Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Johanahn Larsosa, Krystal Robinson
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000104A
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00:01 The following program discusses
00:02 sensitive issues related to addictive behavior. 00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:06 may be too candid for younger children. 00:11 Welcome to "Celebrating Life in Recovery." 00:12 I'm Cheri, your host. 00:14 Today I'm gonna introduce you 00:15 to a friend of mine from Detroit. 00:17 He has been through the fire. He has been in gangs. 00:20 He's been the dealer, the guy. 00:22 And now, he is a man of God. It's a powerful story. 00:54 Welcome back. 00:56 This season we're talking about kind of the steps 00:59 after recovery, after you stop doing drugs, 01:01 after you stop drinking, 01:03 after you do the whole kind of detox and all that, 01:06 you stand up and you're in your own skin. 01:08 And I am telling you, there are some times 01:09 I just had to deal with insecurity, shame, 01:12 I lie, and I manipulate, and all that kind of stuff 01:14 and I'm looking at all those issues. 01:17 And those issues are not easy to look at. 01:19 And today what I'd like to bring out 01:22 is one of the deadliest thing is that kind 01:24 of internal shame that we have. 01:26 And it can be deep seeded in our heart. 01:28 We feel that if people actually knew us 01:31 that they would not like us. 01:33 If they actually knew what we were capable of, 01:37 all those kind of things that, you know, I wouldn't fit in, 01:41 and I wouldn't be able to do recovery. 01:42 So we start hiding all that kind of stuff. 01:44 There's an author that calls it a deadly sin. 01:46 It's one of the top deadly sins is that internal shame. 01:50 And, you know, we did a show 01:52 not too long ago with a guy named Kasey. 01:53 And the guy is like 6' 4". 01:55 He's been in prison for 24 years, 01:57 all of that kind of stuff, meets God in jail. 02:00 And God delights in him, literally delights in him. 02:03 There was something with that relationship 02:05 that just changed this man's heart. 02:07 And the other day I'm in church, 02:09 I did this sermon in the local church, 02:11 and I'm getting ready to finish that. 02:14 And he comes up to me and he's got tears in his eyes. 02:16 And he said, "Cheri, what if they really knew me?" 02:19 And I thought, "If we really knew you, 02:21 we would love you. Are you kidding me?" 02:24 But that shame keeps him so-- 02:26 in such bondage that he says that if somebody really knew me 02:29 they wouldn't let me in the building. 02:31 They wouldn't let me sit here. They wouldn't give me that job. 02:34 She wouldn't love me, all of those 02:35 kind of things that we tell ourselves. 02:37 And it's really important during that time in your recovery 02:40 to tell yourself the truth. 02:42 You have an advocate in heaven. Christ came down. 02:45 You know, like any 12 step program, 02:47 it's like you've got to admit you have a problem 02:48 and that's really clear to most of us. 02:51 You got to admit there's-- you got to know 02:53 that there's God that can restore you to sanity. 02:55 And step 3 is, you got know that he loves you. He loves you. 02:58 And all of that shame, all of that stuff, 03:01 he really says that if you surrender it to me 03:03 I promise you, not only will I take it, 03:06 I will clothe you with the righteousness of my son. 03:10 And I didn't get that for a long time. 03:13 It's like, what you mean that everything that Jesus is, 03:16 I become, as He works on my junk? 03:20 I love that. How cool is that? 03:23 You know, so I'm working on my lying, 03:24 manipulating, my shame, 03:27 all of the things I know about who I am, 03:28 the fact that I never knew how to even be myself. 03:31 And the whole time, God is looking at me, 03:33 He's looking at the son. 03:35 He sees Christ totally as everyone is working 03:38 on my stuff, all of heaven is working on my stuff. 03:40 And so when you start really look at 03:43 what is underneath all of the addictions, 03:46 you're gonna see some ugly things. 