Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Cheri Elledge, Joleen Neighboro, Misti Brockin
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000046A
00:12 Have you ever felt like your problems were just
00:14 too big, there was no way you were going to get out of them?
00:16 It's not true. God can help you so come in and join us,
00:20 you are going to be blessed.
00:49 I am working with this girl that said to me one time,
00:52 you know Cheri you need to tell people a little bit
00:56 more when they talk about recovery.
00:58 I thought well what do you mean?
00:59 She said you just need to tell them a little bit more
01:02 because you make it sound like it's easy.
01:03 If I have ever done that I just want to apologize for
01:06 right away because it is not easy, it is just the
01:08 coolest thing you could ever do.
01:10 I ended up coming from a lot of different places, I'm
01:13 strung out on drugs, angry, manipulative, I lied all
01:20 the time and all that kind of stuff.
01:21 God had to walk me out of all those kind of things,
01:23 and none of it was easy, but being on the other side of
01:25 each one of them I felt like, hey this is so cool
01:30 because I actually feel healthier.
01:31 So when we talk about recovery, we are talking about
01:34 a process that some days you are going to say,
01:37 you know what I don't become going to make it through
01:39 this day, I'm not going to make it through this issue,
01:41 but God is really faithful and know that it is
01:44 not like a doctor.
01:46 God can walk up and say, just take 2 aspirin and call me
01:49 in the morning and you'll be totally well.
01:51 Sometimes I wish He would do that, and probably He
01:55 could but none of us would learn what we need
01:59 to learn from that.
02:00 So now I am going to introduce you to a friend of mine.
02:02 Misti was on the second season, on a program called Girls
02:05 Night Out, and I got e- mails from everybody that
02:08 just said I love her.
02:10 I have to tell you I do too.
02:11 So Misti wanted to say thank you for coming back on.
02:14 You are welcome.
02:15 When you first came on you talk about your journey
02:19 as far as really being able to surrender it to God
02:22 through the Holy Spirit.
02:23 So I want you to catch us up on that, tell us a
02:26 little bit about that and then update us on what
02:29 has happened since then.
02:30 Well last year when I was here we were talking about,
02:34 really God had just started the healing process with me.
02:37 I have been in church since I was about 4 years old.
02:39 Really, for most of my life, I searched for that
02:42 relationship with God and would hear other people talk
02:45 about this close relationship with Him.
02:47 I wondered how come I don't have that?
02:49 Including you, I heard you talk about that and wondered
02:52 well I don't know Him that way.
02:54 I'm ridiculous because I actually have a
02:56 crush on God, you know what I mean.
02:58 Well I wanted that too and I did not have it.
03:01 I knew doctrine, I knew the Bible, I knew what we
03:04 believed, all of that, but I did not have that
03:07 close walk with God.
03:08 I wondered why and it was through you, through the Holy
03:12 Spirit, but it was you who pointed out to me that some
03:14 of the issues I were struggling with, and had struggled
03:17 with for years, was inside of me.
03:19 Can we just remind them what happened?
03:21 Yes we can, I struggled for years.
03:23 I married into a family that were very wealthy.
03:26 Three brothers and the father, they own an oil company
03:31 and some trucking companies.
03:33 They really, were for years, what I perceived never
03:39 would accept me, I want to say arrogant, but that
03:42 is the way I perceived them.
03:43 When you are damaged you can perceive all kinds of stuff.
03:47 Through my rejection, through my damage, through my stuff.
03:51 What is really interesting for a lot of people is that
03:55 when you start talking about them, not in a bad way
03:59 but just trying to explain to me what was going on.
04:01 What I saw was this incredible, confident beautiful
04:04 woman that was entrapped by your own rejection issues.
04:09 I wanted to shake you and say, oh stop you have to get
04:12 rid of that, you have to stop that.
04:14 Yes, yes and I was pointing the finger at them.
04:16 Through all these years I am the one that has tried
04:19 to make this relationship work.
04:21 I have been a nice one.
04:22 And they are just mean to me.
04:23 Yeah really I felt like, and at that point I felt like
04:26 I'm just done, I was bitter.
04:27 We do, as Christians we think we can't feel that way.
04:31 Okay God help me not to feel that way, help me
04:33 not to feel that way.
04:34 I would come home every time from being with them
04:36 and say that to the Lord.
04:37 For a time I think I would feel a little bit better,
04:40 but it was all still there.
