Celebrating Life in Recovery

Fighting to a High Life

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Nico Hill


Series Code: CLR

Program Code: CLR000128B

00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior.
00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material
00:06 may be too candid for younger children.
00:13 You know, we're talking about angels
00:15 and God reaching into a spiritual realm that
00:17 sometimes we forget exist.
00:19 You know, we don't even remember,
00:21 you know, where we are sometimes.
00:23 But I want to say, I was at an airport,
00:25 before I introduce you to Nico,
00:27 I'm at a airport and this woman comes up
00:29 and she's crazy, I mean she is crazy,
00:31 she is screaming and yelling
00:33 and she looks right at me and she said "You!
00:37 You know what, I can see angels,"
00:39 and everybody in the airport now is looking at me,
00:41 because she's loud, right.
00:43 And she said, "You have the biggest angel
00:45 I have ever seen around you."
00:48 And at that moment I thought man,
00:50 I hope she's not crazy.
00:52 I hope this is true.
00:54 And so, when I introduce you to Nico,
00:55 I wanted to say, I am so glad you're here.
00:58 Thank you.
01:00 But you know when I'm talking about that
01:01 whole spiritual realm, the unseen forces
01:04 when you're pulled from the abyss,
01:05 is that actual, will you actually pull them,
01:08 can you talk about that a bit?
01:10 Yes, I can, and before I do,
01:12 Cheri, I just wanted to tell you,
01:14 that in my three years of ministry,
01:16 five and a half years of sobriety,
01:18 three years in ministry
01:20 that one of the first programs I watched was your program.
01:24 And it really spoke to me, so I wanna all your viewers,
01:28 and all your partners, and all your listeners
01:30 to understand that
01:31 it works and not because of man,
01:33 but because of the Holy Spirit...
01:35 Amen.
01:36 That goes before you and speaks to you,
01:38 so I just wanted to let you know that.
01:39 Thank you for that.
01:40 'Cause, you know, you speak to something really,
01:42 really deep in me
01:43 that I can't do this
01:46 if it's not making a difference,
01:47 it has to mean something.
01:49 So thank you for that. That was a gift.
01:51 Validation and confirmation
01:52 from the governments to have in.
01:54 All right. All right.
01:56 So who are you?
01:58 Well, basically, you know,
01:59 just to let you know to paint the pictures
02:02 of the handprint of God on my life and of the enemy.
02:07 I grew up in a home.
02:09 My father is and was a Seventh-day Adventist.
02:14 To give you a little genealogy of what happened.
02:17 My mother was a praying woman.
02:22 She was though into witchcraft,
02:24 into numerology, into astrology.
02:27 She read Ouija boards.
02:29 At the same time,
02:30 she would always watch our power.
02:33 My father Seventh-day Adventist,
02:35 worked for Loma Linda Foods,
02:38 and average Seventh-day Adventist
02:40 was battling demons.
02:42 We're gonna talk about the chains,
02:45 Cheri, the chains.
02:46 Even, generationally you just talk about people carry stuff,
02:49 they don't even know, how much they're carrying.
02:51 The generational curses that are put on us.
02:54 You know, God knew us before the foundations of time,
02:57 and there's babies being born addicted,
03:00 and I understand that
03:04 this generational curses,
03:06 we have to stand in that gap,
03:07 and we have to be willing to stand up,
03:08 and say okay, god, I ran from you,
03:10 now I'm gonna run to you, I am gonna run to you.
03:12 So my father will take us to church,
03:16 but I was a beat just about everyday that I can remember
03:20 and I mean beat to a point to where
03:23 you would go to prison, and you would go to jail.
03:25 But...
03:27 So, wait, wait,
03:28 so you are saying that if somebody knew
03:29 what was happening in your home,
03:31 more than likely your dad would have went to prison.
03:33 Oh, yeah for sure, without a doubt,
03:36 I had to wear long pants just to go to school,
03:39 and you know long sleeves to cover the bruises
03:42 and what else, just, you know,
03:44 just that physical damage
03:46 but it's not the physical damage.
03:48 Really, when you're a child
03:49 you blame yourself automatically,
03:51 so I would sit in a room, and blame myself
03:52 what did I do wrong?
03:54 My mother, she was a screamer.
03:55 She would scream,
03:57 so you had these violent arguments.
03:58 I never saw him lay his hand on her,
04:01 he would take it on me.
04:02 I was the punching, the board,
04:04 you know, I was the one he would go to.
04:06 So I remember in particular one evening,
04:11 they were fighting and it was getting loud,
04:13 and I don't know, I am sure that you know,
04:15 your viewers can understand that when you're child,
04:16 you just put the covers over your head,
04:18 want to go away, want to go away.
04:21 And I was hearing about God and singing this,
04:22 " Love me, Jesus loves me this I know..."
04:24 In church
04:25 In church and getting beat,
04:27 and getting beat,
04:28 so I thought to myself where is God, who is God?
04:32 Is He gonna allow me to get beat like this.
04:35 Man, you need to stop this,
04:38 but I didn't know where to turn to,
04:39 I didn't know who to ask, and my mother walked in there,
04:42 and I guess,
04:44 she had hit him over the head with a pool stick
04:45 and he was bleeding, she was bleeding.
04:47 She would always run to me and tell me
04:49 this is what happened and your father is this
04:51 and your father is that and my father will say,
04:53 "Your mom's crazy, you know,
04:54 I am gonna get a gun and blow my head up,
04:56 I am out of here."
04:58 So this was the dialogue
04:59 that was going on in my household.
05:01 Nico, I would like you
05:03 to just kind of paint that picture a little bit more,
05:05 I see blood everywhere,
05:06 I see guns, I see people crazy,
05:09 but when they're telling you that.
