Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), John Leaman
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000023
00:11 Welcome to Celebrating Life in Recovery,
00:13 I am Cheri your host.
00:14 Have you ever felt like you just don't fit in?
00:16 Something is not just quite right?
00:18 If you have ever felt like that I have some awesome news
00:21 for you, life-changing.
00:50 When I was young, and some of you have heard this, my mom
00:54 well before I was born my mom tried to self aboard
00:57 a number of times and she was 14 years old.
01:00 I was her second child and my father was beating her and
01:03 that type of stuff.
01:05 She just had this horrible realization that another child
01:09 is going to make this worse of course.
01:11 So she tried to self aboard.
01:13 Coat hangers, pills, hot tubs, all kinds of things.
01:16 I remember as I had some kind of awareness of that anger
01:22 and that desperation in her life as I grew up.
01:27 I knew that I wasn't loved, couldn't figure out what it
01:29 was all about, but about three years old was my first
01:32 memory of really desperately trying to get
01:34 my mom to love me.
01:36 I did everything, I would go in the bedroom and would stand
01:39 in front of the mirror and figure out a song, I'd think
01:42 that's perfect, it's such a good song.
01:44 I would run out and sing for her, I'd think if I did it
01:47 well enough, maybe she would let me sit next to her.
01:52 Maybe she would say, you know I love that, or I love you
01:56 or something, but she would usually get mad at me.
01:59 She would say something, why are you always hanging on me?
02:02 I remember hearing that so many times.
02:05 I heard that I wasn't wanted growing up.
02:08 I heard that I was all the problem, if it wasn't for me
02:11 their life would be fine in those kinds of things.
02:15 I don't want to sound pathetic, but as a little girl she
02:19 would laugh and play with someone else and I would so
02:22 want that, I would just want that.
02:25 At the same time that my dad was molesting us.
02:28 My mom was very angry, very withdrawn, her life was just
02:35 like I said falling apart.
02:37 She had five kids before she was 21 years old.
02:39 So I wasn't the only child, but I was probably the one
02:42 she felt, because she was so young, that if it wasn't,
02:45 if I had gotten pregnant now I could have somehow
02:48 gotten out of this.
02:52 Before I get into that, I want to introduce you to those
02:55 at the café, this is going to be a little heavy at first.
02:58 But I'm telling you to stay with me because you know what?
03:02 God has so blessed me that all that hurt, when I think
03:06 about it I feel it, you know what, I don't think about it
03:09 too much, so stay with us.
03:11 I'm going to introduce you to the people at the café.
03:13 We've got Jim, and John Lehman, and John would get to
03:16 hear your testimony today and I'm thrilled.
03:18 We have Monique, we've got Irma,
03:20 we've got Amy and Kristin.
03:22 I'm so glad that you are here.
03:23 When I said I was young I had all this stuff going on.
03:28 I was trying to figure out who I am, where do I fit,
03:32 and I so never fit anywhere.
03:34 I never felt like I belonged anywhere.
03:38 As I grew up I just got, I think worse.
03:43 I did drugs for the first time when I was 11 or 12 years
03:47 old, and the first time I did drugs I'm like Yahoo.
03:51 I don't feel like killing myself, I don't care if you
03:54 don't like me, you don't like me, too bad!
03:57 I am here, and you know I just got loud, it felt like
04:02 every single thing that was wrong in my life, was OK.
04:07 Every single thing, and it was weird to me.
04:10 I couldn't figure out, why didn't somebody tell me about
04:16 these drugs sooner? If you know what I mean?
04:18 I remember just going on the street and
04:22 I no longer cared about that.
04:24 As the Holy Spirit started drawing me to Him, as I got
04:28 older, I was on the street for 10 years.
04:30 We have talked about that on another show.
04:33 But as the Holy Spirit started drawing me to Him,
04:35 I had an encounter with God.
04:37 An encounter with Jesus Christ who said to me, I love you.
04:42 I remember sitting there, I had never been loved by anyone.
04:46 I really felt that, 10 years on the streets I had seen
04:49 some things that were just absolutely horrendous and so
04:53 I had never felt so loved by anyone.
04:54 But I hear God say, I love you.
04:58 I started crying at first, I'm 100 pounds, strung out on
05:02 heroine by that time, 23 years old.
05:04 I had teeth missing out of the front of my mouth and
05:06 I said, look at me.
05:10 All I got when I said that was a sense that God gave me
05:15 a vision of this beautiful girl, not damaged, not unloved,
05:19 and He said this is who I see when I look at you.
05:22 I wept, I thought that this girl was beautiful and
05:26 innocent, and I said I'd never been that.
05:28 Obviously loved, I have never been that.
05:31 He said, I promise you, if you stand up I will walk you
05:35 into this because you are all that to Me.
05:38 I so love you, I so want everything for you.
05:41 I want you to feel love that you have never felt in your
05:44 life, and I think about, at that time as the Holy Spirit
05:47 drew me to God, I believe, the Bible is clear about it,
05:51 the Bible says I am now adopted into the family of God.
05:55 I'm like shut up, how fun is that?
05:58 Think of this, most families when a child comes into
06:02 their life, they do a room for them, they get ready for
06:05 them, they so love them, and pick out a name, they give
06:09 that child their name, they will do what ever it takes to
06:12 let that child know that you are so loved.
06:15 When they come into this household, so loved.
06:17 I thought, what happened, that's not the home I came from.
06:20 What happens when you are adopted into the family of God?
06:24 Right, this is a God that spoke the world into existence,
06:28 right? Spoke the world into existence.
06:31 When Christ came, He came down to this planet, walked into
06:35 villages and healed every single body there, everybody there.
06:38 I'm like stop, everybody?
06:40 They said sometimes he left the village with not
06:42 one sick person was there.
06:44 When they say sick, I don't even care about physical
06:47 sicknesses anymore, I know a lot of people that are
06:50 mentally sick, and I bet there was not one mentally sick
06:53 person there, there was not one depressed person there.
06:55 There was not one person that wanted to kill themselves
06:58 there after Christ walked through.
07:00 I'm thinking, okay, how cool is that?
07:01 But now I'm adopted into His family, coming into His home.
07:06 I thought is He going to heal me like that?
07:11 He's my Father, would He say no, no I don't want to heal
07:15 you though, I will go through an entire village and heal
07:18 everybody there, but as my adopted child, I won't heal you.
07:22 How ridiculous is that?
07:23 As His adopted child, I am, He pours into me, pours into me
07:29 He wants to heal every part of me.
07:31 I have to get that because it is not something that He
07:34 has to do, I am His child.
07:36 He would do a back flips around the house to make me
07:40 laugh, because I'm His child.
07:42 That's what we do with kids, right?
07:43 You want to make them laugh, you throw them up in the air,
07:45 and do all that type of stuff.
07:46 We are God's kids, and I kept thinking as a little girl
07:49 three years old, nobody was doing that to me.
07:52 But as the Holy Spirit drew me into this new relationship
07:55 with God, God said, you don't even know, you don't even
07:58 know that I am your Father in everything that you didn't
08:01 get as a kid, I want to give you.