04:41 When you told me the first time you were telling
04:44 me that, I said, Misti I think it is your stuff.
04:46 The look on your face was, all of a sudden,
04:48 you just stopped and you looked at me like,
04:51 are you not hearing me?
04:52 Is that not what I just said?
04:54 I was thinking, did you not, I was just in shock.
04:58 Your words were well you know that is inside of you don't you.
05:01 It's all your stuff.
05:02 No, I don't think so, but before that night was over,
05:06 you really convinced me to take a look at myself.
05:09 At least explore the possibility.
05:11 At least explore the possibility, right I had no
05:12 idea what God was going to reveal to me.
05:14 It wasn't even then that I got serious with God,
05:17 it took awhile before I really decided I didn't
05:21 want to deal with this anymore.
05:22 I'm tired of carrying this burden around.
05:24 So I changed my prayers, through the books that
05:28 you gave me, the 5 on the a Holy Spirit.
05:32 Which I wondered when you gave me those books,
05:33 I didn't get it, well what does that have to
05:36 do with what we talked about.
05:38 So I didn't pick them up.
05:39 There was really one book in particular, that I was
05:42 so frustrated and hurt over the things that had
05:44 happened that I just flipped it open.
05:46 the middle of the book, I just flipped it open in
05:48 and it was the chapter, Experiencing God's Love.
05:50 It's so spoke to me, and it was his experience of
05:54 asking God, is there anything between you and I?
05:57 Is there anything that I need to be healed of,
05:59 is there anything there?
06:00 God had revealed to him things that he didn't even
06:02 know was there in his heart.
06:04 Because I just have to stop you there because
06:09 for most of us when we are dealing with so much pain,
06:11 and so much anger and all the things that
06:14 come from being hurt.
06:15 Even if it is just perceived hurt, real hurt what
06:18 ever when we are dealing with all that.
06:19 What is really is amazing to me is that we are seeing
06:22 the entire world through this emotional garbage.
06:24 It is like I can't even see it.
06:27 If I keep it every time somebody says something more,
06:30 raises a more I am always in this kind of Mire,
06:34 and God is just say it allow Me to love you and you
06:37 can step out of that and not continue to be injured.
06:41 Very much so.
06:42 And injuring other people.
06:43 Because don't you want to get back at them when
06:45 they hurt you so badly?
06:46 Yeah, by that time I was so bitter I didn't,
06:49 yeah I was not in any way capable of behaving as
06:53 what I thought was good Christian behavior by trying
06:56 to make everything work, I couldn't even do that anymore.
06:58 Call the newspaper, frontline and THEY ARE MEAN!
07:00 I want someone else to know it.
07:03 Do you know what I mean because you feel so attacked,
07:06 I'm under attack all the time.
07:08 I completely felt that way, but when I did start
07:11 praying, why do I feel that way when I'm with them?
07:14 Why does what they say have such an effect on me
07:17 and so much power over me?
07:19 That is when He began this deeper healing process.
07:23 I think I told you that night that my father was so
07:25 abusive and this is what everybody says,
07:27 oh no I have forgiven them.
07:29 I've forgiven them and everybody says that,
07:32 and probably to some degree you have.
07:34 I had obviously made strides from hating him,
07:37 wanting to kill him, to were I was when I was sitting
07:41 there talking to you that day.
07:42 Having your whole body cringe up.
07:44 Yes just I felt like I had been freed from that,
07:48 but the damage that was done through the abuse had
07:50 not even begun to be touched yet by God.
07:53 So I'm going to ask you something because people
07:55 will ask me over and over.
07:58 We have a very, kind of, anti-psychology thing,
08:02 that as Christians should we just not go to God
08:05 and let the Holy Spirit heal?
08:07 What would you say to them?
08:09 Well I would say that if the wounds are there you
08:13 have to go visit the wounds, you have to let Jesus
08:15 touch the wounds and heal them.
08:17 When He walked this earth and you went to Him and
08:20 asked for healing, He always healed.
08:22 Our hearts are wounded and cut open, we try to
08:26 build walls and protective measures around that wound,
08:30 we don't really know what is there.
08:32 What is at the core that wound, but it is not going
08:34 to go away unless you let Jesus touch it.
08:37 It is not about going back and revisiting suppressed
08:39 memories or anything like that.
08:41 So what is really, and I love that because what is
08:44 really interesting to me is that I ended up coming
08:48 into my own healing and not realizing, I thought I'm
08:51 a heroine addict so I just have to stop doing heroin.