03:47 You're gonna see shame. You're gonna see anger. 03:49 You're gonna see, you know, even rage. 03:51 You're gonna see insecurities. You're gonna see fear. 03:55 You know, we'll talk about that some time. 03:57 Most of us don't like to admit that I'm afraid. 03:59 But you're gonna see all that kind of stuff 04:01 and let God unravel that for you. 04:04 Because, you know, if we hide it, 04:06 it's gonna eat us up 04:08 and the devil just stays in out ear, 04:09 na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na. 04:11 But, if we surrender it, we get healing, 04:14 and it's absolutely the coolest thing. 04:16 I'm gonna introduce you to the guest right now. 04:19 And I just did a church in Detroit, 04:22 not long ago, and I loved it. 04:24 Out of every place that I went, for some reason 04:27 this church had people that I just could relate to. 04:31 I mean, in every single way. 04:33 And there was a girl especially. 04:35 I wish I could remember her name-- 04:36 I'll ask our guest, but she's like in the back like 04:38 "Amen, I like that, all right." 04:41 And I loved her 'cause she was loud and she was funny 04:44 and I knew she had come from some places. 04:47 And--but the person that I probably fell in love with most, 04:51 I'm gonna introduce you to right now. 04:52 And I just got to say, Han, Johan-- 04:55 Johanahn?" Yes. 04:57 But everybody calls you Han. Yes. 04:59 And I want to say welcome to my program. 05:03 How cool is that? It's very cool. 05:05 So we met in Detroit Aha. 05:07 at the Seventh-day Adventist church. 05:09 I think it's Detroit... 05:11 Detroit Northwest Church. Northwest Church. 05:13 And I loved--it was probably the only church ever 05:16 that I had somebody come up and say, 05:18 "You know, I'm on parole and I have to go to meetings. 05:20 They said your meeting would work. 05:22 Can you sign my card for my parole officer?" 05:26 How funny was that? I just--and I signed his card. 05:29 And I thought, yeah, I can sign it. 05:31 But you an I talked. And maybe you and I talked. 05:36 We talked about a number of things 05:38 like where you came from. 05:39 But what got me the most is, 05:41 we were sitting there in between a break and you asked me if I-- 05:47 if I had a strong stomach. Right. 05:50 You know, do you have a strong stomach? 05:51 And I said, yeah, yeah, why? 05:53 I want to show you something that someone just sent me. 05:56 And I want you to explain what you showed me. 05:59 What I showed you was a picture of my brother-- 06:05 one of my brother's friends. He had just got killed. 06:09 And what had happened was I guess someone 06:13 must have took the picture after they killed him 06:15 and it was kind of like floating all over the city. 06:18 And I'm-- and I get the picture 06:21 and I'm kind of looking at it like, 06:23 you know, we are at a point-- 06:26 well, I'm at a point in my life where, 06:28 you know, this type of stuff is kind normal 06:31 where you get pictures in the phone of, 06:35 you know, friend's dead bodies and things like that. 06:37 So it kind a-- it kind a like-- 06:40 when I see stuff like that, it kind of shakes me up. 06:42 And I'm like, you know, 'cause I'm so used to stuff like that, 06:45 but I know I'm not supposed to be at the same time. 06:47 And God has literally taken you, like you're at a place 06:50 where you're gonna move beyond that. 06:52 Is helpful. But that's-- 06:53 that picture was sent to you 06:54 as I was speaking. Exactly. 06:56 Here was--here was where I'm getting on my phone 06:58 while you're talking. Right. Right. 06:59 And I looked at that-- and I don't want 07:03 a gross somebody out but I mean, 07:04 you know, there was pieces of this kid 07:06 all over the car still. 07:08 You know, this was a pretty intense picture. 07:10 And at that point I looked at you and I thought, 07:12 you know what, nobody has any idea 07:14 what you and God are gonna have to do to walk into a-- 07:19 walk into recovery, to really get your life back. 07:23 Nobody has any idea. So I know-- 07:25 and I know you didn't start there. 