate that I have to eat this is disgusting.
10:57 It takes up all my time.
10:58 You never do that you accept the maintenance
10:59 of your own body.
11:00 And Paul is saying the same way that you accept the
11:02 maintenance of your body without resistance, except the
11:05 maintenance of your woman and she every day needs to be
11:09 maintained, and you pour into her every day and then you
11:12 will be like God, who wants to pour into her every day.
11:15 Who wants to be seen by her every day, who wants to behold
11:18 her every day.
11:20 You know what I'm saying?
11:21 And then she will start acting like the church.
11:22 She will think you're great.
11:23 After Brad did this because I think for him.
11:27 It was so practical, he knew what to do, and it wasn't
11:32 like he had to come up with the feeling like, what does she
11:35 want, and it was so clear to him that after about a week.
11:38 And I don't think about what I can do for him just to
11:41 bring joy to his life.
11:43 Today I start thinking about that, what can I do, that
11:45 would just be exciting for him.
11:47 But you know, it is all of a sudden that love and
11:51 connection is so good.
11:54 And I thought not that I thought, we have an incredibly
11:58 good relationship.
11:59 Love him we've been together twenty years and all things,
12:02 but I was surprised how that Ten Minutes A Day how much
12:06 better it is.
12:07 Lisa and I have been doing three of those exercises for
12:12 20 to 21 years of our marriage.
12:14 So I'll call her tonight we'll do our prayer of feelings
12:18 and praises and the three we like, and will do that
12:20 tonight and tomorrow night.
12:22 So you do the ten minutes in when you're traveling.
12:24 Oh yeah, I called her when I was in Norway.
12:26 It cost about a hundred bucks to do my exercises,
12:30 but it was worth every penny.
12:32 Because it's a discipline.
12:33 God is busy, you know God is busy, right.
12:36 He's got billions of people, lots of food to manage
12:39 and that's the whole thing.
12:40 And that's just our little world, He's got
12:41 a whole galaxy, hundreds of galaxies He's a
12:43 busy guy, but He never misses a day with me.
12:45 Any doesn't make an excuse like I'm sorry son, I'm busy,
12:48 I've got galaxy to run you know.
12:50 there is bomb going off on the third galaxy now, billions
12:53 of creature are going to die if I don't show up in the
12:55 and I'll be with you in a minute.
12:56 He never does that.
12:57 And so as a man, I do not have an excuse either.
13:00 Do you see what I am saying?
13:02 Exactly, and the investment into your marriage, and I
13:06 love which are saying about once guys get this then the
13:09 deficits of women as far as their emotional connection with
13:12 their husbands is really apparent.
13:14 the truth is once a women, see men, I'm going to say
13:17 something you may not get, but men, men do not
13:20 understand, because of the way they are made, they think that
13:22 the physical relationship is well if they have the ripped
13:25 Abs, and the slick hair and nice shirt, then their women
13:27 is going to be attracted to them.
13:28 Totally off.
13:29 It really is, how funny.
13:32 Because for us, we like to package thing and
13:33 that works for us.
13:34 That works for us but for women, they are
13:37 aroused or enamored by us by emotional proximity,
13:41 how close am I to your heart.
13:42 Now see most guys do not know how to get a woman's heart
13:44 closer to them, so they struggle their whole marriage.
13:47 This ten minute marriage gets a guy to have his wife's
13:50 heart get closer to him all the time.
13:52 Well then, she is enamored by you, and hence there's more
13:56 activity in that area of your life without all the stress.
13:59 Do you see what I am saying?
14:00 It's like guys if we put oil in the engine, the engine
14:03 runs smoother oil engine oil engine.
14:05 Simple concept OK, and guys get it.
14:08 It is absolutely the most incredible thing
14:12 I have ever been through.
14:13 Just watching how simple that was.
14:15 I want to know as you pulled it together and God unfolded
14:20 this teaching for you, what kind of things
14:23 do you see in couples.
14:25 I'm just saying as it unfolds it must be huge.
14:28 Yes Will there's a ten minute exercise, and that is the
14:30 core of a relationship.
14:31 That's the intimacy but then when he cover other things
14:33 like the government of your marriage, we cover dating,
14:35 the physical relationship.
14:37 And we cover internally and externally a motivated
14:39 understand how your spouse is motivated.
14:41 So there is other things in the book that helps
14:43 kind of surround that core.