08:54 I think that God must've just moaned because that was
08:58 not anywhere close to my injury.
08:59 I was doing heroin to avoid the injury.
09:02 I think that God just says I would love to heal you
09:05 instantly, right now; however, because of where
09:10 you have hidden all the pain, were you have protected
09:13 it, is I will walk you through however long it
09:17 takes to walk you through.
09:18 In saying that though I want to say the Holy Spirit and
09:22 God can come up and heal was instantly if we had any
09:26 brains, do you know what I mean?
09:28 Honestly, as I was going through this healing process,
09:31 it was intense, He was showing me things that
09:33 had deeply hurt me.
09:35 I did not even realize that there was still hurt there.
09:39 That my behavior came out of that.
09:42 Take for instance with your mom.
09:44 Okay but first I want to say this, I want to say this.
09:48 If He did not take me through, if He had just healed me
09:51 instantly, I would not know Him like I know Him now.
09:53 When these traumatic things happen to us as children,
09:57 we do not perceive He is there.
09:59 We don't know it, we build a wall between
10:02 Him and us too, because where was He,
10:06 we hear Him being this loving God, but yet these bad
10:09 things are happening to us.
10:11 He has to take you back there and show you that
10:14 I was there so that the wall comes down and
10:15 you can trust Him.
10:17 And know that that was not His will, it was not His
10:20 plan, were you can completely trust Him and know Him.
10:23 It is a process that He walked you through, but if He
10:27 just instantly healed you and took all that baggage
10:30 away, you wouldn't know Him like He wants to know you.
10:32 He wants you to know that He is going to take a way
10:35 all that, and that He was there, and that He loves you
10:37 and there is hope.
10:38 And not just instantly be gone.
10:40 I just think that is His plan.
10:43 That is a good point, just saying that there is a
10:45 process that we want it to be instant.
10:50 because He's so gentle, you weep because He is so
10:53 good and He is lifting that off a you, lifting the
10:56 baggage, changing the way that you perceive yourself,
10:58 and perceive others, anger all that.
11:01 So it is a process that I while a was going
11:05 through it I would say I don't want to go through this,
11:07 but since I'm not in that in tense part of it anymore,
11:12 and He has taken me so far.
11:14 I am so thankful that I did go through that.
11:16 My feeling is this, and I still have to go back as
11:20 I think most people on the planet have to walk that
11:23 process out, but I think that God is capable of coming
11:27 in and healing in an instant.
11:28 If we could even do that.
11:30 I will meet somebody that actually comes into the
11:34 building, comes into their Christianity, sits down.
11:38 I understand forgiveness I understand the Bible I accept
11:40 all that and sits down and doesn't look at any of their
11:43 wounds until they keep getting in their way.
11:44 Their anger keeps getting in their way, their depression
11:47 what ever and eventually they have to ask God,
11:49 What is up? Why am I still a mess?
11:51 God then shows them some of those hurts.
11:54 Right, and it is when you are finally frustrated with,
11:56 How come I can't overcome this? How come
11:58 I still feel this way?
12:00 You start searching God out may be in a different way.
12:02 Like why am I doing this?
12:04 Just help me, which is a good thing to pray but it
12:06 doesn't always free you.
12:08 So sanctification is what all a lot of people call it,
12:11 that whole sanctification process.
12:13 I will grow in Christ and learn to trust Him.
12:16 So the first program that we did as your understanding
12:23 of the Holy Spirit and leaning on Him,
12:25 for and having Him abide in you.
12:27 I want to walk with His abiding of the Holy Spirit,
12:29 Christ in me.
12:31 Well the first time that I've really feel that God
12:34 reached in and healed me, healed a part of me, was what
12:38 we talked on the last show that was over my mother.
12:41 It wasn't about blaming my mother at all, that is not
12:44 what God does, He takes the whole thing and makes it right.
12:48 You see your mother as what was going on with her,
12:50 or what was going on with your father, who ever wounded
12:53 you, you can see their wounds and so
12:55 you don't blame them.
12:57 But He showed me, when I begin to pray this,
12:59 He showed me that my father was being very,
13:01 very abusive with me one day.
13:03 I was probably 4 years old and I turned to my mother to
13:06 help me, and she was laughing.
13:09 Now I don't know that she was laughing at me, but in my
13:12 4- year-old mind that was what I perceived.
13:14 I'm being traumatized and it crushed me.
