Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Vicki Duffy
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000020
00:11 Welcome to Celebrating Life In Recover,
00:12 I Cheri your host and today we are going to look at
00:14 self-mutilation. It's a tough topic.
00:17 But you will be blessed so stay with us.
00:19 You will learn a lot about why people do what they do.
00:49 You know when I think about this show, I think about all
00:52 the different things we've covered.
00:54 This is going to be a tough topic for most people because
00:57 we do not want to think that the abuser becomes our self.
01:01 That we start out with all these traumas, all this stuff
01:04 and we become the one that hurts us the most.
01:07 We punish ourselves the most.
01:09 In this show we are going to talk about physical
01:12 punishment that people do and how God steps in and
01:15 just changes all that.
01:17 I don't care what your issue is, I don't care what your
01:20 addiction is, what things you lie to yourself about,
01:23 God is bigger than all of them, absolutely bigger
01:26 than all of them.
01:27 When I first got into recovery there were things that I
01:31 would remember and think I absolutely don't want to bring
01:35 this to God, I absolutely don't want to say this out loud.
01:39 I absolutely don't want to admit that this is part of who
01:42 I am and God says to me through the Holy Spirit,
01:45 just gently, Cheri put it on the table.
01:48 No, I can't do it I can't put it on the table.
01:52 He was like, put it on the table.
01:54 I would put it on the table with shaky hands thinking that
01:57 God is going to not like me after this.
01:59 He quickly cleared the table and set a banquet.
02:03 He said I love you, I forgive you for every single thing.
02:06 I forgive you for everything that has been done to you
02:09 and everything you did in response to that.
02:11 I forgive you for all the anger.
02:13 When I first read in the Bible from David, David is
02:17 talking to somebody about somebody and he says,
02:20 God I want you to bash their teeth in.
02:22 I'm thinking, did I just read that?
02:25 Shut up, this is too good because I have thought that.
02:28 He says I forgive you for every time you thought that.
02:31 It is so real and God is so real.
02:34 We are going to talk about some of that stuff today.
02:36 Our scripture text for this series is Psalm 51
02:39 and I love it.
02:40 I want to read this one and we will probably do different
02:44 parts of Psalm 51.
02:45 But this particular verse starts at how about 10.
02:49 "Create in me a clean heart oh God and renew a right
02:53 spirit in me. " A steadfast spirit.
02:56 I'm saying oh please because I am such a mess.
02:59 "Cast me not away from your presence and take not your
03:02 "Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your
03:05 "salvation and uphold me with your willing spirit then
03:09 "I will teach transgressors your ways and sinners shall be
03:12 "converted and returned to you. "
03:14 I think how absolutely cool is that, that God would come
03:19 up and teach me how to be right.
03:22 Teach me how to get all the junk out, to heal from all
03:26 that junk and then I get to say, wow, can I teach you what
03:31 I learned because it's so cool?
03:33 That is what we are going to cover today and I want to
03:35 introduce you to people at the café.
03:36 We have some incredible folks.
03:38 We've got Vicky Duffy and we are going to do an interview
03:41 today, Lisa, I hope we hear some of your testimony today.
03:45 Sharon, Helen, right?
03:47 Samantha and Steve, Samantha and Steve have a ministry
03:50 that we will cover on another show because it is awesome.
03:53 But today we're going to talk about self-mutilation.
03:56 I want to start by telling you, because when I talk about
04:00 different things, about self injury, self mutilation and
04:04 those things, I hear clinical descriptions of that.
04:09 Self-mutilation is when you scratch on yourself, cut on
04:13 yourself, burn yourself.
04:14 And those are the lighter self mutilations, although they
04:19 can get pretty heavy.
04:20 Major self mutilations you can pluck your eyes out, you can
04:23 mutilate yourself in your private areas,
04:26 so you can do all kinds of stuff.
04:27 Self-mutilation has all kinds of different
04:30 degrees in that.
04:32 Some people talk about suicide as self-mutilation,
04:34 it is not, that is beyond.
04:36 It is where you actually take yourself out.
04:38 Self-mutilation means I just want to stop hurting and I
04:41 think if I hurt my body I can stop.
04:43 So I'm going to tell you about a girl I know because
04:48 I want you to see it in the face of people, not in what
04:52 somebody says it is or isn't.
04:54 I met a kid and this kid came up to me, I'm doing a talk.
04:59 If I tell you on Mars you wouldn't believe me so let's say
05:04 LA, I'm doing a talk in LA at a treatment center.
05:08 This little girl comes up, she is 13 or 14 years old.
05:12 She is adorable, adorable and I can see by her bright
05:16 blue eyes, that inside this hard looking kid that
05:20 comes up is this child.
05:23 She has long blonde hair, she has black roots that are
05:27 showing about two to 3 inches in her hair is greasy.
05:30 She looks hard, she looks like somebody has really trashed
05:34 this kid, but in her eyes I see this little girl.
05:37 She is just this little girl and I had just got done
05:40 telling my testimony.
05:41 I'm a heroine addict, was homeless for 10 years, I was
05:45 bored to 14 and 16-year-old parents that had five kids
05:48 before they were 21 and the abuse was amazing.
05:50 I said amazing, the abuse was horrendous after I tell that
05:55 how I met God and how God steps in with His Holy Spirit
05:59 and just filled me up with the promise that He could bring
06:04 change into my life.
06:05 That He had a future and a plan for me that He did not
06:08 want me stuck there.
06:09 Now I travel all over the world and I love life, and I
06:12 laugh out loud and I'm married to this incredible guy and
06:15 I have a daughter that has never done drugs in her life.
06:18 Hello! Does anyone want to clap or say Amen to that?
06:21 How amazing is that?
06:24 So I was talking about that when this little kid comes up.
06:29 She says, Cheri I don't know how to not get high because
06:33 when I stop using drugs, when I stop cutting on myself,
06:37 when I stop doing this stuff the images that flood
06:40 my mind are unbelievable.
06:43 Most people know if you watched the series, my dad started
06:46 molesting me at birth and was caught the first time when
06:49 I was three months old.
06:50 I have her horrendous nightmares of some of the stuff that
06:53 happened to me as a child.
06:55 So I know what this kid is saying, I know exactly what
06:58 she is saying and so I said.
06:59 Then she said Cheri how do you get over these images?
07:03 How do you get over that junk?
07:05 I know there are things I could tell her that would do
07:10 that, hook up with the group, make sure you have somebody
07:14 you can talk to, get into therapy if you have to.
07:18 Because I'm thinking therapy, grab a friend that's really
07:22 insightful, get a pastor, get a church group because
07:25 sometimes therapists are a little goofy.
