Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Wayne Blakely
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000119A
00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior.
00:04 Parents are cautioned that some material may be
00:07 too candid for younger children.
00:12 Welcome the Celebrating Life in Recovery.
00:14 My name is Cheri, I'm your host
00:15 and this is a friend of mine Wayne Blakely.
00:18 Wayne, you're coming out of the gay culture,
00:21 are you ever tempted?
00:23 I think you're gonna have to watch the show to find out.
00:25 Oh, man. Come join us.
00:56 Welcome, this season, you remember
00:58 we were talking about the book Celebrations,
01:00 it covers everything, from choices to exercise,
01:05 to liquids or you know, all the kind of stuff,
01:07 how to take care of yourselves,
01:08 physically, mentally, spiritually.
01:10 Right now we're on integrity and I hate that.
01:13 You know, what I hate about it and I am gonna go into that
01:16 because what I hate about it is that it really does
01:19 call us to look at who we are really.
01:22 And I am gonna tell you-- start out with story
01:24 and the story I loved, there was this mother,
01:27 she has this little boy and she adores him
01:29 but he's not following her advice on what to eat
01:31 and he's eating too much sugar and stuff
01:33 so she takes him to Mahatma Gandhi.
01:36 Right, she takes him to Gandhi and says,
01:38 you know, tell him not to eat sugar.
01:40 And Gandhi looks at her and says,
01:43 no, you know, bring him back in a month.
01:46 And the mother is like, she's got so angry like,
01:49 bring him back in a month?
01:50 I did this track to see you, I brought him here to see you
01:54 and what do you mean, bring him back in a month?
01:56 And so he says, bring him back in a month.
01:58 And so she does, a month later she brings him back.
02:01 And He leans over and he gently takes the little boy's hand
02:04 and he says, you know, don't eat so much sugar.
02:07 And the boy is delighted, he loves him
02:10 and he walks away.
02:12 And the mother's like,
02:13 why couldn't you do that last month?
02:14 I mean, what's the deal with that?
02:16 And he said, I couldn't because last I was eating sugar.
02:20 And I thought oh, shut up, how fun is that?
02:22 It's says so integrity
02:24 is don't tell someone to do something
02:26 that you are not doing yourself,
02:27 that you are not-- that's not really who you are,
02:30 all of that kind of stuff.
02:31 And so I am gonna tell you something that it's so hard
02:34 that at one point I thought, I am just gonna tell you,
02:38 and when I first started ministry
02:42 I had not remembered years of my life.
02:45 I mean, when somebody says, what was your school like,
02:48 elementary school?
02:49 I don't remember.
02:50 You know, I remember a few incidences,
02:52 a few more or less times I got beat up,
02:55 I mean, that kind of stuff, times that I got really injured
02:58 or whatever but I don't remember the day to day stuff.
03:01 And about family life,
03:03 I remember some really tragic stuff
03:05 but I don't remember the day to day stuff.
03:07 So in recovery, you know, I have these stories
03:11 that I've told over and over and over again,
03:13 these things that have happened over and over and over again.
03:16 And there was a point in my recovery,
03:18 years into my recovery, I had even sat with
03:20 authors in the beginning when we wrote
03:22 Miracles from the Street and they would ask me,
03:24 Cheri, what year did this happen, you know.
03:28 And so I am thinking, who knows.
03:30 Like you know, my sister and I hitch-hike from
03:32 New York to California, we were kids,
03:35 you know, all the stuffs that happened on the trip
03:38 and all that kind of stuff and they said what year?
03:40 And I said, I don't know.
03:41 They said, well, try to think, do you remember anything,
03:44 anything that was on the radio or television and whatever?
03:46 And I thought, you know, we stopped in Oklahoma
03:49 and we were at the world's fair,
03:50 not the world's fair but the state fair.
03:52 We were at state fair, President Ford was there,
03:55 and he had just been-- somebody tried to kill him
03:57 just recently from or whatever, some Manson follower.
04:01 And so I made a joke at the fair and I said,
04:04 what if they think new are here to kill the president?
04:06 You know, I don't know why I thought that was funny.
04:08 But I cracked up and all the sudden
04:10 we are surrounded by secret servicemen.
04:12 I mean, it was like they got us right away.
04:14 Well, I remember that.
04:16 So somebody checked the year,
04:17 when was Ford at the Oklahoma state fair,
04:20 what year was it, all that kind of stuff.
