Celebrating Life in Recovery

Breaking The Cycle

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Christian Berdahl


Series Code: CLR

Program Code: CLR000045B

00:13 Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us
00:16 from being able to fly.
00:17 If left unresolved for very long you can almost
00:20 forget that you were made to fly at all.
00:22 You forget that you were made to be loved.
00:25 You forget that God created you in order to laugh
00:28 out loud and be comfortable in your own skin and
00:31 all those kind of things.
00:32 God really wants to step in and bring healing there.
00:37 I didn't know the difference, I really didn't.
00:39 I don't know how it felt to be damaged,
00:41 how it felt to be healthy.
00:42 All of a sudden as I started to get healthy,
00:45 as I started to allowing God to step in,
00:47 it was unbelievable to me what He did.
00:49 The changes, and it is two different lives.
00:52 I'm going to introduce you to our guest today.
00:55 Christian, I just want to say thank you so much
00:58 for being on the program.
00:59 I heard a tiny bit about your testimony and
01:03 I can't wait for it to unfold for us,
01:05 but do you understand what I'm saying?
01:07 Go ahead and tell us little bit about where
01:11 you came from and why is it important to let
01:14 God love you into health.
01:15 Well I didn't have any God or Christianity in
01:21 my whole childhood.
01:23 My mother was a 16 year old when she got pregnant
01:26 with me, 17 when she had me and my father was 19.
01:32 Two kids having a kids and eventually had 2 more
01:36 children, so all 3 of us had the same parents.
01:42 My father was neglectful, he was not in our lives.
01:47 He was alcoholic.
01:50 You know I have to stop you, because I was going to say
01:53 some people say neglectful and that could mean anything.
01:56 So what did it mean in your family?
01:57 He wasn't present, he didn't want to be a daddy.
02:00 He was a kid and he wanted to go off and explore
02:04 and do his own thing and he was involved in drugs,
02:08 alcohol and infidelity.
02:10 My mom finally had enough of it and divorced him.
02:13 Then for the balance of my life, I'm 39 years old now,
02:18 he was still in and out of our lives.
02:20 Ultimately he wound up molesting the 3 of us boys
02:24 when he was totally high.
02:27 My mother divorced him, she had had enough of it.
02:31 You know when you say that, you go over that real quick,
02:36 about molesting of all 3 boys.
02:38 For boys that is, you have to have some incredible
02:43 trauma in that, who am I and how do I grow up.
02:47 How do I look at the world.
02:48 Right, and you know when you are a boy and your father,
02:51 who is supposed to be your protector, violates you,
02:55 that is one of the deepest injuries that a
02:58 young man could ever experience.
03:00 I know it was for me and for years I wanted to have
03:04 this sense of freedom from that.
03:08 I was held bound for so long because of that.
03:11 Frankly, I didn't tell anybody, I didn't tell anybody,
03:13 it was my secret.
03:15 When you have those kind of secrets and you don't
03:18 tell anybody then you begin to wonder did I not say
03:21 anything because maybe that's okay?
03:23 Maybe I liked that or you have all these wacko
03:27 questions go through your mind.
03:28 I can't even imagine, if we could see the energy as a
03:32 substance, that the weight that must been on you as a
03:36 child, just incredibly weighted down in shame.
03:39 Yet all I wanted to be was to be loved by my
03:43 father and my mother.
03:44 I knew that that was not love, I did know that.
03:49 I knew that that was wrong and that it
03:52 should not have happened.
03:53 When he was in and out of our lives, it was one of those
03:57 things where literally we be packed up sitting on the
04:00 porch waiting for him to come and he would never show.
04:03 My mom would give us some sort of excuse just trying
04:06 to comfort our hearts or what have you.
04:08 Then she remarried and then my life got really bad.
04:14 Really bad, Cheri: worse than bad!
04:17 That yeah, that was, if I had to say anything, that
04:20 would be on a scale of 1-10 compared to what happened,
04:23 that had to be a 4 or 5.
04:25 Cheri: That's incredible, I don't think that people
04:28 realize, in some homes, some children what they have gone
04:32 through to get to a place where God can even put His
04:34 hand on them.
04:35 They have gone through so much pain.
04:37 Well, like I said I grew up in a non-Christian home,
04:40 with alcoholism on my whole dad's side
04:42 Sickness and disease on my mother's side.
04:45 Being molested by my biological father, then going
04:50 through this time of 10 years with my stepfather.
04:55 Cheri: so what was he like?
04:56 He was not being led of God at all, there was still
05:02 no God in my life at all.
05:05 He was physically, not sexual or anything like that,
05:10 physically, emotionally and mentally.
05:13 He was an expert at mentally twisting all of our minds.
05:18 My mother was a total victim, she was abused physically,
05:23 she was abused every way.
05:24 Emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally.
05:28 The 3 of us boys were like little servants, little
05:32 slaves, it was never consistent.
05:35 One thing I love about God, is He is consistent.