07:27 If you are a therapist, please take that in a nice way.
07:32 So just hook up with someone, but I didn't have a lot of
07:35 time to say that so what I said to her was, you know I
07:39 prayed like crazy and God gave me an image to look at.
07:43 Of myself how, He sees me, and you know what?
07:46 I am so beautiful in His eyes.
07:49 This child, I'm so pure and standing in the holy of
07:54 Holies, in the presence of His Father.
07:56 I have the right to be there because I am His child.
07:59 It is amazing, amazing.
08:01 So I said just ask Him to show you who you are in His
08:05 eyes and she says I can't.
08:10 She starts weeping. I said you can't, you can, you can.
08:15 I want to grab her and shake her and say I promise you
08:19 you can and He will listen.
08:22 I promise you He will listen because God is absolutely
08:25 crazy about us and He absolutely wants to heal you.
08:28 I know there is nothing you could have done.
08:30 I'm thinking at 14 there is nothing she could have done.
08:33 She's like I can't. I said, you can.
08:37 She said I can't and she cried really hard.
08:42 I said why can't you? She said I'm an atheist.
08:46 I said oh God doesn't care about that.
08:51 I watched the Holy Spirit just fill her up.
08:55 Every single thing about her change in that second.
08:58 God doesn't care about that, say whatever you want to say.
09:01 I'm an atheist, I am a cutter, I'm gay, I'm a murderer,
09:05 I'm what ever and God says, I don't care about all that.
09:08 I want to bring life to you, I want to heal you.
09:11 And absolutely, I don't care what anyone says that
09:14 is who God is, and if you don't believe it,
09:16 read the New Testament.
09:18 Read the New Testament, watch Jesus walk to every single
09:21 person, he walks to the Demoniac, the demoniac, talk
09:24 about a self-mutilator? Cutting on himself with stones.
09:27 Filled with a thousand demons.
09:29 Angry, killing people off, beating people up,
09:32 kicked out of town, crazy as anything and God walks up to
09:35 him and says there is a small part of this guy's heart
09:38 that wants to be well and God said,
09:40 I'm calling all the demons out of you, I'm going to give
09:43 you life and the guy wept and said, I want to go with You
09:47 now and God said no don't go with Me.
09:49 Go tell someone, and that's what Psalm says,
09:52 to go tell someone.
09:53 So this kid, I can't tell you her name,
09:56 let's pretend her name is Lindsay.
10:01 Lindsay, a little Caucasian girl, beautiful blue eyes,
10:05 14 years old and I find out her mother was a prostitute.
10:10 Right, so she was pulled around with all her moms gigs
10:14 when she was working, a working mom.
10:17 Her mom died of AIDS when Lindsay was two years old.
10:21 What they did with Lindsay after that, they put her in
10:24 child pornography because people had to make money.
10:28 So Lindsay was in child pornography from that time
10:31 until she was 14 years old when she was court appointed
10:35 to go into treatment, court appointed.
10:38 So I'm not going into depth about how injured this child
10:43 was, but she survived her stuff by cutting on herself,
10:47 by burning herself, by doing drugs, by disassociating.
10:52 She's survived her stuff by doing whatever she could to
10:57 get through the day and she got through the day.
10:59 Now at 14 years old she finally gets it,
11:03 that Jesus loves me, Jesus loves me.
11:07 He knows every movie I've been in, every sick thing that
11:12 I have done or had done to me,
11:14 He knows that and He loves me.
11:17 Somebody has to hear me, somebody has to hear me say it
11:21 doesn't matter to Him because He knows we are a mess.
11:24 The Bible says that the best of the best of us are like
11:28 filthy rags and I always want to say what that means.
11:31 But I'm told I cannot say that but it's filthy rags.
11:34 So the best of the best of us are like filthy rags and
11:37 God says I know all that and I want to step in.
11:40 But to step in with self mutilator's, with people
11:44 that have been trashed, and you know the most normal
11:47 people I know I can sit down with them and hear stories
11:51 that are horrendous, horrendous, and eating disorders.
11:55 You know that eating disorders is a form of self
11:57 mutilation and a lot of people will starve themselves.
12:00 I'm going to go back to talk about Lindsay.
12:04 I'll talk about her at the end of the show.
12:07 I would like to talk about the topic today of self
12:10 mutilation and I want to show you a graphic.
12:14 It's current trend right now that's called
12:18 scarification, that is where mutilator's literally cut
12:22 into the skin and carved in different shapes, different
12:26 designs and I would say when you cut in you are cutting
12:29 off a quarter of an inch of skin and going all through
12:33 those first layers and then let it heal.
12:35 It is amazing what people are doing right now.
12:37 I have met people that are tattooing, but tattooing
12:41 every part of their body.
12:42 I have met people that are piercing every part of their
12:46 body and a lot of people met tattoo Jim that I have worked
12:50 with and he had 15 facial piercings and tattoos all over
12:54 his body and that kind of stuff.
12:56 So I have met people that are really getting into some
12:59 really severe self injury.
13:02 What is interesting to me about self mutilation, and we
13:06 will talk a little about this, I'm finding out about self
13:09 mutilation is that when I cut on myself, when I take
13:14 something and cut or burn or some people break bones.
13:18 They literally will slam their body or head or what ever
13:23 into someplace until they break bones.
13:25 I worked with people that will literally jump up, I did
13:28 psych nursing for a while, I worked with people that would
13:31 literally jump up and slam their head into a table just to
13:34 get the release from the damage and pain they feel.
13:38 It's really intense stuff, but when that happens, when you
13:41 really injure yourself that much your body thinks it is
13:44 being killed, right?
13:45 Your body thinks oh, man something's happening?
13:48 So biochemically your body sends natural painkillers and to
13:53 keep you from going into shock and that stuff your body
13:57 will do whatever it takes to go to that area and calm you.
14:00 People get addicted to their own body chemistry.
14:04 Isn't that interesting? But like any addiction,
14:08 if I scratch myself and my body says man, I think this has
14:13 to be dealt with and sends me a chemical to do that, the
14:18 next time I scratch myself my body says oh no, she is just
14:22 doing that so then I have to cut more.
14:24 I had to do more intense, like any addiction I have
14:27 to do more and more intense.
14:29 My body will start to self medicate and I will get strung
14:32 out on my own chemicals.
14:35 How they are treating some self mutilation right now, which I
14:39 think is interesting, they are giving antagonist to opiates.
14:43 So they are giving them medication that will stop the
14:46 opiate affect in your body so that you don't get the
14:49 reinforcement for the drug when you cut.