07:26 So talk to us about where you started, 07:28 how you grew up, where you came from, that kind of thing. 07:31 Well, well, I grew up-- I wouldn't say much, 07:33 you know, like I was telling you, 07:35 I don't look at my childhood as a, you know, 07:38 a childhood that really stands out like from the normal. 07:43 I will say that it was kind of normal to me but, 07:46 you know, at the same time I will say it, 07:49 you know, the things that I go through, 07:52 or went through, or the people 07:53 that I was around went through is not normal. 07:55 So and I-- Was it--were there-- 07:57 like the picture you showed me, 07:59 were there gang environment-- was it a gang environment? 08:03 Were there people on the street playing, running, 08:05 and all that kind of stuff when you grew up? 08:08 I wouldn't say-- it was kind a like 08:10 not so much as Bloods and Crips but, 08:13 you know, some type of gang environment. 08:18 Not so much as... How was your mom? 08:22 How was she like? How was my mom? 08:24 Well, my mom, she-- you know, she did her best. 08:28 She raised four boys by herself. And... 08:32 Where was your dad? Just away. 08:35 So, you know, by her raising her, 08:38 you know, us four boys, she did her best 08:41 and keeping us out of whatever she had control 08:45 over keeping us out of. But, you know, how... 08:48 So she really wanted to do right by you guys? Right, she did. 08:51 But there was too much happening out there? 08:53 Yeah, it was just too much happening. 08:54 So you know she did her best. 08:56 She was trying to keep us away 08:57 from the things that were going around. 08:59 But, you know, you can only do so much 09:01 as a single parent trying to work 09:03 and take care of the family at the same time. 09:05 I was surprised that-- and I don't know 09:08 where exactly you grew up in. 09:11 but around this church, like the guy with the card 09:14 that I signed on for his parole officer, 09:16 when I took him home there were some places 09:20 where you could tell this was a meth house 09:22 or a drug house and it's vacant now, 09:25 nobody's there. 09:26 And there were some places that were really intense 09:28 just driving him home. 09:30 When you said that there were not syndicated gangs 09:32 around you, like Bloods and Crips that kind of stuff, 09:34 there were still gangs around you? 09:36 Yeah, it was gangs around me. 09:37 I'll say more, I mean, it was Bloods and Crips around 09:40 but not like you will see, you know, in California. 09:44 This is Bloods and Crips-- it was more like territory gangs 09:46 like, you know, claiming streets sort of, 09:49 blacks are certainly like that. But, you know-- 09:50 It's funny 'cause you've grown up there 09:52 and you know what that means when they claim an area. 09:55 What does that mean for somebody 09:56 that has never heard that before? 09:58 Okay, like for us, you know, it was a street 10:02 and it was kind of like 15, 10, 15 guys on one street. 10:07 So everybody on that street were from that street 10:10 and then the next street over there 10:12 claimed that street and then-- 10:13 So what happens if somebody came over 10:15 to your street, like I come over? 10:16 You know, it was like-- it was like the bla-- 10:18 it was like the neighborhood was one neighborhood 10:19 and we had claimed--we all claimed different streets 10:20 but we were one neighborhood. 10:22 So when we go to school and then somebody 10:23 was from another neighborhood 10:25 that's when it will be like a confrontation. Right. 10:27 So it was like neighborhood beefs or neighborhood 10:32 claiming neighborhoods and... 10:34 So from a single mom, try to do the best she could-- Yes. 10:38 At what point did you kind of get out there 10:41 and start kind of mixing with more gang stuff? 10:49 Well, when I was-- I had to be about 14 or 15. 