05:38 I never had any consistency in my life where I could
05:42 come home and do my chores from school.
05:45 We were latch key kids where you let yourself in and
05:47 you are at home, because both my parents worked.
05:50 My step dad and my mom.
05:51 So we had many hours where we were just kind of free
05:54 to do whatever, but as long as our chores were done
05:57 and our homework was done.
05:58 Then you would hear the car door close, my dad's truck door,
06:02 and literally there would be ripples of fear that
06:05 would go through your body because have I done
06:08 anything wrong, is everything not kept right,
06:12 have I done everything just right.
06:13 Even if you had you could still be beaten that day.
06:17 And when I say beaten I don't mean like,
06:19 bad little boy, and you get a spanking,
06:22 I'm talking beaten to where, well I'll spare you all
06:26 the details, but I know what it means to be scourged.
06:30 I mean literally, I had this whole, I'll give you a
06:34 quick idea of a mental games.
06:36 I decided that I had had enough and
06:40 I was going to run away.
06:41 I was a suicidal kid, I was a sad kid, a depressed kid.
06:45 We lived through this oppression, and yet when
06:47 we were out and about everything was supposed
06:50 to look like it was okay.
06:52 You better not say anything or all hell would break
06:56 loose and I believed him because I was
06:58 living in hell already.
07:00 The threats on my life, the threats on my mother's
07:04 life or whatever, I didn't question at all.
07:07 It was oh yeah I could see that happening.
07:10 So I went through this one episode to give you an idea,
07:14 where I was going to run away and I did.
07:18 One of my punishments for something was to stack about
07:22 7 or 8 cords of wood by myself and I would be grounded.
07:25 That's a lot of wood for a little kid to stack.
07:28 I didn't want to do it so I ran away 3 doors
07:31 down to my neighbor's house.
07:33 I wasn't quite as adventurous as I am now.
07:35 He finally found me and my mother came and got me.
07:39 I didn't want to go home, I was sick of the abuse,
07:42 sick of everything.
07:43 For a week and a half he taunted me with what the
07:49 consequence was going to be.
07:51 Cheri: So the consequence didn't come right away?
07:53 Not all the time, sometimes it was immediate,
07:56 other times they were delayed to where he would
07:58 mess with your head.
07:59 He would say, this is going to be a good one.
08:02 This is unacceptable and this is going to be,
08:05 and he kept going.
08:06 Finally, after a number of days, he finally came
08:09 to me and said I've got it figured out let's go.
08:11 I said, let's go, what are you talking about?
08:14 He said, let's go!
08:15 So he got in a car and we are driving down the road
08:18 and we get out of this country area.
08:19 I used to live in the Centro California Valley where
08:21 there was lots of agriculture, lots of almond trees.
08:23 We were driving down and he said pick a road.
08:27 I said what, and anytime I said anything he loved to
08:31 backhand so he would backhand me and say, pick a road.
08:34 So were driving and I pick a road and then we were
08:37 driving along, pick an orchard.
08:38 We went through this whole process and then we get out.
08:41 Then he said, pick a row, and I'm thinking honestly
08:43 the guy was going to hang me.
08:45 I had no idea what was going to happen here.
08:47 Then pick a tree, and pick a limb, then pick a branch.
08:51 Then finally climb up and he had me cut the limb.
08:54 This long thin thing, and he was like oh yeah that's
08:57 a good one and is just relishing in this thought that
09:00 he is going use this as an instrument of torture for me.
09:02 He gets me home and I go to bed, because it is not
09:07 time for the punishment yet.
09:09 Cheri: I can't even imagine.
09:10 Then he has me sit down, this is a true story.
09:13 I mean this is a real, he sits me down with a knife in
09:18 the back yard and has me cut all the little things off.
09:22 The little buds, the little branches,
09:24 and whittled this thing down.
09:26 And then he doesn't do it the next day.
09:28 So finally he comes home and today was the day
09:32 he was going to use it.
09:33 He had me strip buck naked and he whipped me from my
09:38 hair to my heels.
09:40 It was crisscrossed, and raised whelps.
09:44 I mean we are talking that I have been scourged.
09:48 Cheri: when you come again when somebody goes through
09:53 that kind of pain, that kind of craziness it is like
09:59 what about the anger and hatred you had?
10:03 Because that had to be building at the same time.
10:05 Of course it had, that's what happens is, when you are
10:08 young, young and that's your existence you don't know
10:11 any better until you figure out, this isn't right.
10:15 This is not normal.
10:16 I go and stayed at friends homes and their dad would
10:18 actually hug the kids and out was like whoa.
10:21 But you know what happened to my mind when I see that?
10:23 I'm going is he molesting his child.
10:25 I would, I think what do you mean he gave his get a kiss
10:29 woe like that's too gay, that's was kind of where I was.
10:33 I had no love from a father and the rage really,
10:40 really built within me.
10:42 And there with my brothers we were violent little kids.
10:45 We were into WWF wrestling and hurting each other.