14:52 Does that make sense? It's just crazy!
14:55 We are going to go ahead and take a break and when we come
14:58 back I am going to let you see what I am talking about in
15:01 that testimony of a friend of mine Vicky Duffy who wrote
15:04 a book called 'No More Pain', an unbelievable story.
15:07 Not so much Vicky's story, it's a story about God.
15:11 It really vindicates who God is in all of our lives.
15:14 So stay tuned, we will be right back.
15:22 Think you've seen it all? Think again.
15:25 Cheri Peters is back for a second season of
15:29 Celebrating Life In Recovery with more lives
15:32 more stories and more miracles.
15:35 Watch the shocking, inspiring, and the incredible.
15:39 Check your local listings to find out when
15:42 Celebrating Life In Recovery comes to you and get
15:45 ready for another dose of reality, Cheri style.
16:04 This is absolutely my favorite part of the show.
16:06 It shows how incredible God is, how cool He is, how much
16:10 He loves us, and I'm going to stop at that.
16:13 You just pay attention, you'll love this.
16:16 Vicky Duffy, I want to thank you for joining us on the
16:20 show and I want to say that the first time I met you,
16:23 I met you on my space.
16:25 A lot of people are not even going to know what that is.
16:29 I met you on the Internet and I loved you then and was
16:33 hoping you could be on the show,
16:34 so I am thrilled to have you here.
16:36 I'm thrilled to be here and I want to jump right into
16:39 things and you have mentioned the man who had the legion
16:42 of demons - the demoniac! - yes.
16:46 That was in the book of Mark.
16:49 I want to just backtrack because this part is so important
16:53 I wasn't brought up in church and didn't know anything
16:57 about the things of God.
16:58 I love when you say that so nicely, because you had such a
17:02 twisted testimony, and here like I wasn't in the church.
17:05 I'm thinking oh man, wait until they hear this.
17:08 So I had been given a Bible and will start off at that
17:13 point and when I got the Bible after about a month of
17:18 having it and letting it be a nice decorative piece on the
17:21 floor, - not even on the coffee table.
17:23 No, it didn't make the coffee table.
17:25 I picked it up and flipped the pages and said,
17:29 what is this? Mark, Psalms
17:31 I didn't understand how this book was formulated and it
17:35 has numbers all by these sentences.
17:37 I didn't get it, and said what is wrong with this thing?
17:40 - I just want to read it. - yeah
17:43 So I picked it up and it opened right up to what I know
17:46 now as the book of Mark chapter 5 and I proceeded to read
17:49 it, I became very angry and agitated.
17:52 It went into this one to two hour debate conversation
17:56 swearing session with God.
17:58 I know people will, ahh you swore at the Almighty God!
18:02 Yes I did, I was like hey this guy was cutting himself
18:05 night and day with stones.
18:07 Obviously very tormented and had a lot going on.
18:11 Then he goes up to Jesus and says, in so many words.
18:15 Who do you think you are a type of thing and Jesus healed
18:19 him and the man is in his right mind.
18:21 He says, I want to go with you Jesus.
18:22 He said no, you go and tell everybody on Decapolis,
18:25 which we know is 10 cities which is a lot of places.
18:28 Go tell everybody what I've done for you and how the Lord
18:31 had compassion on you.
18:32 So I was like, if you can do that for him, do it for me.
18:36 I take the Bible and I'm throwing it and I'm swearing and
18:40 said, this word and that word and every word imaginable
18:43 for an hour or two hours.
18:46 Because I wanted that, if You are real, if You are truly
18:50 real and a living God, the Jesus.
18:52 I didn't understand that He is the same as God, so I said
18:57 if You really heal and do what You said, I want it.
19:00 - I have to have it. - I did because I was a living
19:03 mess and I was at the brink of a point where I wasn't
19:07 going anywhere but down.
19:09 What is interesting to me for a lot of people in the book
19:12 of Mark when they talk about the demoniac and the guy
19:14 cutting on himself with stones, you say will say I don't
19:17 know if there are real people like that?
19:19 For somebody that is a cutter, somebody that is living
19:24 that demon possessed existence, you are saying I am him.
19:29 I am him and so you didn't start out with that.
19:32 Let's go back to your life.
19:35 How did you get into self mutilating?
19:40 Well have to go back to the beginning just basically mom
19:44 and dad met in high school, they were high school
19:46 sweethearts and they got married.
19:48 I was born after my brother and we are about 2 years apart
19:52 and mom developed alcoholism shortly after they got
19:58 divorced, mom and dad.
20:00 But before that, no alcoholism, no acting out as far as
20:06 the home was, it sounds like it was good.
20:08 Oh yeah we had a great little life, little quirky things
20:12 that kids do where I would be antsy three-year-old and
20:15 drink a bottle of aspirin because I was hungry.
20:18 I would fall down the steps, what we think are silly
20:21 things, they can't be serious but silly little things.
20:24 Like a very nice life, great mom and dad and had a great
20:27 house in the suburbs.
20:28 Dad, mom had a couple Mercedes and were doing very well
20:32 with dad being in college and so forth.
20:35 The marriage ended after seven years and mom developed
20:39 alcoholism, now she was drinking throughout the marriage
20:43 as was dad but developed the alcoholism and therefore
20:47 with that she didn't get custody of my brother and I.
20:51 I believe there was a question on who was going to get
20:56 custody and this and that.
20:57 Mom had my brother and I visit in Seaside Heights
21:01 New Jersey and we would visit down there.
21:03 As a mom was trying to gain custody of us kids I get lost.
21:09 I was missing for 12 hours, so here is mom trying to get
21:14 her life together and get her kids and I get lost.
21:17 She does get custody of us and within a few months, I was
21:21 about five years old and mom made some poor choices,
21:25 as we all have in life.
21:26 And she drinking it impaired her judgment and she invited
21:30 different people over to the house at different times to
21:34 drink or party or what have you.
21:36 On one particular evening this fella, who have become her
21:40 boyfriend, he went into my room and raped
21:44 me and molested me.
21:46 Some people talk about molest, you call it rape.
21:49 Well there is two types of things, molestation is
21:53 basically when you are touching and doing other things to
21:57 a person, rape is when you are actually having sexual,
22:01 forced sex, intercourse and I was five years old.
22:05 So both things had happened and I have to leave out a lot
22:09 of details for the sake of the audience.
22:11 You don't want to offend somebody but every single time
22:14 that I talk to somebody that is really lost in drug
22:17 addiction or a lot of different types of addictions
22:20 there is a really violent sexual crimes that have
22:23 happened to them, usually as a real little kid.
