Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Adam Schutte
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000120A
00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addicted behavior.
00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material
00:06 may be too candid for younger children.
00:11 Welcome to Celebrating Life in Recovery.
00:13 I'm Cheri, your host.
00:14 You know, there are some kids
00:16 that from very beginning they had--
00:18 they don't even have a chance.
00:20 They are full of violence,
00:21 their families are full of drama,
00:23 they end upon the streets
00:24 and gangs all of that kind of stuff.
00:26 And when you go out to even say that I don't care
00:29 it's either my life or your life
00:30 and that's all good with me,
00:32 how do you rescue some one like that?
00:34 God is good at it. Come join us.
01:04 Welcome, this whole season
01:06 we have talked about how to maintain your recovery.
01:08 And for a lot of us you know, I came out heroin addition,
01:11 I came out of all kind of stuff which is that part of
01:14 it was kind of easier than what I'm dealing with now,
01:17 because that part of it I just don't have to--
01:19 I just don't go by heroin, I just don't drink alcohol,
01:23 I don't just-- I don't smoke anymore
01:24 but what about that daily stuff getting me through.
01:28 You know, just your daily struggles
01:29 and all that kind of stuff.
01:30 This week we're gonna be looking at optimism or hope
01:33 and we gonna look at it in there whole
01:35 a lot of different ways.
01:36 One of them is I read the story one time
01:38 and there were 33 miners in Chile that got,
01:41 that got trapped in a mine for 69 days
01:45 and they had the hope that somebody was up there
01:49 trying to get out them.
01:50 They had to have hope that they will be rescued,
01:52 that they would be pulled out all of that kind of stuff.
01:54 And so the first thing they wanted to do spiritually
01:56 is look at the fact with our optimism is that
01:59 we got somebody out there, that is pulling for us.
02:01 We got somebody out there that knows where we trapped in,
02:04 knows all that kind of stuff and every day I have to know
02:07 there is a God, He is crazy about me,
02:09 delights in my recovery and has my back,
02:11 until sometimes even though I don't have the answers
02:14 I know that God does and I know that
02:17 He will not stop until He finds me
02:20 and on some day as that's really tough
02:22 because I can get in to some pretty dark places.
02:24 And so now I have to that hope with that optimism about that,
02:27 there is another thing is that I was--
02:31 I had a lot of stuff
02:32 that followed me into my recovery.
02:34 You know, I came out of you know, dysfunctional home,
02:37 I came out of a lot of addictions,
02:39 a lot of junk like that,
02:40 there is a lot of molestations all of that
02:42 was very real in life,
02:44 but you know, I also had attachment disorders,
02:46 bonding disorders,
02:47 my family has some bipolar stuff
02:50 in it all that kind of thing.
02:51 So I didn't even know, what do I have in my pocket
02:54 and I have to have hope that God even knows that,
02:56 that genetic predispositions,
02:58 that junk that I'm gonna walk with,
03:00 all of this stuff that I'm gonna have to come out of,
03:02 I'm socially underdeveloped,
03:04 I don't know how to eat with some one,
03:05 I don't even know how to do that basics stuff
03:08 but God did knows that about me
03:10 and I have to have hope or optimism
03:12 that we are even gonna deal with odd stuff.
03:14 And so I want to introduce you to my guest this week,
03:16 we are going to share his journey
03:19 and see what he is done with some of that.
03:21 And so Adam Schuttle,
03:22 I just have to say welcome to the program.
03:24 Thank you for having me.
03:25 You know, when we-- when they talk about
03:27 having that hope with some of those real issues,
03:29 you really understand that.
03:31 Yes, I do.
03:33 I directly relate optimism and hope with faith itself,
03:38 especially if you're coming
03:40 and you're trying to change you're life,
03:42 I think there is a lot of places
03:44 especially churches that teach that
03:48 we are humans, so you just gonna sin,
03:50 but it takes away God's power when you are taught that
03:54 if you don't think that God can change you
03:57 how He is gonna change you?