10:56 I was just coming in high school and you know 10:59 we were kind of coming in ourselves 11:00 and trying to find out who we were, 11:02 me and my twin brother and...yeah, 11:07 that's the--that's around the time that, you know, 11:09 we start seeing different stuff and, you know, 11:11 people kind of mingling with older people in the scene, 11:17 what they were doing in their lives and, you know, 11:20 that's when it was kind of a change-- 11:22 Your brother and sister are both here. 11:24 And I just want to say hi to you guys. 11:25 But you know, when-- 11:28 did your mom pass during that time too? Yes-- 11:31 'Cause I remember that you said that, you know, your mom-- 11:34 you guys were very close and something happened with her. 11:37 Right. Yeah. We did-- I did lose my mother. I was-- 11:40 From what? What happened? 11:42 She had a heart attack. She-- we lost her from a heart attack. 11:46 And the thing was, she wasn't really sick. 11:49 But it was kind of-- it happened on a humble. 11:53 And it was kind of a surprise to the family, 11:57 for all of us because at the time it wasn't her 12:01 that was sick, it was my little brother. 12:03 And she was actually taking care of my little brother, 12:04 you know, things that she was doing 12:07 on a day-to-day basis, taking care of all of us. 12:09 But, you know, he was actually in a hospital and he was sick-- 12:13 What was it? What happened to him? 12:14 Some type of-- he was in the hospital 12:17 for some type of infection. 12:18 Well, he didn't know what was going on with that 12:21 but he had to stay in the hospital for 7 days. 12:24 And actually on his day of coming home-- 12:27 he was supposed to get released this day 12:29 and he was supposed to come home, you know, 12:30 she had a massive heart attack and we lost her that day. 12:34 And you were in your early teens? 12:36 Yeah, I was 18 by this time. 12:38 Wow. Yeah, I was 18. 12:42 And so did things get worse for you? 12:45 'Cause you had said like in high school 12:47 I started playing in gangs, 12:48 I started doing all that kind of stuff then-- 12:51 I will say it did get worse. 12:53 Everything came-- became real to me 12:56 at that time because, you know, 12:57 my mother did so hard in taking care of us. 13:01 You know, it was kind of like a-- 13:02 she was kind of like my refuge, my shelter. 13:05 So I was-- I would actually tell myself 13:07 that I didn't ever want to leave the house 13:09 or I didn't really want to take on too much responsibility. 13:12 So when we lost her it was kind of a-- 13:15 reality hit so hard that I will have to do something 13:18 in order to, you know, take where she left off. 13:21 You know-- Right. 13:23 And so now, and I think that's incredible 13:25 is that most people do what they know. 13:28 Like I do what I know. 13:29 And so now you're talking about-- 13:32 you have to kind of support yourself, raise yourself, 13:34 make sure that everybody's taken care of. 13:36 And what were your choices at that time? 13:38 And you know what I want you to get into 13:40 'cause you and had talked about this before, 13:43 is your addiction is pretty interesting to me 13:47 in that you kind of got seduced by the power of a lifestyle. 13:52 And so talk a little bit about that kind of stuff, 13:57 taking care of your family. Right. All right. 13:59 So when I lost my mother, you know, I was forced. 14:01 I wouldn't say I was forced but option was 14:04 kind of limited to bring in money to, you know, 14:07 pay the bills and take care of what I thought 14:11 I needed to take care of at that time. 14:13 So, you know, all around me was people 14:17 and lifestyle of selling drugs. 14:19 So I got into selling drugs. 14:21 And you talk a little bit more about my addiction. 14:25 My addiction was not necessarily the drugs, 14:28 but it was kind of the man I became by selling the drugs. 14:32 I felt very powerful and like the go-to guy, 14:37 and that's what I got addicted to and-- 14:40 It's a power addiction. 14:41 I mean, it's like, you know, I was-- 14:43 I'm really surprised 'cause I only got into dealing 14:45 for a few years when I was out on the streets. 14:48 And it is amazing when you walk in the room 14:50 and everybody gives you that respect. Right. 