10:50 I remember choking my middle brother,
10:52 I felt his windpipe crush in my hands.
10:54 I was suicidal, but my middle brother wrestled the
10:59 knife out of my hand and then we'd fight.
11:01 It was horrible, I was a violent kid, but on the
11:07 outside we better be this perfect little representation
11:11 of what the standard American family needs to be.
11:13 It was a big fat lie.
11:15 He was a big fat facade.
11:17 My neighbors, they knew what was going on.
11:19 nobody says a thing.
11:22 Our family members knew it was going on, but they
11:25 are telling her you made the choice so you have
11:28 to live with it, instead of helping and rescuing us.
11:32 I've been tied up, I was hit so hard in the head
11:35 I had a grand-mall seizure.
11:37 I had Petite-mall seizures in seizures after that
11:40 could only be corrected by medication.
11:43 So we are talking it is the real deal,
11:46 it's the real deal.
11:47 Some people have different varying degrees of abuse.
11:51 Some of it is neglect, some is their father didn't
11:54 spend enough time with them or what have you.
11:56 Some is like mine and some is even worse than mine was.
12:01 But the bottom line is any abuse God doesn't sanction.
12:07 God doesn't want us to stay in that.
12:12 I remember crying out one-day and hearing my mother,
12:16 she was abused so bad and she would always try to fight
12:20 for us and different things but it was of no avail.
12:24 I would sit there and just listen to them and would
12:28 cry myself to sleep every night.
12:30 I honestly thought that there could not possibly
12:35 be a God out there that loves me.
12:37 There could not possibly be a God,
12:39 I had heard about God.
12:41 You live in America it's hard not to hear about God.
12:44 I just thought to myself, well if God would allow this,
12:48 I remember screaming and crying out one night just
12:50 saying, if there is a God out there than
12:52 get me out of this.
12:54 I thought You were powerful, why?
12:56 What have I done, and I would just sit there.
12:59 My lot would start the next day over
13:01 and over and over again.
13:04 It was just one of those things, I saw no way out.
13:09 I saw no way out and not only that, I was so torn down,
13:14 beaten down that I had no value.
13:18 I had no self-esteem, I was totally defeated.
13:21 My grades were horrible, I had to be held
13:25 back in the fourth grade.
13:26 I just wasn't thriving anywhere and I was a mess.
13:31 My brothers were too.
13:32 So it was one of those situations where I just,
13:35 it was utter despair, it was utter wait,
13:42 it was the epitome of hopelessness.
13:46 Cheri: and not even, I can't even imagine you
13:50 approaching your home, to go into the home, because it
13:52 would be like I don't even want to go in there again.
13:54 I don't want to do this again.
13:56 I wanted to stay the night, wherever I could,
14:00 at a friends house just to have a reprieve.
14:03 Cheri: so how does God change a child like that?
14:09 How did you meet?
14:10 All I can say is when God was there, because He was
14:17 there sister, He was there.
14:19 He did not make this happen, it was choices my mother
14:24 had made and those choices passed on to me.
14:28 They were negative choices that lead to negative things.
14:32 So I found myself in a situation, I look back now and
14:35 you can intellectualize this and understand it,
14:38 but back then you don't.
14:39 Cheri: but I want talk about it a few minutes
14:43 after you finish your testimony that those choices
14:46 are important, every choice we make is important.
14:49 Christian: no question, so how did I come out of
14:52 all this? What happened?
14:53 As a sophomore in high school
14:55 I went to Child Protective Services.
14:57 Cheri: somebody finally called?
14:58 Christian: no I went, I just showed up at the little
15:02 office in my high school and said -
15:03 and you know what, you want to talk about trembling
15:08 and fear because every one I had ever trusted had
15:13 either violated me, had gone back on their words,
15:17 there was nobody that I could trust.
15:19 I didn't even know if I could trust this lady that
15:23 I was going to go and talk to.
15:24 You know if you say the wrong thing, if they say the
15:27 wrong thing and all of a sudden make that phone call,
15:30 I could be in some serious trouble.
15:32 You don't want to ever bring more trouble so
15:35 I was covertly going around telling her what was
15:38 happening and eventually we got to a place where
15:41 we set up this intervention.
15:45 I wanted the power, I have been so powerless for so
15:49 long, so we set this thing up to where I could make a
15:54 phone call and an arrest would happen.
15:56 Everything would be set into motion.
15:59 I set my step dad and my mom down, and I was trembling.
16:03 I was trembling inside but I knew that a new day was
16:08 dawning and I sat there and said, I have been talking
16:13 to some people at school.
16:14 I will not stand for what is happening in this home
16:19 anymore, if you and I looked him straight in the eye.
16:23 Cheri: how brave you were I just want to say what who!
16:26 Christian: Praise God! Cheri: as you know that
16:28 everything in your life said that
16:32 was going against everything.
16:34 Christian: and this is where I believe God was with me.
16:40 I didn't kill myself, I wasn't killed, and my brothers
16:45 weren't either and my mother was either.