22:26 What you're saying is that with the alcoholism, and with
22:31 your mom's choices that you had a lot of sexualized
22:33 behavior around you anyway and then this rape.
22:36 Um Hum - then your whole world changed?
22:39 My whole world changed and I kept it a secret because
22:43 this man threatened me that he would end the lives of my
22:47 family members and pulled on a heartstring
22:49 of a five-year-old.
22:50 It even included the family dog.
22:52 Six months later mom gained sobriety and I told her.
22:58 I came forward and told her and she didn't press charges,
23:03 there are a lot of reasons why.
23:05 She tried, went to a police officer friend she knew and
23:09 tried to pursue a lot of different avenues of getting
23:13 this man tried and there were a lot of reasons.
23:16 He was connected with certain types of people that could
23:20 threaten her life and so forth so she decided back then,
23:23 how children were put on the stand,
23:26 she decided not to do that.
23:28 So as I got older I resented her for that.
23:31 Like where were you to protect your child.
23:34 It is bad enough you may this poor choice and so forth.
23:38 But right around then, 6, 7, 8 mom was beautiful.
23:42 She made Farrah Fawcett look like a common woman.
23:47 She was very physically beautiful and that was actually
23:50 her biggest flaw because she attracted every kind, every
23:54 sort of man who wasn't necessarily after her good heart
23:57 that was deep beneath the beautiful body.
23:59 She made a lot poor choices and I had not only looked up
24:04 to her and almost idolized her, but I wanted to be like
24:09 her and at the same time mom worked full time and
24:14 dad wasn't in the picture.
24:15 He was providing financially, he wasn't really in the
24:19 picture so I didn't have a male role model.
24:21 I had a brother who had turned into a bully, and he may
24:25 have been dealing with his own issues not having a father
24:29 around and what have you.
24:31 So I started getting beat up by my brother
24:35 and verbally bullied, verbally abused.
24:39 As life went on and I am 10 years old, as much as
24:44 I admired my mom and thought she was great, I developed
24:47 inside and I wanted to have my sex changed.
24:50 I wanted to actually be a boy.
24:51 - did you think that it was because I could protect
24:54 myself more, I wasn't as vulnerable, did you process
24:57 any of that at the time?
24:59 I'm not sure if I did at the time, or it was something
25:01 I realized later, I think part of me said if I am a boy
25:05 no one can hurt me because had I been a boy I could have
25:09 done a 1-2 punch to my brother and taking care of some
25:13 other people, not that violence is the way to settle
25:16 things but then going through it.
25:18 For somebody, what's interesting to me when I talk
25:22 with even little kids, they will see themselves as having
25:26 the ability to punch out an adult when it is ridiculous,
25:30 you were five, so a boy or girl you didn't have
25:34 the ability to stop that from happening.
25:36 It was somebody else's poor choice. - absolutely.
25:40 As years went on things changed with my brother.
25:45 Anyone who has been in domestic violence, or has someone
25:49 who has been able to beat them up, that person,
25:52 like myself, you're hit down day after day after day.
25:57 I got to the point where I just wanted to please him,
26:01 anything you want me to do I'll do.
26:03 If you want a sandwich, instead of throwing it on the floor,
26:04 shoving it in my face, shutting me in a closet and
26:06 doing things to me that are tormenting and torturing me
26:09 but making you happy, so now I will do everything I can
26:12 to please you and make you happy.
26:14 Anytime I did that it made it worse.
26:15 I have black eyes where he punched me, I took the brunt
26:19 of what ever anger he had.
26:21 Years of 11, 12 and 13 is when it went further and
26:28 he actually starting raping me and doing other things
26:35 to me by forcing me to do things.
26:36 He actually moved to live with my father at one point,
26:41 so it wasn't everyday from 11 to 13, which one time was
26:46 too much and should never happen to any person.
26:48 But what I'm saying is I don't want to give the
26:50 impression, I want to say it like it is not every single
26:53 day but there were times where it was everyday for a week
26:56 and sometimes it didn't happen at all.
26:59 When he moved, he moved away and moved back.
27:04 We would go away on vacation and no one was around and
27:08 that's when it would happen a lot.
27:10 What stopped it was I had my menstrual cycle and
27:15 that is actually how it stopped.
27:17 I remember being so thrilled, I knew enough that
27:20 something serious could happen there and it was
27:24 like I was empowered.
27:26 It was like you cannot ever touch me, I got in his face
27:28 and he continued to beat the daylights out of me.
27:32 He would do things to me in other ways but the sexual
27:37 abuse and the rapes had stopped.
27:38 At that point I'm 13 and I started looking more boyish,
27:43 even though I would at the same hand look pretty and
27:48 feminine I also developed this desire to be a boy
27:52 and go down that path.
27:55 For the next many years I have poor self-esteem and got
28:01 to the point where I didn't want to live.
28:04 The first time that I actually harmed myself when I was
28:08 eight years old, being bullied by my brother and having
28:11 the situation happen when I was five, I remember picking
28:15 up a brick and ramming it into my head.
28:18 I remember at that point that I wanted to match this
28:22 inward disgusting pain and how dare you kind of feelings
28:27 I had toward this man and my brother.
28:31 I just wanted to take that and I rammed into my head.
28:34 I rammed myself into a wall and this was at eight years
28:36 old and I started in between things with my brother.
28:39 That was the life I lead, I wanted to ram myself in front
28:42 of a car, a truck, not to die, not to die.
28:47 - it is not a suicide thing, it's just I want this pain
28:50 to be gone. - absolutely!
28:52 I said if I ran in front of a car or truck I could break
28:55 some bones, something can happen where either I will feel
28:59 real, or I'll feel alive or something.
29:01 This was 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 years all through this.
29:03 By the time I was 13, 14, 15 I started dressing like boy
29:08 George - I saw some of those pictures.
29:11 It wasn't that there was necessarily anything wrong with
29:14 that particular person, when you start to look like
29:16 something that is not your self and A. You couldn't tell
29:19 if I was a male or a female.
29:21 I was hiding in that, 2 and 1/2 years I did that.
29:24 You would say to yourself when that be like a light bulb
29:27 going off, you know Vicky has been dressing like this
29:30 where are the ribbons, the long hair, the coats.
29:31 I had homemade coats made, I went to stores to look at
29:36 the jewelry in the gloves, wouldn't someone say maybe
29:40 we need to get her a little help?
29:42 Not to knock mom but mom was working and doing a lot of
29:47 things, but all through this I was trying to get along
29:52 in life where when I was 14, for a year period of time,
29:57 I started pulling my hair out.