14:44 Do you understand what I'm saying?
14:45 It's like working your core muscles to strengthen you
14:48 but you still have to do some bicep work.
14:50 So there's other parts that needs.
14:52 So, what other kind of bicep work.
14:54 Let's talk about government, you know, when I asked the
14:57 question in the book, what government Art thou.
14:59 When I ask it in oh, if I say okay, what government are
15:01 you what government are, you guys aren't ready yet.
15:03 and so they look at me like well what do you mean government?
15:07 Well, how do you make decisions?
15:08 Are you monarchy, where one person controls the other
15:11 person, are you in this kind of relationship, are you a
15:14 theocracy, which then Got controls both of your tells you
15:17 what to do and you try to work that out.
15:18 But of course you hear God differently, which makes it fun.
15:21 And then are you a democracy where you vote on everything
15:24 or corporation were she gets XYZ, he gets a ABC, and then on
15:28 the big, whatever in the middle we vote on that together.
15:32 and might even have a third person on the board,
15:34 so how do you actually govern yourselves.
15:36 And just getting that visual, just getting that sense.
15:39 Just putting it on paper.
15:40 It is actually a place in the book.
15:41 I like to put things in the book is a place the book were
15:43 you sign off on what government you are.
15:44 You do make people work.
15:47 Once you decide that because as a counselor, if you
15:49 haven't decided how you decide, how can I help you?
15:52 Like suppose, Teresa and Ishmael suppose it's a monarchy
15:58 and she's the Monarch.
15:59 As a counselor I'm thinking their a democracy.
16:02 Well I can't help if you're really a monarch
16:04 and she's a monarch, I just have to talk to her.
16:06 You can go home, do you see what I'm saying?
16:08 But now Jim and Mary maybe there are a democracy.
16:10 So now we got a walk through the counseling process a
16:13 little bit different.
16:14 So, you are saying, literally look at this and decide what
16:19 kind of government we're going to be.
16:20 A lot people choose corporation were the kind of divide
16:23 and conquer kind of stuff.
16:25 But then, in a corporation.
16:26 It's different then democracy, like suppose you and
16:29 your husband were corporation and he had the gardening.
16:32 He had a garden and liked to do that, then he says to you
16:35 Hey honey I'm planting tomatoes, you say no, I think
16:37 you should plant corn, well see He's a corporation so he's not
16:41 really asking to obey you, he's just consulting you.
16:43 A whole different thing. A whole different thing.
16:46 Because he can go plant whatever he wants
16:47 and you can't say your rebellious because he
16:49 he doesn't really, that's his realm of authority.
16:52 Where if you are a democracy, you can fight about corn and
16:55 tomatoes to the point of where you can plant neither
16:56 because it's winter.
16:57 You see what I am saying? - Exactly!
17:01 Once you define that structure in your marriage,
17:03 then you can really make intelligent decisions.
17:05 And you don't have to fight near as much.
17:06 There's another support thing that we have the book
17:09 called the Ten Minute Argument.
17:10 You can make your arguments ten minutes long.
17:13 It's a simple process
17:15 It's not bleeding into every other area of your marriage.
17:17 No! But there is actually a simple method, which is
17:21 ten minutes and you identify the problem.
17:22 And then on piece of paper.
17:24 You both identify how you feel about it, going back to
17:27 feelings because a lot of arguments are feelings, I'm
17:29 feeling rejected, I'm feeling disrespected, so we are
17:32 going to argue see, write down your feelings, then you
17:34 both write down solutions that you think would work.
17:37 Suppose the problem was who takes out the garbage.
17:39 He does, she does, the kids does, no one does,
17:41 and maid does whatever.
17:42 Write down all your solutions put them together you vote on
17:45 them from one to ten.
17:46 1 being I don't like it, and 10 I really like it, the
17:48 highest number wins, you're done.
17:50 And you are done.
17:52 You write out what you decided, and you'd done,
17:54 The highest number wins. The highest number wins.
17:57 And that's real practical, it's down on paper, this is what-
18:00 And then there's actually a journal in that you can put
18:02 it in. Okay, we decided on January, of 0 blank.
18:05 This was our decision, and then you go back and
18:08 look at a later.
18:09 Look, here... We've had this argument before.
18:11 And so this is what we decided so.
18:13 Do we do to again or do we stick with the last one.
