Celebrating Life in Recovery

The Trailer Life

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Stacey Bekkela


Series Code: CLR

Program Code: CLR000131B

00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior.
00:04 Parents are cautioned that some material
00:06 may be too candid for younger children.
00:13 Welcome back.
00:14 My next guest Stacy Bekkela,
00:16 I just have to say when I first met her,
00:18 it was during a time in my life that I actually was afraid,
00:22 I've just been diagnosed with cancer.
00:25 You know I don't know what I'm gonna do with that,
00:27 how I'm going to act about that.
00:29 A friend of mine, Jim Moon is a pastor
00:31 was going to come in and do an anointing
00:33 and so Stacy and Aaron coming.
00:37 I know their background,
00:39 their background is coming from, you know,
00:42 kind of an alternative background like mine.
00:44 They've been damaged, they've worked in strip
00:46 or owned strip clubs and all of that kind of stuff,
00:49 and all the sudden when I realize
00:50 that they're going to be in the room during this prayer,
00:52 during this anointing, when, Stacy,
00:54 for one I want to say welcome to the program.
00:57 Thank you for having me.
00:58 When you were in the room and I looked up and I thought,
01:01 you know what, I feel like I'm looking up at my sister.
01:04 I think I'm looking up at somebody
01:06 that knows me well, and I said,
01:08 "Stacy, would you pray for me for this cancer stuff."
01:13 And you look scared to death.
01:15 That was terrifying,
01:16 very honored but very terrified.
01:18 What scared you about that?
01:19 Not knowing what to say and having to speak out loud
01:24 because my prayers were always silent.
01:28 Right.
01:29 And I know at that point because you were so new,
01:31 it's like am I good enough,
01:33 do I have the right to approach God?
01:35 Oh, absolutely.
01:36 I think that's been an issue for me my whole life
01:39 just not feeling worthy, not feeling good enough
01:42 and certainly that situation there was no difference.
01:46 I recognize that look in your face.
01:48 I mean as I said that, I recognize that
01:50 and I wanted to grab you on the face
01:52 and I think I did say to you.
01:53 Everyone in this room has something to say
01:56 and they're here because they love me.
01:58 They're here because they want to help
02:01 and they want to pray but I thought,
02:02 you know, Stacy, you know me.
02:04 We're from the same background.
02:07 I would be honored if you prayed and you did,
02:11 it was so cool.
02:12 I was just crying so hard
02:15 and putting the oil all over your head
02:18 and thinking, "Oh, her words are going to be so greasy."
02:23 No, but I got to say...
02:26 I didn't know where to place the oil,
02:28 I really didn't.
02:29 I want to be anointed right
02:30 and that was the funniest thing,
02:32 I wasn't going to call you out on that,
02:33 but now that you mention it but it was so funny,
02:35 because I wanted to be anointed and so I looked at the pastor
02:38 and I said, "Can she anoint me?"
02:41 Right, and I just felt like it was so God
02:44 and can she anoint me and I had to do the oil
02:47 and you looked at me like I have no idea
02:49 and then you just pour the whole thing on me.
02:51 I wanted to make sure we used enough.
02:54 Yeah.
02:55 Make sure that this is right. Right.
02:57 I love you.
02:59 Yeah, I wanted to do my best but yeah, it was a scary thing
03:03 just not knowing what to say and...
03:07 From that day to this day I am honored to know you.
03:11 I am honored to know you.
03:12 I have to say, I want you to kind of walk us
03:16 through your life, you know,
03:19 because you had a life that was so,
03:21 there's no reason you should be sitting here
03:23 looking as healthy and beautiful as you look.
03:27 So who were you? Who is your family?
03:30 How did you grow up?
03:31 So I grew up in Arkansas,
03:34 with the family similar to your family,
03:40 everybody doing drugs,
03:42 my mother pregnant with me at 15
03:45 with my father abusing her.
03:48 Finally she got out of that
03:49 and went to live with her mother,
03:51 my grandmother,
03:54 and I must have been may be four...
03:55 All in a big house.
03:57 Yeah, all in a bigger home,
03:59 I was about four years old at the time.
04:02 I just remember my grandma having these wild parties.
04:07 She didn't want me to call her grandma for one thing
04:10 because, she was an awful young lady
04:13 to be a grandmother at the time and...
04:15 She was embarrassed by the whole thing...
04:17 I know she loved me but yeah,
04:19 she was embarrassed to be called grandma
04:21 in front of all of her friends
04:22 that, you know, she'd throw these big parties
04:25 and you know smoking pot in front of me
04:27 was just normal
04:29 just what you did in front of children,
04:32 they would go to the other room to do other things
04:34 or send me out of the room to do the other things.
04:37 Certainly knew
04:39 that that other things were going on pretty early on.
04:42 So you're talking about pot probably,
04:45 meth probably, all of that stuff.
04:47 And for...
04:49 man, for some people they will say,
04:51 "I just don't get that world."
04:53 But you know I've seen on Facebook
04:55 where somebody is actually smoking some weed
04:58 and blowing it into the face of a one month old
05:00 or a small baby so that's some people's lives.
05:04 This is my life. Yeah.
05:06 And that was my life growing up and in elementary school.