13:17 Jesus took me back there and said look what happened
13:20 that day, and I remembered this already,
13:23 it wasn't anything suppressed or anything like that,
13:26 but I remembered it differently.
13:27 I would have told the whole story as my father would
13:30 have told it and it would have been, well your father
13:32 is not a very nice person, is he?
13:34 But it was my mother that day that did the wounding,
13:37 because she didn't mean to.
13:38 But that day it was in my mind that my own mother
13:42 doesn't love me enough to protect me from this kind of
13:44 abuse, I just must not be worth, I came to believe
13:46 Satan took that and he convinced me that
13:49 I was not worth very much.
13:50 So when I would be around other people - but you live
13:54 that out every day- every day, everything, I lived it.
13:58 That was so heavy that when He showed me that,
14:00 He showed me what I really believed about myself.
14:02 First I grieved over that and it deep, I just cried.
14:06 I cried and cried and then He begin to show me that
14:09 believing that about myself affected everything that
14:12 I had done up until that day.
14:14 The way I felt around my in-laws, the way I felt around
14:17 other people, around even friends.
14:19 I was constantly trying to feel like
14:20 I was worth something.
14:22 I was be in a people pleaser, I had to have everybody
14:25 happy with me because as someone wasn't happy
14:26 with me it would take away the little bit of self worth
14:30 I could get from that.
14:31 It would take it away and that was so painful that I,
14:33 it just drove me to do this.
14:35 That was huge!
14:37 Don't you want to say because I know you know that
14:39 God is healing in those areas.
14:42 I know that you know He loves you and that is all
14:45 healing, isn't don't you want to look at the camera and
14:47 to say please trust Him?
14:49 You know there is a part of me that I just want to say
14:51 please trust Him because all those wounds, all that
14:55 injury, all that stuff God just saying, I will promise
14:58 you, I will come in and love you.
15:01 Because we were created to be loved, it is who we are.
15:04 Not feeling love for my father or my mother, which I
15:07 knew she loved me but, that day forward I can look back now.
15:10 She passed when I was 21.
15:13 But I can look back now and see that wall that was built
15:15 between her and I.
15:17 I would never share my heart with her, from that day
15:20 on, from that day forward, He showed me that.
15:22 I didn't know why, my sister had a close relationship
15:24 with her, she would tell her everything.
15:26 She would tell her about who she was dating, and in my
15:28 mind I was thinking, why would you ever tell her that?
15:31 When God showed me this it was from that day on a wall
15:36 was built between her and I, but also between myself and God.
15:40 So that was the first thing He showed me.
15:42 The injury just compounds itself day and day and day out.
15:47 Every other relationship just makes it worse.
15:51 Yes, you feel like nothing that is so painful that you
15:56 will try, we try everything.
15:58 We try drugs, we try everything, we try workaholism,
16:02 what ever it is to make us feel like we can accomplish,
16:05 we want to know we are worth something.
16:07 When you get sent that message, which is what Satan
16:12 wants, but when you're sent that message then you spend
16:14 your life seeking after ways to get some self worth.
16:18 So we're really not even a threat to Satan
16:21 or his kingdom because we are so busy trying
16:23 to feel okay about ourselves.
16:24 We are not going to accomplish what God
16:26 has for us to accomplish.
16:27 And I love when the Bible says this, Satan sets up
16:29 schemes in our lives and then he takes off and he
16:32 doesn't even have to mess with you anymore.
16:33 I felt so bad about myself although I didn't know it,
16:36 I did know that in the conscious mind until the
16:39 Holy Spirit showed me that.
16:40 But he didn't have to worry about me, I was never going
16:42 to overcome the way people treated me in a way that it
16:45 hurt me so I would spend my time being wounded over that
16:48 and wondering how come people treat me that way? I'm nice!
16:51 All these things and we are stuck right there.
16:55 But He says I want to take that away, let Me show you
16:58 what is the real truth.
16:59 As I watched God step into your life through the Holy
17:04 Spirit and take some of that away, I watch this joy that
17:06 just came up in you.
17:07 It was amazing, so talk about that year.
17:11 He did that and I felt literally I felt like a thousand
17:16 pounds had been lifted off of me.
17:18 I felt like I could breathe, the sky was bluer, the
17:21 birds sang louder, I mean I really felt that way that my
17:24 walk with God was better than it ever has been.
17:25 I was passionate about it, I wanted everybody to get it.
17:28 For about a year was that way we would even joke, I'm
17:31 healed on not taking that on, you know you would joke.