18:16 You know, what's really incredible to me is that even
18:19 in doing that even in learning those skills and
18:22 developing that, which is such a gift is that I am
18:26 moving into a relationship with you that we are
18:30 on the same page.
18:32 Like was really hard.
18:33 I think in a lot of marriages is that I am operating
18:37 here are and you're operating here.
18:39 You may think this.
18:40 I'm operating as a corporation your operating as a -
18:44 and we never talk about we never look at it as it is.
18:47 This is how my parents operated and this is how his
18:50 parents operated.
18:51 Most men, think they are monarchs, and most women think
18:52 they are in a democracy.
18:54 So that is where a lot of the confusion comes from.
18:56 Because as a man you are thinking she should just obey
18:58 me because I'm a man.
18:59 As a woman we're like.
19:00 Of course were like, God said, there's no male or female
19:03 in Christ so Jesus kind of nails that one.
19:05 So then how do we operate, so once you agree on a
19:08 government you are able to operate functionally.
19:11 And once you agree on how to argue.
19:12 You can have an argument in a couple minutes.
19:14 What happens to a person that says, to a woman says,
19:18 or to a man that says, but I feel like I'm going to
19:23 lose my ability or power in this relationship, because
19:28 what I'm thinking for a lot of guys.
19:30 I didn't see it with Brad and I as we developed our intimacy.
19:33 But for a lot of people that I work with, they think
19:37 will she respect me, will she loved me, will he listen
19:40 to me, or whatever what would you say to them?.
19:43 You have to first to agree on what structure you
19:46 are going to operate from.
19:47 What's your key is that a lot of people assume they know
19:50 what the government is and they never talk about it.
19:54 So, they are constantly swirling around, and they
19:56 haven't even figured out a structure to get that
19:59 basic thing done.
20:00 So, you are not even saying when you put it down.
20:03 Is that one structure and is better than another.
20:05 God's used every structure.
20:07 He's used monarchy throughout time, He's
20:10 used the theocracy, for a very short time with Israel.
20:13 He uses democracy all around the world, and He uses
20:17 cooperation's all around the world.
20:18 He's not afraid of this, see He is in a government.
20:21 The very first government was before time and will be
20:24 after time, it's the government of three equal inter-related
20:28 beings who honor each other and serve one another.
20:30 And marriages to reflect eternity.
20:34 Do you know what I'm saying?
20:36 So you have this interdependent different personalities
20:39 resources, different giftings, who honor each other, now
20:43 the honoring can serve one another in a equilateral way.
20:47 Does that make sense?
20:48 Most people in the flesh want to control each other and
20:53 that is where you get into trouble.
20:54 And you also lose the ability to be really be intimate and
20:58 have a love relationship with that person
21:00 you are trying to control.
21:02 And the freeing thing, what is really interesting to me,
21:04 the more that we learn skills as far as marriage.
21:08 Brad and I, the more we it is such a blast to
21:12 so be in love somebody and know that everybody is being
21:17 heard, being safe, and all that kind of stuff.
21:18 getting on the same page it's such an incredible gift.
21:22 But it takes skills to do that.
21:24 It takes skills, but not.
21:25 Most feeling skills and most people don't have that to
21:27 even be heard, because how can you hear me
21:29 if I'm emotionally constipated?
21:31 And I'm like, I got like slam the doors.
21:35 Just to get you to get my attention, like I'm having
21:38 pain so I'll slam doors.
21:39 I'm acting like twelve, and you know, I'm not, so you have
21:42 to get the skills to be able have that kind of relationship
21:46 where you can communicate your heart.
21:47 Okay, so go on to another skill, so government is one.
21:51 The government is one.
21:52 The argument is one. The ten minute argument-
21:55 You see, you use your resources to solve the problem,
21:59 instead of attacking each other.
22:00 Because most couples use their resources to attack each
22:02 other to solve the problem.
22:04 As oppose to using both resources to solve a problem.
22:07 Do you see what I'm saying?
22:09 The ten men at argument takes both their resources
22:11 and aims it at the problem.
22:12 And it really takes you away from this win, lose kind of.
22:15 You can't even bring up history.
22:17 Cause your solving a problem here's your solution to the
22:22 problem so what is your mom.
22:24 the way she treats your dad had to do with who takes out
22:26 the garbage, nothing does mean go on the piece of paper.
22:28 That's way cool.
22:30 But you should just argue to just keep you skills up.
22:34 I mean this really helps you to get the problem solved.