03:58 So what you're saying in your own life
04:00 you had to believe that God actually is gonna do a change?
04:03 So tell me about it, when I first heard your story
04:06 I wanted to just sit with you and cry,
04:09 'cause you came from some pretty difficult time.
04:11 So start even from the beginning
04:13 what was your life like?
04:15 Well, start it now early on I can remember
04:20 my father would just beat my mother daily,
04:23 and I can remember this back even when I was two,
04:28 three years old when most people
04:29 can't even remember that far back,
04:30 but I remember that.
04:33 I remember just him beating her on a daily basis.
04:39 She would go to the hospital a lot.
04:42 And you know, that was just those are my first memories.
04:45 Did you get a sense of wanted to help her,
04:47 like you should be able to do something?
04:48 I-- believe it or not even at two, three, four years old
04:52 I put the blame on myself.
04:54 I thought it was my duty to protect my mother
04:56 and I thought I had failed her for not being able to do so
05:00 even though I was literally a toddler.
05:02 And I just, I carry that over even to this day.
05:07 I feel you know that,
05:11 and its completely unreasonable,
05:12 it's on-- it's you know, I was a little kid.
05:15 But it was so real.
05:16 Its yeah, but it's so real and I still feel that creeping,
05:20 every once at a while up that I put pressure on my myself
05:24 that its just some thing completely unrealistic,
05:27 that it would be my duty to do that.
05:28 But yeah, that was it I yeah,
05:31 I would see my mother being beat
05:32 and I would blame myself
05:34 and I would take the guilt and the blame,
05:36 like it was fault directly.
05:38 And so did your-- did your dad,
05:43 did your dad ever beat you?
05:44 I mean did that? My step father did.
05:48 So your dad left eventually.
05:49 Well, how old were you when he left?
05:51 I was four years old and my mom had
05:53 to just completely go off the grid.
05:55 She had just-- Safe house, all that stuff.
05:57 She had to just leave
05:58 and not let him know where we were.
06:00 It was that dangerous sort of move
06:02 and I'm sure she probably
06:04 wanted to do that a lot earlier but--
06:07 I have to just say for a lot of people
06:08 that don't understand that kind of environment
06:10 'cause I have-- for one I understand that environment
06:12 and I had people that tell me of that
06:15 is that as a kid your are so hyper aware of all of that
06:20 and knowing that you are so little,
06:21 you can't make a difference but wanting to.
06:24 And there your mom is literally moving you out
06:27 getting you in safe house,
06:28 trying to protect you from a father
06:31 that could maybe even take your guys life
06:33 if you were found.
06:34 Yeah, I think that was the threat on her was me
06:39 and then at my sister
06:41 I think she trying to leave him one time,
06:43 he kidnapped us and then so I think
06:46 the treat even after she had gone to the point
06:48 where she was ready to leave, it was he was using us
06:51 as a bargaining chip to blackmail her
06:53 you know, and keep her there.
06:56 So once you finally made that you know,
06:58 the courageous decision to leave we had to just leave
07:01 and just not come back
07:02 and not let him know where we are.
07:05 Crazy, yeah. That was crazy.
07:07 But then she ends up finding somebody that just as abusive.
07:10 Sadly because, you know, she had her issues too.
07:14 And so yeah, she got into another relationship
07:18 and same story except, you know, me and my sister
07:23 were included in the beatings and the abuse
07:27 and you know, I still being mad at myself
07:34 because I didn't take care of the first situation
07:37 when my real father was beating everyone.
07:40 I didn't took on the role where I thought
07:42 I was the only being beat even though everybody else was,
07:44 but in-- I as far as I aware
07:46 it was just me but that was my job.
07:49 My job-- I take it on for you guys.
07:50 My job was to take it
07:52 for everybody else that was my job.
07:54 I didn't do it before, so I did it now.
07:56 And I was glad to do it.
07:58 There is a plenty in your life
07:59 that you had to take on that incredible anger or rage.
08:03 When did that start?