08:03 Everything you didn't get growing up, all the stuff that
08:06 is in your head that says you are worth nothing,
08:08 I want to show you every single day that was such a lie.
08:12 I want to give you the entire universe,
08:14 your inheritance is huge, and not huge in cash, huge in
08:19 every single thing else.
08:21 Not that we don't get cash because God wants to bless us.
08:24 But it is huge in everything, it's like all the
08:27 insecurities I had are going to be gone.
08:29 I had hepatitis A, B and C, a lot of people know that.
08:32 God healed me, I couldn't even believe that.
08:34 I think that was amazing. I had teeth missing out of
08:36 the front of my mouth and He puts a dentist almost
08:39 right in front me.
08:40 This dentist says, can I fix your teeth?
08:42 Hello, of course you can and I want to see the whole
08:46 thing, people know they are going to cut into my face,
08:49 scrape my face because it is all rotted, and I just want
08:52 to watch the whole thing.
08:53 I thought I have a Father that every single thing
08:56 was important to Him.
08:57 I learned to read, I went back to school and all that
09:01 stuff and I still had some stuff I was dealing with.
09:04 That was interesting, because when the Holy Spirit
09:07 comes in, when you come into God's house,
09:09 it feels like as soon as I walk in that all that stuff
09:12 should be left at the door, right?
09:14 God says if you want to leave it at the door, but we
09:17 think we need it, no, no, I'm stuffing my pockets full.
09:20 I'm taking all my garbage with me, I have a backpack on,
09:23 I have a couple suitcases with the junk.
09:25 What is really fun about God is He says, if you have
09:27 to bring it in, bring it in, but if you don't want to,
09:30 you can leave everything single thing behind.
09:33 To the extent that you get that, your healing will happen
09:35 instantaneously, most of us don't get it right away.
09:38 We come into God's house, still rebelling, we still have
09:41 anger issues, were still on porn once in a while.
09:44 We are still doing all that stuff and God is long-
09:47 suffering, the Bible says in Romans 2:4.
09:51 But He hangs in there with us, He just is long-suffering.
09:55 He says I will work with you every time you fall down,
09:58 every time you stand up, because you are My child.
10:02 I think your lovely and I can't wait to till you see it.
10:05 When you see it enough you'll never have hurt yourself
10:08 again, that you will never want to die again, that you
10:11 will never feel like you are not worth anything again
10:13 because you're worth everything to Me, everything to Me.
10:17 It says the angels in heaven watch us, the angels in
10:19 Heaven watch us and I used to think they watched us
10:22 because when we fell down they thought, oh man poof,
10:25 there's another one and she did it again.
10:27 God says stop, let Me tell you what really happens.
10:30 I believe through the Holy Spirit God told me this.
10:33 That He doesn't say, check every time we do something
10:37 wrong, every single time we get it, every single time
10:40 I can rest in God's love, every single time
10:43 all of Heaven stands up.
10:45 Wow, I think John's got it, did you see his face?
10:49 There was joy on his face and that's what they check.
10:52 They don't check when we mess up because they would
10:55 be running out of pencils, if you know what I mean?
10:58 We're messing up right and left and God says I check when
11:01 you get it because I so want you to understand how love you are.
11:04 You are my child, He says it in almost every page of the
11:07 Bible, every page of the Bible.
11:09 Years after I accepted Christ, He was amazing to me.
11:15 When I got married, I married a guy that was Mr. December.
11:19 In a calendar the most eligible bachelor in Northern California
11:23 They had all kinds of people.
11:24 They had people from real estate, they have lawyers and
11:27 doctors, my husband happened to be in skilled harmonics so
11:30 he was in the symphony and he was Mr. December, so calendar
11:33 boy, I thought that was hilarious.
11:34 So God gives me this husband that is just adorable.
11:37 He was a Boy Scout until he was 18 years old.
11:40 I'm thinking how funny is that?
11:41 He was so not enabling me, I would want to be crazy and
11:46 chaotic, he did not enable any of that.
11:50 So I was able to give that up easier and it was fun.
11:54 But I asked God if I could get into ministry?
11:56 I really wanted to get into ministry, and do you know why?
12:00 Because I love Him so much, and I know He changes lives.
12:04 I know there are people that don't know that and
12:06 I want to tell them.
12:07 I want to tell the prostitutes in Thailand that is five,
12:11 that we have a God they can change your life.
12:14 I want to tell the person who had just buried their loved one,
12:20 that we have a God that is going to raise them up.
12:22 You know what I mean how I want to tell people.
12:23 So I said I want to get into ministry.
12:26 So He lets me do that which is amazing.
12:28 We have an international ministry, we do this television
12:30 show, and all that stuff.
12:32 I'm at this gig one time, I'm at a church and I was doing the
12:36 speaking thing and I get down and this woman comes up to
12:38 me, and I've known her for a while.
12:41 She's in Walla Walla Washington and she came up to me and
12:44 said, Cheri does your mother love you yet?
12:47 And I looked at her, I wanted to just answer, I usually
12:51 can answer that without a lot of pain, but I started
12:55 crying and I was embarrassed.
12:57 I couldn't stop crying and I finally said,
12:59 you know I don't think so.
13:01 I don't think so not because my mother is bad, my mother is so
13:05 damaged, nobody ever loved her, do you know what I mean?
13:08 She never learned how to love a child, she never had it in her,
13:11 she did not know how to do all that stuff and she got
13:14 damaged again very early having children of her own.
13:17 So pray for my mom, because it wasn't even her fault.
13:21 She just had all this junk happen to her.
13:22 It hit me off guard when she said that and I said no.
13:27 She said I don't even understand that.
13:30 You're just my friend and I love you and she left that day
13:35 and she asked her whole family, what would you think if
13:40 we adopted a little girl?
13:43 She asked everybody, and they thought it was a lovely idea.
13:47 So she came back to me, I was 43 at the time.
13:50 You know Cheri, I would like to adopt you.
13:53 I'm thinking, can you do that? I'm like old you know.
13:57 I don't know if you could do that.
13:59 She said I would like to adopt you.
14:00 Her name is Marcia and her husband's name is John, and so
14:04 John just had tears in his eyes.
14:07 Like you know what, please say yes.
14:10 I'm thinking why do I want to say yes?
14:14 My whole body is like yes, you know.
14:17 I don't say that to everybody and I don't mean that to
14:20 everybody, I wasn't looking for that but everything in me
14:23 just wanted to say yes.
14:24 So I said yes, and so we wrote up these adoption papers
14:27 and all that, it was a fun thing to do.
14:30 Then I get home and the next week I get a birthday card
14:35 in the mail, my first birthday card.
14:38 It's a little umbrella with a duck, Happy First Birthday.
14:43 I'm like shut up, how fun is that.
14:45 I read it and it was this little you know what?
14:48 I'm going to send you a card every week until I catch up
14:50 with your age. How fun is that?
14:52 It was so cute and I read it and showed people and
14:55 we laughed and it was adorable.
14:57 I set it down and the next week, I did, I got my second birthday
15:01 card and it was another little tiny kids birthday card.
15:05 It said something really sweet inside and
15:07 I could just feel myself heal.