04:22 And so a lot of times I would actually
04:25 get dates of events from that kind of stuffs,
04:28 sitting down and brain-storming and al that.
04:30 But when somebody says, well, when--
04:32 how old were you exactly when you got kidnapped
04:35 by a motorcycle gang, by the bikers?
04:38 And I am thinking, okay, I think I was like 14
04:40 but I am not sure because I am a druggie.
04:42 And I want to say that to you guys,
04:45 I am a druggie, I don't know, was it Tuesday,
04:47 was it Wednesday,
04:48 what is 20 years ago or 50 years ago.
04:51 I don't know.
04:52 I mean, that whole time was just lost to me.
04:54 We tried to figure it out.
04:56 So as I am going into recovery I read this book
04:59 and the guy says,
05:00 in your recovery try to think about
05:03 something that was delightful in your past.
05:06 Try to think about something that was healing in your past.
05:08 And so I tried to think of that and I remember thinking about,
05:11 at one point my mom and my mom, you know, all the memories
05:17 I had were pretty kind of twisted and,
05:20 but I just kind of tried to do a suicide attempt,
05:22 I injured myself and I got braces
05:25 and all kind of stuff on,
05:26 and my friends came over and they were going skating.
05:29 And I was trying to figure out how to go skating with them.
05:32 And so it was on my good leg, I had braces on one side,
05:35 but on my good leg I was trying to put skate on.
05:37 And my mom walked by and she smiled and she said,
05:41 nothing ever stops you.
05:44 And I remember looking at her and smiling.
05:46 And it was such a cool thing,
05:48 it was almost a respectful thing.
05:50 So I started to remember way into my recovery
05:52 some of the cool things that happened,
05:54 some of the times that were good in my life.
05:57 And as I started to remember
05:59 that I started to get more healing.
06:01 I also talked with my mom, my mom used to joke
06:05 around a lot that she was born on Pearl Harbor day.
06:08 This is gonna really tell you exactly how old I am,
06:11 so that's fine with me.
06:12 But she' born on Pearl Harbor day.
06:14 So I thought, I was born in 1955,
06:17 so from Pearl Harbor to 1955,
06:20 how old was my mom when she had me?
06:23 You know she was 14 years old.
06:24 So I thought, man, she was young.
06:26 And I remember thinking that, when I figured it out,
06:28 I thought she was young.
06:29 Well, years later, I mean, not too long ago my mom said,
06:33 no, no, I was born on Pearl Harbor day,
06:36 not the day they bombed Pearl Harbor.
06:39 But when she joked as a kind it was like
06:41 when they were blowing up the ship she was born.
06:42 I mean, it sounded like that.
06:44 So now I realized that she was actually probably not 14,
06:47 she was 15 or 16 when she had me.
06:50 And then I find out from my grandmother,
06:52 my grandmother got married to my grandfather
06:55 but she lied about her age 10 years.
06:58 She said, she was 10 years younger.
07:00 So that changes a lot of my recognition
07:04 or recollection about stuff.
07:06 So anyhow, so I am starting to look at that kind of stuff,
07:08 I am starting to look at okay, what was real and what wasn't,
07:11 all of that.
07:12 And I think as I heal I am forgiving people
07:16 and I am looking at these stories
07:17 and I am thinking that you know,
07:19 what, I got to tell somebody
07:21 because what if I keep saying the same stories
07:24 as if they were same stories, when I am starting to realize
07:27 maybe they are not.
07:28 I was sitting with my mom, my mom was a mess, hated me.
07:32 I felt like she was hated me, that's what I got.
07:34 She didn't bond with me, she didn't' touched me,
07:37 she didn't hold me, I left and I felt like that,
07:39 I still feel like that today.
07:41 But one day I am at my mom's house,
07:43 its 2:30 in the morning,
07:45 we are sitting there on the computer,
07:48 she's on the computer, I am on the computer
07:50 and she pulls her chair behind me and she says,
07:53 can I speak to you?
07:55 And I thought, yeah, you know.
07:56 And so she comes over and she says,
07:59 I just want to tell you
08:00 something that happened to me as a kid.
08:02 And so I said, okay.
08:03 And I felt like God said, don't turn around,
08:06 don't turn around because if you turn around
08:08 she will stop talking.
08:09 So I just kept on the computer and kept doing something
08:12 and she said, when she was a kid she got given by her mom
08:16 to someone else, her mom was alcoholic
08:18 and so anyhow she gave my mom to an aunt
08:22 and the aunt was raising her.