08:05 Because you know I see this kid I first feeling guilty,
08:07 but at one point you must say you know,
08:09 what I'm just angry, this is not fair.
08:11 Yeah, it wasn't fair, why did I have to do this?
08:15 Everybody else is gets away.
08:16 Why do I have to take care of my mother?
08:18 Why do I have to do this?
08:19 You know, and then so just bitterness was coming up.
08:24 The major point was when I actually found out that,
08:27 the rest of the family was being beat also
08:29 and so I remember--
08:33 My grandma came over for dinner one time
08:36 gave my sister a hug and she quenched
08:39 and she is like what's wrong?
08:41 And she lifted up her shirt
08:42 and she had bruises down her entire body.
08:46 And then the quote from my stepfather
08:47 was I did a good job, didn't I?
08:50 And so the next day I went to school
08:54 and pleaded with the counselor,
08:56 I was in fifth grade at the time.
08:58 I pleaded with the counselor I was like--
09:02 because in my mind I was still supposed
09:03 to be protecting them and I'm still failing.
09:05 So this is my last day effort.
09:07 I'm gonna pull someone else in.
09:08 I'm gonna pull somebody else in.
09:09 We need some help.
09:10 Yeah, because I thought I was doing my job.
09:12 I thought I was being the one that
09:14 was taking all the beatings but its not working.
09:18 So I went to school and I don't know
09:20 what the issues were with this person at the time
09:25 but I told him the story and very vividly
09:29 I still remember this is his quote to me in his reaction.
09:33 Well, there is nothing I can do about it
09:35 so the best thing for you to do
09:36 is just pretend it never happened.
09:40 Wow. And that was end of it.
09:42 And you know, how much did it take
09:46 for you to step up and say something?
09:48 You know, to break all of that kind of stuff,
09:49 realizing that this is I have no other choice in there
09:52 for someone to say just pretend it didn't happen.
09:55 So you know, are you kidding me?
09:57 Yeah, and that was the moment
10:00 that something just broke inside of me.
10:03 I remember thinking I hate that guy,
10:11 and then I hate my mother,
10:13 and I hate dad, and I hate my mom
10:15 for making me take care of my sister,
10:17 and hate my mom, and hate my dad
10:19 for doing what they did to me.
10:20 I hate my sister because it's not my job
10:22 to take care of her.
10:23 Why do I have to take care of her?
10:24 I just resent and I'm angry at everybody.
10:26 And I just hated myself the most of all
10:29 because I just couldn't protect them all.
10:32 What was wrong with me?
10:33 I was just disgusting
10:35 and just this insanely bitter hate
10:39 just started to just blacken my soul
10:42 from that moment on--
10:44 Up until you know, just grow--
10:46 Even as your talking you really I can sense
10:50 what that did for that child in that moment
10:52 just saying I'm done, I'm done.
10:53 It's horrible, yeah.
10:55 I mean I was in fifth grade and I just completely
10:57 just started to detach from reality
11:00 because I just couldn't take it anymore.
11:01 Yeah, what did that look like
11:03 when you said detach from reality?
11:12 I couldn't handle my life anymore,
11:15 but I still had to live it.
11:18 And so I just started in my mind creating a person,
11:24 creating places that could takeover
11:27 and live my life for me,
11:28 because I can't do it anymore, it was too much stress,
11:31 it was too much pain and too much hate all the time.
11:35 For some people they're gonna have no idea
11:37 the level of intensity of stress that,
11:39 that has to be in your life for you to say
11:41 I fragmented at that point
11:42 literally fragmented detach from myself
11:45 became something else or jumped in to a fantasy world.
11:48 That's huge but you actually say
11:51 I almost felt the moment that happened.
11:54 I did because it was just,
11:56 it was like night and day in my personality
11:59 before I went in tried to get help in after words,
12:01 it was just I was done that was all I can take.