05:11 I really loved school, was good in school.
05:16 And sometimes,
05:18 I saw it as just a nice safe place to go,
05:21 but there was...
05:22 I could be normal here.
05:23 Right there was quite a bit of education
05:26 when I was in elementary school toward drug awareness,
05:31 drugs are bad
05:33 and so I just remember thinking,
05:37 wow, when then my family is bad,
05:39 and I had a grandmother on one side of my family
05:44 that would take me to church with her
05:45 and so I was saved
05:47 and I knew Jesus from my pretty early age,
05:52 I would say maybe eight
05:55 I was saved and baptized and...
05:59 You have the, you have a grandma here
06:01 that says, you know,
06:03 "Man, somebody's got to reach into this kid's life."
06:06 You've got a grandma here saying,
06:08 "You don't call me grandma
06:09 and I'm just high all the time."
06:11 And you got a school saying just say no to drugs,
06:13 the drugs are bad.
06:14 I had a lot going on. Yeah, absolutely.
06:16 I can't even imagine
06:18 this kid's head spinning, you know, just...
06:19 I was just, I remember riding on my bicycle
06:22 through the trailer parks, you know,
06:24 just talking with Jesus.
06:26 You know, and that was very comforting.
06:30 What did you say to him?
06:31 Do you remember any of those conversations?
06:33 Sometimes they would just be conversations
06:36 that I would have with anybody,
06:38 just a friend, he was such a friend.
06:42 So now you are literally learning to adapt
06:48 wherever you are at.
06:50 Oh, absolutely.
06:51 I've always said, it doesn't matter what crowd it was,
06:54 I could fit in anywhere.
06:56 Older crowd, you know, more of a roughneck type crowd,
07:00 I could pretty much fit in wherever I needed to fit in...
07:04 You could be whatever,
07:05 whatever someone wanted you to be.
07:07 Absolutely, and I could feel fine with that.
07:09 Right. Yeah.
07:10 So what happened next?
07:12 Because that's crazy...
07:13 so far it has got to be just crazy for this kid.
07:17 My mother, she ended up doing drugs.
07:23 I was very young at the time.
07:25 I'm gonna guess I was one or two and she went from,
07:30 you know, just doing maybe here or there
07:33 at my grandma's parties
07:35 to a full blown 30 something year
07:40 habit that's ruined her health and...
07:43 Meth addiction.
07:44 Meth was her drug of choice it sure was...
07:48 Because, you know,
07:49 for someone that's not been in that world,
07:52 meth takes you to some really dark places
07:55 and you, you give up your sanity.
07:57 You do.
07:59 And so when you watched your mom,
08:01 what were the changes that you noticed in her?
08:05 For several years not anything major.
08:10 But I would say the biggest changes were
08:16 when it just became so unstable.
08:18 She couldn't hold a job or provide,
08:24 you know, you'd come home
08:26 and there be things that were pawned
08:27 or no electricity or no food in the home.
08:30 So, then about sixth grade rolled around
08:33 and I went and lived
08:34 with several different family members.
08:38 My grandmother had went away to the penitentiary for drugs
08:42 and that believe it or not
08:44 was like,
08:47 she was the stable one is what I saw her
08:52 as even though come to find out years later,
08:54 you know, she's doing drugs with my mother and possibly
08:58 the one that turned her on to the drugs and...
09:02 But as a kid she held the family together.
09:04 As a kid she seemed all together.
09:07 She had...
09:08 she was a nurse for the state, she, you know, presented well.
09:13 You would have never known it
09:15 if you didn't know those things you wouldn't know,
09:18 and she went away
09:20 I might have been in the fifth grade, sixth grade
09:22 and my mother fell apart,
09:24 and then I went to live with my great grandparents,
09:27 and going to church again and just, you know,
09:31 having meals provided
09:34 and just the normalcy of it all.
09:36 Then my mother came back to get me
09:38 when the school year was over
09:40 and it's really hard thing to talk about.
09:45 What makes it hard?
09:48 Just...
09:52 Just...
09:56 I know I cried for about three weeks every day.
10:00 Because all the sudden she comes in...
10:02 Because I had to go back...
10:03 And just...
10:05 She just, she just...
10:06 I remember the song on the radio
10:08 that her boyfriend was playing,
10:12 it was like a highway to hell song or something
10:15 and I thought and I was just crying in the backseat,
10:18 nobody even turned around.
10:20 Are you, are you okay? Nothing.
10:24 And I feel like I am on that highway.
10:27 Yeah. I have no choice.
10:28 And then when we get there.
10:30 It's another trailer park and that's fine people,
10:35 you know, but it was just, it was just a tough time,
10:41 and they were really lost in their addictions
10:44 because by this point
10:45 she started abusing drugs with needles,
10:49 and she got really paranoid,
10:51 and she would hang towels up on all with the...
10:56 In a small window
10:58 she would cover every window blankets or whatever...
11:00 'Cause somebody is looking, somebody seeing us.
11:02 Right and not allow me to go outside of the home
11:06 or you know it was a really, really hard time for me
11:12 and she agreed to let me go to church so I...
11:17 there was a church bus that would come and pick me up
11:20 but that was the only place that I could go was church
11:23 and then when school started school.