17:33 One day I was in a car with a friend of mine and we were
17:38 on the cell phone with her husband, he was on speaker.
17:41 I don't remember what we were talking about but they
17:44 knew us well, had heard me talk about my dad.
17:46 I hadn't even recognize I had a wound with my dad
17:49 because he was so awful that I never felt the need
17:53 to have a daddy in my life.
17:55 I was repulsed by him for as long as I can remember.
17:58 He really made sure that you guys, because I talk to
18:02 you and your sister and he would make sure that he said
18:04 and did things that were repulsive.
18:06 Yes I hated him - around you in front of your friends.
18:09 Absolutely, yes he was very abusive, horribly abusive.
18:14 I really hated him and by the time was a teenager I
18:17 despised him, hate is the word.
18:20 It was like a demonic type were rage,
18:22 I would shake with rage.
18:23 One day we were fighting and he was saying all these
18:26 mean things and there was a pair scissors laying beside
18:28 me and I picked them up and threw them as hard,
18:30 I mean I was aiming for his heart.
18:31 There was nothing they could have stopped be the hatred,
18:33 this rage was so deep in me for him.
18:35 Luckily it flew right past him and hit the wall,
18:38 but that is how deep it was.
18:40 I'd just, oh he was so unkind and would just call you
18:44 names and just say the things that would so provoke you.
18:48 He just knew how to push those buttons and
18:51 I just hated him.
18:52 So for as long as I can remember I had feelings like
18:57 that toward him, so I never felt like I ever needed a daddy.
19:01 I would look at my girlfriends sitting on their dads
19:04 lap and I would think, no way.
19:06 I would never I didn't want it.
19:08 I wasn't even I wish that - wall was so thick,
19:11 he had done the damage so early on that I did not want that.
19:16 I would never want it I would never need it,
19:18 I would never need a man, I would never be,
19:20 not controlled but would never be dependent,
19:23 especially emotionally.
19:25 I would never be dependent on a man and that
19:28 is just the way I was.
19:29 We were driving in the car and people knew how I felt
19:33 about my dad, although I felt like I had forgiven him
19:35 so I didn't talk about a way that I hated him.
19:37 I still didn't have nice things didn't come out of
19:40 my mouth about my dad.
19:41 So he says to me on the phone, you know you and your
19:46 sister are going to have to deal with your dad?
19:48 And this is a year after feeling I'm so free, I'm so
19:51 great, God's so good and it just hit me.
19:54 It was like something that hit.
19:56 We were going on a business trip and ended up going to
20:01 dinner the next night.
20:02 I knew something was hitting me, I knew that.
20:05 So we went to dinner and we ordered our food and we
20:11 were sitting there and I just began to cry.
20:13 I cried for like an hour, the waiter sat down beside
20:18 me and put his arm round me and said are you okay?
20:20 But it was coming out, some of it, this was the
20:23 beginning of what God was starting to do.
20:25 That day I was grieving over not having anybody
20:30 that ever loved me.
20:31 My grandmother's love was conditional, everything was
20:34 so conditional that I never grieved.
20:36 Sorry, I never grieved not having a family.
20:40 That was just the beginning so that comes out and He
20:44 has just lifted that of a you, but He has more that
20:47 He wanted to do.
20:48 Because what is really interesting is your asking for
20:51 help, you're asking for healing - I was.
20:53 So God is saying, I'll give it to you and let you just
20:56 relax and celebrate and then I'll show you the rest
20:59 of it, but I had been so freed from the first one that
21:01 I wanted complete freedom.
21:03 He began to show me there was more.
21:04 I was on a path and not stopping, even though it is like
21:08 heart surgery that He lances it open and He takes it
21:14 away but I wanted complete freedom.
21:16 He did lots of healing over the next few months.
21:20 I really think He was getting me down to the father
21:24 wound, because we so desperately need our fathers blessing.
21:28 And we don't have that father, I can reject I can do
21:33 whatever but God says you were created to be loved by a father.
21:37 Yes and little girls they are created to dance in front
21:42 of their daddies, and have them delight in them,
21:46 and be proud of them.
21:47 God himself would have stood before me and said you are
21:51 my daughter, I love you and I am proud of you.
21:52 I could have never received it until He started in on the other
21:59 healing, He had to take all those other walls down
22:01 before I could receive that.
22:02 One day I was praying, I knew that there was something
22:07 there that I needed to ask the Lord what this was about.