05:11 How old were you?
05:14 Whether you're man or you're a boy?
05:16 No, no, no
05:17 I was a seven and half, eight years old.
05:20 And my mom came to the room
05:25 and I had the blanket over my head
05:28 and she said to me,
05:31 "Did you hear what your father said?
05:34 Did you understand what was going on?
05:37 Do you know how violent this is getting?
05:39 Do you understand how sick this is?
05:42 You know, he even wants to go get a gun
05:44 and blow his head off.
05:45 He is trying to commit suicide.
05:46 What you gonna do about that?"
05:48 I mean, and I took the covers off of my head,
05:51 and I looked at her,
05:53 just like I am looking you, I said,
05:54 "Life is a game, winners and losers,
05:56 preaches and boozers
05:57 if you ask me, it's all the same
05:59 and no one gives nothing, you must try and try again,
06:02 even though it's often to the better end.
06:04 Is there a moral to the story?
06:06 You mean after all this, can't you just fill the glory?
06:08 Is there a silver lining around that cloud
06:10 or do we go through our life, our heads bowed,
06:12 our dreams they stay inside,
06:14 the people with the power keeping our hands tight."
06:16 And my mom looked at me, and she said, "What?"
06:22 I'm thinking that too so in your stress,
06:26 and your craziness
06:28 that you literally are working at out through
06:30 what you write or those kinds of things,
06:33 so you...
06:35 that was in your head.
06:36 It's very hard to understand,
06:37 but that was the first validation
06:39 that the Holy Spirit was reaching me,
06:42 consoling me and telling me a story,
06:46 in other words, so I can relate to grown ups...
06:49 Right.
06:50 I can relate to the situation at hand,
06:53 at the same time she said,
06:54 "Where did you write that?
06:55 Where did you copy that?
06:57 How did you say that?"
06:58 And then finally she didn't say anything
07:01 and she just turned and walked out of the room.
07:03 But all that violence was quiet after that.
07:08 Everybody was stunned.
07:09 Everybody was...
07:11 Well, just my mom and I was in the room.
07:12 But, yeah, she was stunned
07:13 and I didn't know where it came from,
07:16 I didn't know who the author was.
07:18 But it's gonna make sense
07:19 when we talk later on about the journey.
07:21 So things continued.
07:24 Yes.
07:25 They get crazier. Yes.
07:27 You know, and I like that the fact
07:28 that you're going back there 'cause somebody said,
07:30 "How could you be in a cage
07:32 and beat someone almost to death,
07:35 and walk out and not think about it."
07:37 I mean you learned from very young.
07:39 You picture this,
07:41 now I am going back to my father...
07:42 Yeah.
07:44 12 years old, 13 years old,
07:45 I found this out later on in life.
07:48 He walks into an apartment,
07:51 and he witnesses his uncle blow his mother's head off,
07:57 which would be my grandmother.
07:59 Then turn around,
08:00 look at my dad and blow his head off.
08:02 I can't even imagine.
08:05 Those demonic spirits,
08:06 those chains of bondage,
08:10 and those chains of oppression that are placed upon us.
08:14 There is malicious intent by the enemy
08:16 and those are those generational curses
08:19 and they just perpetuate and perpetuate.
08:22 So that was the role
08:23 that I was on much like the demoniac in Galileans...
08:26 So, I got to say there
08:28 'cause for a lot of people that concept is so crazy.
08:32 When you watch a thread in a family,
08:35 and you watch violence or you watch anger
08:37 or you watch that kind of rage.
08:39 And you can trace it back, the enemy,
08:43 like you said strategically set you up even from birth.
08:46 Yes, because he knows that God has a plan, and a purpose.
08:52 He knew us before the foundations of time...
08:54 For each one of us...
08:55 He knows that, for each one of us.
08:56 We're all overcome by the blood of the Lamb
08:58 and word of our testimony.
09:00 There is no blood of the lamb,
09:01 there is no word of our testimony,
09:02 what is it worth?
09:04 Right.
09:05 But we don't know that at that time.
09:06 We just think we're in a situation.
09:08 There is violence, there is abuse.
09:09 Everybody is used to getting divorced,
09:11 calling it quits, tapping out,
09:12 throwing in towel, and that oppression,
09:14 those generational curses,
09:18 that demonic oppression,
09:20 spiritual solitary confinement
09:22 to where those voices of the enemy
09:25 get louder and louder.
09:27 And I was just starting to see the very beginnings of that.
09:31 And understand that there is the belief
09:34 that Seventh-day Adventist is the belief,
09:35 if somebody believes in God,
09:36 trying to live their life as a good Christian,
09:39 but is beating, and stealing,
09:42 and cheating, and lying, and drinking.
09:45 But let me just go back to where you said,
09:47 that unseen world or the enemy is that,
09:50 when you hold on to Christianity on one hand
09:53 and your rage in another or your addictions in another.
09:57 The shame that wells up and you just causes more rage,
10:01 more anger, more acting out.
10:02 So you're threatening suicide. Right.
10:04 So now you're threatening in suicide
10:05 and you're beating your kids and all that kind of stuff.
10:07 There is no way that the enemy
10:09 will let you hold down to those two things,
10:11 and I really believe that I love the way you that
10:14 you said is that in our home even the enemy was screaming,
10:19 is screaming that none of you...
10:21 But the door was open. The door was open.
10:23 Yeah.
10:24 The door was open
10:25 and at the same time you mention that,
10:29 you know, there was many times
10:31 where I had to talk to my father
10:32 out of blowing his brains out, he would have a gun,
10:36 and he would have a conversation with me,
10:37 a rational conversation...
10:39 As he is holding the gun.