12:05 And you know, going in to be an teenager
12:10 I would like everybody else I did you know drugs
12:13 and partying like that,
12:15 but I because I'm not just trying to feel good,
12:19 I'm trying to forget. And so--
12:23 I'm not doing this for entertainment.
12:25 I wasn't doing it for entertainment
12:26 and I was doing as much drugs, I was doing any drugs,
12:30 I was drinking as I could
12:31 because I could not be alone with my mind.
12:34 I couldn't think, I couldn't be there,
12:35 it was too much.
12:37 And so I would literally get to inches
12:40 before overdose every single day
12:43 just to try to num my mind enough
12:45 to where I didn't have to think.
12:47 Because I hated myself that much
12:50 and still taking it in--
12:51 That this is probably inappropriate
12:53 for me to do right now,
12:54 because you are you know, trying to tell the story
12:56 but I just want to say I'm so sorry
12:59 because even listening to you I see this little kid
13:02 that wants somebody to say
13:04 well, somebody just do the right thing.
13:06 Well, somebody just come in
13:07 and step in and do the right thing
13:09 but now you are at the point where you given up,
13:12 you are so high that even if they did at this point
13:14 it wouldn't even matter
13:15 and you got really maliciously angry too.
13:19 Yeah. During that time.
13:22 I got real violent, really, really violent.
13:24 I just because all I like felt from the moment I woke up
13:29 and until the moment I went to sleep it was hate.
13:33 I used to like sleeping because it was the only time
13:34 I could get rest for myself other than that be in high.
13:41 And so I really look forward to going to sleep at night
13:43 but I just I was so angry and I grew up in a you know,
13:48 in a place where that was okay, it was okay be violent,
13:51 it was okay to be you know, just go out there
13:57 and have the attitude that kill or be killed.
14:00 So explain that to some people they're gonna have no idea
14:02 what you are talking about,
14:03 and some people they know exactly
14:05 'cause they have grown up in the same place.
14:07 Just grown up in a lower class neighborhood
14:09 that's how everybody was, you had to survive.
14:13 And it's almost like oh, you went beat somebody
14:15 yeah, come on give some knuckles.
14:17 Good job, yeah.
14:18 Good for you. It was rewarded.
14:20 Yeah, and even lie and manipulating
14:22 all that kind of stuff the more out there
14:24 we can get somebody can say
14:25 well, good for you let's go out and do some thing tonight,
14:28 but it is that that's where I get accepted,
14:30 that's where I get rewarded, that's where my family is
14:33 and the only one that actually is decent right now
14:35 is that people that are maliciously
14:37 acting out in you huge ways.
14:38 Its like the whole world turns upside down.
14:42 So you are in the midst of that?
14:44 Yeah and-- and it wasn't just me,
14:47 it was me and my friends we all had the same attitude.
14:50 I just you know, I was little bit worse than them
14:54 but we used to-- this was our hobby
14:56 where we would go, we would get high,
14:58 get drunk whatever you wanted to do
15:01 and we would drive around town,
15:02 wait for people just walking down the road,
15:05 just people we've never seen,
15:06 never met, never will see again.
15:08 And we would beat them senseless to the point were
15:11 they needed to go to the hospital.
15:13 And it didn't matter you whether they lived or die,
15:15 this was an evening for fun?
15:17 Yeah, that was the only release we could have from the pain.
15:22 So-- and like I just have to say
15:24 'cause I know that right now as were even taping this
15:28 so there's a three kids who just got arrested
15:32 for killing a guy from Australia.
15:34 He was just out jogging and they waited
15:37 for someone to go by and they killed him.
15:41 So is that same as that you know,
15:42 when nothing makes sense
15:44 when the world doesn't make sense,
15:45 when nobody is releasing any of this junk
15:49 we will resort to some pretty violent things.
15:53 And you are daily going out was,
15:56 you know, what don't walk by me
15:57 'cause I'm looking for some of that to cause.
16:00 And as soon as we're done we got in the car
16:01 and then just went it and did it again.
16:04 We all got the point where we had so much hate
16:09 and we have been hurt so much
16:12 that we didn't want to be hurt anymore.