15:12 It's weird, I could just feel it and all of a sudden
15:15 I'm almost standing by the mailbox.
15:19 I'm thinking I'm a grown woman and I'm standing by the
15:22 mailbox waiting for my birthday cards.
15:24 So I get my third birthday card, my third birthday card
15:27 is when I remember singing to my mom and her telling me
15:31 to stop hanging on her.
15:32 I remember my dad had molested me, the molest was so
15:36 horrendous that I can't even share it with you.
15:39 Do you know what I mean, he had me and my sister side by side.
15:42 We never talked about it to each other and when we were grown,
15:45 not grown, I think we were grown kids, three, my sister
15:48 was four and my other sister was two and we were sitting
15:51 side by side in the molest.
15:53 And that's what I remember at three.
15:55 So I opened my third birthday card and she says, Cheri
15:59 I bet you were lovely and I wish I could have held your
16:04 face and just kissed you.
16:06 I cried, I stood there with this card in my hand and
16:11 just cried, and I thought God why do you do this to us?
16:16 I felt a piece of me that was so empty, a piece of me that
16:20 was so lost, that piece I felt God step in and just
16:25 bring healing, it was unbelievable.
16:27 When somebody says to me Cheri, I got to tell you I spent
16:34 time at my moms house, my new mom Marcia.
16:37 Laying on the bed with her going through pictures and
16:40 she introduced me to everybody in the family.
16:42 People that have died long ago and she wanted to tell
16:44 me stories about them.
16:46 John went off to New York and did a seminar one time and
16:50 came back and he bought all his kids these hats from New
16:53 York, and he didn't want to give me a hat that he bought
16:56 so he gave me one that he loved that was his.
16:59 I'm thinking, I thought I can't take this from you John.
17:03 You love this hat, you have had it for a long time.
17:06 He got it I think from his dad.
17:08 He said you are my daughter and I want you to have this.
17:11 And I'm crying like a baby, every time I turned around.
17:15 My mom ended up getting cancer and died.
17:22 I laid in bed with her and had to say goodbye.
17:26 I remember saying to God why did I have to say goodbye
17:29 to her, He said you know, I could only give her to you for a
17:34 little while, but I gave her to you for you to be with
17:38 her while she died, and I gave her to you so she could
17:42 love you into life.
17:43 I'm thinking how cool are You.
17:45 So when God brings healing into our lives,
17:47 I don't care what it is, the Holy Spirit comes in and
17:50 says I know who you are.
17:51 Amy we are going to talk to you someday and I know that
17:53 you were an adopted child so you know exactly what
17:57 I'm saying how is all of a sudden God says I love you.
18:01 I love you and I promise all the deficiencies, all the
18:05 defects that you think you have, all the shortcomings.
18:08 I have attachment disorders and bondage disorders.
18:11 I never bonded with my mom.
18:12 She tried to give me away when I was born and all those
18:15 things, when I met God I didn't know how to socialize.
18:17 I didn't know anything and thinking all those things
18:20 God says I will bit by bit bring healing into your life.
18:23 I will teach you how to stand in your own skin
18:26 and love it, love it.
18:28 You know most people they tell me Cheri,
18:30 why are you always happy? How could I not be happy?
18:34 I've inherited everything and I deserve nothing.
18:37 It was all because of God and the Holy Spirit.
18:40 I want you to know that we are going to be right back.
18:43 But stay tuned because I want to introduce you to
18:46 a friend of mine here at 3ABN that you will absolutely love.
18:49 If you are not feeling normal, if you feel like you have
18:53 never fit in, either I will adopt you or God can adopt you
18:57 and that is much better, we will be right back!
19:04 Think you've seen it all? Think again!
19:09 Cheri Peters is back for a second season of
19:11 Celebrating Life In Recovery with more lives
19:14 more stories and more miracles.
19:17 Watch the shocking, the inspiring, and the incredible.
19:21 Check your local listings to find out when
19:24 Celebrating Life In Recovery comes to you and get
19:27 ready for another dose of reality, Cheri style.
19:46 I find it interesting when the Holy Spirit was given to me
19:51 by God and the Bible says, as a father, as our parents
19:54 when they give us good things, most of our parents.
19:57 When they give us good things, and they do, that God
20:00 in heaven wants to give us the best things and He
20:03 mentions that, that is the Holy Spirit.
20:05 He pours the Holy Spirit into us, the Holy Spirit
20:08 doesn't just come in and change things all at once.
20:12 I read in Romans 7 were Paul says, every single time
20:16 that I want to do good I don't, in Romans 7:21.
20:20 I want to do good and I don't, when I want to do evil
20:23 I do good and is like you are so confused and all over
20:26 the board and finally he ends with, oh wretched man
20:29 that I am, who is going to save me?
20:31 Who is going to protect me from myself, from the war
20:34 that is within myself and God says, I am, I am!
20:39 It's not anything that we come up with.
20:40 It is not anything that I cleverly figure out.
20:43 God says trust Me and I will change all that for you.
20:47 All that struggle you have, as you start walking with Me,
20:51 as you trust Me I'll change that.
20:53 I want to introduce you to a friend of mine, John Leaman.
20:56 John I want to thank you for being on the show.
20:58 My pleasure. - it's a blast to have you here.
21:00 I know that our backgrounds, not that the stories are the
21:04 same, but we are similar in some stuff, don't you think?
21:07 Absolutely, I related very much to what
21:10 you said in the beginning.
21:11 So what did you relate to?
21:12 Mainly about the adoption thing, I really relate to that.
21:17 But not feeling like I belonged anywhere.
21:20 Because you never felt that way, right?
21:23 Right, the very first memory I have is being three years
21:26 old going to preschool at a church, maybe about 20-30 kids.
21:30 I hid under furniture in the house to avoid going there.
21:34 - if nobody found me they could not take me?
21:37 Right, the reason was when my parents would leave me there
21:41 I could have sworn to you, on the Bible if I had one,
21:45 That they all knew exactly what they were supposed to do.
21:49 They had a meeting about it and they did it without me
21:53 being there, and when I walked in I felt like I so don't
21:57 belong here, I just wanted to run away and go away.
22:00 - At 3? -Yeah, but I could let anybody know that because even
22:03 then the fear and the pretending had already started.
22:06 I have to act as if everything is okay even though
22:10 inside, everything is not.
22:11 So at that age the tension started to build in me.
22:15 Like you are broke and everybody else is okay.
22:19 Nobody knows how you feel, and nobody can do anything
22:22 about it so you will have to suffer through life.
22:24 - just fake it. - yeah just act as if everything is
22:27 okay even though it is not.
22:29 Whatever you do don't tell anybody how you really feel
22:32 because then who knows what they will do with you.
22:35 The fear of the unknown, something will happen you just
22:38 did know what, if somebody found out.
22:40 I needed people to like me, but that was very difficult
22:44 because I really didn't like people.
22:46 - I like that. - I needed them to like me.
22:49 Do you understand? The dichotomy was my existence was
22:52 that I was torn up from the inside out and
22:54 I didn't know what to do about it.