10:40 Yeah, and matter of fact there was one time
10:41 I walked into the garage,
10:43 they just had a fight and argument.
10:44 He was cheating on her all the time.
10:46 And she was taking all kind of prescription drugs.
10:49 My brother was born addicted to the prescription drugs
10:53 and had several operations,
10:55 as he was six years my younger.
10:57 He was kicked under the carpet
11:00 and I was the one that was everything was going to go to,
11:03 you know, whatever my mom
11:04 and my father are coming to me,
11:06 she was gonna be telling me about
11:07 what was going on in the situation
11:09 and you're not a child, you never had that opportunity.
11:12 You know what that's like,
11:13 you don't grow up as adolescent having a child.
11:16 I don't know what that feels like...
11:17 You didn't know what that feels like.
11:18 No, you're immediately thrown into the adult world,
11:20 and you have no business being there...
11:22 Right.
11:23 And the enemy knows that... Right.
11:24 So he uses every little thing and you know,
11:27 I think that you can't serve two masters,
11:28 you gonna love one and hate the other.
11:30 But we'll serve, we were saved to serve,
11:33 we were born to serve,
11:34 that's exactly what we're here to do is to serve,
11:37 to be a servant,
11:38 a willing humble obedient servant.
11:39 And that's an incredible thing to say
11:41 'cause what you're saying is in my anger
11:42 and my rage, and in that craziness,
11:44 I looked up and the one who was standing there
11:46 waiting for me to serve him was the devil himself.
11:49 This is exactly right,
11:50 and I say that with all honesty,
11:53 just to be candid because it's important
11:55 to cut cuts deep...
11:57 Yeah.
11:58 The scars are deep.
12:00 The wounds are there until
12:03 we are covered by the blood of Jesus.
12:05 So, you go from this little seven, eight year old,
12:09 that has to start figuring out,
12:11 how am I going to make everyone survive.
12:13 How am I gonna keep this all together.
12:15 And I am sure that your father's rage,
12:18 your uncle's rage, your grandfather's rage
12:20 just went right into your hands, here...
12:22 I never obviously met my uncle because he committed suicide.
12:26 My grandmother was murdered by him
12:28 so I never met her either.
12:29 My father picked up friends along the way
12:32 and would see something good about them or vice versa.
12:35 And I knew my father grew up very hardy,
12:38 joined armed forces, lied about his age.
12:41 He had no business having kids.
12:43 He had no business having kids.
12:45 But at the same time
12:47 because you've a child does make you a father.
12:49 And I don't want a demon as my father
12:51 because I love my father,
12:53 and the Bible says, "Call no other man,
12:56 father but me, I am your father."
12:58 This is your earthly father, but I am your father.
13:01 And that's, that gives us our life back,
13:03 I mean for some people that's the most important thing
13:06 that they will ever get.
13:08 So you went from this kid.
13:10 What was your next part of that journey?
13:12 What did you do next?
13:13 Well, I went from couch to couch
13:16 and I was molested,
13:19 you know, I was taken advantage of.
13:21 I would stay at people's places
13:23 just because I was good in sports
13:25 and they would offer me a place to stay,
13:27 you know, they would offer me a room to be in.
13:30 And, you know,
13:32 I got to a point to were I was like,
13:33 you know, I am gonna go back to my dad.
13:35 So, and I've got to just say this
13:38 'cause you know what I saying is that
13:40 for kid that needs someone to be real
13:44 and to love us.
13:45 We are really set up by our Peta files
13:48 and perpetrators
13:49 because we just need that
13:50 they know that we're easy marks.
13:52 We can be groomed easily
13:54 and what you're saying is
13:55 because of all this craziness,
13:58 you were literally moved around and groomed by somewhat.
14:02 Well, as a young child, I mean, you know,
14:04 if you're looking at Playboy
14:05 or your looking at Penthouse,
14:07 you're looking at any one of these magazines,
14:08 they are always around my house and much,
14:10 much worse much, much more graphic.
14:12 That becomes a norm, that becomes a norm.
14:14 I was staying with the prostitutes
14:16 when I was a little child
14:18 'cause they had a place for me to stay.
14:20 And you just see so much,
14:22 but, you know, I decided,
14:24 you know what I am gonna become an athlete,
14:28 I'm gonna dive into martial arts...
14:30 How old now?
14:31 At that time, I was about 7, 8, 9,
14:33 about 10, 13...
14:35 Okay...
14:36 Between 10 and 13,
14:37 I started to box, I started to...
14:39 As I said,
14:40 I was gonna stay with my father,
14:42 and this is the point where
14:45 I believe the enemy really came at me.
14:48 As he wasn't there,
14:50 it was my dad's fiancée and she had said,
14:55 "Where is your father?"
14:56 And my mom had just dropped us out,
14:57 we're just busy with my mom.
14:59 My brother went, go to sleep.
15:00 I stayed up,
15:02 and she said, "Where is your father?"
15:04 I mean, you know he is cheating on me,
15:05 he is this, he is that.
15:07 She is just demonizing him in front of me.
15:09 I don't want to say anything,
15:10 she is drinking, smoking,
15:13 and then she seduces me in my father's bed.
15:19 And after the deed was done,
15:21 the guilt and the shame...
15:24 Was off the chart...
15:25 I couldn't even breathe.
15:27 You know, when you talk about,
15:28 the enemy comes in and it literally says,
15:31 "I'm gonna chain you up where you can't even move."
15:34 And those kinds of things is like
15:37 you can feel the difference.
15:38 Shame you, break you,
15:42 then take you.
15:44 Killers don't destroy,
15:46 but you don't know that unless you read the word,
15:48 you don't know that unless you're in the light...
15:50 That's right.