29:59 The entire part of my hair on the top, about a 2, 3 inch
30:02 portion wide was bald.
30:05 My mother took me to a dermatologist thinking I had
30:08 some sort of skin disorder, a hair disorder and I was oh yes
30:12 mom it must be that.
30:13 I mean what are you supposed to say because I am
30:15 embarrassed, it was horrible.
30:16 I just kept doing these things.
30:18 Can I ask you, just to educate us a little bit,
30:22 when you said I took the brick and slammed into my face,
30:26 I wanted to break bones, when I slam myself against
30:29 something, what works about that?
30:31 That's an amazing question, it actually can vary from
30:36 person to person, for me and many people I talk to,
30:40 it can be so many things from the reasons why you want
30:45 to do it is to match the inward pain.
30:49 You want something on the outside to match the inward
30:50 pain, you almost want to feel to be alive.
30:53 At the moment it is almost like a it releases something
30:56 inside of you count whether it is an endorphin or the
31:00 opiates you were mentioning, there is something real.
31:04 It is very, very short-lived, very short-lived.
31:07 That's why you go in a continuous circle of doing
31:10 it again and again and again.
31:12 The reasons are so vast.
31:16 - but you are saying I have so much pain that I hate life
31:19 so much and I am so much emotionally and physically and
31:21 psychologically pain that even though it is a short
31:24 period of time I have to get relief.
31:26 Absolutely, and as the years went on, like with anything
31:30 any type of addiction whether it is sexual addiction,
31:35 a drug addiction or alcohol you start off with something small.
31:40 I'll just have a little bit of this little bit of that,
31:42 what ever it is you want more, and you want more.
31:46 As years went on I just didn't stick with the hitting
31:50 and the banging and things of that nature,
31:54 it got stronger as years went on.
31:56 - when you talk about stronger I want to show a little
31:59 bit and I want you to tell me a little about these injuries
32:02 here, because the only thing I can see here is a mass of
32:05 burns with hundreds of cuts just in this area.
32:09 I know it is all over your body - Um hum.
32:10 Tell me a little bit about what happened here when you
32:14 talk about things get more intense.
32:16 But just let me jump ahead, jump back and then ahead.
32:21 When things were going on when I was a teenager, the first
32:26 time I started to do what I refer to as serious damage to
32:29 my self, any type of self injury is serious and should be
32:33 taken seriously so I don't want to come across like I'm
32:36 saying scratching itself isn't an injury, it's not good.
32:40 When I was 19 years old I went and had a heated discussion
32:43 with my father, I had braces.
32:46 They were the kind of braces where are metal were wrapped
32:48 around your teeth and wires were pulled through.
32:50 I pulled off my braces with a pair of pliers.
32:52 Like that pain lasted maybe 30 seconds and it was done.
32:55 I developed an eating disorder bulimia, I was promiscuous.
32:59 All sorts of things into my early adulthood which led me
33:03 into one evening I had a breakup and was emotionally,
33:07 and there is so much to tell but I will cut it for sake
33:11 of time, on this particular evening I had this thought.
33:16 Let me prefect it with this.
33:18 I had no Internet, I had no books that I read, I had no
33:21 conversation with other people that had harmed themselves.
33:24 I didn't hang around with anybody that did.
33:26 I did not know about it, I did know the name.
33:28 Sitting on my kitchen floor soaking my own miseries in a
33:33 cup of gin, like a light bulb moment that was not good,
33:38 Boop, go into the kitchen grab a butcher knife and cut
33:43 yourself, and I listened to that voice.
33:45 I followed that voice and went into the kitchen and that
33:47 led me into my first day in a psychiatric unit.
33:50 As years went on. - you cut yourself how many times?
33:54 On that particular evening it was about 5 or 6 times.
33:59 They are covered up by the burn basically on the wrist.
34:03 That started a world wind of I have to do it more.
34:08 I would take pencils and jab them so hard into my arm,
34:12 not only would I get bruises but I would still have
34:16 graphite in my arm.
34:19 I would take toe nail clippers, or nail clippers and take
34:23 chunks of skin out of my arm, this was in the psychiatric
34:26 hospital under psychiatric care with doctors and nurses
34:30 around me because I was on a 24 hour watch.
34:32 When I did nursing in the psych facility, we had to have
34:37 one to one's on folks because no matter what you did,
34:42 they could find a way to hurt themselves.
34:44 We had to check them with a full body search just checking
34:48 every part of their bags when they came in.
34:49 People will cut in their suitcases and put sharp objects
34:54 throughout the suitcases coming in.
34:56 The cutting was unbelievable, it was just unbelievable
35:01 the desperation that I cannot survive if I cannot see
35:06 blood or release this pain. It is a desperate thing.
35:09 It is then that is the life I lived in the hospital,
35:13 once I was released the cutting continued for months
35:17 into a year and this was the same as the first time.
35:21 Driving down at the time I was an outpatient in a
35:24 eating disorder unit, I don't remember the details I would
35:29 have to actually refer to the medical records because I had
35:34 a lot of blackouts and I had this thought to burn my arm.
35:42 Burn my arm, I've never did that.
35:44 I know it sounds casual, but that is how it happened
35:47 with me, just burn your arm.
35:49 I proceeded to go to the store and got about a half a
35:52 case of beer and different alcohol type of things and got
35:56 first aid equipment, lighters, everything I could get and
36:01 that night I was in my room and I proceeded to stab my
36:06 left arm over a hundred times with cigarettes.
36:13 I would actually press so hard that these little tiny
36:19 circles would appear on my arm.
36:21 There was about 17 of them, but I pressed over and over
36:24 again and is sadness I feel is not towards myself,
36:27 because I am totally healed and I can honestly say
36:30 I don't think about this ever,
36:32 but I think about the other people.
36:33 The thousands of girls and boys, men and women that are
36:36 out there hurting themselves because there is something
36:39 inside that they are running from.
36:42 It is a way of escape from whatever it might be.
36:44 I don't see Vicky, I see someone else who is hurting and
36:49 when this happened I bandaged it up and woke up the next
36:54 morning - you also lit that on fire?
36:56 I did, thank you for reminding me, I followed it up with
36:59 after stabbing a hundred times and having these 17 holes
37:03 I took a fire starter and proceeded to light my arm
37:09 until I don't recall the details.
37:12 I either got bored or tired.
37:13 The next morning I woke up and it was all bandaged and
37:16 my hand was so swollen and I proceeded to go to the
37:19 eating disorder unit as the outpatient program I was in
37:24 and the whole arm on the outskirts was pure white in the
37:28 center in the outskirts was green,
37:30 it already was infected.