14:53 Everybody pays attention. And it is really seducing. 14:59 It's more seducing than the drugs are. 15:00 Yeah, it is. It's very seducing and it's very attractive. 15:04 You know, not even when-- even when--the cross over, 15:07 when I gave my life to Christ, I was still attracted to that 15:11 but when I had to leave that life alone I was-- 15:16 my downfall was power now, you know. 15:20 So I had to look into myself like, who am I now? 15:23 So it was hard for me to-- at times it was hard for me to 15:28 actually, you know, take on that life, 15:32 that new life in Christ because, I'm like, 15:34 I'm nobody. You know, nobody-- 15:36 And we talked about when you're-- 15:37 when all of sudden you're standing there 15:38 in your own skin without all of that 15:40 kind of stuff, who am I? Right. Right. 15:41 And nobody like, I know him or I know what he does and, 15:44 you know, it's no respect and nothing like that. 15:46 I'm like--it's very hard to be like, you know, 15:49 I'm just Han, I'm just Johanahn, you know. 15:53 And I remember and I can tell you something, 15:55 I was at the church, I was at my church, 15:58 it was after I gave my life to Christ 15:59 and you know I'm just-- 16:01 I'm just feeling like I'm a nobody, 16:04 I'm feeling like I'm less of a man 16:06 because nobody gives me that respect that I was used to 16:09 or nobody really knows me, nobody puts me up 16:12 on the pedestal no more so I'm just there. 16:15 And I remember one day we was in the church 16:17 and it was a-- I was at a prayer meeting, 16:20 and I was the only-- I was the only male there. 16:23 I was the only man there. 16:24 And, you know, I'm still just, 16:26 you know, like nobody care about me. 16:27 and there was this lady. 16:29 And I remember her name was Sister Kollie. 16:33 And it was prayer time. And I will never forget this. 16:37 I even told her this to this day. 16:39 She said, she wanted somebody to pray and she was like, 16:42 how about we have the man pray for us? Amen. 16:46 And I was like-- I was like, what? 16:49 I'm like, "What? The man?" 16:51 'Cause I'm looking like how did-- 16:53 why does she think I'm a man? 16:54 You know, she don't know, I haven't did anything, 16:58 you know what I'm saying? 16:59 So I even asked her like why do you look at me like that? 17:03 How can you just give me that respect? 17:05 And that's what I was used to. 17:06 I'm like, you know, I felt that you have to earn 17:09 that type of respect and that's what I-- 17:11 that was my addiction in doing what I had to do, 17:15 what I thought I had to do to earn that respect. 17:18 And it was nothing but-- And this sister-in-Christ 17:20 have it to you as a sign of God. 17:21 And it was nothing but God that had her do that. 17:25 And I'm like, I am a man without 17:27 all of this stuff that I was used to. 17:29 I'm still a man. Christ has made me a man. 17:31 What I love about that is being able to say 17:34 is God has to really get to your heart to give you 17:37 those kind of truths so that you could heal. Right. 17:40 And it's really intense. It is. 17:41 'Cause once you-- let me-- 17:43 I'm gonna go back into that whole gang lifestyle. 17:46 'cause once you got in that and you were that guy-- 17:49 were you doing drugs on top of that, or pretty much... 17:52 No, I was never into, you know, doing the drugs, 17:55 just kind of selling them, selling the drugs so. 17:59 So what happened as far as you coming to Christ? 18:02 Tell us a little bit about-- 18:05 well, tell us a little bit first about-- 18:06 I'm really am curious about that lifestyle. 18:09 So tell us a little bit more about that lifestyle 18:11 and then how you came to Christ. What happened? 18:14 And was it one time, or was it that people 18:16 were kind of-- was it over the years? 18:19 Oh, well, I was-- it was the lifestyle. 18:22 I took on a lifestyle, and I didn't really want to-- 18:25 like I said, when my mother pay, you know, I was doing little-- 18:28 I was dealing little petty drugs before my mother passed. 