15:51 So you're just wondering why is this happening to me?
15:54 And then, you find your sanctuary,
15:57 you find your worship in art and sports and business.
16:01 And whatever it is you're gonna crime,
16:04 whatever you gonna do, you're gonna do it all the way.
16:07 That's what you worship, that's what you believe in,
16:09 that's what you live, that's what you breathe,
16:10 that's what you eat.
16:12 And yours was fighting
16:13 Yes, martial arts, boxing
16:15 and from that it progressed to, you know,
16:19 high school but in high school,
16:21 I was only there to play football,
16:22 I wasn't there for, I didn't cared,
16:23 I didn't graduate high school to be honest with you,
16:26 didn't graduate high school.
16:27 I knocked out the PE coach
16:30 because...
16:31 When you say,
16:32 you knocked him out, you knocked him out.
16:34 Knocked him out, yeah 'cause he...
16:35 I was gonna say,
16:36 there might be a term that you're using,
16:38 but I'm thinking you just...
16:39 Yeah, knocked him.
16:41 He was actually trying to come
16:44 at one of my step sisters,
16:46 she told me about it.
16:48 So he decided to get physical with me
16:51 and he went to sleep, and I didn't graduate.
16:54 So now what am I gonna do, you know,
16:56 I had all this martial arts background
16:59 and I decided, you know what,
17:03 I will go ahead and do movies
17:06 because the entertainment field was calling,
17:09 I was doing extra work
17:10 and went for being non-union extra
17:14 to actually being a principal
17:16 in probably over 30, 35 action films.
17:18 'Cause you were in Bloodsport movies...
17:20 Bloodsport 2.
17:21 Yeah. Yeah.
17:22 So and I just like to say that 'cause someone says,
17:24 I decided to do movies,
17:27 you literally stepped into that world.
17:30 That's the whole thing...
17:31 Very comfortably
17:33 That's exactly right,
17:34 because that is the power of the mind.
17:36 Yeah.
17:38 The power of eye,
17:39 I am gonna do this, I am gonna do that
17:41 and the enemy will welcome you in with open arms,
17:43 welcome you in with open arms...
17:45 Just long as it's not recovery, I'll give it to you.
17:46 As long as it edifying,
17:48 uplifting the evil and the darkness,
17:50 and the brokenness, and the hopelessness.
17:52 But I was flirting with the demons.
17:56 I haven't made my bed there yet.
17:57 So, I was doing the movies, I didn't even know who I was,
18:00 Cheri, because playing so many different parts,
18:02 taking out so many characters,
18:04 and you become that character
18:06 and then the ego, and the pride,
18:08 and worldly entitlement and the arrogance,
18:11 it just becomes a part of you,
18:12 it just becomes the part of you.
18:14 And then the voices,
18:15 the voices that are telling you,
18:17 you know, things that are not right to do,
18:19 and things that are negative,
18:23 and things that are dark,
18:24 and things that, you know,
18:26 you need to just go here
18:27 and do this and be with that person.
18:29 Those became very, very loud
18:31 because I decided that,
18:33 hey, I am gonna be a A list motion picture,
18:38 you know, action star, that's my life,
18:41 that's were I am going and when that fell apart...
18:44 And fell a part because why?
18:46 You know, I like to say, I am a self-destructor.
18:50 I go into things,
18:52 I achieve a certain amount of success...
18:55 now what? Right.
18:57 Now what?
18:58 And I also see the hand of the enemy,
19:03 but I also see the hand of the Holy Spirit.
19:06 Because the enemy will build this up,
19:09 tell us lies,
19:11 feed you a five course meal on a five star hotel...
19:14 Give you five or six lines of...
19:16 And then tear you down,
19:18 and kick you to the curb,
19:20 and laugh when you take your last breath.
19:21 Yeah.
19:23 So and I didn't know that at the time.
19:24 So now, I am going from movies and I've got,
19:27 you know red carpet treatment in everything.
19:29 But let me just say
19:30 'cause people will see that red carpet treatment,
19:32 they'll see that kind of stuff.
19:34 But they don't see those darker doors have opened up.
19:37 They don't see what we can jump into a relationships
19:39 or sexual stuff or drugs or whatever.
19:42 I think that it's almost like a hidden reality.
19:47 But, man,
19:48 when you step through some of those doors,
19:50 it's a whole another world.
19:51 You can't really bring the Holy Spirit
19:57 with you in some of these situations
19:59 to where you have to be sold out to the enemy,
20:02 you have to be sold out to the darkness,
20:04 and if you think about it,
20:06 the strategy is amazing
20:08 because you are at the lights, camera, action,
20:10 you got all this flashing lights,
20:11 everybody wants to know your name,
20:13 just like in church, you know.
20:14 And you're celebrity, you're well known
20:17 and you fall in love with that.
20:19 But when you look in the mirror
20:21 and there is no one else around.
20:23 You know who you are.
20:25 And you see that person who is broken,
20:27 who was molested, who was beaten,
20:29 who has generational curses,
20:31 who has the weight of bondage upon him,
20:33 who can't even breathe,
20:34 who hates themselves, hate themselves,
20:37 you're headed for a very bad ending.
20:41 So what happened
20:43 'cause man, I want to root for that kid?
20:46 What happened 'cause it doesn't get better,
20:49 you end up taking that crash in that industry,
20:54 the entertainment industry.
20:56 Where do you go from there?
20:57 Well, I had a television series called Boom on Spike TV
21:01 and we blew up inanimate objects, you know,
21:05 and that was shortly lived
21:08 and when that felt apart,
21:12 you know, I said to myself
21:15 and I've done all these movies,
21:17 I was married twice.
21:19 I had more girlfriends that I can count,
21:22 I just wasn't happy with anything...