16:47 I believe God was there protecting as much as He could
16:51 because He had been shunned out of our lives.
16:54 Cheri: and you needed to tell somebody.
16:56 Christian: I needed to tell somebody and God
16:57 led me to the right person.
16:58 I believe with all my heart God gave me the strength to
17:02 sit there and look that accuser in the eye, to look
17:06 at that perpetrator and say the beatings will stop.
17:09 I said if you touch one more hair on anyone of our
17:14 heads there will be arrests and investigations
17:17 and it is all over.
17:19 I just went inside and within he got up and stormed
17:25 off and bolted off to the back of the house and my
17:29 mother followed him darting after him.
17:30 Within moments she came back and said,
17:33 why are you doing this to us?
17:35 I mean I've spanked you too and I would get in trouble.
17:37 I said mother with a wooden spoon you know.
17:40 I said no, he had her wrapped around his finger
17:44 in a moments time again.
17:46 So my mother, praise God, woke up,
17:50 this was a wake-up call for her.
17:52 She woke up and a number of months after that she got
17:56 all of her affairs in order, she got that courage
17:58 that I believe God instilled in her as well,
18:01 to where eventually we left.
18:04 Cheri: the reality is when your children start to speak,
18:07 you have to say is my child lying or is this the truth.
18:11 Christian: because she was a victim herself,
18:13 she was so oppressed as well.
18:15 So what happened was, my mother arranged for police
18:21 standing by, all the family was coming,
18:23 we moved out in a day.
18:25 The cops were there and we were free,
18:30 I mean we were FREE!
18:32 For the first time, I remember walking into a home
18:35 and going like no one is going to touch me.
18:40 I was free and with that freedom my mother and
18:45 I just embraced it and were excited about it.
18:48 I got involved in theater, we moved to a
18:51 different city, I got involved theater in
18:53 high school as a junior and senior.
18:55 Got really addicted to performing and being on stage.
19:01 Eventually I was winning awards and singing up there.
19:05 I got all the lead parts and all of those kind of things
19:09 because what happened in my mind was I went from being
19:12 this oppressed, where I wasn't going to buy it, to
19:15 wanting to overachieve and become successful in
19:18 everything I did and touched.
19:19 Cheri: exactly!
19:20 My grades went up, I got 4.0's everything
19:22 just changed in my life just been freed.
19:25 My brothers went the opposite direction.
19:28 They went into drugs and alcohol and
19:32 they are still struggling today.
19:34 My youngest brother started using at 12 years old.
19:37 Cheri: you know you have to deal with that pain
19:40 because we were not created for that much pain
19:42 and that much abuse.
19:44 Christian: they cloaked it with alcohol and drugs,
19:47 and my youngest brother smoked pot
19:50 like they were cigarettes.
19:51 Up to just 2 years ago he has 2 years sobriety.
19:56 He is in AA and NA.
19:58 Cheri: so tell him God bless him.
20:01 Christian: I will and I am going to give them a tape
20:02 of this program because it is a real thing and to this
20:05 day they're struggling but they're having victory.
20:08 So my youngest brother is coming to God and he has a
20:12 relationship with the Lord.
20:14 Cheri: so let me get back to you is, so there was
20:16 this performance when did you come to God?
20:17 Was it during that time?
20:19 No it wasn't during that time, in fact I didn't
20:21 come to any sort of a relationship with Christ
20:23 until my mid-twenties.
20:25 Cheri: and the reason I have to ask, you know why have
20:27 to ask is that I think, I've seen people come into the
20:29 recovery, do all kinds of stuff, but coming out of the
20:33 abuse is not healing.
20:35 Christian: no it is not, Cheri: you know what I mean?
20:37 Christian: exactly!, Cheri: I believe God offers
20:39 healing and that is why I'm always saying, well,
20:41 went God come in, when did you get it?
20:42 Christian: well when I got through with high school
20:46 and went on to junior college, I start taking a bunch
20:49 of Ology classes in many of the Ology classes teach you
20:52 absolutely opposite and against God.
20:54 And so the only Cheri: one of my Psychology classes
20:57 almost killed me Christian: exactly!
20:58 I took child psych and I've learned about Freud and
21:01 thought know that guy is a freak because I lived
21:04 with a freak and I know what freak it is.
21:06 I wound up having many, and I left out I was abused
21:12 by a babysitter sexually and other things happened
21:16 as well after we left my biological father as well.
21:22 So there are lots of other junk in there, but what
21:25 happened was, I found that I wanted to better myself.
21:30 I wasn't going to be a victim.
21:31 I found out was actually addicted to be in a victim.
21:35 Even though I was overachieving and trying to do all
21:39 this kind of stuff, in whatever I did I wanted it
21:41 to be perfect and done just right.
21:42 It was the sense that I wanted to
21:45 prove my step-dad wrong.
21:47 I got into martial arts and got into competition,
21:50 my whole goal was to go back and to literally
21:53 rip is head off and kill him.