22:09 He shows me, literally were the Holy Spirit talks to
22:14 you, He shows me that it was a bedroom I had when I was
22:19 a teenager, and I would come home from school and go
22:22 straight to my room and shut the door because I didn't
22:23 want to deal with what was going on at the house.
22:25 I did want to do with my mom and dads fighting or him screaming
22:29 or any of that.
22:30 So I would go home and shut the door and He showed
22:33 me this day I was in this room and on the phone,
22:36 I had my own phone.
22:38 Always had lots of friends that's how I escaped.
22:39 I guess he had called for me and I didn't respond to him.
22:44 I don't know if I didn't hear it or what, but he comes
22:46 bursting through the door, he is cursing me
22:48 and calling me names.
22:49 He yanks the phone out of a wall, and of course as
22:52 a teenager you are embarrassed, your friends have just
22:54 heard your father screaming and calling you names.
22:57 He picks me up, I'm on the edge of the bed, he picks me
23:00 up shaking me, I had remembered this already, but that
23:03 day I'm praying with God and He took me back there.
23:06 He is just shaking me, and my husband was praying with
23:10 me at this time because I knew there was something there.
23:13 He was kind of facilitating that can be just between you
23:17 and God but he can pray with me that day.
23:19 I was just being shaken and I thought that I could
23:26 feel all that anger and hurt that my dad had done.
23:28 You are right back there - right back there, yes right
23:31 back there and so I was, okay God what's going on,
23:35 where were You?
23:36 Because the way God took me through this healing
23:39 process, I could always say, He would take me back to
23:41 that spot, and I would say, where were you?
23:42 And I could see Him, He would show me what He was doing,
23:45 He totally brings down the walls between you and Him.
23:47 You know how He feels about you and He was there.
23:50 So I kept saying, where are you, where are you?
23:52 And literally I could see, and when I say I can
23:55 see Jesus I still couldn't tell you what He looked like,
23:57 but He was there.
23:58 But He was sitting in chair in my room and
24:01 He's not doing anything.
24:02 I thought, why are You not helping me?
24:04 I'm like over here asking for help and then I knew I
24:09 had done something that I am in control of and not Him.
24:12 So I said okay God what have I done?
24:14 You know what is between You and I?
24:16 This is through a process of learning to pray this way.
24:19 He showed me, immediately He told me well you made vow,
24:23 and I did, I made a vow that day that no one is going to
24:27 treat me that way.
24:28 No man is ever is going to have power over me that way.
24:31 Now I have made my self God there and I am in charge
24:34 of that and not Him.
24:35 And I repented of that and said okay God I do not want
24:38 to be in charge because I have made a mess out of that.
24:40 I want you to be in charge of that.
24:42 That is like a child saying you know I'm not going to
24:45 trust anybody ever again, so any of those kind of things
24:47 is nobody is ever get close to me again.
24:50 And I didn't, I would have never known that literally
24:53 puts you as God of your own life in that area.
24:56 Now you are in control of it, we'll always mess it up.
24:59 When we are in control of that - exactly!
25:01 When we are trying to protect ourselves, we'll mess it up.
25:04 So when I repented of that literally, and this is where
25:08 the Holy Spirit talks to you.
25:10 I could literally see Jesus stood up and it was my dad,
25:13 he was shaking me literally like he became the evil
25:15 being, which my father probably have demonic spirits,
25:18 for sure.
25:20 And he just shrunk away.
25:22 And I looked at Cole and I the word nobody came to my
25:25 mind, and I said nobody, not that he was a nobody in
25:28 God's sight, but God spoke to me, the Holy Spirit said to me,
25:32 in the scheme of life your father let evil control
25:35 him his entire life.
25:36 In the scheme of eternity he is a no one, not that God
25:40 isn't sad about that.
25:42 Immediately He took me to another scene where my
25:46 grandmother, which my dad was an only child,
25:48 and he did no wrong in her eyes.
25:49 Never did he do any wrong and she came out of surgery
25:53 one day, and my sister and I have been taking care of her.
25:55 We had been the ones that constantly try to get my
25:57 grandmothers love too, and she came out of surgery
26:00 and she opened her eyes and she didn't say a word,
26:03 literally before she died, to me
26:04 my brother, Larry Sherry's husband was standing there
26:07 also, she didn't say a word, she didn't acknowledge,
26:09 and my dad walked up, in my eyes this evil person,
26:13 and she said now there's somebody.