21:24 Drugs, alcohol all that stuff...
21:26 Alcohol was there...
21:27 Okay.
21:28 I was an alcoholic. Okay.
21:32 It gets real dark and you know it, Cheri,
21:34 you know exactly what I am talking about.
21:36 So I was flirting, I was dancing with the demons.
21:40 I wasn't flying with the angelic angels.
21:43 But, you know, if there was a holiday,
21:45 you could find me in church you know.
21:48 But at the same time, I wasn't sold out,
21:51 I wasn't fully surrendered.
21:53 And I'm in the entertainment field,
21:55 I have got everybody telling me,
21:56 oh, you're gonna do this, you're gonna do that,
21:58 and this television series gonna do this and that.
22:00 And when it all goes away
22:04 and you're in the privacy of your own humanity,
22:07 you either fight for the light or you die in the darkness.
22:11 And in that time of my life I consciously said,
22:15 "Okay,
22:19 I'm going into that dark world,
22:21 I'm gonna become a drug addict,
22:23 I am gonna overdose and I'm never coming back."
22:27 But in your mind, and can I ask you
22:32 'cause there is a part of that decision
22:34 for yourself even that feels rational,
22:37 it is like the enemy takes us to a place
22:39 where we're saying stuff like that
22:40 and we think we are making sense.
22:42 Broken promises, shattered dreams,
22:47 just life in general.
22:49 We know who is the Prince of this world.
22:51 Yeah.
22:53 The bells, the whistles,
22:54 the triggers, the shadows,
22:56 the images, the voices
22:58 and it's the little foxes that spoil the vines.
23:03 And I was at a point in my life where I was like,
23:07 I am done with people,
23:09 I am done with this world.
23:12 But I know another world.
23:13 And I'm gonna jump into it. Yeah.
23:16 So you did...
23:18 Yes, I did and, you know,
23:23 I started to do more and more drinking,
23:26 more and more drinking,
23:28 passing out, passing out.
23:29 And I was introduced to crystal meth.
23:34 And let me just say
23:35 because even where you were at initially,
23:39 you no longer will fit in that world
23:41 because you're now funneled
23:43 into a world that's even darker.
23:45 Yes, you extricate yourself out of that world,
23:48 and the scariest thing is
23:49 when you make a conscious decision
23:52 to go into that dark world,
23:54 to go into that world of addictions,
23:56 that world of demonic possessions,
23:59 spiritual solitary confinement.
24:01 If you go into that world with malicious intent,
24:04 it's like seeing at a table
24:06 and I don't know
24:07 if your viewers or your listeners
24:09 understand what Russian roulette is.
24:12 And they take a gun they spin it
24:13 and it's up to what they call fate where you live or die.
24:17 Yeah, there is a bullet somewhere in there.
24:19 Amen, there is a bullet somewhere in there
24:21 and at the same time,
24:22 I was playing a triple threat Russian roulette.
24:25 I wanted to die I just didn't have,
24:29 I just I understood that
24:31 if I blew my brains all over the wall,
24:33 that what family I did still have would see that.
24:37 And at those generational curses
24:39 would then go into them...
24:41 So you're thinking, you know,
24:43 from this little boy that was seven or eight is,
24:45 I don't want to do what my dad,
24:47 I don't want to that.
24:49 So it was really solemnly in there for you
24:52 but you're saying man,
24:54 "I'll take myself out at that in another way."
24:55 Cheri, I used to take my head and smash it against the wall
24:58 till I was bloody.
24:59 I would take my fist
25:01 and just crack, crack, crack
25:04 knock myself out and look at the mirror and go,
25:07 man I hate you, you're nothing,
25:10 you will never be anything,
25:11 echoing those lies of the enemy
25:15 and I don't look at people and say,
25:17 "Oh, it was your fault."
25:18 No, you were open to the enemy,
25:21 the enemy can use you.
25:23 You haven't made a decision yet.
25:24 You haven't made a choice yet,
25:25 you are still walking on that razor's edge.
25:28 The enemy will use you
25:30 to come against God's children.
25:31 So, you step into meth and that's a scary world
25:35 'cause I have friends that I love
25:38 and they stepped into that, and man,
25:40 it's almost like I can watch them disappear
25:42 right in front of me.
25:44 It is the drug that opens up the gateways to evil.
25:50 Anything that you thought you might not do,
25:53 because of compassion or empathy or sensitivity
25:55 towards what would be innocent is gone, it's gone.
26:00 And it starts out subtle, one day becomes one week,
26:04 one week becomes one year,
26:06 and before, you know it,
26:08 everything you have, everything you loved,
26:11 everything that you ever loved you...
26:12 Is gone...
26:14 Unconditionally it's gone,
26:17 it's gone and you have the enemy,
26:19 and you have evil to fall back on.
26:21 And for me once I started to do the crystal meth,
26:25 I was introduced to the world of dominatrix,
26:30 and the world of darkness as a bodyguard,
26:33 a protector of nefarious dark evil characters.
26:36 And I won't even give the people the credit
26:38 of mentioning their name, nor will I do that anyway.
26:40 Right.
26:41 But I won't even give them the power, that authority.
26:44 And so, as a bodyguard, as stepping in,
26:47 you are watching things become so twisted
26:53 because that's a twisted world.
26:54 I liked it...
26:56 People are paying for abuse,
26:57 so paying for...
26:58 Yes, it is, and people
27:00 that walk in there with suits and ties,
27:02 and big wallet full of money.
27:06 And I won't go into the detail what they ended up doing
27:08 and subjecting themselves to but I would watch it
27:12 because it was up to me to protect
27:14 the evil that was there.