21:55 I did not want that person on this earth
21:59 to hurt someone else.
22:00 I started taking all these self-help courses and
22:05 all the powers within, and poly positive thinking
22:10 and all this kind of stuff.
22:11 I did everything I could find, devoured books
22:14 and courses and went to seminars and it would
22:17 work for little bit.
22:18 I was a happy well-adjusted guy for a little bit.
22:22 Then through a series of amazing events,
22:25 God got a hold of my life.
22:27 He got a hold of me through a health problem.
22:30 My whole lifestyle changed and I was now open to
22:36 the idea that there was a God.
22:41 Wasn't sold, because I had heard of Him as
22:45 my Father in heaven.
22:46 Okay, and another father that is probably going to
22:50 abuse me because everyone had.
22:52 So fathers don't have good things in my mind, right?
22:55 So I was sure was going to be do this, a bad place in
23:01 the universe, and I wasn't about you trust anyone.
23:06 What happened was I found a scripture, that was
23:11 shared with me because a friend of mine had heard
23:16 of some of my childhood.
23:18 Not a lot of people know all the details about it.
23:21 All of a sudden he gives me this Scripture in
23:27 Matthew 11:28 and it says, "come unto me all ye that
23:34 labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. "
23:40 It doesn't say I might, it doesn't say if you're
23:44 good enough, it didn't say if you were cleaned of
23:48 all these rageful ideas and even fantasizing of going
23:52 and taking somebody's life who had hurt me.
23:55 No it's said, "come unto me all ye that heavy laden
23:58 and I will give you rest. "
24:00 I was I heavy ladened kid, I need rest from that.
24:03 I had so much emotional baggage
24:05 I couldn't love properly.
24:08 Cheri: Amen or be loved.
24:10 Christian: or beloved, I wouldn't accept it,
24:11 even if someone wanted to come near me and give me an
24:14 affectionate hug, or touch my hair I would shy away.
24:17 His thing was that he really love to get our hair and
24:21 his on the head and different things.
24:22 So I couldn't even be affectionately touched and
24:26 yet I was crying out for it, I needed affection,
24:29 I needed love, I needed someone
24:31 to love me unconditionally.
24:32 I met this beautiful young lady and I just spilled
24:37 my beans with her.
24:39 And she accepted it and spilled her beans with me,
24:42 and she had been hurt and violated in her past.
24:44 We built this wonderful friendship and it was the
24:48 first person I could ever really trust.
24:50 She didn't want anything from me and I didn't want
24:53 anything from her, we were monogamists.
24:56 We were not even involved we were just friends.
24:58 I even asked her if I could hold her hand eventually.
25:00 It was just this neat innocent thing, and they were so
25:04 much lack of innocence in my life up till that point.
25:06 But I couldn't love her completely, and I have had other
25:13 relationships with women and I couldn't ever love them.
25:18 I was so egotistical and I was so proud and pompous,
25:23 everything was about me, because nothing had been
25:26 about me before and I swung to the other side.
25:29 I have to say that is real common for
25:31 people who get abused, proboto know that is intense,
25:34 this grandiosity and all those kind of things
25:36 as a way of just clothe all that junk.
25:41 It just, some but he will look at him and say
25:43 that guy is so arrogant and he really is not.
25:46 Christian: because inside you are just going,
25:48 you're just this little messed up kid, so you
25:52 put on this facade and you don't even affect
25:55 it or act it is just what happens as a coping device.
25:58 And that is what I did and I escaped through
26:01 theater and all that.
26:02 Cheri: and you were talking about that also being
26:04 that you were used to the victim role,
26:07 so you are used to being a victim.
26:09 Christian: I was and that is when I went on that
26:11 discovery course of trying to find myself, who I am,
26:17 and do I have value.
26:18 I was going to be a millionaire by the time I was 30.
26:22 I was going to be rich and successful at all this type
26:24 of thing and I went all through all those courses.
26:26 They lasted for a little bit and if my effects
26:31 or results were there for maybe a
26:32 couple months or whatever.
26:33 Then back to all my old bad programming,
26:36 that I don't amount to anything, not worth anything
26:39 to anybody, I can't beloved, not lovable,
26:41 and all this stuff until.
26:43 Cheri: I like the until, I'm like come on.
26:46 Until have we sufficed that the bad news is bad?
26:51 Because the bad news is only as bad as the good news is.
26:57 So the good news is Jesus got a hold of my heart and
27:04 He began to perform a surgery in my life.
27:07 It was real people, because I had tried everything
27:11 else and it never lasted.
27:13 I'm a 12 year Christian now and it has lasted.
27:18 God began to dissect that emotional baggage from me.
27:21 I couldn't even talk hardly about my childhood
27:24 without just breaking down.
27:26 To this day my brother, big, thick, burly 6 foot guy,
27:30 and you talked him about his childhood, he just breaks.
27:35 He doesn't have Christ in his life.
27:38 He hasn't had the deliverance that I have had,
27:41 come unto me all ye that labor, under the weight
27:46 of your junk, what ever it is, and I will give you rest.