18:31 But when she passed I'm like I have to do this. 18:35 I was kind of nervous in getting into-- 18:39 deep into the drug game. 18:40 But I'm like I have to make this rent, 18:43 I have to feed my little brother, 18:45 you know, that's how I felt. 18:46 So when I gradually got into it and I saw that reactions 18:52 or whatever from what I was doing I started liking it. 18:57 Then I started loving it. 18:59 And then I started doing more of it. 19:01 And then I started, you know, and it started changing me. 19:04 so I was doing that for a while. 19:08 I look at it now, I was becoming a monster. 19:13 You know, and I ask-- Because I'm like, you know, 19:17 it was just getting more and more attractive to me 19:19 and I see the type of person that I was becoming, 19:22 the people that I was surrounded by, 19:24 it was attractive to them. 19:25 So, you know, I would reach for that feeling 19:30 that to make you--to have you look at me a certain way. 19:34 So that's what I was striving for everyday. 19:35 And whether it's fear or respect, it was something. 19:37 You were gonna have some affect on me 19:40 to where I gave you that position. Right. 19:42 And it was kind of like-- and it was back and forth. 19:45 So I was feeding off of you and you was feeding off of me. 19:48 and I know you like it. 19:49 So I'm gonna strive to be that guy. 19:51 So that's what I was becoming. 19:53 It was getting worse and worse and worse. 19:57 Yeah, I was just-- like I said, I was just-- 20:02 I believe I was just growing into becoming a monster. 20:07 And that doesn't happen overnight? 20:09 No, it does happen-- the change or... 20:13 Yeah, the change doesn't happen overnight. 20:15 When you said, I'm beginning to be a monster, 20:18 is it some people think that it happens 20:19 overnight but it doesn't. 20:21 And I love what you said is that initially there 20:23 was that fear of stepping all out into that. 20:26 Not that you hadn't already in some way. 20:28 But there was that fear. 20:29 And that fear starts to leave and you are able then to stand. 20:34 But you have to change who you are to do that. 20:37 Yeah. So, yeah. 20:38 You know, then, 'cause I think a lot of people 20:40 don't realize there's guns, knives, there's crazy behaviors, 20:43 there's all of that kind of stuff 20:45 up in that world. Right. 20:48 And it's like, you know, the devil blinds you 20:50 from all of that stuff because like I said, 20:53 I didn't really want to put myself out there 100% 20:59 in a drug gang but, you know, as you gradually 21:03 get into it the devil gets to blind you 21:04 from the dangerous things that I was putting myself into. 21:10 I was blinded by situations. 21:12 I'd go into a situation and I'd just be blinded 21:17 by what can really happen to me and am I supposed to be in... 21:21 Am I supposed to be afraid right now? 21:23 Right, am I supposed to be afraid and you know, 21:25 the devil has that hold over you. 21:27 You don't even see what's right and what's wrong. 21:30 'Cause you told me one time when we were talking 21:31 that you even pulled your brother into it 21:33 not even realizing-- Yeah. 21:36 And, you know, and that's the way we was raised 21:38 and I'm like I look at a lot and it was so hard 21:40 to pull him out of that because you kind of like 21:45 drew him into it, you know. 21:47 And I was-- when I lost my mother 21:49 my little brother, he was 11. 21:51 So I felt like I'm gonna raise him to be just like me. 21:57 And take care of himself. Right. 21:59 But I want him to be a better me. 22:01 I want him to be a more improved drug dealer or whatever. 22:06 So I was raising him to be me at his age. 22:11 You know what I'm saying? So whatever I would learn 22:14 at that time, I was teaching him 22:16 so he can be that far ahead of anybody else there. 22:18 Well, you know, for somebody that doesn't know 22:20 that lifestyle 'cause it was not-- 22:24 like I pulled my sister into the lifestyle that I was in. 22:26 When she left our house and I was working 22:28 in clubs and all that kind of stuff. 22:30 So I taught her what to do, 22:31 how to get a good job, all that kind of stuff. 