37:34 - they would have been a number of skin grafts.
37:38 Yes I had skin removed from my left thigh and had
37:43 surgery which was thousands and thousands of dollars and
37:46 my right arm was almost 6 months later.
37:49 But I have to say with all that stuff is that all over
37:54 your body are these kinds of scars and cuts and burns.
37:59 It's all over your body, legs, arms, even the upper part
38:05 of your body has keloid scars that are lifted
38:09 right off the skin.
38:11 How do you get from that place, and self mutilation is
38:16 common in schools.
38:18 When I go to schools, even elementary schools when I talk
38:22 with kids at an academy, when I talk with kids in colleges
38:25 that I see cutters all over the place.
38:28 People that are literally quietly hurting themselves all
38:33 the time and so I know even though you did not read books
38:37 it was not unusual to act out on your own body.
38:40 Worldwide there is issues with cutters.
38:44 You could be a girl or a boy, he can be a teenager or an
38:48 adult, you could be married with children, you could be 50
38:52 years old, it has no background issues, any ethnic
38:59 background or anything like that.
39:01 I do see in Jr. high and those ages where I see
39:08 different types of self injury as opposed to maybe people
39:12 that are older, but again I see and I have to press the point,
39:16 no matter what the person is doing, it is a very serious
39:18 thing whether they are scratching, burning, or cutting
39:21 or plucking their hairs out of their eyebrows or eyelashes,
39:25 or they're pulling their hair, whatever the person is
39:28 getting scarification, or carving or what ever it is,
39:32 it is the severity of the level or depth and is something
39:35 that needs to be treated and talked about and get to the
39:38 issue that is below that which brings me to how are you
39:41 the way you are today?
39:43 I'm glad you asked. - good because I'm really going
39:46 there, how did you get out of that?
39:48 Basically I'm going to be real, okay? - okay!
39:54 I was in a gay bar and dancing and doing my thing and
40:01 this woman I began to talk to her and she was telling me
40:08 that she was a Christian, which blew my mind away.
40:11 Two plus two is 4 but I was not getting how that worked.
40:14 I said I don't get it, how can you be in a bar?
40:16 But we won't get into that because that's different
40:18 discussion altogether, a whole other the show.
40:19 - we will do it.
40:21 I'm there, she said why don't you come to church with me.
40:24 Well to impress this woman I said sure.
40:27 About a month later I did go to church and let me tell
40:31 you, the second I walked in to this church, it wasn't like
40:36 oh my life has changed, nothing like that.
40:39 But I sensed something, they said hi to me.
40:42 They didn't look at the eyebrow ring in the belly button
40:45 ring and a half shirt and everything was exposed.
40:48 They weren't looking at the hair 6 inches up because it
40:52 was Spike wild do, they were looking at me and God loved
40:55 me and they seemed real.
40:58 They really seemed real, and I was like wow.
41:01 They saw past it, so to make a long story longer.
41:05 Basically I went there, and went there again and read the
41:13 Bible, Mark and yelled that God and swore at Him.
41:15 But I know that God honored that because even though it
41:17 was not appropriate to swear at God, I don't recommend
41:19 that, I was being real and talking to Him.
41:22 We're having prayer we're having a discussion, having a heart to
41:25 heart - as a friend. - yeah totally.
41:28 Within a year and a half I just started going to church
41:32 and people said to me you don't cut it anymore, you don't
41:35 burn anymore, you don't get angry, you don't have
41:37 resentment, you have forgiven and I could go on and on
41:41 and on because I was also raped when I was 19 by an uncle
41:44 twice, I have forgiven everyone.
41:47 I have let go and they say to me how did that happen?
41:51 - how did that happen I want to hear it exactly detailed?
41:54 How did that happen? What did you feel like?
41:56 The most amazing thing I can say to you is that the first
42:01 thing I prayed, the most simplest prayer, God what ever
42:05 is in me that is not a of You take it from me
42:09 in Jesus name Amen.
42:12 I did not list everything, all I can say is today I am
42:15 happily married and have a beautiful 2 and 1/2 year-old
42:19 son in the last 11,12 years. - yes Jack Daniel.
42:20 Yes Jack Daniel, the last 12 years have been the best.
42:24 That doesn't have anything to do with alcohol does it?
42:27 because of the Bible?
42:29 Exactly, the last 12 and 1/2 years have been the
42:32 best years of my life.
42:33 Now that doesn't mean there weren't good times in my life
42:36 prior, there were they were just little.
42:38 Now every day is a great day, and it's not because I'm on
42:41 some kind of drug I can skip through going Lalala.
42:44 It's because I have God inside of me that helps me deal
42:47 with every situation every day.
42:48 And not only their accepting Jesus in my heart and
42:53 getting my life right and saying that prayer to take away
42:57 from me what I like to call the F word, and it's not the
43:00 F word you're thinking of, its forgiveness.
43:03 We have to be forgiving, we have to forgive and we had to
43:07 be forgiving toward other people.
43:08 There are people out there today, you are sitting there
43:12 at home and going you know Vicky, I didn't abuse myself.
43:15 I've abused other people and now I'm cutting, I'm burning,
43:18 now I am doing things.
43:19 You need to forgive yourself, everybody needs to work on
43:22 forgiveness and my support group that I run, they hate when
43:25 I say it, oh she's talking about forgiveness I have to
43:28 go to the bathroom, Dah, Dah, Dah.
43:29 I called the F word because we act like it's a swear word.
43:33 We act like it's a plague, we can't say forgiveness.
43:35 God talks about it so much in the Bible. - it releases us.
43:40 All of a sudden I am an empowered,
43:43 God can take it away from me.
43:47 Absolutely, the second most important thing obviously is
43:50 receiving Jesus as my savior, the second forgiving,
43:53 and the third is time with God.
43:55 I didn't go out to the bars and dance and continue all that.
43:59 God take anything that is not from you from me in Jesus name,
44:03 that included spending time with God, going to prayer.
44:07 I spent, not that I'm devout and all that, but I had issues
44:11 going on and I wasn't an advent person and worked
44:15 out and had the eating disorder.
44:17 I took what He said to me and took those two hours that
44:20 you spend every morning and seek Me and pray and I went
44:23 okay, when God tells me I do it.
44:25 I'm like a plow, alright I'm going to do it.
44:27 For two years our church was fortunate enough to have a
44:32 prayer room and I went and prayed two hours before
44:34 I went to work and it changed my life.