11:27 I wish right now, that we, you know,
11:31 and we get a picture when you say, I'm in a trailer.
11:34 I've got there's towels and cardboard
11:38 and stuff on the windows.
11:39 It is filthy.
11:41 They are paranoid, they're slamming drugs
11:44 and I'm trying to figure out as a kid.
11:47 And when you say blood on the ceiling explain why?
11:49 Because I know what you're saying but,
11:51 why blood on the ceiling?
11:52 That's part of the whole shooting up process,
11:54 you know, you pull out
11:56 and if you're not held off right
11:57 I guess it just goes squirting in and...
12:00 And so as a kid, you were trying to...
12:02 There was, just I didn't understand as a kid
12:04 why there was blood on the ceiling
12:05 or why certain things were like they were
12:10 but I found out later on, you know,
12:16 why those things but yeah, it was,
12:19 it just was a really, really dark, dark time.
12:22 And so school and church
12:24 is the only place that you got...
12:25 The only places I could go, and about that time
12:28 my grandmother was getting out of the penitentiary.
12:31 She had served her time, she got out earlier actually,
12:34 so I guess she didn't serve all of her time,
12:37 and she heard about the living conditions
12:40 being so poor and sent my uncle for me
12:46 because she was going to be released and she...
12:48 we were gonna.
12:49 So your bags are packed again.
12:51 Well, if I had any bags I would have packed them,
12:53 I put what few things I had into a garbage bag
12:56 and put it in my locker at school,
12:58 and my uncle was late picking me up.
13:01 He got stuck in traffic.
13:03 The plan was for him to come and get me
13:05 and then they were going to rescue me
13:07 and take me back to my grandmother
13:09 and he was late coming in and,
13:14 so I just had to walk home
13:16 and I got beat so severely that day
13:20 and not by my mother
13:21 but by her boyfriend at the time
13:24 with an extension cord and it was just awful.
13:28 But that was enough evidence for the social worker
13:32 to take pictures and the courts to,
13:35 they couldn't grant custody to my grandmother
13:37 because she was an ex-felon
13:39 but they could grant it to my great grandparents
13:41 and, so we had to go that route.
13:44 So that was enough
13:45 that's everybody said, okay, it's done.
13:46 By that time I was in the seventh grade,
13:48 yep and I mean I can imagine
13:52 just how pitiful I had to have looked
13:55 and even acted, you know.
13:58 So when you talked about earlier
14:00 that I never had a sense that I was worth anything,
14:02 I never had a sense I belonged, man, you know,
14:06 you can really see that when you said this was my life.
14:10 Now I'm in the seventh grade
14:11 where people are trying to figure out who they are,
14:13 they're kind of stepping in their own skin
14:16 and your saying, I don't even where to step."
14:18 Yeah.
14:19 You know, I don't know who I am,
14:20 I don't know where I belong,
14:22 everything I own can fit in a trash bag.
14:23 Exactly.
14:25 So what happened?
14:28 So from there...
14:33 My grandmother of course, I've gotten out
14:35 and she decided to turn her life totally around.
14:39 She wasn't going to church at the time
14:41 but you know she wasn't doing drugs either,
14:44 so that was a start
14:46 and I found my best friend in the world Brandy
14:52 and her mother would take her to church,
14:55 and so she took me and she just kind of
14:58 put me under her wing like a like another daughter
15:01 and she would joke about I should adopt you,
15:04 you know and, but she was so good.
15:07 Please, please adopt me.
15:09 Yeah, my family used to always tell me,
15:13 well, mostly in the junior high age.
15:17 Once I had started trying to figure out like how to be,
15:21 how to act.
15:22 Oh, you think you're too good for this family.
15:24 And I, if I was told that once by my grandmother
15:27 or by my uncle, never by my mother,
15:29 but I've been told that a lot of times
15:32 and it hurts to hear that,
15:37 but I guess I just kind of
15:41 tried to pick up the pieces for myself,
15:43 and I could see how, you know, the other kids were acting.
15:47 And I was just want,
15:49 all I ever wanting to do was to fit in or to be normal.
15:53 And so I think slowly overtime
15:57 I just,
16:00 was able to somewhat fake it to make it if you will
16:04 but always so insecure even today still.
16:09 Something that plagued you even today.
16:11 Always, always.
16:12 Which I got it 'cause I love you.
16:14 I just, I wish I could shake it out you know,
16:16 I know that only God himself...
16:17 I wish you could do. But I definitely would.
16:19 So, so now, you're in high school.
16:23 You are faking it
16:25 and what I want to say about that
16:27 just because I, you know,
16:29 I've been in your skin not exactly but somewhat.
16:31 When you're faking, you always feel like a fraud.
16:33 You always feel like somebody is going to find out.
16:37 So that's how you're kind of going through high school.
16:40 Did you jump into drugs or alcohol?
16:42 Not in high school,
16:43 I was accused of that by my family, you know,
16:47 because I was blowing my nose in the bathroom one day
16:48 and my uncle says,
16:50 "Oh, well, you get better not be putting stuff up your nose."
16:53 Or I'm like I've never even tried that,
16:55 I wasn't doing any of those things really good kid,
16:59 making great grades and my grandmother,
17:03 I think she truly did the best she could do at the time,
17:08 but she wasn't easy to live with and I mean...