27:16 They were slinging drugs,
27:18 they were doing all these different things,
27:19 mind control,
27:20 wrapping people up in plastic,
27:22 poking a hole, putting a pipe in their mouth,
27:25 smoking till they didn't even know their own name,
27:27 or where they came from, or who they were.
27:29 Pornography playing everywhere.
27:31 And you know in those kinds of worlds
27:33 they will take you almost to the point of death.
27:36 There is something worse than death
27:38 and that's living with the dead spirit.
27:42 That's powerful. Yeah.
27:44 And so, Nico, say that again and explain that.
27:55 Go ahead.
27:57 Yeah, when you have no more love for life
28:02 and you're spiritually dead
28:03 and the world is beating you to a point to where
28:06 you rather be dead but you can't,
28:09 you don't have the guts to even...
28:11 I won't even call it guts but you can't do it...
28:14 Right, you got to breathe again...
28:17 That the Holy Spirit is constantly reaffirming you,
28:21 reassuring you,
28:23 but you just shut it out, you shut it out.
28:25 When you can't hear that voice,
28:27 when you can't see that light,
28:29 when you can't throw that compassion,
28:32 when you're all by yourself and if you die,
28:35 there would be nobody
28:37 to even carry your ashes or bury you.
28:41 That's a point in your life for.
28:46 You're better off just as far as the enemy
28:49 and in the darkness sometimes expiring...
28:53 It feels that way.
28:54 It definitely does and I can relate to that,
28:57 the walking dead, the walking dead
29:01 but the same time God never,
29:05 and I know this, I know this,
29:07 God never stops pursuing His children.
29:13 How do you know that?
29:14 'Cause I'm listening to your story
29:16 and I am thinking that
29:17 there is got to be a million people
29:19 watching this program that says,
29:20 "Are you kidding me, you think God was there."
29:23 And what you were saying in your spirit
29:25 and even looking back is he was right there.
29:27 There's a...
29:29 I wouldn't have survived...
29:30 There is a priceless gift,
29:32 a lot of people overlook it.
29:35 It's free world.
29:37 It's free world.
29:39 God said, "You do what you are going to do.
29:41 The choices you make, the chances you take,
29:44 my son, my daughter will determine your faith.
29:48 But I will be with you, every step of the way.
29:52 But I gave you that,
29:54 I gave you so you can love me unconditionally."
29:57 That's right.
29:58 That's...
30:00 those choices,
30:01 that free will can take us to some very dark places,
30:07 but don't think for a moment.
30:10 That God is not knocking on your heart,
30:13 don't think for a moment,
30:14 that Jesus walked up that mountain on Golgotha,
30:16 took those nails
30:18 because He didn't love you,
30:22 because He didn't love you personally,
30:25 but I didn't know that.
30:26 And the enemy is so good at whispering,
30:28 lies and deception,
30:30 and you know are you no good, you'll never mount to anything,
30:34 nobody believes you...
30:35 Not even God Himself.
30:37 I wish you won't even born.
30:39 So how did you get...
30:40 Nico, how did you get from that place?
30:42 I am trying to beat my self senses
30:46 and how did you get from that place
30:48 in the middle of that world,
30:49 in the middle of a meth addiction
30:52 to where you started to look up and there is light.
30:56 I mean I can't even...
30:57 right now, I can't even imagine it.
30:59 You know,
31:02 that quick,
31:03 that quick you could be dead...
31:05 Yeah. That quick.
31:07 It's not us, Cheri,
31:10 it's not us,
31:11 it's the Holy Spirit that stays there,
31:14 that angel that protects us
31:17 because we have it for purpose,
31:19 we have a plan.
31:21 We do, you did. Yeah.
31:23 You did and God was like,
31:26 I got you, don't trip.
31:29 I got your back, but you know what,
31:31 I am gonna let you make those choices
31:33 because you got to learn.
31:35 And then one day once you've learned
31:37 how much I love you, how much compassion,
31:39 how much empathy, how much sensitivity,
31:42 then you gonna be able to tell other people about it,
31:44 I trust you, you are a fighter.
31:46 You'll get through this,
31:48 so when I was in that darkness in that drug addiction.
31:51 I walked away from the evil, but I did something even worse.
31:56 And you're taught about prisoner of wars,
31:59 they find out that the battle is over.
32:01 They get out of their cages,
32:02 where they have been beaten and tortured and humiliated
32:05 and they go back to their families,
32:07 they go back to their loved one,
32:09 but you know what,
32:12 I found out that the battle was over.
32:14 And I was free to go,
32:15 but I turn right back and went into the cage
32:18 and locked and started beating myself
32:20 'cause I still hated myself.
32:24 So at that point in time,
32:26 is when God started to reach me through poetry.
32:30 And if you have ever see a puzzle,
32:32 you need to see the picture
32:34 in order to put that puzzle together.
32:36 That's absolutely...
32:37 Right... Yeah.
32:39 But can you imagine putting that picture together
32:40 or the puzzle together
32:42 when you don't have a picture.
32:43 No.
32:45 So, here I am in this world with nefarious dark characters.
32:48 That's like clowns from out of town hanging upside down.
32:50 And God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ,
32:55 our creative Father thought enough of His child,
32:58 who was broken, who was lost,
32:59 who was addicted,
33:01 to start to give him words of compassion and empathy
33:05 You know in the midst of that craziness,
33:07 'cause I have heard some of the stuff you've written
33:09 and it's just is incredible.
33:11 So in the midst of that craziness,
33:13 God gives you a couple things.
33:14 Can you share one with us?
33:16 I can, I can
33:17 but I also want to let you know
33:19 that it was written in chronological order.
33:21 Okay.