26:15 So God took me to that place and showed me that you felt
26:18 like nobody, but I am the God of the universe and I just
26:21 stood up to defend you and to send that away, and to
26:27 tell you that you are worth something to Me.
26:28 That was huge, I wept and wept and wept and wept.
26:32 I felt like that's where God was giving me, wanting to
26:34 get me down to deal with my dad.
26:36 But there was one more, I was still on a slippery slope.
26:39 You were at our house in February, you knew I was on a
26:42 slippery slope and I could sink into a depression easily.
26:45 I didn't know why, I didn't understand why.
26:47 I know that the healing process goes on for ever, but I
26:51 believe that God was getting me to this next step with
26:55 all the healing that He had done.
26:56 I knew that something was not right and so I was asking
27:00 God what else is it Lord?
27:01 Lord I want to be free from this.
27:03 He took me back to the same bedroom, I thought why am
27:06 I back here, what did we not take care of when we were
27:09 there before in January?
27:11 This time there is no furniture in the room and I can
27:15 literally see, what I perceive to be Satan stomping
27:19 on me and just walking all over me.
27:21 I knew that God was showing me that emotionally my dad's
27:25 abuse, I was dead because of the abuse.
27:27 The emotional part of me was killed a long time ago by
27:30 my dad - you felt that - I felt it.
27:32 When you are feeling that again, all of that heaviness,
27:35 all the things he had done to you, I felt the weight of that.
27:41 I can dress it up, I can walk it out, I can work,
27:43 I can do what ever but I feel dead inside.
27:46 Everybody pleased with me, I would try to over accomplish.
27:49 What ever it is that you try to do to feel better
27:51 He was showing me I was dead.
27:52 It is so painful when He is showing you that, I'm crying
27:56 I do not want to feel this anymore, where were you God?
27:59 I want this to be turned around where you tell me the
28:02 truth about myself and so I asked where were You?
28:05 He's not there and all the healing processes before,
28:08 He was there, Jesus was there to show me
28:11 what really went on.
28:13 To set right the things that were wrong by the abuse of
28:16 the things you believed.
28:17 He doesn't come and I'm feeling that pain, I'm literally
28:22 feeling desperate because I can't fight Satan, he has
28:25 already shown he has flattened me.
28:27 So I get so desperate that I finally say okay,
28:31 Where is the Father?
28:32 I would have never said that, because of my damage
28:35 of my dad, and immediately it made me cry.
28:39 Immediately, I knew it was the Father, I can't see
28:44 Him but I knew it was Him.
28:45 I mean I can't see what He looks like, He walks in the
28:47 room and immediately Satan is gone.
28:49 And I'm laying, and it's not I'm laying there,
28:52 but I knew that my emotions were dead on the floor in
28:55 front of the Father, and I realized He is going to raise
29:00 me from the dead like He did Jesus - and He loves you.
29:03 I had just started doing Exalting His Word, reciting the
29:08 Scriptures - I had left it at your house - you did.
29:10 And I didn't give it back, I kept it.
29:13 I have just started this one that week, it didn't even
29:16 register to me really, anything that week I just wanted
29:18 to speak the Scriptures over my life.
29:20 I maybe Shelly Quinn will be glad to hear this,
29:22 but the one that talks about, there is a scripture
29:27 there that talks about, it literally says arise from
29:31 the depression and prostration that you have been in,
29:35 your light has come.
29:36 And while I'm, I can see the Father standing there,
29:40 He told me get that book, and I hadn't even remembered
29:45 that that is what I had said over my life that week.
29:47 But I flipped it open to the one I knew He wanted me to
29:49 go to, I knew He confirmed that He is getting ready to
29:52 resurrect me, and He does, He calls me from my
29:55 emotional, He calls me forward.
29:59 The next thing I see is that I am taking a walk with
30:03 Him, and I am a little girl, and have got on this frilly dress.
30:06 I dressed up and He is just speaking these words into my
30:10 heart that I could have never received had He not done
30:12 all the other work before that.
30:14 He says I love you - he says I love you,
30:17 you are mine, I am so proud of you,
30:18 like I'm His only daughter in the world.
30:20 You are lovely to me - and it is like being, like what
30:24 you are saying is that I'm so wounded by my father that
30:28 I don't even know that my heart cries, longs for a father.
30:32 If you ask me I would say absolutely not, and God is
30:35 saying, Oh baby you need a daddy,
30:39 And it is okay - you will be okay.