22:38 So if you are going to fight just to fight, you just have
22:41 to know we're just going to fight, we're putting
22:44 the book away, let's go fight.
22:46 Let's bludgeon each other just for fun.
22:49 But in Christ, that's not the way Christ relates.
22:52 He wants to hear and He wants to get to solutions, He really does
22:56 One of the other things we talk about is dating.
22:58 I remember I was doing a counseling session, and the guy
23:02 looked at me dating who.
23:04 Dating your wife, that's what I'm talking about.
23:07 I mean, I married Lisa to have a permanent date.
23:09 So planning your dates and rotating dates back and forth
23:13 for say one week.
23:14 It's Jim's day he decides where to go and what we do.
23:17 We're out for Jim to have a good time.
23:18 He's not trying to make Mary happy, it's his date
23:20 and Mary is the guest.
23:21 The next time it's Mary's date, Mary decides one hundred
23:24 percent, where she wants to go.
23:25 So she wants to take him to play checkers
23:27 at a coffee shop.
23:28 That is what they are going to do, and she's going
23:29 have good time and he's going to be a happy camper.
23:31 You just rotated back-and-forth to get the
23:33 date thing done.
23:34 Does that make sense.
23:36 So it's a fun thing.
23:37 And I think that I read a book, I think it was John Eldridge
23:43 when he was doing the wild at heart thing.
23:45 and it says were a guy says.
23:46 I'm going to rescue the damsel in distress, and once I
23:48 rescue her and she's safe I'm putting her over here.
23:51 And for a lot of marriages.
23:53 It's like for guys, you know she say she's rescued.
23:56 She is my wife I love her, and it's done.
23:59 Now I can go on with my life.
24:00 Not realizing that we need that interaction of a
24:04 every day for a wife or a husband and the date.
24:07 Not dating everyday just that interaction every
24:10 day be logged and taken out and all that stuff.
24:14 Will's good for everybody to want to because we didn't
24:15 marry each other to have mortgage payments, car payments,
24:17 manage kids, that's not why we got married, we
24:20 got married because we looked at that person and said WOW
24:22 I want to watch life, together with you.
24:25 That's what I want to now to do that.
24:29 We've got a manage all these kids and mortgages and cars
24:32 and stuff like that but that is not why I walked down the
24:34 aisle one I had no money.
24:35 You know what I'm saying I didn't have much to offer,
24:38 but she thought I was the most amazing person in
24:41 the world, and her love for me, my love for her,
24:43 that is why we got married.
24:45 So keeping that love warm is really important and dating
24:49 reminds you that you are more than mommy and daddy, it
24:53 reminds you that you are more than a taxpayers.
24:54 We are going to go on a break, and we're going to come
24:56 back and ask questions of the folks that come
24:59 to the café today.
25:00 But I want to ask you before we go out on the break, Is
25:03 that I look around and a lot of couples are really stuck
25:07 with having lost that joy that they have for each other.
25:11 That brought them to the altar, and my take on it
25:15 especially as a Christian is that the world wants a
25:19 successful relationship the world wants us to be almost
25:22 like in love with each other and all that kind of stuff.
25:25 And it's like it's a couple, it is so important to get this.
25:29 It's so important to get this.
25:30 People should fall out of discipline before they fall
25:33 out of love, see the same disciplines that got you to want
25:35 to be married, quality time, sharing my heart,
25:37 sharing my dreams.
25:39 When you got married, most of us didn't have any money to share
25:41 so we shared our dreams and prayed together
25:45 and we are close.
25:48 And so all those disciplines were happening, but you weren't
25:50 aware they were disciplines.
25:51 It's kind of like if you're playing basketball,
25:53 you don't know that you are getting an aerobic workout.
25:54 Right exactly.
25:55 Do you see what I'm saying?
25:56 And so you're doing all this discipline, but you don't
25:58 realize and then you get married and you stop the
26:00 disciplines and you fall quote unquote out of love.
26:01 I have never met a couple that fell out of love, that didn't
26:04 fall out of discipline and least a year or two before.
26:07 So, we are going to come back, ask some questions, and
26:10 really go over those things that you have talked about
26:12 in this segment.
26:14 Stay with us, and if you would like to get a pen and write
26:17 some of this stuff down is that because such good stuff
26:20 and try Ten Minutes A Day you will be so surprised.
26:24 It is amazing! We'll be right back!