44:36 Forgiveness came into my heart, God worked in me.
44:39 I had a little piece of paper with all these people's
44:41 names on it, people that abused me and raped me.
44:43 I prayed for them for salvation, that they would come to
44:47 God, I pray for my mom. - I so love you, I love you.
44:51 I think the coolest thing I think about you is your
44:54 background and your pain and cutting I understand
44:58 because I have seen it and work with people like that,
45:00 but I also see you so took God into your life.
45:04 He's crazy about me. - I love that.
45:09 Okay we are going to open it up for questions because
45:11 I know that everybody has questions. Samantha!
45:14 Thank you and I appreciate your testimony, I was just
45:15 wondering how long did it take you from the time that
45:17 you were swearing at God and looking in the Bible to
45:19 where you felt that God has actually healed you?
45:22 The first time I stepped foot into the church was
45:25 March of 1995, I accepted the Lord in my heart within
45:28 a couple months after that.
45:29 I did the whole debate with God, actually I should add to
45:32 that I gave Him 30 days to prove Himself real to me.
45:36 - I like that we are just nothing and acting out like
45:39 crazy and we say God you have 30 days. - right.
45:42 I wanted a 30-day money back guaranteed is what I want.
45:45 - what's really funny is that God so says that's what
45:49 you got to work with I'll work with it.
45:50 So basically I did this debate, a 30 day type of deal and
45:54 God just changed my life within a couple months after that
45:58 the desires to harm myself were less.
46:04 That might not seem like much, but it was really big.
46:06 I would have bloody knives underneath my bed and people
46:08 will come over and I would have kicked them under the bed.
46:10 This is a big, big secret with me.
46:12 So to answer your question, the process was quick
46:17 but slow, with 1 and 1/2 years I did a 180, I looked
46:20 different, I talked different, and the ear rings,
46:24 12 ear rings in one ear and 7 in the left came out.
46:27 The eyebrow ring and the belly button ring and the reason
46:30 why is because I simply prayed to God that if anything
46:33 wasn't of me to take it away.
46:35 I know that those things represented something,
46:40 they represented a hurt, they represented an issue
46:44 whether it was an eyebrow ring or whatever it was
46:47 my whole look changed completely.
46:49 - what I want to say and it's interesting to me is that
46:53 a lot of people will start to teach someone how to look
46:56 or how to behave and they don't wait for the Holy Spirit
46:59 to do it, because the Holy Spirit does it in ways that
47:02 is gentle, so gentle. - yes.
47:04 No one came up to me, no one talked to me, no one said
47:07 you had to change this or that, it was just simply the
47:10 love of God working in me.
47:13 Within 1 and 1/2 years I decided one day, I don't
47:16 recommend this for everybody, I had 400 and some pills
47:20 that I had just had, I was on psychiatric medication and
47:24 I had just had them filled.
47:25 I was taken 17 pills a day, I just heard like our voices
47:30 right now, throw them out, flush them down the toilet.
47:34 I did, cold turkey I stopped my therapy a few months
47:38 later and within a year and a half a 180.
47:41 Looked different, talked different, acted different and
47:44 began to just get in prayer for the next couple years
47:48 and seek God and that's how I did it.
47:50 Everything was taken from me, and again the key thing was
47:52 obviously accepting Jesus into my heart.
47:54 That was first and foremost, forgiving and time with God.
47:58 Amen and I know that, Sharon you had a question.
48:01 Yes I do have a couple questions but first we give thanks
48:05 for you sharing your testimony with us today.
48:07 It was actually really hard for me to sit
48:09 here and hear that.
48:10 I have had some stuff happen in my life but nothing
48:14 that compares with that and I guess as a mum and friend
48:17 and someone who sits in church each week who really
48:21 cares about the people in my congregation, I want to
48:24 know what I can do to support someone who's been
48:27 through something like that?
48:28 Love them, it is probably the best thing we can do.
48:34 Love covers a multitude of sin, it doesn't mean overlook
48:38 it, but love them, talk to them, and genuinely care.
48:42 There is so many people that are afraid to expose their
48:46 sin and people don't see self injury as sin, but it is
48:50 not God's desire that we hurt our bodies, so it is not
48:53 pleasing to Him, but yet He knows we are hurting just
48:57 like any other type of issues that we deal with.
48:59 Love them, talk to them, really show them that you do care
49:03 and they are not going to end up in a place they
49:05 don't want to, a hospital or anything.
49:07 That is their greatest fear that people won't understand.
49:10 So many people I've talked to say they get judged, whether
49:13 it is in the Christian realm or the world,
49:17 they are getting judged in some way.
49:19 Show them love, show them true character of God,
49:23 and really listen to them.
49:24 Have you ever had a conversation with someone and
49:27 you know they are not listening to you?
49:30 Sometimes you need to be heard, you need to get the gook
49:33 and the mire out, but they also need to know that you
49:36 truly care so they can open up and get to the next step.
49:39 They may not be at the point where they're going to accept
49:42 Jesus into your heart yet, there is a path and
49:44 steps to get them there.
49:45 If they are in therapy, that it's okay for the time.
49:47 If they are on medication that is okay for the time.
49:49 Whatever is there is a time for God because He is the one
49:52 ultimately going to take it all away and do the healing.
49:55 We have to start in the church loving the people.
50:00 As we're talking about church members, I loved the question.
50:03 There is a lot of folks that will tell me, even myself
50:07 when I started opening up about my background.
50:09 People will get you like our a leopard then, like you
50:13 are crazy, somehow you were a little bit off or twisted.
50:18 Christ never did that with the demoniac, filled with a 1000
50:22 demons, cutting on himself, beating people up, and Christ
50:26 looked at him as a man of God underneath all that stuff
50:30 with an incredible desire to be well.
50:32 That's how we need to look at each other, especially in
50:36 the church, is I know that you are not crazy.
50:40 I know that you are in pain and that Satan is lying to
50:43 you, even inserting things for you to do to yourself,
50:46 cut, stab, and that stuff.
50:48 As church members we should so not let that affect us
50:52 that we withdraw our support.
50:54 That is really hard to do when someone has an issue that
50:58 is beyond what you have ever experienced, beyond what is
51:02 in your circle of influence, and God says I want you to
51:05 love on this person right now.
51:07 The person that brought me to Christ, she said she would take
51:10 off and just say in the middle of something and say excuse me,
51:13 I need to go to the bathroom and she would go fall on her
51:15 knees and say God I don't know how to deal with this.
51:17 I don't know how to respond please teach me.
51:20 In your head that is all you have to say to yourself.