16:15 So we just wouldn't have feelings
16:17 'cause if you had feelings you would be hurt,
16:20 whether they were good or bad, we just did what the bad ones.
16:23 So we sacrificed even the good feelings for the bad,
16:25 and so we chose to feel nothing as opposed
16:28 to even have the chance to have our trust
16:33 you know, hurt again and violated.
16:35 So the only thing you were actually feeling
16:36 was an adrenaline rush, when you felt the rush.
16:40 Yeah, it was just a release.
16:44 So a little about that life, were you still going to school?
16:47 Were you still--
16:49 That was-- when it got really bad
16:51 I was actually already had graduated.
16:53 I wasn't going to college, I was just trying to forget.
16:59 Were you in at a jail yet?
17:00 Were you in hospital?
17:02 Did they put you okay, talk about some of the stuff
17:05 that really came in to your life
17:07 because of that violence?
17:09 Well, because of that, that really puts you,
17:10 you know, in a really high risk situation at all times.
17:15 I just want to add also part of the reason
17:17 I was doing that is 'cause I hated myself so much
17:21 like I was explaining and I was constantly suicidal.
17:25 I had tried to kill myself on a number of occasions
17:29 and it got to the point where there was something
17:36 that wasn't letting me die.
17:39 I realized now its God.
17:41 At the time I didn't understand that,
17:43 I just thought I'm trying to kill myself
17:46 this is all I want because I just want
17:47 to be release from this pain.
17:50 So a lot of times when I would go out
17:53 and do those violet things,
17:54 I would-- there were times
17:55 I would out by myself in to violent neighborhoods
17:59 hoping to see somebody who I would hurt
18:02 and then they would kill me.
18:03 Because I couldn't do it myself,
18:05 it wasn't I was trying and isn't working.
18:08 So I would go in to these violent situations hoping
18:11 that somebody would kill me
18:13 and a lot of it was that too, I just wanted to die.
18:18 I just couldn't take it any more.
18:19 So I could just see you right with somebody,
18:21 you know, with a gun or anything
18:23 and just saying what do you think you scaring me?
18:24 Shoot me, go ahead and I could, I could see that
18:28 and that happens-- that happens.
18:31 And so you've done stuff like this.
18:33 So now you are in those situations,
18:35 you are literally trying to get yourself killed
18:39 and not no jail, no mental health,
18:41 no hospitalizations none of that?
18:44 Because how did you say off the good in that way?
18:48 Well, it was a matter of time and I didn't it was just,
18:50 this was just before eventually just,
18:53 you know, it all close in on me,
18:57 it just, it got really bad because there was a time,
19:02 right around that time I started--
19:06 I remember one time I took my sister
19:07 some where in my car,
19:10 but we had to pick something at her house first
19:11 and so I went in and I went outside
19:14 but I had left the lights on
19:16 and so when I came back out the car wouldn't start
19:19 you know, no big deal the car wouldn't start you know.
19:24 But just that little situation I--
19:29 my reaction was I ran to the backyard in the dirt,
19:31 cold up in the fetal position
19:34 and I don't know how to explain it
19:36 I just completely shut off the outside world.
19:40 And those situations more often
19:43 and more often were happening,
19:44 and happening, and happening
19:45 and I was just literarily I was still conscious
19:50 but nothing well just going on.
19:52 I just couldn't take it any more.
19:53 It's almost like you're driving a car on a trip
19:58 and you are so tired
20:00 that you have somebody else takeover
20:02 and that's what I would do.
20:03 My life was so tiring that I was still on the trip
20:06 but I had somebody else drive for me a while you know,
20:08 here I take over for a while--
20:10 So almost went to a catatonic stage--
20:13 I'm not gonna feel, I'm not gonna interact,
20:15 I don't see you anymore and I'm in the safe place
20:19 and the safe place is far from your reach,
20:22 you can't reach me here, you can't touch me here.