22:55 It paralyzed me every which way you want to go.
22:59 - so this is preschool, what about when you started school?
23:03 Did your parents see it?
23:05 They saw it in acting out, so they look at it as a
23:09 behavioral problem, back then was early diagnosis of ADD,
23:14 HD whatever, all alphabet soup.
23:17 They tried the medication but it knocked me out pretty
23:21 much and they said, no that is worse.
23:23 So I am thankful for that, that I got to experience it.
23:27 That is one thing I'm grateful for what has happened to me
23:29 in my life, and I'm grateful that I was allowed to,
23:32 now other people may not be grateful.
23:35 But I'm glad that I got to experience the quote the hell I
23:40 got to experience because it made me so conscious of the
23:43 fact that God is real and can save anybody.
23:45 When so many said that to me the first time, they said,
23:48 you know Cheri, one of these days you are going to look back
23:50 on your past and say I wouldn't change a thing.
23:53 I thought are you nuts, are you absolutely nuts.
23:56 Did you just hear what my past was like?
23:58 When the day came I thought I wouldn't change anything
24:02 because I could sit with anybody and when somebody says
24:04 I feel lost, I know what that feels like.
24:06 I can really step in and say, you know what, I know
24:10 somebody that actually is searching for you and will
24:12 bring you home and you will be okay.
24:15 So you are saying that kind of thing, even though it was
24:18 hard and the story we will hear about your life is tough.
24:21 But you wouldn't change anything.
24:23 No of course not, my story really is not anything
24:26 spectacular by any stretch of the imagination.
24:29 What you just told me was tough, I'm like, there has got
24:31 to be one or two more things.
24:33 Things have happened to me or not, they are not
24:36 spectacular honestly, the way I feel, I believe this and
24:38 the reason I am saying it like this is not to minimize
24:40 what happened to me, but I believe so many people go
24:44 through so much less maybe than even I did,
24:46 but the torture internally is the same I believe.
24:51 I don't know if I could prove that, but for anybody to
24:54 come to a position where they can surrender their will
24:58 essentially that's what we need to do is surrender our
25:01 will, to gain healing from God we have to surrender.
25:03 Anybody that is going to surrender their will and accept
25:07 God's will in it's place has to be defeated.
25:10 You have to understand what your condition is.
25:13 Right, and the only way we get there is by being tortured
25:16 and tormented emotionally, now how that manifests itself
25:19 in different people is different, but mine was very
25:22 outward and people realized what I was going through
25:24 because it just came out.
25:26 So you were exploding and you were angry and acting out.
25:29 Hiding under tables, refusing to go somewhere?
25:31 Oh yeah, it was awful.
25:33 There is a history of alcoholism in my family but it didn't
25:36 really play a huge role in my childhood.
25:39 My upbringing was good in many ways, we were fairly
25:42 middle-class, and dad always worked and mom she had some
25:47 emotional problems and she was a recovered alcoholic from
25:50 most of my memory.
25:52 She drank when we were young, but I didn't see
25:54 much of that, there wasn't any abuse
25:55 in the home, things were okay. I went to school and got good
25:58 grades, more or less got along with the kids.
26:02 Okay in school and the teachers too.
26:04 They'd send good reports home, John misbehaves a little bit
26:07 in class but boy he is a bright kid.
26:09 So I was getting praise all around, upper elementary
26:14 school the girls are attracted to me and I was attracted
26:16 to them so that is going okay.
26:19 The grades are still good, but parents are saying,
26:22 you have a lot of promise, a lot of potential, but down inside
26:25 something was very wrong.
26:27 Still with all that I don't fit, I'm an outsider.
26:31 It bothers me when I hear about self-esteem because that
26:34 wasn't really my problem.
26:35 I was an egomaniac with it inferiority complex. - ouch!
26:41 Do you understand what I'm saying? - no but tell me.
26:43 Part of me, I just can't go both places.
26:46 Well I can get so puffed up, I knew everything.
26:50 You cannot be angry and not think you know what everybody
26:53 else needs to know.
26:55 That's how or where the anger comes from.
26:57 I think I know what everybody else needs to do, right?
27:00 The fact that they don't do it bothers me so now
27:02 I'm angry at you, and the same goes for God, right?
27:05 I had to come to a place eventually in my life where
27:08 I realize there was a God and I wasn't it.
27:10 - it may not be me.
27:13 That had to happen at some point but it wasn't happening
27:15 then and I couldn't understand, but then it would swing
27:18 the other way and I would feel like I'm worthless.
27:21 I'm no good, I'm defective because even though I could
27:24 pull off those acts of egoism, I could play off that I'm
27:31 good, I'm intelligent, I'm able, smart and what ever.
27:36 I could play that role, but inside I knew that it wasn't
27:40 real, I knew I really don't have that.
27:44 There is something still really wrong with me.
27:46 I was afraid of people to the extent that, well I'll
27:51 fast-forward it so you can get an understanding of this.
27:53 When I was sober when I stopped drinking and I had to
27:56 live life without alcohol, I thought my neighbors were
28:01 watching me all the time.
28:02 Now I'm not paranoid, you'd never been able to diagnose
28:05 me as a paranoid schizophrenic or anything like that.
28:07 Because I could mask it I could deal with it.
28:10 But why am I feeling this way?
28:12 I couldn't understand that.
28:13 - you were so afraid.
28:15 So even as a kid I'm thinking everybody's watching me,
28:18 everything that I do, everything.
28:19 My clothes, my shoes, everything and they are all just
28:22 waiting until they can pounce on me and pick me apart.
28:25 And I just thought see there's the egomaniac, who am I
28:28 to think that everybody, anybody could care less about
28:32 what is going on with me.
28:33 People just don't have the time to care that much
28:36 about me, but I thought that they were, and I thought
28:38 it was all negative you know.
28:40 I thought when people gave me a compliment,
28:42 my parents included, they are saying that because
28:44 they feel sorry for me.
28:46 So you couldn't take it, it couldn't bring you any relief?
28:50 It didn't work, you can sit there and tell me all day
28:53 long how great you felt I was and I would think, they
28:56 feel so sorry for me and that is why they are doing this.
29:00 You know, they feel so sorry for me.
29:01 - then you would get angry?
29:03 Yeah, then I would be bitter about it. - exactly!
29:04 So you talk about when you sobered up,
29:08 when did the alcohol come in?
29:09 I started 16, I had actually made a decision to never
29:13 drink because I saw what it did to my mother.
29:14 She was also manic-depressive, bipolar I guess they call
29:19 it now, so we dealt with that even after the drinking.
29:22 I didn't see the drinking, but that seemed to be worse.
29:27 That actually had a greater toll on her life.
29:30 And the life of us around her.
29:33 I had an aunt that was bipolar, so when that does, when
29:37 that is on the table there is no warning when things go
29:41 up and down, and what really is the saddest thing,
29:44 I think, with people with bipolar, I don't have it so
29:46 I don't understand it fully, but you can look in
29:50 their eyes and know they have no control.
29:51 I don't want be this way, I don't want be manic right now,
29:55 I don't want to be depressed right now but
29:57 it is just what I am. This is just what I feel.
