Celebrating Life in Recovery

Coming Out of Hiding

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Joanie McCulloch


Series Code: CLR

Program Code: CLR000109A

00:11 I can't wait for you to meet my friend, Joanie. Come join us.
00:14 ¤ ¤
00:43 Welcome back. You know to me my favorite part of
00:46 recovery is when we have that moment, that Ah-ha moment, when
00:50 you know that you just looked at something that was huge and you
00:55 are free. You know, I've had it and I'm praying that some of you
00:59 have had it. But I had a friend from church, he's close to 70,
01:03 he and his wife called me up and they said you know we've got
01:06 these issues and can we come over and just talk. So my
01:10 husband and I said of course. People do that all the time.
01:13 Some people come for like a week at a time and just hang out with
01:17 us. Not that we have anything magic but I've just been through
01:20 recovery and I love that. So anyhow he comes over and he
01:23 starts working with different things: Rage; there was a lot of
01:26 stuff with him and his wife over the years and he could pretty
01:31 much blow up over anything. So we worked on that. We worked on
01:34 the fact that he's never felt loved. Then all of a sudden a
01:39 few days into doing this with him he worked on some molest
01:43 issues which were really intense and then one day, and we had
01:47 been kind of meeting together for, I don't know, a week or two
01:51 and he looked at me and he said can I share something with you.
01:55 And I thought yeah, yeah, anything. I mean we've talked
01:59 about all kinds of stuff already acting out growing up,
02:02 alcoholism, from the molest he ended up with same sex kind of
02:06 stuff at one point. We had to deal with that. So I'm thinking
02:10 that you can share anything. And he started just sobbing, sobbing
02:15 and you just stand back and you let somebody go through that.
02:19 So he's sobbing. The table top is just soaked with tears, I
02:23 mean a puddle of tears right by where he's sitting. His wife
02:27 is looking at him. We're just kind of waiting for him to kind
02:31 of be able to speak again and he talked about his life.
02:35 Part of his life early on he was brought over to the U.S. by a
02:40 mother that wanted a better life for him. They came out of Mexico
02:46 he was a migrant worker. Lived in little, almost, shacks. He
02:50 said you know it was never a house and it was never for any
02:54 length of time and he moved from place to place as the harvest
02:58 was ready and able to be worked. He remembers going out and
03:03 working from sunup to sundown when he was tiny, maybe even
03:08 like, I don't know, five or six years old; I mean tiny. And he
03:12 cried, he said, that wasn't the issue though. The issues was
03:17 how people looked at him. People looked at him like he was
03:20 nothing. He said, you know what, most of the time even when he
03:25 ended up going to school and they got him in school but not
03:29 legally, because they were illegal. They got him in school.
03:34 He said he was never quite enough. He was the migrant kid
03:37 living in the shack. His mom would say something like, you
03:41 know what, be careful because they don't really like you.
03:45 And he just wept and wept and wept and wept and wept. He was
03:50 the most incredible guy. Such a great heart. I watched him as he
03:56 wept and knew that at one point in his life he decided just to
04:00 drink, just to act out, just to get high, and that took that
04:05 pain away from him. When he found God, God said to him, You
04:09 are my son and I love you. There is nothing that you can do that
04:14 is going to push me away or get me to look at you in that way.
04:18 I have never looked at you in that way but he ends up when he
04:22 starts acting out, comes out of that, finds God, falls in love
04:26 with a woman that her whole family is prejudiced against
04:31 people from Mexico. So he had to now live that in his life. But
04:35 nobody ever knew that that was his core issue. Nobody ever knew
04:39 that even as a kid he felt shamed all the time. Nobody ever
04:43 knew that he just wanted someone to look at him and say you're
04:46 okay and you belong here. So now he's married, he's been married
04:50 for years and years and years and he's being looked at that
04:52 like that in his family, sometimes even from his wife
04:56 and he's trying to pretend it doesn't bother him. And it
05:00 bothered him and he wept and wept and wept. There was a point
05:03 that I believe that God said you know it's time to just let him
05:08 work through that. You know how you have to work through that
05:12 of stuff; for one admit it out loud. This has been what drives
05:16 me, this fear of not being enough, this fear of nobody
05:20 really wants me here, this fear of I'm going to be discovered.
05:24 All of that kind of stuff really drove him. So first of all
05:27 saying that out loud and being able to surrender that to God
05:31 and then being able to forgive the people that looked at you
05:36 that way; I forgive you. I can't change it, I can't do anything
05:41 about it, I can't take that wound and fix it, but I can
05:44 forgive you and I can surrender that to God because I can't walk
05:48 with it anymore. It's killing me. And part of recovery is to
05:51 look at those deeper issues. And his was never the alcoholism, it
05:55 was never the rage, it was never any of that kind of stuff, it
05:59 was that deep-seated fear in his heart that he was not enough
06:03 and that he would never be accepted by anyone and that
06:05 when he finally forgave people, when he finally got through all
06:10 that kind of stuff, I watched for a moment anyway just joy.
06:15 Just joy. And you know what, the God of heaven knows who I am.
06:20 The God of heaven knows that my mom did the best she could with
06:25 what we were given. She wanted a better life for us, all that
06:29 kind of stuff, and I watched him just start to heal more and more
06:33 and more. So today we're going to talk about some of that kind
06:36 of stuff; not so much the fact that when somebody acts out they
06:41 choose anger, rage, pride, drugs or whatever. We're going to talk
06:46 about that kind of basic fear that in my heart of hearts I
06:51 don't believe I'm enough. And in recovery, wow, when you stand
06:56 in front of God and he said that has never been true, you have
07:00 always been enough for me. You have always been my child.
07:04 I have always loved you and I am so sorry for the things that you
07:08 had to go through but I want you to stand into a different place,
07:11 forgive them and stand up. I'm going to introduce you to one of
07:16 my closest friends, best friends She has dealt with a lot of
07:20 things in her life and you know what at first I didn't relate to
07:24 any of them, but I've known her now for years and now I relate
07:27 to all of them and I love her. So come back. I'd like to
07:31 introduce you to her, hear her story and you're going to be
07:34 blessed.


Revised 2014-12-17