20:25 And I would go inside my mind
20:27 and one of the side effects of doing that
20:30 though is somebody else had to be in control,
20:33 but I couldn't be, I couldn't take it anymore.
20:37 So my mind created a part of me
20:41 that could takeover and could live
20:45 when I couldn't take it anymore.
20:48 Are you talking about literally having that
20:51 that fragmentation in the split personality
20:54 where you other, you have created other personalities
20:56 that can step up and say, I will do it for you?
20:59 Yeah, I created them to protect me.
21:02 What's really like even saying that,
21:05 now Adam, its really interesting
21:07 because some people don't realize
21:09 what that means to fragment,
21:11 to be so and so much torment
21:14 that you will consciously or unconsciously
21:17 create some an entity a person,
21:20 and I think the devil himself says,
21:21 oh, good I will takeover I will do that for you.
21:24 Could be.
21:25 You know, so you split taken other personalities,
21:28 you can literally have some other personalities step up
21:31 and go back in to your life.
21:33 And then I can rest, finally.
21:36 And that's all I cared about and so at first I liked it,
21:42 I just I love the situation,
21:44 I created a part of me that would protect me,
21:46 look out for me while I could just relax
21:51 and not have to deal with it for a while--
21:55 Its interest in when you, when you tell me that story,
21:57 its interest in that you tell it
21:59 with such a conscious awareness of telling of doing that.
22:02 I mean you were very consciously aware
22:04 and even of your rest
22:06 and what you are gonna say is bad part of was what?
22:09 The bad part was is the other part of me
22:12 that I created was just pure violence and pure evil.
22:15 And had the no conscience like I said
22:19 and just did horrible things whatever I wanted.
22:23 But I didn't mind that in of myself
22:25 because-- You got to rest.
22:27 And they were there to protect me
22:28 and no one had ever done that before.
22:30 Right, so almost for the first time in your life,
22:33 you could say thank you
22:34 even though it was incredibly violent.
22:39 And so I over lifted all and--
22:42 So what happened with that?
22:43 That's pretty-- that's that gives to be
22:45 in some really crazy territory.
22:47 Yeah, it gets to the point
22:48 where you're just around violence all the time
22:50 and other violent people
22:51 and eventually you just got come to ahead,
22:56 there was a point where I just happened
23:00 to cross paths with somebody,
23:02 you know, who is just as bad and hateful as me
23:05 and when you get two people like that together
23:07 and a volatile situation.
23:10 He tried to jump me, we gotten afraid--
23:14 So both of you are looking at each other like you know,
23:16 what to get of here you gonna have to kill me
23:18 and you are saying you know what I'm okay with that.
23:22 And even though I never met him before I could just see that
23:24 because I knew.
23:25 You saw that craziness in him too.
23:27 Because I had it.
23:28 And so--
23:30 So what happened?
23:31 We got in to a fight, I ended up wining the fight
23:36 but that wasn't the end of it and I just would escalate,
23:39 and escalate, and escalate further
23:41 and further so we had
23:44 you know, we just had this horrible violent confrontation,
23:47 and there is a point where I'm in my car
23:52 and he is trying to pull me out and I hit the gas,
23:54 and he gets ran over and he dies.
23:59 Wow. And, yeah.
24:04 Even at that moment, at that moment
24:06 because of your pain and where you been
24:09 that was not a big deal, was it?
24:13 Not at the time, it is now.
24:15 Now that I have changed, this is you know, horrible--
24:18 I'm gonna go ahead and take a break
24:19 because I want to come back and talk to you not only about
24:23 what happened next and what happened with this,
24:26 but how did God ever reach you
24:29 because right now you are hiding behind all of this anger
24:32 and all of this evil.
24:34 We're gonna be right back, stay with us.
24:37 My heart breaks, for Adam it breaks
24:39 for all of the folks that have had to hide
24:42 and take care of everyone there
24:44 until they just snap,
24:45 but stay with us and hear the end of the story
24:48 because it's pretty amazing what God's able to do.