29:59 So the decision was made in my mind anyway that I was
30:03 never going to drink.
30:04 I watch my grandfather die of cirrhosis.
30:06 He manage to function his whole life.
30:08 Well back then they did really give you DUl's, he was wealthy
30:12 enough and affluent enough I guess in business life
30:16 when they pulled him over, they say we're going to take
30:19 you home Mr. Ruff because you shouldn't be driving right now.
30:22 But he never got into any real trouble.
30:24 So they didn't rough him up?
30:25 No he never got any real trouble as a result of it.
30:28 It was bad enough to watch.
30:30 I had an aunt who killed herself and the daughter of
30:34 that same aunt went through addiction problems too.
30:38 So I saw this as a child and said gee, that's simple
30:41 I'm just not going to drink.
30:42 I mean I was capable of fairly rational thought,
30:45 I wouldn't have been able to excel in school if
30:47 I didn't have that capacity.
30:49 As we'll see later, I couldn't really live up to my own
30:52 ideals, and that was really my problem.
30:54 Lack of power, I just don't have the power to do what
30:57 I know is right, same as the manic-depressive person.
31:00 They know the way I'm living isn't right, but what can
31:04 I do about it I'm helpless, right?
31:05 So anyway temptation comes and I'm wanting to bond with
31:09 my brother and He's drinking and I'm thinking
31:10 what an idiot, right, what a moron.
31:12 He brings 2-6 packs home to the house and says,
31:15 I'll put these in your van and later tonight we'll
31:19 each drink three right?
31:21 Then tomorrow night we will each drink three.
31:23 I'm thinking well you know what I thought he was an idiot,
31:26 but that is a pretty good plan.
31:27 That is what we set out to do and when I drink the first,
31:33 it was just a 12 ounce can.
31:35 I'd had a sip of beer or two when I was little but it didn't
31:40 do anything to me, but now it did.
31:44 All the feeling that was wrapped up in me, all that fear,
31:48 the paranoia, the what's going to happen to me in the future,
31:52 it all disappeared. - Wow!
31:54 I said, this is what's wrong with me and it was so clear
32:00 to me that my problem wasn't everything else, it was just
32:04 I needed alcohol and that was the solution.
32:08 - You had a beer deficiency?
32:09 Yes, I was chemically imbalanced and alcohol balanced
32:12 the problem so hey, everything is cool.
32:15 I just need to figure out how to make this work,
32:17 and drink at 16 years old, which doesn't works so good.
32:22 What's really interesting to me for a lot of people listening,
32:23 that don't have that kind of deficit, for a lot of
32:29 addicts that is the first thing that we felt.
32:31 The first time I took a Quaalude,
32:32 I didn't want to kill myself.
32:34 And it is, Oh my goodness, this is what works,
32:39 I feel like living. I feel like laughing. I'm okay.
32:42 The problem is I never felt that again.
32:45 - you never felt that again?
32:48 I never again felt like I did that night.
32:50 That euphoria diminished, it was gradual at first was
32:56 gradual and then, at some point, it fell off like a cliff.
32:58 The point at which it fell off a cliff was when I realized
33:02 that there was another way.
33:04 But that is a little in the future.
33:06 But in the present I just tried to manage to drink
33:09 whenever I could, I knew especially at that age,
33:12 you don't know when you are going to get to do it again
33:14 so you really, really do it not to mention the fact that
33:17 it did so much for me that I thought a little was good
33:21 more was better, that's common sense right?
33:25 so I really went off the deep end.
33:28 I really went off the deep end with it.
33:30 - at this point do your parents know yet?
33:32 They didn't know right away, I don't know when their
33:35 knowledge came, I do know that 18 years old my mom said
33:39 that I was probably an alcoholic.
33:40 So in two years, but looking back on it I know right now
33:44 that I was born with a tendency towards alcoholism if not an
33:49 alcoholic seeing how I had never drink.
33:51 Actually all make this comment too, I believe the
33:55 difference between my brother and I, because he is not
33:57 an alcoholic, he doesn't have a problem to this day.
34:01 He will take a half a beer and drink it and sit it
34:05 on the table and it will get hot during the day and
34:07 he'll throw it away.
34:08 People told me I abused alcohol, I'm thinking that's
34:11 alcohol abuse, what are you doing?
34:15 What did you spend your money for and leave it sit there
34:17 like that, somebody needs that.
34:19 So he is not like me in any way. - that's so funny.
34:26 We both were crazy as kids, we were both kids.
34:30 - He didn't have a bent towards alcoholism as you did?
34:33 Not at all, he didn't at all and I'm going to say this.
34:35 I'm not a doctor and I don't know anything about anything,
34:37 but I do know what happened to me in what happened to him
34:40 and what led up to that.
34:41 And it was this, my parents were not really hippies,
34:45 but they kind of played around if you know what I mean.
34:48 They had a wild exciting life I guess in their early
34:50 marriage, but they say you know what we want to have
34:53 a baby and were going to quit doing all this stuff
34:56 and we're going to have a baby.
34:57 And they did, they stopped everything and my mom
35:01 was pregnant with my brother and totally
35:03 clean through the birth.
35:05 Then they said we can relax and have some fun again,
35:08 but then I came.
35:10 - they were using during that time?
35:12 During, and who knows how long, three or four months and
35:16 this was back in 1969 when I was born.
35:18 So 68 she was pregnant with me and who knows how long it
35:22 took before she realized it.
35:23 Drinking and smoking cigarettes, I don't think anything
35:26 else so there you go.
35:28 Now I don't need any more evidence than that.
35:31 I don't even know anything else, I know that he turned
35:34 out one way and I do not hold my parents responsible,
35:37 I absolutely do not.
35:38 I just want to say this, I mean if you are playing around
35:41 that it does for ever change this child.
35:45 I work with people all the time that are dealing with
35:48 kids with ADD and all kinds of deficits that they have.
35:53 They are hyperactive and they have attachment disorders
35:56 and all that stuff.
35:57 I really have that sense too, that it really matters
36:00 what we put in our body during our pregnancies.
36:02 I just don't want to give the wrong message like I'm some kind
36:06 of authority on this issue. - I know you're not.
36:08 I just know my own experience.
36:10 Other than you have to live with it, you live it.
36:13 I am the result of it so. - put me in Chapter 4.
36:15 I do know something about it.
36:16 Anyway to fast-forward through that period I got really
36:20 into it and I chose lifestyle that allowed me to live
36:23 that way, I went into the entertainment industry.
36:25 People were pretty accepting of drinking on the job.
36:28 I needed that, I needed to be able to do that.
36:32 I did it for a long time, but eventually they tired of me also
36:36 Because you're alcoholism was interfering with your ability to
36:40 work? - To work, they put up with it to a point.
36:42 They even enabled to me, they said gee John we really
36:45 don't like you doing this, but there was no consequences.
36:47 I was the one who actually had to choose to come home
36:51 from Europe to go into my first rehab.
36:53 The only reason I got that idea was because some other
36:56 people on the same tour I was on said they had done it.
36:59 I looked at them and I said, man I sure don't want to
37:02 be like them, but I can't stay like I am anymore.
