Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Asheley Woodruff
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000101A
00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior.
00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material
00:06 may be too candid for younger children.
00:10 Welcome to "Celebrating Life in Recovery."
00:12 I'm Cheri, your host,
00:13 and today we're gonna talk about
00:15 where does our dysfunction start from
00:17 and its surprising to me
00:19 some of it starts from right in the home.
00:20 Come join us in the cafe.
00:49 Welcome back, you know, I always work with folks
00:53 that have incredible issues all over the world.
00:55 You know, whether its drugs, alcohol,
00:57 sexual issues, addictions.
01:00 They're pretty intense.
01:01 But I know, when I meet somebody that it didn't start there.
01:04 It didn't start with them all the sudden
01:06 slamming a bottle of tequila.
01:09 It started long before that.
01:11 So we're gonna talk a little bit about what starts addictions?
01:14 May--what is the foundations of some of our additions
01:17 and what hijacks us.
01:19 You know, because we really are hijacked by that stuff
01:22 and so I want to just say welcome for everybody here.
01:25 Welcome to the cafe I'm so glad you're here.
01:28 Actually we're gonna get to hear your story today
01:30 and I love you and...
01:32 but this part is really kind of important stuff.
01:36 One of the things that I know about kids is that
01:41 they learn a ton of stuff
01:42 between ages zero and three or zero and five.
01:47 I mean, they just learn a ton of stuff.
01:49 Now put a normal child the baby in a really dysfunctional home.
01:53 So you put a child in a home
01:55 that none of the rules are the same.
01:57 Nobody is doing the right thing.
01:58 Mom and dad may be dealing with their own addictions,
02:02 whether it's alcohol or some of their more hidden addictions
02:05 where they're dealing with all that kind of stuff.
02:07 And you have this kid that tries to grow up
02:10 and tries to decide for the rules.
02:12 What are the rules in this house?
02:14 And it's weird because sometimes,
02:16 now I grew up with my folks been into drugs and alcohol.
02:21 And so I could run in the house and one time I'd run in
02:24 and everybody wants to throw you up in the air and they're happy
02:27 and they're kissing you all over the face
02:28 and the next minute it's a disaster.
02:31 The next minute something happens
02:33 and everybody's at each other or you know whatever.
02:35 So in an addictive home
02:38 the cycles are just all over the place
02:40 and really nothing can be trusted.
02:42 And kids know right away that this may not be safe.
02:47 And what's really dreadful for a child from an alcoholic home
02:52 or drug addict home or even sexual addictions
02:54 because sometimes we think our hidden addictions
02:56 don't effect our kids, oh, man,
03:00 they do because you are not present.
03:01 You know, so anyhow even those kind of homes is this child--
03:06 even those things start to look good
03:08 and the child should be able to relax,
03:10 when things are going well but they don't.
03:12 They have a sense of doom, like I know,
03:17 I know something is gonna happen any minute.
03:19 And so they kind of wait
03:20 so they really can get involved
03:23 and whatever is happening and its safe right now,
03:25 nobody's yelling or whatever.
03:27 But underneath all that as I know
03:28 that something is gonna happen.
03:30 And something develops in them that says I need,
03:35 I need to kind of escape or to distract myself I...
03:38 you know, I need something this kind of normal
03:40 and because they desperately want that.
03:43 And so what a child from an alcoholichome
03:45 or an addictive home
03:47 starts to look for what suits them, you know.
03:50 Now what, if it's a video game, you know,
03:53 I can get on this video game and I can have a great time.
03:57 I'm not thinking about anything, I could care less everything
04:00 could be falling apart all around me and that's okay
04:03 'cause I'm fine and I'm playing the game, and I'm.
04:06 And so what happens is an addiction start.
04:08 Not all video games are addictive
04:10 but when you have dysfunction
04:12 and this game actually comforts me in someway,
04:17 that's the seed of an addiction.
04:20 Because I get comforted emotionally,
04:22 I get safe if I-- it feels good to me,
04:25 I somehow get out of the chaos
04:27 and it could be some kids reach for food, you know.
04:30 I start slamming some stuff and I feel better
04:33 and food addiction started.
04:35 And then that whole cycle for them start
04:37 or the first time you take drugs,
04:38 I'm in this crazy home and somebody gives me
04:41 some weed and I laugh and I could care less.
04:45 Yet that seeds starts for a normal child
04:47 that may not be that intense but when you have somebody
04:50 that's been in this crazy home, those things really set us up.
04:55 There is something that happens in the crazy home too
04:57 that's call addictive logic.
05:02 Dad comes home and let's say your dad is alcoholic,
05:05 a gambler and he comes home
05:07 and he's angry and he puts on the T.V.
05:09 and every interaction is intense.
05:11 And the kid says to mom, what's dad angry about?
05:16 Well he just had a bad day at work.
05:19 Well, does that mean he can hate you like that?