33:22 If you can imagine over a decade,
33:24 it went from your spiritual, your physical suicide
33:28 to the calling to be my soldier to the fact that
33:31 we have an angel that protects us.
33:33 And one word at a time
33:36 through years and years and years of abuse,
33:39 5150 bipolar clinically pronounced dead in a room
33:45 where no one else is around so how is that happened.
33:47 It doesn't, your heart just stop.
33:48 For people who don't know
33:50 5150 is a psychiatrical literally thrown in.
33:52 You're just like...
33:54 how low, how much lower can I get.
33:59 And I hate even to ask that because the devils say,
34:01 "Oh, wait, I can show you some stuff."
34:03 Well, you know,
34:06 I realize one day when I looked in the mirror,
34:07 and I'll get into that, I spoke a word for you.
34:11 This will give it a build up. Okay.
34:13 I looked into the mirror and I was,
34:17 I am about 210 now,
34:18 I was probably about 145-150 pounds,
34:21 why emaciated drugs
34:25 told the story on my face, on my hands.
34:28 My hands shook like this, I couldn't put sense together,
34:32 I couldn't brush my hair, I couldn't brush my teeth.
34:34 I had nothing but,
34:35 I was like an animal living in the tombs.
34:38 Right, it's horrible.
34:40 And I looked in the mirror,
34:43 and I realize the monster
34:45 that I was running from not only lived inside,
34:48 but it was me.
34:51 And I had to finally put those pieces
34:53 that God had been written, writing on my heart together,
34:56 and I started to recite them,
34:57 and recite them, and recite them
35:00 and I started to make sense,
35:02 and I knew that he was calling me.
35:04 At that point in time,
35:05 I smashed the mirror, I smashed the glass,
35:07 it was all around me.
35:08 Went into my room
35:10 and locked the chains that were in my room.
35:13 I had glass pipes,
35:15 paraffin inhaler on the floor with drugs.
35:17 I smashed the drugs with my bare feet
35:20 and I smashed the windows and the people
35:23 that were staying there,
35:25 they left because they thought
35:26 I was gonna tear everybody up and take myself out,
35:30 and I stayed in this room bleeding
35:33 and tears pouring from my eyes,
35:36 and the enemy telling me you're no good to me anymore.
35:38 You dare to keep kids from being raped
35:43 and molested on my watch.
35:46 You dare to keep what you think is innocent
35:49 from being attacked on my watch.
35:51 I thought you were sold out to me.
35:55 I don't need you anymore.
35:57 You can blow your brains out now.
35:58 You can take your life.
36:00 And I thought finally,
36:02 finally I have peace, finally...
36:05 I get out of here.
36:07 And that little voice
36:08 that have been speaking to me the entire time
36:10 since I was that eight year old child
36:12 all through my addictions, all through the darkness,
36:14 all through anything that I have done in my life.
36:18 Hey, I love you,
36:21 he say get up.
36:23 He said, "You think you're gonna be dead
36:25 on the floor or you gonna get up
36:27 and you can walk out that door and you gonna be my soldier."
36:30 And I said, "God if you are real,
36:32 if you can hear me,
36:34 I want peace of mind that surpasses understanding.
36:37 I want a roof over my head.
36:39 I want food in my stomach,
36:40 but more importantly I need to resource,
36:43 so hat I can restore..." I need to tell someone.
36:46 And from that day, five and a half years ago,
36:51 you know, but in that room,
36:54 I'm bleeding from head to toe,
36:56 I saw Jesus on the cross in my head
37:01 and he just simply said in a whisper,
37:04 just in a whisper,
37:05 "My children don't love me,
37:07 they don't believe I was resurrected.
37:10 They think I am still on the cross."
37:14 I said, "Okay."
37:19 I surrender.
37:21 So one of the poems that he's written on my heart.
37:26 Actually I was gonna do couple
37:28 but one was called crying
37:31 and it was really about, you know,
37:34 the love that God has for instance.
37:35 "Here I am God and once again,
37:39 I make the choice to stand on my own.
37:42 The innocent Christ coming
37:44 from my mother's womb to as fallen,
37:46 beaten, confused, addicted child that
37:48 stands before you that
37:50 slowly give away pieces of his very own soul.
37:53 Your beautiful colors,
37:54 they're drifting in and out my mind
37:56 and heavenly music plays Lord,
37:57 but the truth is as you can see just out of time.
38:01 So please don't ask me why
38:03 if I'm gonna lay down my head tonight,
38:04 I know I will never wake to breathe,
38:07 to laugh, to cry
38:08 so take me away to a place I can finally be.
38:12 Take me away to a place that you prepared
38:15 that I will never again want to leave.
38:17 For I remember once
38:18 when you told me to go and seek out the wise men.
38:20 And when I do sit down and ask them,
38:23 did he truly have a plan and a purpose
38:26 for someone like me to do.
38:28 How long before I was to realize
38:29 the wise man was in your word,
38:31 your truth, your light,
38:32 your sacrifice,
38:35 your resurrection,
38:37 it's always in forever been in you.
38:39 And yet, here I am God
38:42 and once again I'll make the very wrong choices
38:43 to stand on my own.
38:44 Four corners in darkness
38:46 that all that my eyes can now see,
38:47 I realize this is my destiny.
38:51 So please have mercy, have sympathy,
38:53 have compassion on a fallen,
38:55 beaten, confused addicted child like me.
38:57 I hear the voices, I feel the chill,
38:59 Satan taunts me, all this demons harms me
39:02 and the tear of the new day is all that
39:03 keeps me alive.
39:04 I only exist at this moment in this place
39:07 for my own suicide.
39:10 He said, "No, here I am God,
39:12 you never left me alone.