17:13 Because of all her craziness. Right.
17:15 And I moved out at 16
17:19 and tried my first heard drug at 18,
17:25 and just everything kind of from there spiraled,
17:29 you know, the drugs, the dancing,
17:31 I mean it just all at once.
17:33 So you literally step in so you've got now,
17:36 now you're on your own,
17:38 you're living with different folks.
17:41 And you start trying dugs and you know with somebody
17:45 with that history, family history.
17:48 Then you are set up
17:51 because usually the first drug you try
17:52 you're going to be lost in it.
17:54 Yep.
17:55 And I thought I could handle it at first
17:58 but I don't...
18:01 I don't think it was possible to just handle that
18:04 because I was self medicating
18:07 without knowing that I was self medicating...
18:09 Explain to somebody what that means?
18:13 I guess at the time it made me feel more normal.
18:19 And I didn't think about all...
18:21 not that I spent a lot of time at that age
18:23 dwelling on the past,
18:24 because I didn't face all of these things
18:28 until my mid 20s like as far as getting help for them
18:31 but just kind of made me feel normal.
18:36 And then once I was addicted, then I just had to have it...
18:39 Can I, can I ask you if this was true for you
18:42 is that the first time I took a drug,
18:45 I didn't feel like killing myself,
18:46 I didn't feel odd,
18:47 I felt like somehow I was going to be okay,
18:49 and I was going to make it,
18:50 and it was like somebody turned a light on
18:52 and it was all good.
18:54 Did you feel any of that?
18:56 I felt a very huge sense of normalcy.
19:00 Where somebody says the drugs would make you feel not normal,
19:03 that's not true.
19:04 Well, the first time I ever did it I thought,
19:06 well, I don't fill all, you know loopy and it...
19:10 Yeah, it was a little scary looking back on it.
19:14 I don't feel the crust. Right, absolutely.
19:18 Absolutely and I spent five years doing hard drugs...
19:23 Hard drugs, what do you mean?
19:25 Pretty much every day, mostly meth, sometimes cocaine.
19:29 So and even just...
19:31 Marijuana was just, they're going to make daily...
19:34 No, not alcohol but for me not alcohol
19:38 but yes, marijuana and meth mainly.
19:42 So you got, you got meth going on,
19:44 and meth what it does for people
19:46 that don't know this.
19:48 It literally all of your neurochemistry,
19:50 all of your feel good hormones, all of your stuff
19:53 that makes you feel alive gets flooded.
19:56 So instead of like a little drip in your brain,
19:58 it's like a fire hydrant gets turned on
20:00 and you feel amazing.
20:02 So for a kid that's never bonded,
20:04 for a kid that is never felt that way,
20:06 it will rob you eventually,
20:07 but that initial blast of I feel good...
20:12 Right Hooks you.
20:13 Absolutely.
20:15 So you next five years lost in that...
20:18 Yeah, for five years.
20:20 Did you graduate school, high school?
20:22 I made it to the middle of my 11th grade year
20:26 and dropped out.
20:28 So how did you make a living?
20:30 I started dancing when I was 18.
20:33 I waitressed here and there up to that point
20:36 making pretty decent money waitressing
20:38 but I remember going into a club
20:42 with some friends,
20:44 never had been in one before thinking,
20:47 "Oh, well, I could probably do that too."
20:52 Like never even occurred to me
20:55 and that's the long and short of how I discovered a club.
21:01 I could imagine that all a sudden you've got this,
21:04 you know, you're a kid that never felt
21:05 like I could do anything that I'm not worth anything
21:08 but, you know, sitting in a strip club
21:11 doing meth with friends and I could do this.
21:15 Yeah, you know,
21:16 it just seemed too easy in the beginning.
21:21 Like I said, when I walked through the door with friends
21:24 and thought, well, I guess I could do this too.
21:29 The first time of course, I was really nervous
21:31 but moving on from that,
21:34 it wasn't anything super scary and...
21:39 The money is good. The money was good.
21:41 I don't have to rely on anyone else.
21:42 And I convinced myself, well, I'm not doing a lap dance,
21:45 nobody's touching me.
21:47 You know I would tell myself these things,
21:51 but really it was picking hairs...
21:53 Yeah.
21:54 Because it was very damaging to me
21:57 whether or not, I realized it
21:59 at the time being in it for five years.
22:03 So when you step into that world
22:06 because I know that eventually you meet
22:10 and marry one of the owners of the clubs.
22:14 So talk about that?
22:17 Well, he and I were both dating people that weren't so nice.
22:23 We referred to them as psychos because they were not so nice.
22:26 I dated them, oh, sorry.
22:29 And...
22:31 Because in that world, when you say that, you know,
22:33 'cause everybody has so many issues in that world
22:36 but when you say psychos.
22:38 Oh, we really, really mean psychos.
22:40 Yeah, crazy,
22:42 I feel like my psycho was a little more psycho than his
22:44 but that's okay, we don't have to do beat that.
22:49 One day he just jokingly walked over
22:51 and I was sitting at the bar
22:53 having a Dr. Pepper and he says,
22:54 we are leave up, run off,
22:56 leave our psychos behind and get married.