30:42 So I knew that is what He had been getting me to,
30:45 It was being able to receive the Father's blessing
30:48 It is so important, we don't realize it but we are
30:52 meant, especially as little girls we are meant to be adored
30:55 by our daddies, to be loved unconditionally,
30:58 and we don't get that so often.
30:59 Because of our own damage and the generations before us
31:03 that are damaged. - Their damage.
31:04 Is just Satan one of his schemes to keep us from being free.
31:08 What is really amazing to me, is like watching your
31:11 healing and being apart my own healing, watching the
31:14 people around me, is that God says that literally we are
31:18 so damaged that you can look at us on the outside
31:21 and we look fine.
31:22 But we are so damaged that it is more miraculous to
31:25 bring us from a damaged emotional state, to standing up
31:28 as men and women of Christ, than it is to part the Red Sea.
31:31 And we're like ooing and awing about the parting of
31:34 the Red Sea and God says oh that was nothing compared
31:38 to actually raising you guys up and having you walk
31:41 away from all that damage and trust Me to
31:43 bring healing into your life.
31:45 It's not just a Band-Aid, healing.
31:47 Healing to where today when I realized I was going to
31:50 get more time to talk, He has healed it so much it
31:52 doesn't even feel like I was that abused.
31:56 I have to go back and try to recall some of that because
32:00 He has so removed it from my life that it is not even an
32:04 issue anymore, it's full of joy and peace,
32:07 it's love and happiness that He plans for us.
32:09 So let me further step into that so that you can respond
32:12 to this comment is that there was a point where all the
32:15 sudden I'm starting to remember some of the good stuff
32:19 about my childhood because the wounding is lifted.
32:22 Before I had said to my husband, before this I don't
32:26 have one good memory of my dad, not one.
32:28 And there's not a lot but I can actually see some of the
32:32 ones that there were, whereas before I could never see it.
32:35 And that is God's hope for us, can you go back and just
32:38 redeem what was right and heal from what was wrong.
32:43 And it is complete healing, it is not halfway, I
32:47 still have to deal with it, it is done.
32:49 When He does it is done.
32:51 That is absolutely amazing - it's the most
32:54 wonderful thing ever.
32:55 So when I started out when I talked about my friends and
32:58 saying you have to tell them that it is not so easy,
33:01 you would agree? - I would agree, there were times even
33:05 when you were there in February, you could tell my
33:07 faith was stretched further then I, but I think,
33:11 I don't know for sure because I'm not an expert in this
33:14 is just my testimony, but I think because I was seeking
33:17 so hard it was coming so fast.
33:19 It is like a heart surgery that gets messed up that mine
33:23 was coming so fast that I wasn't recovering in between each one
33:27 and having that rehabilitation time because I kept seeking
33:30 Lord, I wanted to be free, I want to be free
33:32 He was granting me that, He was lifting these things off
33:35 of me very quickly and it's stretched my faith further.
33:38 At times you wondered is this even from God, it is so
33:40 painful, am I crazy, is He really speaking these
33:45 things into my life.
33:46 Then you go back and see all the things that have been
33:48 lifted off, yes it's really, I mean it's all these
33:51 things that run through your mind.
33:52 It doesn't have to go that fast but I wanted free, I
33:55 didn't want to spend a lifetime dealing with anger that I had
33:59 and all these things that I had so long to be freed from.
34:02 I wanted free I didn't want to be 20 years from now.
34:05 So would you till somebody it is worth the fight?
34:09 Absolutely, absolutely!
34:11 When somebody says to me, I just have to say this is
34:14 hard, but I'm thinking the other side of that, freedom
34:19 and the health and the spiritual connection with God is huge.
34:22 This stuff is going to take you down, it is going to
34:25 kill you, you may look great you may be able to walk it out,
34:29 but it will kill you, you have to surrender it.
34:30 We are great to go ahead and take a break but I wanted
34:33 to say, for one Misti I love you and thank you for coming back on
34:37 I'm going to introduce people to the other folks at the
34:40 Café and I want you to think about surrender to God,
34:45 asking for the Holy Spirit, and saying to God,
34:47 am I stuck anywhere?
34:50 Can you fill me up, can you walk me out of this because
34:52 I am so done, I'm done and I want to be well.
34:56 I want to laugh out loud, I want to stand in the
34:58 presence of God and be just grateful to be there.
35:02 I don't want to bring this garbage with me.
35:04 We'll be right back, stay right with us.