27:50 It doesn't say I might, I'll think about it, He says I
27:53 will, I promise.
27:56 You know why, because God has loved me from day one.
28:00 He has seen all the torture and all the junk I lived
28:03 through and He hasn't wanted that for me.
28:05 He had something else in mind, but because of my
28:08 my mother's choices that didn't happen in my life
28:11 So my early years can you characterized by, I didn't
28:15 know God yet, but He was still my protector.
28:18 Amen! The middle part of my life God was, yes my
28:23 protector continually, and also He became my Savior.
28:28 I remember praying that prayer and just saying Jesus,
28:30 you know I can pray different today than I used to,
28:33 I would just say, look if you take me I'm here.
28:37 I want that freedom, I've got a lot of issues,
28:41 I got a lot of junk, I've got a lot of stuff and Jesus said,
28:44 yes I have been here the whole time Christian, welcome!
28:48 Into actually acknowledging and excepting that power,
28:53 that deliverance, that grace and the mercy and the
28:56 forgiveness for sin.
28:58 Cheri: what is really interesting to me is I think
29:00 all of heaven does back flips.
29:01 It's like anytime we start to look up, it's like oh,
29:04 finally that somebody will call out in their
29:07 sense to let Me intervene.
29:09 What is really interesting to me, what I found
29:12 out with God in my own life, is I can't intervene
29:14 in everybody's choices.
29:15 People are going to still make bad choices and all
29:17 that kind of stuff, but if you're done I can jump
29:20 into your life, if you're done, if you're stepping
29:23 out of all that, if you were saying, come into
29:26 to my heart and cut away this anger,
29:29 this revenge and this hurt, this damage.
29:32 I need some healing, I need some rest.
29:34 Christian: my legacy, let's just call it like it is.
29:38 My legacy should according to cultivated and
29:40 hereditary tendencies be too evil.
29:42 What I should be is a child molesting, child abusing,
29:49 pot smoking, alcohol drinking, can't hold down a job,
29:55 a rage-aholic, that should be my destiny according to
29:59 popular thought processes, even counseling.
30:03 You know what I didn't have to go to a counselor
30:06 to be rewired, Jesus Christ, because I said take me,
30:10 re-wired me and so I am a loving father, I don't
30:15 abuse my children, I don't look at a child and
30:17 think in an inappropriate way.
30:20 I Look into the eyes of children and tell you almost
30:24 every time if that child is abused or not.
30:26 I know, I have been there, I can see it in their eyes.
30:30 So now God has worked things out in my life to where I
30:34 became a Christian, I gave my life to Him.
30:36 I went from worldly working in the world to a Ministry
30:41 overnight, it's amazing, me in a Ministry.
30:45 Give me a break I would have never thought
30:46 that in a million years.
30:48 But then I started to have this desire to serve God.
30:52 And I serve Him and have been serving Him since that
30:54 day, my whole life is about serving God now and
30:57 telling other people there is a way out.
31:00 Cheri: there is a way out.
31:01 Christian: and it's Jesus Christ, the righteous.
31:02 Cheri: I'm going to open up the floor for questions,
31:05 because I know people have questions for you and
31:07 then we will get back into, I want to know
31:09 specifically how you got rid of the anger.
31:10 Okay, Joleen you had a question.
31:13 Joleen: Actually Cheri that is the question that I had
31:16 as far as anger.
31:18 You know I can so relate to your story Christian,
31:20 I too grew up in a home where our dad was just so
31:24 physically abusive, and not to his kids because
31:28 there's actually 8 of us, to my mom.
31:30 I mean from just years and years of mental, sexual,
31:35 physical every kind of abuse.
31:37 It was different for us because we weren't physically
31:41 abused, but we were made to stand there and watch.
31:44 He would make us up at two in the morning to watch my
31:49 dad beat my mom and we would have to clean the house
31:51 at two o'clock the morning on school nights because
31:54 the house had to be in order and be perfect.
31:56 You know I think nothing is right in their world,
31:59 it was like they need something in order on the outside.
32:02 But my question is, we grew up hating our dad and there
32:07 was so much anger just watching that day in and day out.
32:11 There was a time when dad abused her so bad that he
32:14 actually took her out of state and said she was
32:17 in a car accident, because he almost killed her.
32:19 So we had such hatred and anger, how did you deal with
32:24 that, how did you get past that, and how did you actually
32:26 come to the point where you forgive?
32:28 Cheri: that's huge!
32:29 Christian: yeah it is.
32:31 Dealing with the anger was something that didn't happen
32:34 overnight, in fact honestly I didn't realize how angry
32:38 and how explosive I actually was.
32:41 I mean even in the little things in my life, I would
32:43 be so amped up, and so enraged, because it was all
32:48 the strings that Satan had bound to my soul you know.
32:52 So what began to happen in my life, like I mentioned
32:56 I was in martial arts, that gave me a physical outlet
33:00 but not an emotional one.