22:58 Just joking, you know, he was totally joking
23:00 and I laughed it off not thinking anything of it
23:03 but through the years we became really good friends
23:07 and so
23:12 once I decided to step out from the guy I was with
23:15 that was so terrible,
23:18 I went over to my husband now Aaron,
23:23 his brother had a house in the town
23:26 where I was working and I thought well great,
23:29 my cycle does not know where this location is...
23:31 So it was a safe house.
23:32 It was a safe house but went and got my cat
23:35 and that's all I really needed
23:37 me and my cat and my clothes and so yeah,
23:40 it was a safe house and...
23:43 So at the time are you still doing meth, still using?
23:46 Yes, but trying not to,
23:52 I mean for years I tried not to.
23:54 I got lost in it and I'd say
23:57 within the first year easy I thought,
23:59 wow, I'm like having a hard time not doing this
24:03 so, I mean I was always trying to stop
24:05 and I just didn't know how.
24:07 In fact, when Aaron and I first met,
24:09 he had no idea,
24:11 he just figured that I smoked a little pot.
24:14 No idea.
24:16 He drinks but he wasn't a meth user.
24:19 Never did drugs, yeah, so it.
24:21 He didn't really know exactly what to look for,
24:26 but yes, I had a pretty serious problem
24:29 and people started telling him.
24:31 Well, don't you know that she has a problem
24:33 and I mean he really didn't know the extent of it.
24:37 He said, no, I don't. Yeah.
24:39 You know, she's fine, that we're fine.
24:41 And I used to say that
24:43 and I still sometimes still say it.
24:47 I feel like Aaron saved me from myself at the time,
24:52 because I came out to live in Colorado with him
24:56 shortly after we fell in love really fast and...
25:00 Although we knew each other for years,
25:03 it just kind of all moved really fast and I thought
25:06 well, moving at thousand miles away from people,
25:08 I know that kind of saves me from doing that,
25:13 and there were a few times that I did relapse
25:16 when I would go back to Little Rock but...
25:21 Yeah, it was...
25:23 So, you know, what's really crazy to me.
25:25 So you guys fall in love, move in together,
25:27 there was a time
25:29 when God actually starts coming into the picture.
25:33 Where did that look like and I think
25:35 it came through Aaron first?
25:37 Right, Aaron knew that I knew Jesus as a child.
25:41 So when he started reading the Bible
25:44 while his dad was really sick.
25:47 His brother gives him a Bible...
25:48 His brother gave him a Bible.
25:50 The first when they got out of the clubs,
25:52 he gave him a Bible and asked him,
25:53 "Would you just please read this."
25:55 And so Aaron did, he picked it up,
25:58 he had a lot going on in life, his father being so sick and...
26:03 So I would just make sure that I would have the kids
26:06 up towards the front part of the house
26:07 so he had a peaceful area to read
26:09 because I really wanted for something to get through.
26:12 I always knew there was a missing piece...
26:14 Amen.
26:15 And what I felt like it was pretty close
26:18 to perfect life that we were living.
26:19 So by this time...
26:21 My dream life. He's working in a club.
26:23 You're still working in club, you have a couple of kids...
26:25 No. You're home.
26:27 Actually, when Aaron and I got together,
26:30 when we met in the club and when we fell in love,
26:34 he was like I do not want my girlfriend
26:37 working in the club,
26:38 shortly thereafter we were engaged
26:39 and so, no, I quit at that time
26:44 and I was a stay at home mom for about ten years.
26:47 You have beautiful kids. Thank you.
26:49 Thank you, I'm like mm-hmm. Yeah, amen.
26:52 Yes. I adore them.
26:55 So I was a stay at home mom and he was working in the club.
26:59 And, you know, his brother gave him the Bible
27:01 and he sat down and started reading it
27:03 and I always made sure let's kind of keep it peaceful,
27:06 dad is reading and when I tell the kids
27:09 and we made sure that he had some time to read
27:12 because it was really important to me.
27:14 I knew that was the only piece
27:16 that I could possibly be missing
27:18 because I had everything, everything I ever dreamed of,
27:21 I never thought I could have,
27:23 I never really thought I could have a husband
27:25 that wonderful and that amazing.
27:28 Yeah. And a home that's stable.
27:30 I mean, you know,
27:31 'cause people take that for granted
27:32 but some folks, the first time you walk in
27:35 and you know this is my home
27:37 and it's good and it's a sanctuary for me,
27:39 it's that's huge.
27:41 Yeah, absolutely I used to say,
27:44 I felt like his childhood was pretty normal
27:47 compared to mine,
27:48 but I don't know
27:49 how you can really compare one bad to another bad...
27:53 Right.
27:54 But I always thought his was more normal if you will.
27:56 So you're watching him
27:57 and he actually is starting to change.
28:01 Starting to look at, you know, who is God and who am I.
28:04 And what do I want to do in my life.
28:06 Yep... What do you think?
28:08 I'm thinking this is awesome.
28:10 He's finding God too
28:11 and I always knew I drifted away
28:13 and I needed to get back and I wanted to get back.
28:17 And so when we had a flyer come through the mail
28:21 for a Creation to Revelation seminar
28:24 and Aaron was joking
28:26 we might ignite in the seats, you know,...