39:15 I can hear your angels singing,
39:17 your Holy Spirit spoke to me gently,
39:19 he said, "Turn around my child,
39:21 get up and go back home."
39:23 So please ask me while
39:24 when I lay down my head tonight,
39:25 I will look into your eyes and I will reply,
39:28 I cannot wait to wake up,
39:29 breathe, laugh, and cry
39:31 for you are my before, you are my after,
39:34 you dried all of my tears.
39:36 You gave me your laughter,
39:37 you held me in your hand,
39:39 you guided me from the child to a man.
39:41 And now, I know in my heart
39:43 there will be a day when I will see you again,
39:45 and this time in heaven's time.
39:47 It will never end,
39:49 and that's one of the many 75,000 words
39:52 that he downloaded on my heart.
39:53 Well, I got to say, is even with that...
39:55 really that awareness said, you know,
39:58 it's almost like I am accepting my death,
40:01 but your death was actually your life.
40:04 It's like you are gonna walk out of this room
40:07 and I want to have you come back
40:09 and at the close and talk about that second one.
40:13 But before we get there is that
40:15 you got up and walked out of that door.
40:18 And so the last five years, you know sober like you said,
40:21 five years in ministry, three,
40:23 we have a little bit of time so take us there
40:26 'cause I know you're a powerful man of God
40:29 wanted to step into the lives of other people
40:31 that are struggling and telling them
40:33 you don't have to.
40:34 That's right.
40:36 You know, God needs no one to finish his work,
40:39 he allows us the honor and the privilege
40:42 to be an ambassador for him,
40:45 so that we can reach souls, point him to the cross,
40:48 so one day we can restart our own self.
40:50 He's always giving, always giving so
40:54 when that moment it happened,
40:57 I took all my drugs, all my paraffin inhaler,
41:01 everything that was in the room
41:04 and there was holes in the walls
41:07 and I mean blood and everything.
41:08 And I just sat there and I thought was that real,
41:14 did that really happen?
41:16 I need to get high.
41:18 I am fainting, it's only a dream.
41:20 I have been doing this, you know, for over 10 years.
41:23 You know they say that,
41:25 "An apple a day keeps everyone,
41:27 but the demons away," and it's true.
41:30 And...
41:31 That's a powerful statement.
41:33 Amen, amen.
41:34 Rock bottom you start the day you got them.
41:36 You know the journey, you've been there
41:39 and there was a knock at my door,
41:41 and it was the dealer.
41:45 And I thought...
41:47 Does he just get angry at the enemy.
41:48 I am angry that he says,
41:50 that moment the knock at the door
41:53 it's like are you kidding me.
41:54 Give me a break.
41:56 You know like a cop knock.
41:57 Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
41:59 They don't bring donuts
42:00 early in the morning or did they?
42:01 But now I train cops.
42:03 So now you literally are trying to make that decision
42:08 knowing that, you know what,
42:10 everything is kind of screaming inside you
42:12 and the dealer is at the door.
42:14 The great controversy, I mean it was in my room.
42:16 Absolutely.
42:17 Evil, darkness, light,
42:18 redemption, forgiveness,
42:20 hate, anger, sloth, bitterness,
42:22 it was right there, all that was there.
42:25 And I'm sitting in the middle of it.
42:27 Am I on the streets
42:29 or am I on the wings of an angel?
42:31 So what happened?
42:33 Did you answer the door? Yeah.
42:35 I opened the door and you know he says,
42:38 "Hey, what's up dragon.
42:40 You know
42:42 I got what you want, you got cash?'
42:45 I am like, "Yeah, I got cash," I had the cash.
42:48 And this little voice was saying,
42:49 "Remember your promise."
42:52 That was it.
42:53 He'd already written, God's soldier on my heart.
42:55 I already knew what the calling was.
42:56 I already had the papers in my hand
42:58 from the governments of heaven.
42:59 I knew what I was there to do, so did Satan,
43:02 that's why he put the chains of bondage on me
43:04 when I was a child.
43:05 I knew it, but at that time
43:06 I was like, "Yeah, here's the cash,
43:08 so why I got to go cross town to get it."
43:10 I said, "Okay, let me just write you a check then.
43:12 And if you drop it I am gonna break your nose
43:14 and he know meaning that
43:16 ain't gonna happen right
43:18 and he looked at me
43:21 and he said a couple of choice words.
43:24 Signed it which didn't really come out with me
43:27 disrespectfully like that in those days,
43:29 so I took off his glasses
43:32 and I looked into deep into his eyes.
43:33 And I said, "I know who you are,
43:35 and I appreciate you're coming back at me like that,"
43:39 but I don't want them, I don't need them.
43:41 And here's 20 bucks you can either...
43:43 get yourself some food
43:45 and here's a jacket in case you're cold.
43:48 But you need to go and never come back.
43:50 Now from that day,
43:51 I actually end up staying in a drug dealer's house
43:54 who told me I will not sell drugs to you.
43:57 You can stay here for free.
43:58 Watch my back, but I will not give you drugs.
44:01 So I am gonna stop you right here.
44:02 We are going to go out
44:04 and this is the end of the segment,
44:06 the end of the program.
44:08 I love you, I love that you're here,
44:09 I loved that we made some difference in your life,
44:12 and I love that
44:13 you're out there working for God.
44:15 But we're gonna take a break, we're gonna come back.
44:17 I would like Nico to come back with us.
44:20 That last thing that he wrote
44:22 one of the last things he wrote,
44:23 I want him to share that with you,
44:24 but I also want you to tell us a little bit more.
44:27 So stay with us and know that
44:29 God is bigger than all of this stuff.
44:31 It's amazing
44:33 and he will pull you right from the abyss.
44:35 We'll be right back.


Revised 2016-09-29