22:33 And I didn't do it because I'm a monster. 22:35 I did it thinking I did the right thing. Right. 22:37 And so I want you to talk about that 22:39 'cause somebody would say "Well, how could you do that?" 22:41 And it's like, you know, 22:42 you don't even know when you're up in that. 22:45 When you are thinking that I'm surviving. 22:46 That you know what, my alternatives are a few, 22:49 and I have siblings, I'm gonna teach them. 22:53 Yeah, when I-- 22:54 only now I can look at it and say I was a monster. 22:58 Then I didn't know-- I didn't look at it 23:00 as I was doing something wrong. Right. 23:02 I felt in my heart that I knew I was doing something right. 23:05 So I'm like, I'm not gonna have him go through the things 23:08 that I went through and not knowing how to over 23:11 and you know, making easy money, 23:14 it's gonna be a lot more easier for him. 23:16 So I thought I was paving a way. 23:18 I thought I was doing a good thing. 23:20 he wouldn't have to struggle as hard as I did. 23:22 So I really thought that I was doing him 23:25 a pleasure by teaching him-- 23:26 By teaching him everything I know. 23:27 Yeah, I thought I was doing him a pleasure. 23:29 And he learnt well. Yeah, he learnt well. 23:32 What--was there anything that God was doing at the time 23:36 where you felt that God was pulling on you? 23:38 Or were there dark years where I didn't feel that? 23:41 You know what, it was dark years 23:43 where I didn't feel that but I always had-- 23:46 it was something in me that-- 23:50 it was just some uncomfortable feeling at times 23:53 where I would say something off the way 23:55 and somebody would look at me like I was crazy. 23:56 And then I felt like I must be crazy. 23:59 Like I remember riding with my friends and I'm like-- 24:03 'cause you know, my mother didn't raise me like that. 24:06 You know what I'm saying? So I just--after she left, 24:09 after she passed I just grabbed on to something, 24:12 you know, what I kind of knew everybody else was doing 24:15 and it was kind of easy. 24:17 So it was always something in me like this just can't be it. 24:20 It was something telling on me like this can't be it. 24:22 So if I say something to my friends 24:24 like we got to change. 24:26 And they look at me crazy. 24:28 And I'm like, yeah, maybe I am crazy. 24:29 Let me shut up. You know what I'm saying? 24:31 And then I just continue to do what I was-- 24:32 But that was still that part of your heart that said, 24:34 "You know what this is not okay." 24:37 Right. Right. I couldn't say that. 24:40 I couldn't come to-- I wasn't string enough to say-- 24:43 you know, to make that change or to even-- 24:46 I was strong enough to say it a little bit. 24:47 But then when I get tore down like 24:50 "Man, what you talking about?" 24:51 I just go right back into where the devil had me. 24:56 We're gonna go ahead and take a break and come back. 24:59 But I--you know to me, I wish that as-- 25:04 if you're out there and you're coming from this lifestyle, 25:06 what I want to say is God is amazing. 25:08 And he takes our craziest times and just speaks into our lives. 25:13 And you are loved and respected by God. 25:16 And he sees you and all those things. 25:18 I want to say that there is recovery 25:20 and we're gonna come back and talk about that. 25:22 If you're out there and you're a church member 25:23 and you have no idea this kind of background 25:27 is I want you to pay attention because we're coming 25:29 into the building and we want to sit down 25:31 and we want to heal and we want to be loved 25:33 and we want to say to the whole world is, 25:36 I am done with this crazy stuff and I want to be in my own skin. 25:40 And I want to have a normal life. 25:43 And so we're gonna come back. 25:44 We're gonna hear the rest of this story. 25:45 This is my favorite part, is how God breaks 25:47 through all of that stuff and at the end of that 25:50 you have a man of god that somebody can say 25:53 at a prayer meeting, you know, you take the prayer. 25:56 We'll be right back. |
Revised 2014-12-17