28:29 Should we go?
28:30 And I said, "I would really like to go."
28:32 And we agreed let's go and we were just on fire
28:35 like we couldn't been out of the club
28:37 any sooner like that's yesterday was too long,
28:41 you know kind of thing and always knew
28:43 we didn't want to raise our family having a bar,
28:47 that wasn't something
28:48 that we wanted to be part of our life so yeah.
28:53 I don't want my girl to be dancing in the club.
28:56 Absolutely not.
28:57 And it's true
28:58 because there's a point in your life
29:00 you start to think about that kind of stuff,
29:02 so you go to this Revelation seminar.
29:05 You are walking into a church, the both of you,
29:08 I just want to smile I just want to say,
29:10 I love the way God does that
29:12 and I love the way God as our Father,
29:16 as our redeemer says,
29:18 this is exactly where you need to be right now.
29:21 I am so proud of you when you come walking in,
29:27 you hear the Word of God.
29:28 You hear Revelations, you hear teaching.
29:33 We learned a whole lot because it was a Bible seminar,
29:35 so I felt like it was about a 30 day seminar,
29:41 roughly around 30 day
29:42 so I mean, we really got into the Word of God
29:45 and I mean just on fire for the Lord,
29:49 just on fire and we met you around that time.
29:52 And yeah...
29:54 I got to actually come to your baptism.
29:55 I was...
29:57 It was amazing, amazing.
29:59 I felt so honored to have you there,
30:01 none of my family came out.
30:03 Yeah, wait, I came out.
30:04 Yeah, yeah you did and it meant the world to me.
30:09 'Cause what's really crazy is as fast as your lives changed
30:13 from that point on
30:14 is God just started revealing himself
30:16 one way after another after another
30:19 and you had some powerhouses
30:21 that came around you as mentors.
30:23 It was, it was amazing to watch,
30:25 even with the guy that baptized you,
30:27 Jim Moon with all of those,
30:29 I mean they really stood around you and said,
30:32 "You know I'm honored
30:35 to be standing here with you right now."
30:37 They were so amazing.
30:38 All of them, they were just so amazing.
30:40 Can I tell you...
30:41 Can I say what you gave me during your baptism?
30:44 Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
30:47 I get to fly and I felt like I don't know
30:50 if I would have missed out for anything
30:52 but I get to fly in
30:53 and I felt like the Holy Spirit,
30:56 you lit up the room.
30:58 I mean it was, I have never seen,
31:00 if I didn't see that little girl
31:02 running around the trailer park,
31:03 I saw her right there and just lit up the room.
31:06 I mean you were so excited to have you in God
31:10 and being baptized and all of that stuff,
31:13 and at one point she gives me something
31:15 that she wanted to give me with during the baptism
31:18 and it was her medical marijuana card.
31:23 I still have that, I look at that once in a while
31:26 because I think that what you were saying
31:28 is symbolically, even though I can legally get this.
31:32 I'm symbolically saying to God,
31:34 I really do want to surrender all,
31:36 I don't know what that's going to look like...
31:38 I didn't know how,
31:39 I didn't know how to surrender that like I thought well,
31:42 I did hard drugs for so long.
31:45 You know, this is not a huge deal to do this
31:48 and I do have a card for it, I am legal.
31:50 It's legal Right.
31:52 And I just didn't know how to not do that anymore.
31:55 I had been doing that longer than I had not been
31:59 so I, and Pastor Joe says, well you just have to say
32:05 I can't do it Jesus do it for me.
32:08 And that is what I said out in my garage
32:11 dumping it into the dumpster,
32:13 I can't do it Jesus, do it for me and dumping it in,
32:17 because I didn't, I didn't want to throw it away
32:18 and I had done that before, I had thrown everything away
32:22 and only to go back to it
32:24 and it really was turning it over
32:26 and saying, I can't do it for myself.
32:28 You're going to have to do it for me...
32:30 And thanking him.
32:32 When you handed me that,
32:33 I just wanted to laugh out loud,
32:35 I wanted to kiss God on the face,
32:36 I wanted to say in the midst of our craziness,
32:39 God is saying, I have never left her
32:42 and will never leave her.
32:44 And you know there are times that we end up relapse
32:47 and then we stumble around and God says, that's okay,
32:50 I'll stand you back up, we're okay.
32:52 And when you handed me that card,
32:54 I knew that what you were saying to God
32:55 and to the people that loved you
32:58 is you know I'm surrendering.
33:01 Absolutely, absolutely.
33:03 And it felt good, it felt really good
33:06 because it felt like a huge weight
33:09 had been lifted off
33:10 because when you try so hard in
33:13 and it's just you without Jesus doing it through you.
33:17 I mean sometimes you can make it for a while
33:19 but you really in the long term is through Jesus.
33:23 It was so cool.
33:25 So I'm going to open it up for questions
33:27 and I'm going to get back to it
33:29 because I know that there are lot of changes
33:31 and from that time of leading you guys
33:32 to a place where you guys are in the seminar being baptized,
33:36 surrendering everything and but I...
33:41 Well, let's just stay with that for a minute
33:44 because you and Aaron both
33:46 walked into a relationship with God
33:48 but you're still,
33:49 he still owns clubs at this time,
33:52 you guys are still in that whole lifestyle
33:54 and there was a lot of changes that happened.