33:01 Unfortunately every time I was kicking a bag or an
33:04 opponent I saw his face and I would just kind of
33:06 annihilate him.
33:07 One day I went, I think this was really pivotal for me,
33:13 I went and approached him in my mid-twenties.
33:17 I know where he works, he has his own company, and I
33:20 went in there and I said, he didn't even recognize me.
33:23 I said, Cheri: wasn't there a part of you, you almost
33:28 totally destroyed my life and you don't even recognize
33:31 me, you know you just want to grab him, are you kidding
33:34 me, I think about you every day of my life.
33:36 Christian: isn't it amazing? Cheri: yes!
33:38 That's what happens and I was a victim still
33:41 Cheri: when you're saying that, it's like that's not so
33:43 right! Christian: it wasn't, but I went there and
33:46 approached, I approached him and said, he was starting
33:51 to mess with my adult life is what happened.
33:53 I went to him and said look you messed with my childhood,
33:56 you are not going to mess with my adult life.
33:59 If you so much as say one more thing I'm going to come
34:02 back here and take you out, and he saw the resolve
34:05 in my eyes, I got in a stance and was ready to round-
34:09 house him right to the head.
34:10 I was ready, I saw in that moment, because he started to
34:15 come I was sitting in a chair and he realized who I was.
34:17 He was poking me in the chest, and said what are you
34:20 doing here in my place, and I stood up and brushed him
34:23 off and I was a little taller than him, he was so huge
34:27 in my mind, and I was a little taller than him.
34:31 I realized at that moment
34:33 I looked at him and said this whole discourse and
34:35 told him look, you are pathetic little man,
34:39 stay out of my life.
34:42 I turned around and walked out.
34:44 Now I don't recommend this is what everybody does.
34:46 I'm just telling you my testimony, this is what I did.
34:49 But it was a moment in time where I realized I'm not
34:53 going to let you hold me bound anymore.
34:56 There again I wasn't even a Christian at this point.
34:58 But it was God working in my mind and changing me and
35:03 rewiring me, and then years later as I became a
35:08 Christian, then God said, we have to start dealing
35:12 with this rage that's inside of you.
35:14 So what God did is He took me on a little journey.
35:17 In my mind I could see that he was an abused little boy.
35:23 He was, because I knew his father, my step grandpa.
35:28 I saw this heritage of these staunch, Portuguese family
35:33 that was just so hard, so mean and cruel to each other.
35:38 They call that family, so dysfunctional.
35:42 I was able to, in fact I began to pray, this was a key.
35:46 I began to pray, Jesus help me to see my step dad,
35:50 how YOU see him.
35:52 I didn't want it, I didn't want to see it because
35:56 he didn't deserve to be in heaven.
35:58 That is where I was.
36:00 So God took me on a process to where I actually
36:04 decided okay, I want to see him how You see him.
36:08 I saw he was a trapped victim, he was allowing his
36:14 experience to victimize him and he was in turn
36:19 victimizing other people.
36:20 So I saw him as a soul that Jesus died for,
36:23 that was a miracle, that was a miracle!
36:26 You told me a little of your testimony and I know
36:29 to be able to look at him and honestly look at him now,
36:32 and I hope and I do pray for him.
36:34 I hope that if God can change him, and I know God can
36:39 because God has changed me.
36:40 I'm free I'm filled with joy, I'm a joy filled saved
36:44 man Amen! Cheri: all those foods are healed for you.
36:47 Christian: they're all healed, I am healed to were now
36:50 I can love my wife, that girlfriend I wound up marrying,
36:54 her, I can love her freely.
36:56 I was separated from her for a while, God got a-hold of
36:59 my heart, in that six-month period of time he cut away
37:02 so much baggage, so much anger fell out of a lot of my
37:05 life, where when she came back into my life,
37:07 she was like who are you?
37:09 Who are you?
37:10 I was free to love and I could just hold her and hug
37:13 her, she was like what, this is the love of
37:15 Jesus that has made me whole.
37:20 Do you know what I'm saying, it's real and it is the
37:23 only thing that has lasted in my life.
37:25 God has never abused me, God has only done good things
37:29 to me, He has only held me in His hands and said,
37:32 Christian I will never, never hurt you.
37:35 I will never touch you in an inappropriate way,
37:38 and you know what I'm longing for, I'm longing for
37:43 that day when my Father, because I have a Father now.
37:48 I have never had one, I have a Father.
37:51 He is going to take me and put His arm around me and
37:54 say, come on Christian, let's go take a walk by that
37:57 river of life, let's go sit under that tree.
37:59 Let's go one have that walk and say, you are all Mine
38:04 right now, Amen!
38:06 So how did I do away with the anger?
38:09 I didn't do away with it, Jesus Christ did away with it.
38:13 He cut it away from me and it fell over that
38:15 abyss into the sea.
38:17 And you know what I don't go fishing for it anymore.
38:21 I would do that in my life, I would say and start
38:25 to feel sad and sorry for myself, I would start that
38:28 victim roll all over again.