08:24 But the aunt got her into a school
08:28 that really developed her artistically
08:30 and in the arts and painting and drawing
08:32 and all that kind of stuff and she was very gifted.
08:35 So then she got a scholarship for a high school
08:38 when she was 12 years old, she was really young
08:40 but really smart.
08:41 I hope I got some of that but she was really smart
08:44 so she got put into a high school
08:46 on the scholarship for the art.
08:47 So she get's in this high school
08:49 and she's telling me,
08:50 I don't know any of this, I've never heard of any this.
08:52 So she's talking behind me, and she said that
08:54 she even didn't want to go to the high school
08:57 because she thought maybe they gave me
08:58 the scholarship because I am young
09:00 and they just though that was cool
09:01 and maybe I am really not as good as I think
09:04 I am or I am not artistic or whatever.
09:06 And so I am thinking, that is so amazing,
09:08 I didn't know that about her you know,
09:10 that she really liked the art and drawing and all that.
09:13 So anyhow she is talking on and on,
09:15 when she got accepted in the school,
09:17 when she finally realized that it was her abilities
09:20 that got her the scholarship she settled in
09:22 and she started to make friends
09:23 and she said my whole life was turning around,
09:25 it was so amazing.
09:27 And then her mom met another alcoholic
09:30 and decided to come
09:32 and take her from her aunt's house,
09:33 move her from Canada to California,
09:35 didn't asked her about school,
09:37 didn't asked her about her life or anything,
09:39 just came one day, packed her up and moved here.
09:41 And she said I stopped dreaming, I stopped--
09:45 I was so angry.
09:46 You know like, if there is a God how could this happen.
09:49 And as she's talking I wanted to just weep for her,
09:52 I wanted to cry for her.
09:54 And I remember thinking I am so sorry that you went
09:56 through that and I knew I couldn't turn around
09:58 because she wouldn't talk.
09:59 My mom doesn't share much with people.
10:01 And she says, do you think that changed my life?
10:05 And I wanted to weep.
10:07 I said, I can't even-- my heart breaks
10:10 because you shut down so much,
10:12 I think that took everything from you.
10:14 And as I am listening,
10:16 I am thinking that my perspective
10:19 on the whole childhood thing in the whole background
10:22 really is changing because I am looking at my mom
10:25 and her stuff and what she brought to the table,
10:28 what she gave and couldn't given
10:31 what she could given
10:32 and it just started making a difference.
10:34 And so when I tell the story now about
10:37 not being loved and being neglected
10:39 a part of me aches
10:40 because I want to say every single time,
10:43 can I tell you about her life
10:45 because her life was really intense also.
10:48 And so as God's healing me I no longer feel like this--
10:53 I no longer feel that she was so cool to me.
10:58 What I feel like is the devil had a strategy
11:01 for generations before I came.
11:03 And if I am going to recover, if I am gonna stand up,
11:06 if I truly I am gonna live a life of integrity
11:09 not only am I gonna start to heal,
11:11 I am gonna start to try to honestly
11:13 look at the things that I tell you about
11:16 the people in my life.
11:17 And sometimes I am gonna have to tell you,
11:19 you know what, my take on it 20 years ago
11:21 is so different than my take on it today.
11:23 Was it a lie 20 years ago or 10 years ago
11:26 or five years ago, it was not.
11:28 But I want to say that I am changing
11:30 because God is changing me.
11:32 So we're gonna look at integrity,
11:33 those issues, what happens in our recovery.
11:36 And don't let someone not let you speak out loud
11:39 because if I don't say this out loud
11:41 I can't grow any further than what I've got done so far.
11:44 And I am gonna say to each of you is
11:48 when you start to learn the truth in a different way,
11:50 when God unravels even your own stuff
11:55 in a different way, say to somebody.
11:57 Man, I am sorry for how I thought.
12:00 I am sorry for the things that I've said.
12:01 I am sorry for even the anger that I've had towards you.
12:05 I forgive you, please forgive me
12:08 and step into your life with integrity.
12:10 When we come back
12:11 I am gonna introduce you to a friend,
12:13 Wayne Blakely, has a ministry coming out,
12:16 ministry it's amazing.
12:17 And he's really gone to a lot but he's standing up
12:20 in such a cool way right now
12:22 that I think you're gonna be blessed.
12:24 I'll be right back.