37:04 I just can't. - it was really killing you?
37:08 Yeah I broke down, I was so ashamed of myself,
37:11 so pitiful and so helpless and hopeless and
37:14 I didn't know what else to do.
37:16 But I was misguided because those two guys, neither one
37:20 of them told me anything about needing God or a
37:23 higher power or anything, they just said they went to
37:26 rehab and one of them painted watercolors and the other
37:29 guy got into his business.
37:31 I thought maybe that is what I need, a hobby.
37:34 Maybe I just need some thing to do.
37:36 So here's what I'm going to do when I get sober,
37:38 I will buy me a nice fancy red sports car and have me the
37:41 a woman or two or three or whatever and I will make
37:44 a lot of money and be happy.
37:45 - that's my hobby.
37:47 I just won't drink anymore and I will stay real busy doing
37:49 that stuff and by the time I got home that all changed.
37:53 I decided I don't want to go to rehab, not to stay in
37:58 there because I went thorough an evaluation, I thought these
38:01 people are crazy, like they need to be here,
38:04 but me I'm not so bad.
38:06 So I tried the outpatient and I drank and wrecked my car
38:10 and hid out for a couple of days.
38:12 Then my mom came and got me and I went in for inpatient.
38:16 I was drinking during the outpatient, drinking vodka on
38:19 the way to the place.
38:20 - because you couldn't smell vodka?
38:22 That's what I thought, and nobody said anything.
38:25 From another druggie I'm thinking I thought that too.
38:28 Nobody said anything, I'm going to rehab standing in the
38:31 circle singing songs and doing
38:33 all these wonderful things, and I am drunk.
38:35 Nobody said anything to me, hey John this works better if
38:39 you don't drink, nobody said anything.
38:40 Then I wrecked my car and I didn't show up for a couple
38:43 of days, so now they are worried.
38:45 So I checked myself in and said I'm going to do what
38:47 they say, I checked myself in and in two weeks into it
38:52 I made up my mind that now I know so much about the
38:54 inner workings of my mind, I know why I drink now.
38:59 I understand how not to drink, so much.
39:04 I didn't get that part, you couldn't drink at all.
39:07 Now I know how not to drink so much.
39:09 I asked them and said how you know for sure that
39:12 I'm really an alcoholic, maybe I'm just a heavy drinker
39:14 and if I just hold back?
39:16 They said we really don't know, we really can't say,
39:19 only you can say.
39:21 I said what is the percentages and they said 1 in a 1000,
39:24 they probably made that up.
39:25 I said well I think I'm that one.
39:27 So I had to try and I did.
39:30 My job kept me employed for the next six weeks.
39:33 You know it's funny because a lot of druggies are
39:36 alcoholics will come up with the same thing.
39:37 You know it is not so much the alcohol, it's just the
39:41 amount, the alcohol isn't causing this problem.
39:44 We will bargain in the first part of recovery, we will
39:47 just bargain like crazy, trying to still be able to at
39:50 least get some for our body because
39:53 we want to feel normal.
39:56 We want to feel not so twisted.
39:59 You see they probably was teaching the stuff but I wasn't
40:02 listening, how to go through this thing and feel normal.
40:07 I had learned about the 12 steps, and I learned I had to
40:10 surrender, but I didn't know how to do it really, and I
40:12 I didn't want to.
40:13 To put it frankly, I didn't want to surrender.
40:15 I believed in God and thought He would take me the way
40:18 I am and fix me if He wants to.
40:20 I will still be able to go on doing what I want to do.
40:23 I really wasn't interested in doing anything, I was just
40:26 interested in making you believe that I was doing it.
40:29 You see, so I'm still playing the same game I did all my
40:31 life because that's what I knew how to do.
40:33 This goes on and on and on for years, so at this point
40:38 life takes a turn for the worse.
40:40 Now I know that there is a way out, but I'm not willing
40:43 to do it, I was honest up to a point and said I do have
40:48 a problem and I need help.
40:49 But I am not open-minded enough to accept that your
40:52 solution is going to work for me because I'm still
40:54 different, they said yeah your unique.
40:58 I loved it, they said everybody is unique, great I'm
41:02 unique and that was wonderful for me because I thought that
41:06 it is fine that it works for all of you, this way of life you
41:08 have and you have God and He takes care of your problems.
41:10 You have faith and rely on Him, wonderful!
41:12 That is nice for you, but I'm different and so that is
41:15 not going to work for me.
41:16 God made me smart, and He made me this, and He made me
41:19 that and so I still know everything.
41:20 I know what I need to do to get what I want so I'll be
41:22 happy, so I don't have to trust God.
41:25 I don't have to rely on God, so that kept me sick for at
41:27 least five more years.
41:29 I was in and out, in and out, in and out.
41:31 - and God is just saying, John come back you don't have
41:35 to struggle, you don't have to be so tormented.
41:39 Yeah, and the door was opened in so many ways.
41:41 I tried different 12 step groups, I tried standing on my
41:44 head doing yoga, I tried all kinds of self-help
41:46 shenanigans, I mean I tried everything.
41:50 When I finally got to the place where I said, you know what,
41:53 I can't do this anymore.
41:54 I absolutely have to have Your help.
41:58 I am willing to do whatever, whatever You want me to do.
42:02 I didn't like with His solution was.
42:03 - what was it?
42:04 It was to go to AA. - and actually commit?
42:10 I need to clarify this. I went to AA and I quit.
42:14 I got involved in the church, my dad recommended me to
42:17 this church, and I did it.
42:18 I went to Bible studies and did all kinds of stuff and
42:20 got baptized, I came here got this job and thought okay
42:22 I'm doing what God wants me to do.
42:24 Life should be great and I was still as crazy as I was
42:27 when I was three years old. I couldn't figure out why.
42:30 I'm doing everything y'all told me to do this, to do this,
42:33 this, this, and this in I'm doing at all.
42:35 I'm like I'm nuts, I just can't stand it.
42:39 People could see it because it was so obvious.
42:41 This guy, what are we going to do with him?
42:43 Nobody would really say that to me, but if I cornered
42:47 somebody and say what am I supposed to do?
42:49 They said well we see that you are angry and see that you
42:52 are not really happy, but we want to help you,
42:54 but they didn't know what to do.
42:55 So I end up in rehab again and I'm like God, what do You
43:00 want me to do, I think I have done everything I know how
43:03 to do, what He really wanted, I believe, His purpose for
43:07 me was to be put into position where I could be most
43:10 effective to help other alcoholics.
43:12 But also the S. Word has to come off, to surrender.
43:18 Surrender yeah, oh man which S. Word is that?
43:21 That is a bad word, to me when they first said surrender
43:25 I don't even know what that means, surrender what?
43:27 I may know who I am and you're asking me to surrender.
43:29 He was like, I want you to surrender everything to Me.
43:32 Really trust that I am going to put you where you will
43:34 most be healed and most help someone else.
43:37 That is what you are saying, is that you really had to
43:39 learn what is the process of healing.
43:44 I really had to be willing to do what God wanted me
43:46 to do and quit second guessing it.