51:23 It's teach me to listen and respond in a way that will
51:26 bring this person into the throne room of God, to health.
51:29 It's just amazing, absolutely amazing.
51:31 That was a good answer and I know that
51:34 you had one more question.
51:35 Well look Cheri I think she has actually answered
51:38 the question, but question I had was how do
51:40 I know how to help.
51:41 I think the answer is basically there if I open myself
51:45 up to God and He will show the way in terms of
51:47 helping someone might be.
51:49 The Holy Spirit will guide you He dwells inside of us,
51:53 and once we receive Him in our heart, He's in there.
51:57 The Holy Spirit is guiding us what to say and when to say
52:01 it, sometimes we may feel I don't know what I can do
52:04 I've never dealt with someone who's cut themselves and
52:07 they have this and they have that.
52:08 Don't think about that, God cares about every aspect
52:12 of what we go through, He certainly cares about
52:14 that individual and what you can say.
52:17 It could just be a hug, I do care, I'm going
52:20 to get you help and just rely on the inward knowing and
52:24 the Holy Spirit will guide you.
52:26 Can I say, just so we don't lose track of this with the
52:29 Holy Spirit? Is I never understood that God says I want
52:33 to dwell with you, I want to be so in you that
52:36 I will give you the things to say.
52:37 Because sometimes I pray to the Holy Spirit everyday in
52:40 worship and sometimes I will be talking to somebody and
52:43 counseling and I think I'd like to take notes on myself
52:46 right now, because that was so good.
52:48 It's God, and when you know you are not capable of
52:51 thinking that way, counseling that way, is you know
52:55 that God gifted you with His counseling.
52:58 He is ultimately the counselor, the great physician,
53:01 great friend and that kind of thing.
53:03 I think Lisa you had a question.
53:05 Vicky, when I read your book 'No More Pain', the thing
53:08 that impressed me the most was that you took two hours
53:12 a day for a couple years to seek the Lord in prayer and
53:16 how He took all this from you and healed you.
53:19 And now when things hurt you, or your feelings, death in
53:25 the family, this thought is not with you more?
53:29 You don't have these thoughts to hurt yourself anymore?
53:33 - is that right?
53:35 That is absolutely 100% correct.
53:37 - Your mom committed suicide not long ago. - right!
53:40 I called you, I remember feeling like I wanted to go get
53:43 a plane ticket and fly to your house because I was so
53:46 afraid for you when I heard the news.
53:48 Yes my mom, another show. but my mom battled many
53:54 things and I found her barely breathing and right then
54:01 and there I knew that this was the end.
54:05 It's a long story but for the sake of time, I knew she
54:12 was going to be at peace,
54:13 although she did take her own life.
54:17 I know we don't have time to get into that.
54:18 I was about family restoration, I wanted people to make
54:23 amends with her, I wanted who ever had something with her, she
54:26 was physically here, to spend the next 4 days, while she was
54:29 in a coma, to come and make things right.
54:30 That was my heart's desire, she was so proud of the life
54:35 I made for myself, what God had done in my life,
54:37 the changes, that I wanted to do honor unto her and have people
54:44 share with her and I never had a thought to harm ever.
54:47 That is amazing, so your healing was so amazing that you
54:50 never even had a thought.
54:52 I now want to have you come back and want to hear exactly
54:55 how God has worked in your life because I love you,
54:57 I love you. - I love you too!
54:59 You know thank you for coming, God bless you and your
55:02 recovery and know that you are part of our family.
55:05 Thank you, thanks for all your doing.
55:06 We are going to go ahead and take a break, but if you are
55:08 out there and you have got anything, you are hurting
55:11 yourself in any way, I'm talking about anyway.
55:13 I'm talking about religious addictions for perfectionism.
55:17 Stealing, spending, cutting, drug addiction, alcoholism,
55:20 porn addictions, any of that kind of stuff.
55:23 If you are anywhere know that God is bigger than your
55:26 addictions and He wants to heal you.
55:28 He wants to step into your life to say out loud to God,
55:32 give me the Holy Spirit, fill me up, forgive me of my sins and
55:36 come into my life, I'm done.
55:38 We'll be right back.
55:45 Cheri Peters uses the book, 'Coming Of The Comforter'
55:48 as a guide for the second season of Celebrating Life In
55:51 Recovery, written by Lee Roy E. Froom is a 320 page book
55:54 that offers every sinner the knowledge that the
55:57 Holy Spirit is available to all.
55:59 3ABN now offers this book to you for a suggested donation
56:03 of only $13 postpaid within the US.
56:06 Call 3ABN at 618-627-4651 or go online to 3ABN.org.
56:26 I absolutely love the fact that God can come into our
56:29 lives and change everything.
56:31 You know earlier we were talking about the kid Lindsay.
56:34 She ends up at the moment that I was telling you that
56:37 God doesn't care about that, He poured in the
56:39 Holy Spirit with her and I watched her change
56:42 in ways that were unbelievable.
56:44 The next time I see this kids it was still at that court
56:47 appointed alternative school and she look like a little
56:50 angel, I'm thinking oh shut up.
56:52 This kid was smiling and she was happy, she saw herself
56:56 as lovely and pure and I know with Vicky
56:59 as she got into healing.
57:01 And you heard her say, from the moment God stepped in to
57:04 her life she started being able to find peace for the
57:07 first time and she set with God in devotion.
57:09 She could feel His presence, she could feel the fact that
57:12 He loved her, all the cuts and stuff in her body are just
57:16 victors from this war that she had been through.
57:20 She is no longer ashamed of them and she can tell you that God
57:23 stopped it all, God changed it all.
57:25 I'm thinking that that is the God we have.
57:28 If you have anything you have to trust God with,
57:31 know that that is the God we have and the Holy Spirit
57:34 says ask Me every day to fill you up, every single day.
57:37 Were like leaky vessels, if you don't stay fill me up
57:39 during the day we will leak out all over the place and
57:42 we are empty again so every single day when
57:44 you are in your time with God.
57:45 It doesn't have to be formal or on your knees or
57:48 whatever, you can speak to God anyway you want to and
57:50 say fill me up with your Holy Spirit because I am not
57:53 bright enough to get through all this junk.
57:55 I don't even know what all the junk looks like but
57:57 I know that You do and I also know that You know who
57:59 I am outside of all this damage.
58:02 You know what? You are amazing! You are amazing.
58:05 Just remember and always remember that God is crazy
58:09 about you and remember too, I am.
58:11 I am crazy about you, see you next time and until
58:15 then get on your knees and hang out with God a bit.
58:19 You will be surprised of the changes.