33:57 So, and it happened really quickly it seemed like.
34:01 Yeah, lots of changes, you know, lifestyle changes,
34:06 even just downsizing, we both went back to school.
34:10 Both were in school at the same time
34:12 using the same computer without WiFi,
34:15 how crazy is that but we made it through.
34:19 You know, you said something to me
34:20 and I just laughed, that's like,
34:22 you know, just Stacy, what do you want to do,
34:26 what do you want to be,
34:28 and do you remember that conversation?
34:30 I...
34:31 What did I say at that time? I want to be a vet.
34:34 I won't say that again. Yeah.
34:35 I love animals, my passion.
34:38 Yeah. Absolutely.
34:40 And so when you went back to school,
34:42 did you go in that direction?
34:43 Yes.
34:44 So I went back to school and I thought,
34:46 well, if I could do anything what would it be.
34:49 I thought why, I don't want to go to school
34:50 for so many years to become a veterinarian,
34:53 it takes a long time.
34:55 It's hard to get into the school.
34:58 So I decided a vet tech.
35:00 So I'm a certified vet tech today
35:02 and I work with small animal.
35:03 I love that.
35:06 When people say that God says, you know,
35:08 when I give you the desires of your heart,
35:09 I'll literally you trust me and somebody says
35:14 but does he know what my desires are, yes...
35:16 Absolutely.
35:18 You know, he knew from the time you ran around as a kid
35:20 and speak on this a bit
35:24 and then we'll open it up for questions,
35:25 but some people say what was it God's fault
35:29 that all this happened to you as a kid.
35:32 Absolutely not, not God's fault that all those things happened.
35:38 I think that when he made us up free will...
35:41 Amen.
35:42 Sinners in the world and looking back on it,
35:47 I know that Jesus was always by my side.
35:50 And always trying to get the people around us
35:53 to do the right thing.
35:54 You know my family is amazing and I love them,
35:57 but in their addictions they are hurtful to each other.
36:00 But these are incredible folks, very funny,
36:03 very real and so it's like you know
36:05 I think that God sometimes steps right in front of us
36:08 over and over and over, get away from your dictions
36:11 or robbing you of your kids or robbing you of your family.
36:14 And when somebody finally decides to do that fight
36:17 like you decided to fight and to stand up
36:20 and encourage even your husband
36:22 to have that quiet time and find God,
36:25 somebody decides to do that fight,
36:26 everything changes.
36:28 And it's not always easy, the road isn't always easy,
36:31 but it's very worthwhile.
36:33 Amen.
36:34 And it can be a lot easier if you just let Jesus in.
36:36 If you just surrender. Just let him in.
36:39 Earlier every time,
36:40 so I'm gonna open it up for questions
36:41 because I know that there are a couple people here
36:44 definitely Aaron I love you
36:46 and you're hearing Stacy talk about,
36:49 you know, her journey
36:51 and you were part of that with her
36:53 but, you know, do you have any comment or question
36:56 that you would like to say to her right now
37:00 to share with her.
37:01 You know I think the first thing
37:03 that I would say as much as anything
37:06 is thank you, thank you for sticking with me
37:11 because she'll make it sound like it was so easy
37:13 and it was so like just taking the kids or whatever
37:17 but she was patient with me for years
37:20 and so thank you, thank you very much.
37:27 I think as far as a question would go
37:28 is where do you see the value now where you're concerned,
37:33 where your life has brought you to
37:35 and then like more importantly
37:37 where do you see the value going on into the future.
37:46 Would be one of the biggest things
37:50 that I feel value for
37:55 having a stable home,
37:58 teaching our children about Jesus,
38:02 putting the desire into their hearts
38:04 to want to learn more about Jesus.
38:07 So even the grace, the love of God...
38:09 The patience, the friendship, you know,
38:14 I've told the kids before little things here or there,
38:18 you know maybe they are scared to sleep in their bed at night
38:22 when they're really small, you know, just talk to Jesus.
38:25 When I was a little girl, I was scared too
38:27 but it helped me just to know
38:29 I have a friend always by my side.
38:32 So I think that's huge.
38:35 You know what's really interesting
38:36 when you say that, Stacey, and I just adore both of you
38:41 but when you say that
38:43 I think that as a kid nobody really fought for you
38:47 in what you're saying is that I really want them
38:51 to know that I'll take time to make sure that they're safe,
38:57 to make sure that this home is nurturing to them,
39:00 to make sure that they know at night
39:02 they're not by themselves
39:03 that there's a God above that loves them.
39:05 So you really are taking the time
39:07 that people didn't take with you
39:08 because of their addictions.
39:10 Absolutely.
39:11 I hope I'm doing a good job and I know I sure do love them
39:16 more than I ever loved you know, so...
39:20 I've hung out at your house. Those are good kids.
39:23 So we have one more comment or question.
39:27 Jennifer, you have joined us a few times.
39:30 What do you think about what Stacy has talked about
39:33 and do you have any comments or questions for her.
39:36 I can say that I can relate to a lot of your...