43:48 So He was looking for that surrender, and He was looking
43:51 for an open mind, are you willing?
43:53 Are you open-minded and willing enough to do what I put
43:56 in front of you, and that was the thing that up until that
43:59 point I wasn't willing to do that.
44:01 What is really going to be hard for me right now,
44:04 is I know we have questions out here, but I also know
44:06 I want to hear, in a nutshell the process that He took
44:11 you through as you surrendered, as you stood back up,
44:15 as you really got an understanding that I'm going to
44:20 step out of this addiction, out of this craziness.
44:23 Not that we ever totally step out of it, until Christ comes
44:26 back I think that we all will have something that we
44:29 will have to lean on Him with.
44:31 Tell me the process, what things He had you understand or do?
44:35 I didn't know everything, that was the big thing.
44:39 - that was huge. - that was hard for me because
44:41 I thought I had studied and learned and I do and I know
44:43 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
44:45 Yeah what I don't know just give me a book and I'll study.
44:47 I'll figure it out, you know.
44:48 What I had to accept was that God had a plan and
44:50 I did not have to know what it was.
44:52 That was the hardest thing for me.
44:54 To surrender, but there was a power outside of me that
44:57 I didn't know anything about, just accepting that
45:01 simple fact, it didn't matter I knew a lot of stuff
45:03 that was in the Bible.
45:04 It didn't matter because that knowledge didn't save me.
45:07 The knowledge of my brain and how it worked, the synapses
45:11 and how alcohol reacted, that didn't stop me from
45:14 drinking again, even though I knew that it might mean
45:16 that I would kill myself, do you think I cared?
45:18 I was looking for a way out, I couldn't do it by
45:21 my own hand but knew if I drank too much and happen to
45:24 die that was not really my fault, was it?
45:26 Maybe they put a little more alcohol in that bottle or
45:28 something, so I didn't really commit suicide.
45:31 So I was hoping for a way out, but God, I heard this
45:35 a long time ago and I don't know where.
45:37 God moves with the gentlest hand possible.
45:39 Those 5 years of torture was the easiest they could have
45:44 been, I could look at them as that was hard.
45:46 But I'm thinking it couldn't have been any easier
45:49 or wouldn't have gotten it.
45:50 - right, because God really wants is to get it because
45:53 He doesn't want us to be in torment.
45:55 Right, it couldn't have been any easier for me.
45:57 The moment I made up my mind that I was going to allow
46:00 God to do something with my life, and just let Him lead.
46:04 Did I do everything perfectly from that moment forward?
46:07 Absolutely not. - so you recognize when Paul says,
46:10 I can't believe the struggle I have, who's going to
46:14 save me and to me when somebody reads that easily
46:17 I think, he didn't even say it easily, he struggled.
46:21 I want to do what is right and I don't seem like I can.
46:24 I did, and I thought how can I help people,
46:27 I don't even like people, really, I sat in a room full
46:32 of people and I know that's where I'm supposed to be.
46:36 I know I'm supposed to get what they have and I am
46:39 supposed to be able to pass it on to other people.
46:42 But I can't even stand being here with these people.
46:44 How am I supposed to ever do this?
46:46 - so how did He? - it happened very slowly.
46:50 I followed minute by minute one suggestion after another.
46:54 He'd say, talk to somebody. I don't want to talk to
46:56 anybody, well do it anyway.
46:58 - it doesn't happen overnight.
46:59 They said I had to act as if, I acted as if all my life.
47:02 I said oh, I can't do that because I'll be a hypocrite
47:04 then, that's what I can't stand about people is that
47:07 they are hypocrites, right?
47:09 Now you're asking me to be one again.
47:11 I'm supposed to get away from that, but they said trust
47:14 God, trust His process and you'll get it.
47:17 So I did, I said God I do not know what else to do.
47:19 I'm going to try it, and so that is the thing.
47:22 Everybody, I guess I heard all my life, all you have to
47:25 do is just believe and have faith that God will do it.
47:28 I didn't have that, I'm sorry, I hate to disappoint
47:31 everybody, but I didn't believe it.
47:33 I didn't believe that He was going to do it for me.
47:35 I thought I had done too much wrong, I thought
47:38 I had turned my back on In too many times and that
47:40 There was no way I was going to believe it
47:43 until He did something.
47:44 There is the mustard seed, right?
47:46 I said I got nowhere else to go, I think I'll try.
47:49 So I take one little step and say, okay God,
47:52 I don't have the answer what do I do?
47:54 I'd do something, I'd talk to somebody, or call
47:57 somebody on the phone and say how are you doing?
48:00 Then I would feel better and I'd say I don't know why
48:04 this is working, this is stupid but I would do
48:07 something more, I'd do something more.
48:10 They would tell me to write out all the anger issues
48:13 I had in my life and I wrote a big long list of all that.
48:15 I thought how is this going to help me?
48:17 I'm just reliving the past and I've done that enough.
48:19 But I found that it did point out some issues in my
48:21 character that needed to be taken care of.
48:24 No matter how much I asked God to fix me God, fix me God
48:27 He wasn't going to fix what was wrong with me until
48:30 I identified what it was and specify, hey God,
48:34 I want You to take this dishonesty from me.
48:37 I want You to take this spirit of anger from me.
48:41 I want You to take this self-centered attitude that
48:44 I'm the center of the universe from me.
48:45 I had to identify those things specifically or
48:48 He couldn't, it was like He was handcuffed.
48:51 I want to help you John, but I can't because you are
48:54 not working - you're hanging onto those things tightly.
48:57 Yeah, you talk about coming in with baggage,
48:59 I'm still carrying some around.
49:01 I am ashamed to admit that, I'll sit here and say hey,
49:04 I'm not perfect, right? I'm not proud of that fact.
49:07 But I can't accept the fact that I am not perfect.
49:11 The easier it is for me to do that, to accept that,
49:15 and to admit it, then the easier it becomes to say,
49:18 here it is God, I'll let go.
49:20 - Here it is, take it away.
49:27 Because I am also in recovery, I feel like when
49:31 I really started to look at when God felt like I was
49:34 strong enough I could look at some of those character
49:37 defects, at first I was ashamed, at first I was afraid
49:40 and I wanted to say God, just take them.
49:43 He does, and I am thinking how amazing is that?
49:47 He'll wait for us for a hundred years if He has to.
49:50 Or we can do it on day one.
49:52 I'm thinking why did it take me 26 years, because He
49:55 would have said on day one I would have done this had
49:58 you been able to hand it to Me.
50:00 I know I'm hardheaded and I know the Lord had given the
50:03 opportunities when I was young, before I even drank
50:06 God was working with me, and He gave me ways out.
50:09 I could have chose another life, I know this for a fact
50:12 that God didn't say, John is going to have
50:14 to go through this.
50:16 I know I could have chosen another life because
50:18 I can see those turning points in my past.
50:20 When I go home at night I have a mirror that has
50:23 a thing on it, it's a clear piece of plastic and
50:26 it says, you're looking at the problem.
50:28 It's in white letters. I have to know that.
50:30 I have to be reminded of that every day.