05:22 Does that mean he can yell at me like that?
05:24 And so the addictive logic is that child's knows in their mind
05:27 that's crazy, you know, what do you mean.
05:30 He just had a bad day at work so he comes in
05:32 and everything is just kind of the whole house is walking
05:36 on eggshells and everybody is fearful or whatever.
05:39 That sentence doesn't make sense
05:40 but they try to make it make sense, right.
05:43 And so addictive logic says, if somebody is saying
05:46 one thing, why did dad hit me.
05:48 Well, I didn't have the dishes done.
05:51 Why did dad did? What is that hit us.
05:53 Why does mom, why is mom in bed all day?
05:57 Instead of saying because she's an addict
05:59 and she is passed out, you just say
06:01 something like she's got she sick,
06:03 well she's been sick for three years.
06:05 You know, what I mean.
06:06 But a child tries to figure out how that makes sense.
06:08 And so that logic doesn't compute at all
06:12 and what most kids do in that environment
06:15 is they will try to distract themselves.
06:18 We've talked this season about
06:20 what hijacks your pleasure center.
06:23 And so we have a pleasure center
06:24 and the pleasure center in our brain is supposed to be there--
06:27 we're supposed to love life.
06:29 You know, when I go swimming it feels good.
06:31 When I take a walk, it feels good.
06:33 When I'm laughing with friends, it feels good.
06:36 But when everything is trash
06:37 and I have this kind of crazy logic in my home,
06:40 it doesn't make sense.
06:41 That I'm gonna look for something to stimulate
06:44 that center and usually
06:46 with dysfunction is gonna be addictive.
06:48 And so children are setup really, really early
06:52 and they do behaviorally they're more at risk,
06:56 you know, they're gonna be the skateboard
06:57 that literally wants to skate on the side of seven story house,
07:01 you know, our building or they gonna want to go on rails
07:04 and they gonna want to do some high risk kind of activities.
07:07 And so those seeds that are planted in the homes
07:12 of alcoholics or addicts
07:14 even for their kids really setup the next generation.
07:17 And the reason I like to go over that is when you talk about
07:21 addicts, man, like I said at the beginning,
07:24 we don't just became addicts.
07:26 We really are kind of grown into that at some level
07:30 and when I do my recovery, lot of times people will say,
07:35 you know, when I do my recovery I'll just stop using,
07:37 I'll just stop drinking, I'll just get off on a line
07:40 and not do the sexual stuff anymore.
07:42 But it's more than that.
07:44 It's that a lot of times four people
07:46 that have learn this addictive logic for people
07:49 who have learn not to trust
07:51 their own environment to the world,
07:52 they don't even know kind of what is normal
07:54 and what's not because I never had that in my home
07:57 is that you get to.
07:59 You get to learn that now.
08:01 I just want to say that in the best way,
08:05 is some people say,
08:06 well, I don't want to learn that now, I know.
08:09 But baby you get to learn it now.
08:11 And when I got into recovery and I got that,
08:17 there is more hope in that, that you know
08:19 I have to admit to God
08:20 and someone else that I don't know how to act.
08:22 I don't know how to socialize.
08:24 I don't know how to do this, you know,
08:27 kind of assess my environment because my environment was never
08:29 trustworthy when I was growing up.
08:32 But I get to learn it now
08:34 and as you start to surrender to that,
08:37 as you let God direct you in that,
08:39 as you hook up with other people,
08:41 either in a recovery group or group of adult,
08:45 children of alcoholics or a group of people
08:47 that were on the same way you were going through.
08:48 It's so incredible to sit there and say I never knew
08:52 what's normal and the whole group laugh.
08:54 Because they never knew what's normal
08:56 and the fact that you get to learn now is incredible.
08:58 So don't think when you get into recovery
09:01 that you're just going to look at the addictive substance.
09:05 That is just like kind of the top of the iceberg.
09:08 You have all of the stuff that you get to look at to
09:11 and when you do, you get your life back.
09:14 You know, for the first time in my life,
09:17 I actually-- can I say I feel normal
09:19 and not feel like I'm lying.
09:21 I feel closer to normal.
09:23 And I may never get to be the person that says,
09:26 oh, yeah I'm normal now and--but I'm okay with that now.
09:31 You know, I have a husband that loves me
09:32 and I have a family that I love.
09:34 And I have humanity that I fit into
09:36 and for the first time I feel safe.
09:39 I have safe places all those kind of things
09:41 because I started to really look at all of the things
09:44 I didn't learn and decide to learn them now.
09:48 I'm gonna introduce you to a friend of mine
09:50 who's gonna be on the program.
09:52 And this friend really is going to look at her own life
09:56 and some of these kind of issues
09:58 and what did she do with people around her
10:00 now 'cause she kind of teaches people
10:02 how to confront those issues
10:04 and how to be normal, I love that.
10:09 We'll right back, stay with us.