39:44 journeys through life a lot of them, and I'm so sorry
39:48 that you had to go through those journeys in your life
39:52 and my question for you would be how was your,
39:59 how was it when you transitioned your life.
40:06 Like I say sometimes not always easy,
40:11 I think for me just having the love of Jesus
40:15 when I was a child made it a little easier.
40:18 You know, Aaron never knew Jesus as a child.
40:23 So I forgot...
40:27 So you can go back to that, let me just say,
40:29 I want to go back to what you were saying, Jennifer,
40:32 because I know that you're kind of saying
40:35 that I'm transitioning right now
40:37 and I don't know how to land,
40:40 and so what you're asking her right now
40:42 is to give you something
40:44 that you can hold on to right now.
40:48 And so what she's saying is,
40:50 she's right now making that transition.
40:53 I would say, Jesus, I can't,
40:56 I need your help to keep me strong,
41:00 can't be strong for myself right now.
41:02 So please do it for me and work through me
41:04 and always thank him.
41:06 Thank you so much Jesus and...
41:08 So if you're saying that to someone.
41:11 Thanks, Jennifer, for that.
41:13 And you know what I want to,
41:14 I could say again we are new friends
41:19 and make sure you call someone, make sure that you know
41:22 that there are people around you
41:24 that would do anything to help you in this transition
41:27 and do not do this by yourself.
41:29 Do you hear what I'm saying?
41:31 I do. Okay.
41:32 You can call me anytime, I'll give you my number.
41:35 So exchange numbers, we don't do this by ourselves
41:38 and when we need to say
41:40 for people that don't know Jesus,
41:42 and they don't know the love of God,
41:44 and they don't know that is being able
41:47 until you know that call someone,
41:49 until you know that let other people around you.
41:52 So if somebody says, you know, you don't know Jesus
41:55 and you think what does that mean?
41:57 What does that mean?
41:58 Is just let someone else pray for you.
42:01 Let someone else call you
42:03 and it may be as simple as just hanging out.
42:07 Do you know what I'm saying
42:08 that sometimes just hanging out
42:10 during the break.
42:11 And this is for you, Jennifer,
42:14 during the break I asked Lorraine which is on the set.
42:18 I asked Lorraine, I know that she crochets
42:20 and would you hang out with me one night this week
42:22 and teach me a bit about crocheting
42:24 because my daughter's having a baby
42:26 and I want to make a blanket.
42:27 And sometimes it's not hanging out
42:29 and talking about deep serious stuff.
42:31 It's hanging out. It's forming friendship.
42:34 It's spending that time and connecting with people
42:37 that are not using and are not psycho.
42:40 You know what I mean.
42:42 And it's not as...
42:43 it's not as complicated as people make it.
42:46 I need you right now.
42:50 Jennifer, right now as flaky as we are, you need us.
42:56 I do. Okay, all right so.
42:59 So even I want to say that for you to tell your story
43:04 with someone like her sitting right here.
43:06 And she's looking at you like how did you get back to school,
43:09 you know, how did you all the sudden,
43:12 you have a home and you have your parents
43:14 and your kids and you're beautiful
43:16 and I know that you still feel insecure.
43:19 I'm gonna shake that out of you some day,
43:22 but you know I think that she's seeing you
43:25 and saying I'm scared right now.
43:27 You have to learn how to crawl before you can walk so.
43:32 And if you don't have any good support system
43:36 because for me it's like, well, who do I turn to.
43:38 Right.
43:40 I don't know calling on Jesus he will always be there.
43:46 He will always be there.
43:48 Were you ever, were you ever scared
43:51 that you would not make it?
43:53 Yes.
43:55 Yep, and I was also afraid
43:56 that I would never get close with Jesus again...
44:00 Because you're not good enough.
44:03 That had probably the biggest part to do with it,
44:05 not worthy, just not worthy.
44:09 We're going through this Victory in Jesus
44:12 for this whole series on grace, and one of the things it says,
44:17 and you know it's like,
44:19 do we do things to be good enough
44:22 or do we become enough because he loves us, you know.
44:28 And some people get those mixed up.
44:30 It's like I want to do more, and I want to be more,
44:32 and I want to say the right thing,
44:33 and I don't want to smoke some weed,
44:35 and I don't want to be doing this or that and God said,
44:37 "How about if you just know,
44:39 that I absolutely loved you always,
44:43 and in that love, you can rest."
44:46 Sure does give a piece of comfort to you.
44:49 Yeah, changes everything. Everything.
44:51 We're gonna take a break, and I want to come back,
44:54 and I want to ask you a few things
44:57 about your journey, and I want you
45:00 to really kind of speak into the lives of somebody
45:03 that is saying I don't know if I can make it.
45:05 And you know who I'm going to ask you
45:07 to speak into the life of, is just family.
45:10 So we'll be right back.
45:12 But I want you to think about as we take this break is that,
45:15 it is amazing to me who God is trying to change.
45:18 It's amazing to me when God says, "You know what?
45:22 I promise you if you are breathing,
45:25 You are my child and I died for you."
45:28 And so it's like let's not judge anything right now,
45:30 let's just know that God is doing the best he can do
45:33 to get us home,
45:35 and he's not leaving any of us behind.
45:37 We'll be right back.


Revised 2016-10-24