50:33 In my morning devotion and in the evening I thank God
50:35 for the day that He has giving me and the opportunity
50:38 to see what is wrong with me, and then the opportunity
50:41 He has to fix me.
50:43 So the other thing that is apparently an issue to, or
50:46 the healing thing is that morning and evening devotions?
50:50 Absolutely, absolutely for me it is imperative that
50:53 I know where I came from and that I know were I am.
50:57 Also that I am continuing on a journey.
51:01 - that I know who God is.
51:02 To know who God is and I need to know that He is not done
51:05 with me and that I haven't arrived anywhere.
51:08 I've gotten through some big things in my life,
51:11 but I know that I'm not where God would have me to be.
51:14 The journey is awesome. - the journey is awesome.
51:16 We don't have a lot of time for questions but at least
51:18 get one, Irma do you have a question?
51:20 Cheri, this program is really awesome and we have touched
51:24 so many points and some of them have really touched me in
51:29 my own life and it's hard for me to find a real question
51:33 because you have said so much.
51:36 But one of the things I really see, and I kept hearing is
51:42 the fear, it seems like that perhaps with you because you
51:48 started so much younger, but was fear also for you.
51:53 The catalyst for your behaviors.
51:57 That is a great comment or question because fear for me,
52:03 when you started to pretend you were someone else,
52:06 is that I could disassociate anything or anybody but
52:10 myself, is if I was in a situation, especially when
52:13 I got on the streets and was homeless.
52:15 I could be anything else, I looked very confident and
52:18 very comfortable in my own skin, but what if you asked me
52:21 to be myself I would have no idea what you were talking
52:23 about, and that's where the fear would come.
52:26 I was so afraid that somebody would really find out who I am
52:30 and then they would know I was a fraud in every other way.
52:34 It sounded like you were saying the same thing.
52:37 Yeah, if you knew why really was, you wouldn't like me.
52:40 That's what we think, that's a lie.
52:42 That's it. - what's interesting is when God has over
52:47 the years convinced me, that normal is over rated,
52:51 that everyone has such a unique gift to give of themselves
52:56 and that we will not be the same.
52:58 I don't have to be the same as you.
53:00 I may have some goofy things about me, but you know what?
53:04 I think you will like me anyway.
53:05 I never felt that way before.
53:07 I have a little poster I have of snowflakes, it says,
53:13 uniqueness, your unique just like everybody else.
53:19 We're all unique.
53:20 We are coming to a close on the show.
53:23 What do you want people to walk away with when
53:26 they hear your story and your journey?
53:28 No matter where you think you are, you absolutely have
53:31 access to the power that can only come from God.
53:35 I don't care how defeated you think you are, if you can
53:38 just bring yourself to the willingness, to have the
53:42 willingness to reach outside of yourself.
53:44 It wasn't important for me to know who God was,
53:47 where He came from, the history behind it.
53:50 The only thing that was important was to know that I
53:52 needed something, I needed to reach for something outside
53:56 of myself and as soon as I did that things happened.
53:59 There is a God and He cares about me.
54:02 He cares about me, He loves me. - restored me to sanity!
54:04 Exactly, and I needed that.
54:08 Me too! John I loved having you on the show and I thank
54:10 you so much, so much. - It's been wonderful, thank you.
54:13 If you're watching this show and you feel that you
54:16 understand what it feels like not fit in, or not to be
54:19 normal, have genetic things that are just who you are.
54:23 Just what you have to walk around with, know that
54:26 God is bigger than those things.
54:29 When they told me I had detachments disorders, bondage
54:32 disorders in nursing school that was just crazy stuff.
54:35 You don't get well from that and God just said, shut
54:38 the book because I want to tell you I am bigger than
54:40 that and I can restore all that to you.
54:43 I can make you well and there are things I have to walk
54:46 around with, I'm sure John the same, is walk around with
54:49 trying to figure out how to act here or how to be this or
54:52 whatever, but as soon as we surrender it to God and know
54:56 that God loves me and that I am an adopted child in the
55:00 kingdom and He absolutely loves me and I can start
55:03 feeling that it is okay that I am a little quirky.
55:07 I actually have friends that say, that's what I love
55:10 about you and the very things I hid all my life I have
55:13 people saying, that it's my favorite part of you.
55:16 I think how funny is that?
55:18 God can turn something I hid all my life into
55:20 their favorite part.
55:22 We will be right back, stay tuned don't go away,
55:25 we will be right back.
55:30 Cheri Peters uses the book, 'Coming Of The Comforter'
55:33 as a guide for the second season of Celebrating Life In
55:36 Recovery, written by Lee Roy E. Froom is a 320 page book
55:40 that offers every sinner the knowledge that the
55:42 Holy Spirit is available to all.
55:44 3ABN now offers this book to you for a suggested donation
55:48 of only $13 postpaid within the US.
55:51 Call 3ABN at 618-627-4651 or go online to 3ABN.org.
56:11 You know I have gotten a lot of things in my own recovery
56:14 to help me be on this journey.
56:15 One of them is this quick reference, a spiritual reference
56:19 book and there is tons of them in any Christian bookstore.
56:22 This when you can open it up and it will say whatever
56:25 you are dealing with whether it is anger, drug addiction,
56:28 drinking, or whatever will take you to where
56:30 the Bible talks about it.
56:32 I'm going to take you to some I found in our devotions today.
56:36 One of them says I'd say Isaiah 44:22, 23 I'm going to do
56:39 just 22, "I have swept away your offenses like a cloud
56:43 your sins like the morning mist, returned to me for
56:47 I have redeemed you, sing for joy, shout to God".
56:53 The whole book is just full of these things.
56:56 One of the areas in sanctification talks about,
56:59 sanctification is when I turn it over to God and He grows
57:02 me everyday, how He gives me a sense of myself and its
57:06 says in Psalms 1:19 "I have hidden your word in my heart
57:09 that I may not sin against you. "
57:10 We don't know how to live a good life for what sin is
57:14 unless we start paying attention to what the Word of God
57:17 says, so jump into that.
57:18 It is absolutely important to understand what the Bible
57:22 says, what God says, who He is, and that stuff.
57:25 Not who He is as far as doctrinal things, that is all in
57:28 another show, some body hosts that altogether.
57:30 I'm talking about who God is in a relational sense so that
57:33 you know you are forgiven.
57:35 If you don't mind I know there is people out there that
57:39 are trying to come to grips with God that is amazing
57:42 and He will heal you I want to have a quick prayer
57:45 before we end.
57:47 Father I just pray for You to touch us, change us, let us
57:51 know how much You love us and let us know that we are
57:55 adopted, let us know that Your Holy Spirit will so fill and
57:57 guide us so we don't have to be afraid anymore and I thank
58:00 you for anybody listening to this, just pray that you'll
58:03 put your healing hand on them and I thank you for
58:05 that in Jesus name.
58:07 You know when you are struggling with these things, get on
58:10 your knees, stand up and shout however you pray but just
58:14 ask God for His Holy Spirit to heal you.
58:17 Ask Him to give you a life that you will just shout for
58:20 joy about until we see you next time always remember that
58:23 God is crazy about you and me too.