38:30 All the things that were happening in my life were
38:33 because of what happened to me and my childhood.
38:35 No, God said, Christian your past does not have to
38:39 equal your present or your future.
38:42 I have an expected end for you, Amen!
38:46 So he took me from this guy that was learning about
38:51 Jesus to where he eventually, and I work for a couple
38:54 different ministries and then the Lord pulls me into
38:56 this full-time Ministry that we started 9 years ago.
38:59 Now I go and sing and preach around the country and
39:02 I give my testimony.
39:03 You know it breaks my heart when I give my testimony,
39:08 and it is a real testimony, I have young people that
39:11 come up to me and say, HELP!
39:14 I have married women come up to me and go HELP!
39:18 We have to give the church, because friends the church
39:22 is just as messed up some times,
39:24 because the church is a hospital.
39:26 The church is not for perfect people because if it
39:28 was I wouldn't be there, is for people that need
39:30 to be repaired and fixed and patched up.
39:33 I had lots of holes in me.
39:34 It's a hospital, so there is a bunch of walking wounded
39:39 and I didn't realize it.
39:41 I thought when I joined the church, I was the only
39:43 messed up one.
39:44 Cheri: you know there is some healing when you start
39:46 talking to each other. Christian: absolutely!
39:48 Cheri: God did this for me yesterday and somebody's
39:50 like you know what I going to pray for that today.
39:52 It is like being able to verbally say, and you know
39:55 what God is continuously, every day bringing
39:58 me a step closer, helping me to forgive.
40:00 So now in our Ministry as we sing, and preach,
40:03 and do media work as well, what has opened
40:07 up was this counseling.
40:08 We invite people into our homes, married people,
40:11 people that are having problems, youth that are
40:13 struggling, suicidal kids.
40:15 We just invite them in to our family and show them
40:18 that there is a way that God wants us to live and
40:21 to love each other, to be a happy patriarchal
40:25 family with a loving wife, and little
40:27 kids that love worship.
40:28 Cheri: in a father that adores them.
40:30 And I do I love them and adore them, I'm missing
40:32 them terribly even right now.
40:33 We have another question, so Sam you had a question.
40:37 Well yes Cheri, Christian I feel your pain because
40:42 I was in an abusive-
40:43 Christian: brother I have no more pain, so keep going.
40:45 No, I felt your pain as a child because I had a
40:48 father-son relationship similar to yours to the point
40:52 where I hated my father and I looking for the day
40:55 up when I could become independent from my father.
40:57 Therefore I had a really skewed picture of God
41:02 and I didn't want God in my life.
41:04 I became a high achiever, I wanted to do things
41:09 independently as a self achiever.
41:11 I could do everything without God, without nobody
41:13 because all those putdowns from my dad, you know they
41:17 created a scar in my life that I wanted to bury deep.
41:21 I said I can do everything, and you know what,
41:24 I found out that I could not do it.
41:26 Philippians 4:13 became my text, "I can do all things
41:32 through God that strengthens me. "
41:34 But my question to you is how did you become
41:37 independent from God at one time, did you feel that
41:43 independence where you felt like God, I don't need You,
41:46 You weren't there for me because you didn't think
41:48 He was there for you?
41:49 Most of, up till that time I had that moment that
41:54 euphony, Jesus say come unto me all you that are
41:56 heavy laden I will give you rest.
41:57 I needed that, I was a self-sufficient individual.
42:02 I didn't need anybody to tell me anything,
42:04 I didn't want anyone to give me rules and that is
42:06 how I saw God because I had a little exposure
42:08 to the Catholic Church.
42:09 He was a bunch of rules and regulations,
42:10 I bunch of hypocrites going in there that were
42:12 fighting and tangling with each other but become holy in the
42:15 parking lot before they walked in the church.
42:17 So I didn't want God, I had no desire for Him.
42:21 To think that another dictator in my life,
42:24 that was the last thing I wanted.
42:26 But I had his skewed vision of what God was.
42:30 God, as you mentioned in the beginning, God is love.
42:35 God is love, and a wish we could go on but
42:38 we are out of time and I just have to say
42:41 I am so proud of what God has done in your life.
42:44 I'm proud of you for responding to it and
42:46 I know that He is not done.
42:48 You have a beautiful family, incredible ministry,
42:50 a vocalist, I can't wait to get a CD right?
42:54 Christian: I'll get you one.
42:55 All right that's a deal Cheri: pinky promise?
42:56 Christian: pinky promise alright.
42:57 Cheri: So I just want to say God bless you and may
43:01 be one of these days we'll have you come back on so
43:03 we can go into more depth of what God has done to get
43:06 rid of the anger, to get rid of the depression,
43:08 get rid of the unforgiveness.
43:10 Once He steps into our lives and does that,
43:12 oh man you know I what, I want to kiss Him on the face,
43:15 and just say You wow me, You wow me.
43:18 We will be right back, stay with us!


Revised 2014-12-17